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My Little Epona: ZeldAnon in Equestria

By: Zeldanon on May 14th, 2012 | syntax: None | size: 12.31 KB | hits: 24 | expires: Never

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>Be the Hero of Time
>Day who the hell knows in the Lost Woods
>Is this even the Lost Woods anymore? You couldn’t recognize any of the plants or monsters you came across.
>Plus you haven’t been able to find any supplies recently, no matter how many bushes you hack apart.
>You’re starting to run out of everything but Deku Sticks and it’s making you a little worried.
>Hopefully it’s just a bad dry spell.
>You see the trees thinning out ahead, and spur Epona onwards with a [spoiler]slap to the flank[/spoiler]MOTIVATIONAL CARROT, making her whinny and trot faster.
>Exiting the woods, you come out into a vast, open field.
>Déjà vu
>At the center of the field is a modest town, with some kind of large ranch nearby.
>Cool, it’s like you’re in Hyrule and Termina at the same time.
>You [spoiler]kick[/spoiler]CARROT Epona into a quick gallop, heading for the town and reaching it much quicker than expected.
>You had thought it was farther away, but your eyes were just tricked by how small the buildings are.
>Apparently this is because the town is populated by tiny, colorful horse-people.
>Damn, they’re really little for horses, even Epona is taller than them and she’s still a filly.
>They look like they would be right on eye level with a kid like you.
>Speaking of eyes, theirs are huge - apart from that and their short pseudo-muzzles, their faces seem almost Hylian.
>It’s not like you’re any stranger to weird humanoid races, though, so you just hop down from Epona and start looking for the shops that will certainly be here somewhere.
>The horse-people have been looking at you uneasily, and some seem to be staring at Epona’s butt. That’s… kind of creepy.
>At least they’re not making you leave her outside the town, for once.
>After dismounting Epona, you run over to the closest building and try the door. Locked.
>Oh well. At least there’s some shrubs planted outside the building. Maybe you’ll have more luck now that you’re out of the woods.
>You pull the Mirror Shield onto your arm and unsheathe your Gilded Sword, swinging away with abandon.
HUT! HRAH! HYAAAH!
>”AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”
>”THE HORROR! THE HORROR!”
>You look up from your freelance yardwork to see horse-people fleeing in all directions and screaming hysterically.
>Within seconds the street is empty, save for Epona, who just stands there as if nothing had happened.
>What the hell was that all about?
>You continue going from building to building, trying to open doors, only to find them locked and occasionally hearing screaming from inside.
>None of the bushes you cut up have anything useful inside them, either.
>This is getting annoying, what is wrong with this place?
>Suddenly everything takes on a purple tint, and you find yourself lifting off the ground.
>You flail around, slashing at the air uselessly.
HAH! HYAH! YAAAAH! RAAAH!
>Damn, you’ve been trapped in some kinda floaty bubble of magic!
>You hate it when people pull that shit on you, it’s such a dick move.
>”Well, it sure is a feisty critter.”
>You stop waving your limbs and try to look down at the ground.
>The voice seemed to have come from an orange horse-person who’s wearing saddlebags and an odd hat.
>It sorta reminds you of Malon and Romani, for some reason.
>A purple horse-person nearby, with a glowing horn sticking out of its forehead, turns to the orange one and speaks.
>”Yes, I don’t know what she could have been thinking, to just let it run around like that.”
>Wait, are they talking about you? And who is “she”, exactly?
>A quiet flapping near your head makes you look up from the two horse-people standing below you.
GAH!
>There’s a winged blue one with a rainbow mane and tail hovering just a foot in front of your face, looking at you skeptically.
>Shit, you were not expecting that.
>”Soooo, what the buck is it anyway, some kinda green-furred Diamond Dog or something?”
HYAAH!
>You swipe your sword in frustration, barely missing the creature as it quickly flies out of range.
>”Woah!”
>”Dash, be careful! Whatever it is, it’s not in a good mood.”
