Title:           Neckbeard in Horseland 2
Author:          Zuul
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/vTAr6DW7
First Edit:      Tuesday 10th of July 2012 05:30:18 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Tuesday 10th of July 2012 05:30:18 AM CDT

Sorry guys. This one’s really gross and full of spaghetti. Listen to the narration by Tvox while you read! https://soundcloud.com/zuul-1/neckbeard-in-horseland-2
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Neckbeard in Horseland 2
 
>You are waddling home as fast as your fat legs will carry you.
“Nonono! This can’t be happening!!!”
>You have just been informed by the nurse at the hospital that your favorite show, “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” was canceled before the third season.
“Nonononoo!”
>Your life is absolutely meaningless without it.
“Get out of my fucking WAY!!”
>You plow through a group of young children, causing them to fall onto the sidewalk.
>”Now stop right there!” shouts their mother.
“Kill yourself, you fat fucking cunt-whore bitch!”
>You continue your exhausting waddle homewards, but are soon stopped by a much faster man.
>”I think you should apologize to my wife and kids for your disrespectful language, sir.”
>You sigh, emitting a terrible cheesy stench from the bowels of your bowels.
>The man cringes.
“Sorry, ma'am. Sorry, kids. Can I go now?”
>The littlest girl looks at your sweat stained shirt and smiles.
>”My Little Pony!!” she giggles.
“You know this show? Who is the best pony?”
>”I like Pinkie Pie!” She tells you.
“You stupid fucking little girl!! Pinkie Pie is the worst!”
>The girl starts to cry.
>Her father is angry.
>”Hey, what is your problem, man?”
>It is at this moment that you recognize his accent.
“Oh my god, you’re the guy with the soccer shirt! We met in a McDonalds three years ago.”
>”Oh... oh yeah.”
“You said you’d watch “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’ with me next time we met!”
>”You just knocked my kids over, insulted my wife, and shouted at my 3 year old daughter until she cried.”
“Whatever, man. Your loss.”
 
>You continue on your journey, edging around the massive sinkhole that put you in your fortuitous coma.
>Due to some vivid hallucination, or another reason you can not fully grok, you experienced a full three years in Equestria, the land of horses.
>You would do anything to go back there...
 
>Now you are home.
>You throw open your front door and run straight to your computer.
>You select ‘www.equestriadaily.com’ from your bookmarks bar.
>404: address not found.
“Augh, what?! No!”
>’www.ponychan.net’
>404
“NO! NO!!”
>’www.rule34.net/mylittlepony’
“Oh, thank Celestia! It’s still going strong.”
 
>It appears the brony community has pretty much disappeared over the past three years.
>This leaves you with only one option.
“I have to return to Equestria!”
>”But, Anon, weren’t your adventures in Equestria all a dream you had during your comatose slumber?” asks your tulpa, Fluttershy.
“GET BACK IN THE SEX DUNGEON!!!”
 
>Last time, you got into Equestria by hitting your head.
>You try smashing a frying pan against your skull, but your arms are too weak to even make a bruise.
“I need something HARDER than this fucking frying pan! Something more SOLID!”
>You reach under your bed and retrieve your cum-sock.
 
 
>”Hello? Who are you?”
“Huh? What? Where... where am I?”
>”You are in Equestria, in the royal city of Canterlot. I am Princess Celestia. Who are you?”
“I’m Derrick. I mean Anon.”
>”Derrick?”
“Anon.”
>”Anon. Pleased to meet you, Anon.”
>Wait a minute, if this is all in your head, then you should be able to control everything... and everyp0ny!
>You concentrate hard.
“Princess Celestia? Do you want my dick?”
>”What? No!”
“I see how it is! Playing hard to get!”
>You run behind her and whip out your penis.
>”Do not anger me, Derrick...”
>You place your hands on her flanks and try to insert your flaccid member into her horse-vagina.
>”DERRICK!!!”
>Princess Celestia flies out of your reach.
>”Explain yourself!”
“I thought this was my fantasy and that you are a figment of my imagination.”
>”Well, I’m not. This is the real Equestria.”
“That’s weird.”
>There’s a long awkward silence.
“Are you down to fuck?”
>”Get out of here before I banish you to the moon.”
“You need the elements of harmony to do that. It says so in season one, episode one: ‘The Mare in the Moon’.”
>”Fuck off, Derrick.”
 
