Title:           Living With Colgate: Adrift Part 3
Author:          Zuul
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/AFYiS3Es
First Edit:      Thursday 6th of March 2014 12:54:35 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 6th of March 2014 12:54:35 PM CDT

>This isn't how you had planned to spend your weekend.
>You're far from home, captive on a ship of pirates in the middle of the ocean, who demand a valuable artifact in exchange for your life: a statue that, only a few hours ago, Colgate left to retrieve.
>A few hours... maybe it's been a few hours, but it feels more like fourteen days.
>That tiny wooden horse-head she's supposed to find is out somewhere on the open sea among the giant waves, or possibly sunk to the ocean floor, so there's no chance she'll be able to find it.
>What Colgate's actually doing out there is anyone's guess.
>You, on the other hand, are locked in a small cramped prison cell below deck.
>Although for entirely different reasons, your chance of surviving out here is just as low as a prisoner on this ship as it was back on the flimsy wooden raft.
>Before this, the biggest threats to your life were starvation, marine predators and large waves; now it's the bloodthirsty and incredibly obnoxious fortune-hunting pirates holding you prisoner who literally threaten your life every chance they get.
>These two belligerent zebras, for example, taking turns to finish one another's rhyming couplets.
 
>"You're dead, monkey! Say your last prayer!"
>"I really want to rut that toothpaste mare."
 
>Belligerent and annoying.
>You don't want to blame Colgate for this, but it's one hundred percent her fault.
>That pony will be fully forgiven as soon as she somehow figures out a way to get you out of this mess, but you're not holding your breath.
>Even when her heart is in the right place, she's just as much a threat to your life as anything else.
 
>POP
>With a noise and a sparkly flash of light, the pony in question materializes between the two guards.
>Before they can even register what's happening, Colgate grabs hold of the zebras, winks at you and teleports away, taking them with her and leaving you alone on the brig.
>There's a very short silence until the blue pony reappears (without the guards) outside the barred door of your prison cell, smiling wide with her pet rat seated on her shoulder.
>"Hi, Anon!"
"Hi. Where did you take those two?"
>"I dropped them into the water, just outta earshot in case they come up with a rhyme-y way to call for help."
"Wow. That's some good thinking."
>Colgate squints and tilts her head to the side. "Why do you sound so surprised? I'm an intelligent pony."
"No, I know. I'm not surprised. Can you just let me out?"
>"You sound so insincere! How can you doubt me?"
"Wait, uh... you don't have the key, do you? Shit."
>"Oh, Anon of little faith. I've told you, I'm the forward-thinkingest pony you'll ever meet! Winston, initiate locked door protocol!"
>Colgate holds out a leg, and her rat scurries down from its perch on her shoulder to sit in her open hoof, where it shapes its thin tail into a little curve.
>"Good boy!"
>Fitting its tail into the keyhole, Colgate begins to pick the lock with relative ease, taking only a minute or two before it clicks open.
>"Easy picking!"
"Seriously? How... When did you learn to do that?"
>"Anon, you know I don't like to talk about my life of crime before I moved to Ponyville."
"Fine, let's go."
>Colgate looks away melodramatically.
>"I used to be in a gang."
"I didn't ask."
>There's a noise from the top of the stairs that sets you on edge. You wait, but nothing happens.
"Okay, I'm out of the cell. Now, let's get the hell off this boat."
>"Agreed. How do we sneak past the crew?"
"You can teleport. We'll teleport."
>Colgate raises an eyebrow.
>"Why did we have to open the lock?"
"Pardon?"
>"I mean we could have just- ...never mind. I thought you hated teleporting."
"For future reference: Teleporting with me is allowed if it's being used to save my life."
>"Gotcha," She steps forward and holds onto you a little tighter than necessary. "Let's-a go!"
>"WAIT!"
>From his hiding place at the top of staircase, a little emaciated deckhand pony jumps down three steps at a time and latches onto your leg.
>He's just a young colt, no older than the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
>His attempt at stopping you is adorable.
"Hey, you might want to let go of my leg, or you'll be teleported with us."
>"I bloody do!" He has a British accent that you hadn't noticed before. "Take me along!"
>You look at Colgate, who is d'awwing heavily.
"What's your name, little guy?"
>"Pipsqueak, but you'll call me Pip or I'll hook you in the gabber!"
 
 
 
 
>After some more magical bending of space time, you, Colgate, and Pip are back on the raft.
>You never thought you’d be happy to see this thing again, but the pirate ship is nowhere in sight and you finally feel that it is safe.
>Colgate seems to disagree.
 