>Well no shit, freaky purple horse lady, being magically held in the air against one’s will has that effect on people!
>”Probably oughta take that thing away from it before it hurts somep0ny, Twahlight.”
>”Ah, good point, Applejack.”
>You look down at the two on the ground again, raising an eyebrow.
>Hurts some-whatty, now?
>You notice the horn on the one called “Twilight” is glowing a little brighter, what’s up with tha-OH SHIT YOUR SWORD
GYEEH?!
>You feel it being jerked from your grasp, and before you can even look to see what happened it’s already floating down in a little purple cloud of magic.
>It lands in one of “Applejack”s saddlebags and the magic dissipates, accompanied by a dimming in the glow around Twilight’s horn.
>You glare at her with realization.
>Okay, you get how this works now.
>It is ON, bitches.
>You take a quick glance into your inventory, beginning to form a strategy.
>”Could you hold onto that for a while, Applejack?”
>”Sure thing, sugarcube.”
>”Oh, oh, I’ll carry it Twili-“
>Both of the earthbound horse-people interrupt the flier at once.
>”NO, Rainbow Dash.”
>”Aww, but it looks so coo-”
>”NO.”
>You look over and smirk at “Rainbow Dash”, who responds by folding her arms, err, forelegs, and sticking her tongue out.
>Twilight giggles quietly, and starts to walk away toward where you had left Epona.
>You float along in the air behind her, held up by her cheap-ass magic.
>”Come on girls, let’s see if our visitor has an explanation for why she set this thing loose.”
>You frown as the other two begin following her. Again with this “she”, who is “she”? And YOU’RE the visitor here, what are they even talking abou-
>You look up ahead of Twilight, and see that three other horse-people are gathered around Epona, trying to talk to her while she nonchalantly noses at the ground.
>are you fucking serious
Uuugh…
>You rub your head, this is just becoming stupid.
>You have to get out of here.
>At least Twilight is unwittingly helping you, for the time being.
>You just hope your plan works.
>As you draw closer you can hear the other three in “conversation” with Epona.
>”Darling, please, there’s no need to be shy, we’re all friends here…”
>”Um, you can be shy if you want, though. I mean, I understand, I’m kind of like that all the time… why don’t we just give her a minute to…”
>”A MINUTE? Fluttershy, we’ve been here almost FIVE minutes and she hasn’t said ANYTHING! She hasn’t even told us her name!”
>The pink one, who seems even more unhinged than all the rest, raises onto her hind legs to stand in front of Epona.
>She leans in and puts her hooves on Epona’s muzzle, looking worried as she pulls their faces so close together that their eyeballs are almost touching.
>”How are we supposed to be friends if I don’t even know her NAME? What am I supposed to do for the welcome party? What will I write on the banners and the cake and the balloons? ‘Welcome to Ponyville, Quiet Nameless Pony!’? Won’t that look silly? I mean I like to be silly sometimes, okay a lot of the time, but really that’s almost too silly! Oh and what the hay is that weird thing?”
>Suddenly her face is a few inches in front of yours, staring at you curiously.
>SHIT, YOU WERE DEFINITELY NOT EXPECTING THAT.
AAAAAAAAAAHHH!
>”AAAAAAAAAHHH!”
AAAAAAAAAHHH!
>As quick as she came she disappears from sight, her head popping out a moment later from behind Fluttershy.
>What kind of Goddess-forsaken realm IS this?!
>Fluttershy looks up at you, eyes widening as she lets out a soft “eep!” and zips around to hide behind the pink one.
>The white one with the purple mane simply tilts her head, wearing a look of mild disgust.
>”Oh… oh my…”
>Twilight sighs, using her diabolical horny magic to float you over closer to the group and Epona.
>Yes, yes, that’s it, come on…
>”Well Pinkie, we were hoping our new friend here could tell us that, among other things.”
>The marshmallow horse-person turns to Twilight, shrugging.
>”I don’t know if that will be happening, Twilight, our ‘friend’ is even less talkative than Fluttershy-“
>”Meep...!”