>Well, you made a right fool of yourself.
>On the bright side, she was probably impressed with your useless encyclopedic knowledge of the My Little Pony universe.
>As you stroll through Canterlot, you see Luna coming your way.
>She sees you, turns 180 degrees, and walks the other way.
“Luna! Hey Luna!”
>”Oh, Greetings Derrick. We did not see you there.”
“Can you turn me into a pony again?”
>”Why?”
“Mai waifu, Fluttershy, is ponysexual. She won’t fuck me as a human.”
>”It would be more sincere and meaningful to express your … love … for her in your human form.”
“I want to look like Big Macintosh, except completely black with knives for my cutie mark. But, I don’t want to be a gay-ass earth pony. Make me a unicorn, or at least a pegasus.”
>”Are you even listening to me?”
“I’d rather be an alicorn, though. The master race.”
>”I refuse to transform you into a pony, Derrick. I’m sorry.”
>Luna teleports away.
“Your princess is a fucking turd!!!” you shout at surrounding ponies.
>You kick a rock and storm off, holding back tears.
 
>You board the next train to Ponyville.
>You’re seated next to a mint green unicorn pony who sits like a human.
“Oh my gosh, Lyra!! You are my favorite background pone.”
>Lyra is about to respond, but then she smells your body odour and start to vomit everywhere.
“Sorry about the smell.”
>LYRA: “BLEEAgHghg!! Have you showered in the past three years?!”
“I’ve been in a coma! How am I supposed to shower if I’m in a coma?”
>Lyra gets pale and faints, falling into her vomit.
“That’s gross.” you say, spraying spit and mucus with every word.
 
>When you get to Ponyville, you power walk straight to Fluttershy’s cottage.
>Along the way, the town’s residents recognize you from when you were falsely accused of being a pedophile.
>They shout mean things and spit on you.
>By the time you reach your destination you are drenched in spit and your own sweat.
“What a workout!”
>You knock on Fluttershy’s door and she opens it.
>There is no word for the release of body fluids you experience when you see her, but if there was, it would be ‘urijaculinate’.
>”Hello sir.” she mumbles
“Don’t be shy, Fluttershy! It’s me: Derrick!”
>”Who?”
“Don’t you remember making me cry on the train?”
>”Oh... yeah.”
“I’m here because...”
>You are so nervous.
“I’m here because I love you.”
>Before she can respond, you fart loudly.
 
>...
>Fluttershy clears her throat
>”Yes, well. I-I’m sorry. I don’t love you.”
“Fine. I don’t even give a fuck.”
>You run away.
 
>”You look sad!”
>It’s Pinkie Pie.
“Fuck off, Pinkie Pie. I’m sad.”
>”Is it about Fluttershy?”
“Yes.”
>I’m sorry to hear that, Anon.”
…
”What did you call me?”
>”I called you Anon! I know that’s what you wanted to be called.”
…
>Maybe Pinkie Pie isn’t the worst pony after all.
>”I haven’t seen you smile much, Anon. I would love to see you smile.”
>She bats her eyelashes and makes a funny face.
>”C’mon Anon! Let’s see a smile.”
“Okay.”
>You smile for the first time since you discovered a twinkie in what you thought was an empty box, and reveal to Pinkie a mouth full of crooked yellow decaying teeth.
>For a moment you are worried that Pinkie will be revolted, but she just smiles back at you.
“Why aren’t you disgusted by my smile?”
>”I’m probably the least judgemental pony in this whole world. Everyp0ny’s my friend!”
“So you don’t care about my greasy neckbeard, my cheese-dusty fingers, my horrible stench, that I am a basement dweller who contributes nothing to society, that I frequently masturbate to My Little Pony porn, that I’m Spaghetti Soldier-”
>”I like that you’re honest!”
>What is this feeling?
>Could it be love?
>You go in for a hug and Pinkie hugs back.
“I... I love you, Pinkie Pie.”
>Pinkie’s eyes flash green.
>”I love you too, Anon.”
 
To be continued...