Title:           Living With Colgate: Unrequited Love and Brand Awareness
Author:          Zuul
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/WTNFSYZD
First Edit:      Friday 7th of February 2014 07:58:53 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Friday 7th of February 2014 07:58:53 PM CDT

>You are seated in the center of your kitchen upon a small hill of scraps that used to be a table and set of chairs, and you are enjoying a moment of peace.
>A fountain of water continually sprays from a pipe where your kitchen sink used to be, the floor is covered in debris, and the walls are coated in pink frosting.
>It’s the frosting that makes this room a kind of respite from the insanity of your everyday life.
>It works like a line of chalk for ants, or holy water for a vampire, keeping you’re insufferable sugar-phobic roommate at bay.
>You’ll have to remember to thank Pinkie Pie for sending those exploding cupcakes, because right now you need this safe-room more than ever.
 
>Last night you made a colossal mistake.
>In a moment of panic, believing you were about to die, you kissed her.
>You kissed Colgate.
>This was a mistake because, albeit a cute, funny, clever, open, and all-around best pony, she also happens to be criminally insane.
 
>Of course, all the ponies in this town are crazy, but Colgate’s on another level.
>Her large collection of tooth memorabilia can attest to that.
>Being the only one Colgate ever has regular social interaction with, you’re terrified to see how she’ll act now that the two of you have kissed.
>Well, you can’t put this off any longer.
>Having had enough time to prepare, you decide that now is time to bite the bullet.
>You wouldn’t be surprised if Colgate had been waiting outside the kitchen for you this whole time.
 
>As expected, she greets you as you leave the room.
>”Hey, Anon, I’ve got a big announcement to make!”
“Colgate, you have to understand something about… A- announcement?”
>”Yep! But what was it you wanted to say?”
“About last night…”
>”The break-in?”
“N-no, the kiss!”
>”Oh yeah! What about it?”
>This isn’t going how you expected.
“I… just thought it should be addressed…”
>Colgate tilts her head to the side. “You really like me, don’t you, Anon.”
“Wh- No! You’re the one who’s crazy about me!”
>”Who kissed who?” She smirks.
“B-baka.”
>”Aaaanyway, my announcement! Today’s the day I finally release my line of oral hygiene products! We’ve got Colgate brand toothpaste, Colgate brand toothbrushes, Colgate mouthwash, dental floss, teeth whiteners, tongue cleaners-“
“Colgate brand?”
>”Yessir!” She nods. “Named after me! What’s the problem?”
“Aren’t you already named after… never mind.”
>She continues. ”We’ve got dentures, we’ve got breath mints, we’ve got DIY cavity filling and tooth removal kits! And most importantly, we’ve got a stall in the town market!”
“When did you have time to build a stall?”
>”I did it while you were in the kitchen, of course! I make good use of my time, Anon.”
“Oh.”
>”And since you’re still a NEET shut-in, I thought I’d offer you the opportunity to work for me! Whadda you say?”
>You’ll probably live to regret this, but Colgate is right to criticize. It’s time to stop being lazy.
“Fine.”
 
>A few hours later, you find yourself sitting in a crudely constructed market stall in the center of Ponyville.
>Today is a good day for business; the stretch of road is crowded with ponies doing their weekend shopping.
>It’s not long before someone stops to check out your wares.
>It’s your timid pegasus friend, Fluttershy.
>”Hello, Anon. I’ve never seen you in the market before.” She mutters, barely audible over the noise of the crowds.
“Hey, Flutters. New business! Do you have any interest in toothpaste?”
>She leans in to inspect your goods closely.
>”Hmm… Are these products tested on animals?”
“No. They were tested on me.”
>…Without consent.
>She taps her chin in thought.
>”Then how can I know if they’re safe to use on animals?”
“To be perfectly honest, Fluttershy, they probably aren’t.”
 
>Colgate pops up from under the stall. “Hold your ponies! I can guarantee that ALL of these products are safe for animals!”
>Fluttershy looks impressed. “Ooh! In that case, I’ll take two dozen tubes! And toothbrushes!”
>”Don’t forget dental floss for yourself!”
>”Eep! I-is there something i-in my teeth again?” The yellow mare looks lightheaded.
>”No no! You’re golden!” Colgate beams. “But just to be safe…”
>”Yes! Dental floss! Lots please!”
>Fluttershy loads her saddlebags with stuff, pays for it with a very generous tip, and leaves.
 
>Colgate’s smile disappears as soon as Fluttershy does, and she turns to you with fire in her eyes.
>”What the hay was that? We’re trying to make sales here!”
“Well, are these products safe to use on animals?”
>“To be perfectly honest, Anon, they probably aren’t.”
“That’s what I said!”
>”They’re most likely not safe for Fluttershy either. There were minimal side-effects when I tested them on you, but you’re a big human, and she’s like one-third your size.”
“Colgate! You’re a bad pony!”
>She pouts, but her smile returns quickly when another customer approaches.
>It’s Twilight Sparkle, and she looks excited.
>”Hello, you two! I just talked to Fluttershy, and she gave you a glowing review.” She explains. “I thought I’d come by to see for myself.”
>Colgate looks at you and winks malevolently.
 
 
>That evening, you and Colgate sit in your trashed living room on a mountain of bits.
>You sold almost half of your stock, and milked the town for all they’re worth.
>Coins don’t make for comfortable seating, but you’ve got no intact sofa, and it’s a great novelty.
>”The best part of all this is knowing we earned it!”
“The fuck do you mean: ‘earned it’? You took advantage of Fluttershy’s insecurities while lying to her, and relied on word-of-mouth to sell to everyone else! What are you gonna do when the side-effects kick in? The company is as good as dead!”
>Colgate is completely unfazed. She shakes her head in your direction while throwing money in the air.
>”Anon, you underestimate my forward thinking-ness. I know after today no one will ever buy Colgate brand products again.” Her evil corporative grin sends shivers down your spine. “But the Flim-Flam brothers were passing through town today, and… I sold the company to them while it still looked profitable!”
>Your jaw drops in surprise.
“You flim-flammed the Flim-Flams! …Impressive.”
>Colgate taps the side of her head with her hoof.
>”I’m always thinking ahead, Anon. Always.”
“So, how much did we earn?”
>Your roommate looks at the ceiling while she does the math. A wide smile appears on her face.
>”Exactly enough for us to never work another day in our lives!” She squeaks. “We can retire, Annie!”
 
>Life with Colgate is good.