>”-in fact her attitude is beginning to border on just plain rudeness, if you ask me.”
>Fluttershy pokes her head cautiously from behind Pinkie.
>”Uhh, I don’t know, Rarity, I don’t think she’s being rude… I’m, um, not even sure if she’s being shy, I think something may be wrong with her…”
>”Well I’D SAY something is wrong with her!”
>In a flash, Pinkie is sitting on Epona’s back, leaving Fluttershy exposed for a second before she eeps and runs behind Applejack.
>Pinkie leans forward against Epona’s neck, reaching her forehooves up to point at her eyes and muzzle.
>”I mean I don’t want to be rude or anything but she’s got super small eyes and her face is really, REALLY long!”
>And now she’s standing on all fours at Epona’s side, pointing to her flank.
>”And she doesn’t have a cutie mark, even though going by size she’s obviously old enough to have one by now!”
>What the hell is a cutie… oh. She must be referring to the tattoos that all six of them have on their flanks.
>You hadn’t really noticed those yet because THIS PLACE IS FUCKING INSANE AND MAKES NO SENSE
>Case in point, Pinkie is now standing next to Twilight without you being entirely sure how she got there, rubbing her chin and squinting at Epona in concentration.
>Fuck this shit.
>”At first I thought maybe she was a big donkey, but for some reason I’m almost POSITIVE she’s a pony, so I don’t really know wh-“
[spoiler]She’s a horse[/spoiler]
>All six of the horse-girls rapidly turn their heads to look at you, dumbfounded.
>You are a boy of few words, but you know when it is time for you to say something.
>For example, when you’re ready to execute your CUNNING PLAN TO ESCAPE FROM CRAZY HORSE TOWN.
>Faster than lightning you pull a Deku Nut from your inventory and fling it directly downwards amongst your captors.
HAH!
>You shield your eyes briefly, being the only one to anticipate the blinding flash that follows.
>”Ahhh!”
>”Eeep!”
>”The hay-?!”
>”Oh my!”
>”Augh!” *crash*
>”Wah! Hehe, firecrackers!”
>Just as planned, the accursed magic holding you in the air sputters out and you drop downwards.
>You hit the ground and roll, already grasping a Deku Stick as you stand up amongst the stunned group and whirl around.
HYAAAAAAHHH!!!
>Spinning in a circle, you swing out with the Deku Stick and give each of them a solid blow to the skull.
>thunkthunkthunkthunkthunkrak
>The wood splinters and breaks in two as it knocks down your final opponent.
>The five of them fall to the ground in a daze, holding their heads and groaning.
>You quickly grab your sword from Applejack’s saddlebag, lifting it above you triumphantly and gazing in wonder upon its pointy sharpness.
♫ DUH-NUH-NUH-NAAAH! ♫
>You just reclaimed your [spoiler][/spoiler]Gilded Sword
>from a bunch of screwy horse-people!
>Now get the fuck out of there!
>Will do!
>You jump up onto Epona’s back and [spoiler]smack the living hell out of her flank[/spoiler]>GIVE HER ALL OF YOUR CARROTS.
>ALL OF THEM.
>With a loud neigh she sprints off, and the two of you barrel through the streets, horse-people screaming and scattering out of your way.
>Crossing a short bridge, you clear the outskirts of the horse-people’s settlement as Epona gradually slows to a calm gallop.
>Ha ha, you almost can’t believe that really worked!
>Sure, you’re down by one Deku Nut and Stick, but you never use those stupid things anyway and still have a ton of them left.
>You gaze up the road ahead of you at the castle in the distance, rising from a grand city built on the side of a mountain.
>Hopefully it belongs to a less psychotic civilization than the one you just encountered...
>Something behind you catches your attention.
>A sound that reminds you of an arrow in flight, combined with an angry scream, rapidly getting louder.
>What the hell IS that?
>You turn around, looking back towards the town of wacky horse-people.
>For a moment your vision is filled with all the colors of the rainbow.
