- >You are seated in the center of your kitchen upon a small hill of scraps that used to be a table and set of chairs, and you are enjoying a moment of peace.
- >A fountain of water continually sprays from a pipe where your kitchen sink used to be, the floor is covered in debris, and the walls are coated in pink frosting.
- >It’s the frosting that makes this room a kind of respite from the insanity of your everyday life.
- >It works like a line of chalk for ants, or holy water for a vampire, keeping you’re insufferable sugar-phobic roommate at bay.
- >You’ll have to remember to thank Pinkie Pie for sending those exploding cupcakes, because right now you need this safe-room more than ever.
- >Last night you made a colossal mistake.
- >In a moment of panic, believing you were about to die, you kissed her.
- >You kissed Colgate.
- >This was a mistake because, albeit a cute, funny, clever, open, and all-around best pony, she also happens to be criminally insane.
- >Of course, all the ponies in this town are crazy, but Colgate’s on another level.
- >Her large collection of tooth memorabilia can attest to that.
- >Being the only one Colgate ever has regular social interaction with, you’re terrified to see how she’ll act now that the two of you have kissed.
- >Well, you can’t put this off any longer.
- >Having had enough time to prepare, you decide that now is time to bite the bullet.
- >You wouldn’t be surprised if Colgate had been waiting outside the kitchen for you this whole time.
- >As expected, she greets you as you leave the room.
- >”Hey, Anon, I’ve got a big announcement to make!”
- “Colgate, you have to understand something about… A- announcement?”
- >”Yep! But what was it you wanted to say?”
- “About last night…”
- >”The break-in?”
- “N-no, the kiss!”
- >”Oh yeah! What about it?”
- >This isn’t going how you expected.
- “I… just thought it should be addressed…”
- >Colgate tilts her head to the side. “You really like me, don’t you, Anon.”
- “Wh- No! You’re the one who’s crazy about me!”
- >”Who kissed who?” She smirks.
- “B-baka.”
- >”Aaaanyway, my announcement! Today’s the day I finally release my line of oral hygiene products! We’ve got Colgate brand toothpaste, Colgate brand toothbrushes, Colgate mouthwash, dental floss, teeth whiteners, tongue cleaners-“
- “Colgate brand?”
- >”Yessir!” She nods. “Named after me! What’s the problem?”
- “Aren’t you already named after… never mind.”
- >She continues. ”We’ve got dentures, we’ve got breath mints, we’ve got DIY cavity filling and tooth removal kits! And most importantly, we’ve got a stall in the town market!”
- “When did you have time to build a stall?”
- >”I did it while you were in the kitchen, of course! I make good use of my time, Anon.”
- “Oh.”
- >”And since you’re still a NEET shut-in, I thought I’d offer you the opportunity to work for me! Whadda you say?”
- >You’ll probably live to regret this, but Colgate is right to criticize. It’s time to stop being lazy.
- “Fine.”
- >A few hours later, you find yourself sitting in a crudely constructed market stall in the center of Ponyville.
- >Today is a good day for business; the stretch of road is crowded with ponies doing their weekend shopping.
- >It’s not long before someone stops to check out your wares.
- >It’s your timid pegasus friend, Fluttershy.
- >”Hello, Anon. I’ve never seen you in the market before.” She mutters, barely audible over the noise of the crowds.
- “Hey, Flutters. New business! Do you have any interest in toothpaste?”
- >She leans in to inspect your goods closely.
- >”Hmm… Are these products tested on animals?”
- “No. They were tested on me.”
- >…Without consent.
- >She taps her chin in thought.
- >”Then how can I know if they’re safe to use on animals?”
- “To be perfectly honest, Fluttershy, they probably aren’t.”
- >Colgate pops up from under the stall. “Hold your ponies! I can guarantee that ALL of these products are safe for animals!”
- >Fluttershy looks impressed. “Ooh! In that case, I’ll take two dozen tubes! And toothbrushes!”
- >”Don’t forget dental floss for yourself!”
- >”Eep! I-is there something i-in my teeth again?” The yellow mare looks lightheaded.
- >”No no! You’re golden!” Colgate beams. “But just to be safe…”
- >”Yes! Dental floss! Lots please!”
- >Fluttershy loads her saddlebags with stuff, pays for it with a very generous tip, and leaves.
- >Colgate’s smile disappears as soon as Fluttershy does, and she turns to you with fire in her eyes.
- >”What the hay was that? We’re trying to make sales here!”
- “Well, are these products safe to use on animals?”
- >“To be perfectly honest, Anon, they probably aren’t.”
- “That’s what I said!”
- >”They’re most likely not safe for Fluttershy either. There were minimal side-effects when I tested them on you, but you’re a big human, and she’s like one-third your size.”
- “Colgate! You’re a bad pony!”
- >She pouts, but her smile returns quickly when another customer approaches.
- >It’s Twilight Sparkle, and she looks excited.
- >”Hello, you two! I just talked to Fluttershy, and she gave you a glowing review.” She explains. “I thought I’d come by to see for myself.”
- >Colgate looks at you and winks malevolently.
- >That evening, you and Colgate sit in your trashed living room on a mountain of bits.
- >You sold almost half of your stock, and milked the town for all they’re worth.
- >Coins don’t make for comfortable seating, but you’ve got no intact sofa, and it’s a great novelty.
- >”The best part of all this is knowing we earned it!”
- “The fuck do you mean: ‘earned it’? You took advantage of Fluttershy’s insecurities while lying to her, and relied on word-of-mouth to sell to everyone else! What are you gonna do when the side-effects kick in? The company is as good as dead!”
- >Colgate is completely unfazed. She shakes her head in your direction while throwing money in the air.
- >”Anon, you underestimate my forward thinking-ness. I know after today no one will ever buy Colgate brand products again.” Her evil corporative grin sends shivers down your spine. “But the Flim-Flam brothers were passing through town today, and… I sold the company to them while it still looked profitable!”
- >Your jaw drops in surprise.
- “You flim-flammed the Flim-Flams! …Impressive.”
- >Colgate taps the side of her head with her hoof.
- >”I’m always thinking ahead, Anon. Always.”
- “So, how much did we earn?”
- >Your roommate looks at the ceiling while she does the math. A wide smile appears on her face.
- >”Exactly enough for us to never work another day in our lives!” She squeaks. “We can retire, Annie!”
- >Life with Colgate is good.
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