Title:           Living With Colgate: Intrusion!
Author:          Zuul
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/uscJPPz4
First Edit:      Wednesday 5th of February 2014 09:28:23 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Wednesday 5th of February 2014 09:28:23 PM CDT

>The bright red glow of your bedside clock reads 11:45 pm; Colgate’s never gotten you up this early.
>It’s been 5:00 am routinely, every single goddamned morning since you moved in, so why is she shaking you awake before midnight?
>You’re about to ask that very question, but she puts a hoof to your lips to silence you.
>Her bright blue eyes stare at you intensely through the darkness, displaying a clear but mysterious tenacity.
“Colgate, what the fu-“
>”Shhhhh! Shush!”
 
>You raise an eyebrow to ask the question without actually speaking a word.
>”Anon,” She leans forward to whisper directly into your ear. “There’s someone outside!”
>You roll your eyes.
“So what? I remembered to lock up.”
Colgate still looks worried.
“Worst case scenario: it’s some drunk who can’t support his cider addiction. There are no serious criminals in Ponyville.”
>“They looked like a serious criminal. They had a balaclava and everything!”
“They’ll leave when they realize they can’t get through the front door.”
>Your proven wrong when the unmistakeable noise of a shattering window echoes throughout the house.
>Colgate jumps into your arms.
>”Anon, are we gonna die?” she squeaks.
>You don’t have to strain your ears to hear the racket downstairs.
>The intruder seems to be mercilessly destroying everything you own. They’re clearly not here to steal any of it.
“Yeah, probably.”
 
>If the commotion downstairs is anything to go by, you’re home has been broken into by an escaped mental patient on a murderous rampage.
>You don’t expect a single piece of furniture to have survived.
>”How long until he finds his way upstairs and slaughters us?”
>You hear heavy hoofsteps on the staircase.
“Hopefully enough time to confess something.”
>Colgate narrows her eyes. “Confess something?”
“I’ve been hoarding soda and stashing it under my floorboards.”
>Colgate gasps. “That’s a serious betrayal of my trust, Annie! You should have removed sugar from your diet completely! Out of solidarity, if not out of respect for me!”
“I’m sorry.”
>She shuffles her hooves nervously. “But… I-I’ve got a confession too. I’ve been testing experimental teeth whiteners on you while you sleep.”
“Wh- COLGATE! Are you insane?”
>The intruder’s hoofsteps steadily get closer to your bedroom as they make their way down the hallway.
>Colgate just smiles innocently.
“What do you mean ‘experimental teeth whiteners’?”
>”That’s not important!”
“What have you been putting in my mouth?”
>”Well, Twilight was telling me about ponies in pre-Equestrian times using urine and goat milk to-“
“COLGATE!”
>”Come on, Anon, that was weeks ago! I’ve moved on to testing some homemade carbamide peroxide solutions. And it’s working! Look at that smile!”
>She laughs nervously.
>“No, that’s more of a scowl, Anon. Smile! Like this!”
>She gives you an adorable smile that would melt your heart under different circumstances.
>”Don’t be like that!” Colgate pouts. “I want us to die on good terms, Anon.”
 
>The intruder has stopped outside your bedroom and is banging heavily against the door, making the whole house shake.
“You’re right. I forgive you, Colgate.”
>She throws herself at you and wraps you in a close hug.
>The door smashes open, and without thinking it through you impulsively kiss Colgate. A strong minty toothpaste flavour fills your mouth and nose, and overwhelms your senses. She kisses you back without hesitation.
>Somewhere in the middle of the tight embrace, your tongues meet. You feel Colgate’s heart beating rapidly against your chest, either from fear or from pleasure.
>A moment of mental clarity prompts the question: why are you kissing this psychopath?
 
>Because you won’t live to face the consequences.
 
>But you’re not being murdered.
>Why aren’t you being murdered?
>You pull away from Colgate, who has her eyes shut tight, and look toward the smashed remains of your doorway.
>The intruder stands there, dramatically illuminated by the lights from the hallway. A grey pegasus with something dark pulled over her head.
>Wait- you recognize that bubble cutie mark.
 
>”H-hello?” Calls out Derpy Hooves, sheepishly. “I got a sock stuck on my head by accident!”
 
>You reach out and pull the fabric off of her head, revealing Derpy’s googly eyes and messy yellow mane. “Hi, Anon. Hi, Colgate. I think I broke some stuff.”
>You can only stare in disbelief.
>Derpy looks embarrassed. “I’m really sorry. Do you need some help cleaning up?”
“N-no. Th-that’s okay. Thanks for offering.”
>”Okay, if you say so. Good night, guys!”
>Derpy steps over the scraps of wood that used to be your bedroom door, and leaves.
>You hear more stuff smashing downstairs and another “SORRY!” shouted over it.
 
>Your heart drops into your stomach as the weight of what just happened starts to sink in.
>The pony you just kissed has her eyes locked on you, and is blushing heavily.
>”Annie, I’m flattered but… I wish we could have waited a bit longer to swap saliva.” Colgate says with a shrug. “The last whitener I tested on you was probably pretty toxic.”