>But then there is pain, and your vision is filled with darkness.

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>Be the Hero of Time
>Day who the hell knows in the Lost Woods
>Is this even the Lost Woods anymore? You couldn’t recognize any of the plants or monsters you came across.
>Plus you haven’t been able to find any supplies recently, no matter how many bushes you hack apart.
>You’re starting to run out of everything but Deku Sticks and it’s making you a little worried.
>Hopefully it’s just a bad dry spell.
>You see the trees thinning out ahead, and spur Epona onwards with a [spoiler]slap to the flank[/spoiler]MOTIVATIONAL CARROT, making her whinny and trot faster.
>Exiting the woods, you come out into a vast, open field. 
>Déjà vu
>At the center of the field is a modest town, with some kind of large ranch nearby.
>Cool, it’s like you’re in Hyrule and Termina at the same time.
>You [spoiler]kick[/spoiler]CARROT Epona into a quick gallop, heading for the town and reaching it much quicker than expected.
>You had thought it was farther away, but your eyes were just tricked by how small the buildings are.
>Apparently this is because the town is populated by tiny, colorful horse-people.
>Damn, they’re really little for horses, even Epona is taller than them and she’s still a filly. 
>They look like they would be right on eye level with a kid like you.
>Speaking of eyes, theirs are huge - apart from that and their short pseudo-muzzles, their faces seem almost Hylian.
>It’s not like you’re any stranger to weird humanoid races, though, so you just hop down from Epona and start looking for the shops that will certainly be here somewhere.
>The horse-people have been looking at you uneasily, and some seem to be staring at Epona’s butt. That’s… kind of creepy.
>At least they’re not making you leave her outside the town, for once.
>After dismounting Epona, you run over to the closest building and try the door. Locked.
>Oh well. At least there’s some shrubs planted outside the building. Maybe you’ll have more luck now that you’re out of the woods.
>You pull the Mirror Shield onto your arm and unsheathe your Gilded Sword, swinging away with abandon.
HUT! HRAH! HYAAAH!
>”AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”
>”THE HORROR! THE HORROR!”
>You look up from your freelance yardwork to see horse-people fleeing in all directions and screaming hysterically.
>Within seconds the street is empty, save for Epona, who just stands there as if nothing had happened.
>What the hell was that all about?

>You continue going from building to building, trying to open doors, only to find them locked and occasionally hearing screaming from inside.
>None of the bushes you cut up have anything useful inside them, either.
>This is getting annoying, what is wrong with this place?
>Suddenly everything takes on a purple tint, and you find yourself lifting off the ground.
>You flail around, slashing at the air uselessly.
HAH! HYAH! YAAAAH! RAAAH!
>Damn, you’ve been trapped in some kinda floaty bubble of magic!
>You hate it when people pull that shit on you, it’s such a dick move.
>”Well, it sure is a feisty critter.”
>You stop waving your limbs and try to look down at the ground.
>The voice seemed to have come from an orange horse-person who’s wearing saddlebags and an odd hat.
>It sorta reminds you of Malon and Romani, for some reason.
>A purple horse-person nearby, with a glowing horn sticking out of its forehead, turns to the orange one and speaks.
>”Yes, I don’t know what she could have been thinking, to just let it run around like that.”
>Wait, are they talking about you? And who is “she”, exactly?
>A quiet flapping near your head makes you look up from the two horse-people standing below you.
GAH!
>There’s a winged blue one with a rainbow mane and tail hovering just a foot in front of your face, looking at you skeptically.
>Shit, you were not expecting that.
>”Soooo, what the buck is it anyway, some kinda green-furred Diamond Dog or something?”
HYAAH!
>You swipe your sword in frustration, barely missing the creature as it quickly flies out of range.
>”Woah!”
>”Dash, be careful! Whatever it is, it’s not in a good mood.”
>Well no shit, freaky purple horse lady, being magically held in the air against one’s will has that effect on people!