>”This raft was only built for two!”
“This guy weighs like three pounds. Don’t worry about it.”
>Pip jumps up and down to test the structural integrity of your vessel.
>The ropes binding it together complain, but it more or less stays in one piece.
>You all get comfortable.
>”So, Pip, how did you get on that boat in the first place?” Colgate inquires.
>He grins. “I ran away from home to be a pirate, but it’s shit, innit! I say, bollocks to the pirate life!”
“I guess you could say it’s not for you.”
 
>The sun is going down, and the stunning Equestrian stars are beginning to show.
>The little colt studies the night sky with wide eyes for a minute, tapping his chin in thought. “We’re drifting too far North!”
“Are we?”
>”I learned all about navigating by the stars to prepare for being a pirate. That looks like Orion’s belt, and that makes that bright star over there the North Star. We want to be going more West, I reckon!”
>Colgate’s magic surrounds the raft and pushes it in the right direction, on route to the Equestrian coast and hopefully, in the end, Ponyville.
>Unfortunately, the added stress is too much for the fragile raft, and it finally breaks up into a dozen individual pieces.
>Everyone gets wet.
 
>Once you’ve all climbed on top of the largest pieces, Colgate wastes no time in further dampening the mood by pointing out how far you are from home.
>”At least two dozen miles, judging by the Earth’s curvature and the fact that we can’t see any land! I told you this would happen!”
“I know, I know. How long until we reach the coast? My ass hurts already.”
>”At our current drifting rate, at least 3 hours. I can speed it up, but I don’t want to break the raft anymore.”
>The temperature is dropping quickly, another soak and you’ll all likely get hypothermia.
>If that doesn’t kill you, the sharks will.
“Wait, are those… the sharks are following us!”
>They’re back, and after devouring the pirate captain they have an insatiable thirst for blood.
>The pointed dorsal fins circle the three of you like vultures, waiting for someone to flub up and fall into the water.
>”Don’t fall in!” Colgate chirps cheerfully.
>Pip isn’t listening.
>His oversized eyes are locked on something else floating nearby.
>You only see pieces of wood from the raft at first glance, but then it stands out: A wooden horse head bobbing up and down a fair distance away.
“Huh. Must have been trapped in the same current as the raft this whole time.”
>Pip has a dangerous look in his eye, and his legs bend at the knee.
“Woah, don’t even-“
>It’s too late.
>The young pony leaps into the glacial ocean water, swimming with unforeseen haste toward his anticipated loot.
>The sharks are hot on his tail, and gaining on him.
>Without intervention, Pipsqueak will be eaten alive, but luckily Colgate is already intervening.
>She telekinetically plucks him out of the water just as he gets the statue in his grasp, and just as the nearest shark makes a desperate bite at him that only takes off a bit of hair from the end of his tail.
>Pip doesn’t even seem to notice, as Colgate sets him down carefully on dry wood, out of reach of the predators.
>His focus is still on the treasure that he holds close to his chest.
“Do you… know what that is?”
>”Of course! I’m the one who threw it off the pirate ship in the first place, to keep it away from everyone else!”
“Well, what makes it so valuable?”
>”Trust me, you don’t need it.” He winks.
>You almost go into a further line of questioning, but something else instantly drives the subject completely out of your mind.
“Land!”
>Colgate turns around and gasps.
>A landscape dotted with snow-capped mountains is just visible in the night.
>You’re home.
 
 
>You are Pip, and you are back home in Ponyville.
>Last time you were here there was a lot less snow.
>It was Fall when you told your parents you were popping off to be a pirate, and all they had to say was: “righto, bell-end, God save the queen!”
>What queen?
>”Me mum’s a nob and me dad’s a cunt!” You shout out into the night, to nobody in particular.
>Finally you see your thatched roof home, standing out because of the Trottingham flag flying outside.
>You get no greeting as you walk inside, clutching the wooden horse head in your mouth.
>It’s almost as big as you, but not too heavy due to it being hollow, because inside is the real treasure.
>A treasure very valuable to any colt or stallion who’s spent enough time away from civilization.
>You climb up the stairs to the second floor, and enter your bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind you.
>You throw the statue against the wall, where it cracks and breaks open onto the floor.
>Inside is the object of your adolescent desire, an object sought after for centuries by seafaring stallions, an object that is now all yours: an enchanted, perfectly-lifelike plastic pony poon.
 
THE END