>”Probably oughta take that thing away from it before it hurts somep0ny, Twahlight.”
>”Ah, good point, Applejack.”
>You look down at the two on the ground again, raising an eyebrow.
>Hurts some-whatty, now?
>You notice the horn on the one called “Twilight” is glowing a little brighter, what’s up with tha-OH SHIT YOUR SWORD
GYEEH?!
>You feel it being jerked from your grasp, and before you can even look to see what happened it’s already floating down in a little purple cloud of magic.
>It lands in one of “Applejack”s saddlebags and the magic dissipates, accompanied by a dimming in the glow around Twilight’s horn.
>You glare at her with realization.
>Okay, you get how this works now.
>It is ON, bitches.

>You take a quick glance into your inventory, beginning to form a strategy.
>”Could you hold onto that for a while, Applejack?”
>”Sure thing, sugarcube.”
>”Oh, oh, I’ll carry it Twili-“
>Both of the earthbound horse-people interrupt the flier at once.
>”NO, Rainbow Dash.”
>”Aww, but it looks so coo-”
>”NO.”
>You look over and smirk at “Rainbow Dash”, who responds by folding her arms, err, forelegs, and sticking her tongue out.
>Twilight giggles quietly, and starts to walk away toward where you had left Epona.
>You float along in the air behind her, held up by her cheap-ass magic.
>”Come on girls, let’s see if our visitor has an explanation for why she set this thing loose.”
>You frown as the other two begin following her. Again with this “she”, who is “she”? And YOU’RE the visitor here, what are they even talking abou-
>You look up ahead of Twilight, and see that three other horse-people are gathered around Epona, trying to talk to her while she nonchalantly noses at the ground.
>are you fucking serious
Uuugh…
>You rub your head, this is just becoming stupid. 
>You have to get out of here.
>At least Twilight is unwittingly helping you, for the time being.
>You just hope your plan works.
>As you draw closer you can hear the other three in “conversation” with Epona.
>”Darling, please, there’s no need to be shy, we’re all friends here…”
>”Um, you can be shy if you want, though. I mean, I understand, I’m kind of like that all the time… why don’t we just give her a minute to…”
>”A MINUTE? Fluttershy, we’ve been here almost FIVE minutes and she hasn’t said ANYTHING! She hasn’t even told us her name!”
>The pink one, who seems even more unhinged than all the rest, raises onto her hind legs to stand in front of Epona. 
>She leans in and puts her hooves on Epona’s muzzle, looking worried as she pulls their faces so close together that their eyeballs are almost touching.
>”How are we supposed to be friends if I don’t even know her NAME? What am I supposed to do for the welcome party? What will I write on the banners and the cake and the balloons? ‘Welcome to Ponyville, Quiet Nameless Pony!’? Won’t that look silly? I mean I like to be silly sometimes, okay a lot of the time, but really that’s almost too silly! Oh and what the hay is that weird thing?”
>Suddenly her face is a few inches in front of yours, staring at you curiously.
>SHIT, YOU WERE DEFINITELY NOT EXPECTING THAT.
AAAAAAAAAAHHH!
>”AAAAAAAAAHHH!”
AAAAAAAAAHHH!
>As quick as she came she disappears from sight, her head popping out a moment later from behind Fluttershy.
>What kind of Goddess-forsaken realm IS this?!
>Fluttershy looks up at you, eyes widening as she lets out a soft “eep!” and zips around to hide behind the pink one.
>The white one with the purple mane simply tilts her head, wearing a look of mild disgust.
>”Oh… oh my…”
>Twilight sighs, using her diabolical horny magic to float you over closer to the group and Epona.
>Yes, yes, that’s it, come on…
>”Well Pinkie, we were hoping our new friend here could tell us that, among other things.”
>The marshmallow horse-person turns to Twilight, shrugging.
>”I don’t know if that will be happening, Twilight, our ‘friend’ is even less talkative than Fluttershy-“
>”Meep...!”
>”-in fact her attitude is beginning to border on just plain rudeness, if you ask me.”
>Fluttershy pokes her head cautiously from behind Pinkie.
>”Uhh, I don’t know, Rarity, I don’t think she’s being rude… I’m, um, not even sure if she’s being shy, I think something may be wrong with her…”
>”Well I’D SAY something is wrong with her!”
>In a flash, Pinkie is sitting on Epona’s back, leaving Fluttershy exposed for a second before she eeps and runs behind Applejack.
>Pinkie leans forward against Epona’s neck, reaching her forehooves up to point at her eyes and muzzle.
>”I mean I don’t want to be rude or anything but she’s got super small eyes and her face is really, REALLY long!”
>And now she’s standing on all fours at Epona’s side, pointing to her flank.
>”And she doesn’t have a cutie mark, even though going by size she’s obviously old enough to have one by now!”
>What the hell is a cutie… oh. She must be referring to the tattoos that all six of them have on their flanks.
>You hadn’t really noticed those yet because THIS PLACE IS FUCKING INSANE AND MAKES NO SENSE
>Case in point, Pinkie is now standing next to Twilight without you being entirely sure how she got there, rubbing her chin and squinting at Epona in concentration.
>Fuck this shit.
>”At first I thought maybe she was a big donkey, but for some reason I’m almost POSITIVE she’s a pony, so I don’t really know wh-“
[spoiler]She’s a horse[/spoiler]
>All six of the horse-girls rapidly turn their heads to look at you, dumbfounded.
>You are a boy of few words, but you know when it is time for you to say something.

>For example, when you’re ready to execute your CUNNING PLAN TO ESCAPE FROM CRAZY HORSE TOWN.
>Faster than lightning you pull a Deku Nut from your inventory and fling it directly downwards amongst your captors.
HAH!
>You shield your eyes briefly, being the only one to anticipate the blinding flash that follows.
>”Ahhh!”
>”Eeep!”
>”The hay-?!”
>”Oh my!”
>”Augh!” *crash*
>”Wah! Hehe, firecrackers!”
>Just as planned, the accursed magic holding you in the air sputters out and you drop downwards.
>You hit the ground and roll, already grasping a Deku Stick as you stand up amongst the stunned group and whirl around.
HYAAAAAAHHH!!!
>Spinning in a circle, you swing out with the Deku Stick and give each of them a solid blow to the skull.
>thunkthunkthunkthunkthunkrak
>The wood splinters and breaks in two as it knocks down your final opponent.
>The five of them fall to the ground in a daze, holding their heads and groaning.
>You quickly grab your sword from Applejack’s saddlebag, lifting it above you triumphantly and gazing in wonder upon its pointy sharpness.

♫ DUH-NUH-NUH-NAAAH! ♫

>You just reclaimed your [spoiler][/spoiler]Gilded Sword
>from a bunch of screwy horse-people!
>Now get the fuck out of there!
 
>Will do!
>You jump up onto Epona’s back and [spoiler]smack the living hell out of her flank[/spoiler]>GIVE HER ALL OF YOUR CARROTS.
>ALL OF THEM.
>With a loud neigh she sprints off, and the two of you barrel through the streets, horse-people screaming and scattering out of your way.
>Crossing a short bridge, you clear the outskirts of the horse-people’s settlement as Epona gradually slows to a calm gallop.
>Ha ha, you almost can’t believe that really worked!
>Sure, you’re down by one Deku Nut and Stick, but you never use those stupid things anyway and still have a ton of them left.
>You gaze up the road ahead of you at the castle in the distance, rising from a grand city built on the side of a mountain.
>Hopefully it belongs to a less psychotic civilization than the one you just encountered...
>Something behind you catches your attention. 
>A sound that reminds you of an arrow in flight, combined with an angry scream, rapidly getting louder.
>What the hell IS that?
>You turn around, looking back towards the town of wacky horse-people.
>For a moment your vision is filled with all the colors of the rainbow.
>But then there is pain, and your vision is filled with darkness.

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