Title:           Zinc or Swim
Author:          Zeikfried
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/mSHsj89g
First Edit:      Saturday 5th of May 2012 12:34:49 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 5th of May 2012 12:34:49 AM CDT

>Your bloodless extermination experiment failed, lamentably.
>But the zinc-based 'Fluffy Stomach Pump' technique you submitted to YouTube got a lot of positive comments from pony owners in the month since.
>Especially after you figured out how to do it by cutting a post-1982 penny in half and filing the cut side for zinc.
>You still have your ponies in the backyard cages.
>The dams foaled a week after your experiment, producing three living ponies between them.
>You still have your chunk of zinc, currently holding down a job as a paperweight on your computer desk.
>And next to it, you have the notes on zinc's effect on pony stomachs recorded in your handy, dandy notebook.
>The chunk and notebook are better company than the ponies, but that's neither here nor there.
>There's one hypothesis that's been begging for testing.
>You formulated it roughly around the time you had to bathe the original four crap-smeared fluffies.
>Fluffy ponies sink like rocks once their fluff gets waterlogged.
>However, hydrogen gas floats.
 
>It's a hot day today.
>You decide to put your hypothesis to the test.
>A sparing hand is needed on the zinc, of course.
>Less than a gram of zinc was enough to bloat Buddy and Cannon so badly that it forced out the contents of their alimentary tract.
>Violently, in Cannon's case; hence the moniker.
>(It used to be Shitcannon until your parents announced a visit.)
>You gently file your chunk until you have a small pile of zinc on a sheet of wax paper.
>Then, using a paring knife, you separate out several grains.
>Now you need something to put this zinc in.
>Sticky would be best for taking the zinc off the knife, and sweet would be best for actually getting the pony to eat.
>Fortunately, you thought ahead and laid in a stock of the best candy bar on the market: Caramello.
>You open a bar and break off one of the squares.
>Carefully balancing the grains on the tip of the knife, you slide it into the slit where the caramel peeks out of the square.
>Then extract the knife, scraping the flat against the edge of the candy.
>An inspection of the blade reveals no grains of zinc left on it.
>You fuckin' MacGyver.
 
>Time for the test!
>You set your candy square down, lick the melted residue off your fingers, and head out to the yard.
>After the experiment, you pulled up some of the dividing wire to make one larger cage and one 'time-out' cage.
>You also replaced the wooden plank that was serving as the 'gate' with a sheet of plexiglass.
>It lets you keep an eye on them from the backdoor.
>All the ponies are in the large cage at present.
>You take some chow out to them.
>Then you head for the storage shed and pull out your old inflatable wading pool and your bike pump.
>One of the new fluffy colts watches the pool over his food the entire time you're inflating and filling it.
>It's a sea-green earth pony.
>He's been trouble since he got big; he seems have a morbid fascination with water.
>In defiance of millions of... hours... of fluffy evolution.
>Lately you've been coming home to find six parched ponies gasping at you through the summer heat.
>With a content Sea-green lying in the middle of the empty water trough, having long since splashed the water out or absorbed it into his fluff.
>Annoying as it usually is, you decide to let it work for you today.
 
>You fetch the candy from inside.
>Meanwhile, Sea-green stares at the pool and scrapes his soft hooves on the plexiglass.
>Returning to the yard, you pick him up.
>"Have you been a good fluffy today, Sea-green?"
>"Seagween good fwuffy, yup!" he squeaks.
>"Have you been leaving the drinking trough alone?"
>"Seagween no touch twof! Seagween good fwuffy! Pway wif Seagween?" he replies, still transfixed by the pool.
>"Sure. But first, I got you a treat, since you've been so good."
>Sea-green's eyes light up as you present the candy to him, and he gobbles it quickly.
>"Fank 'oo!" he says, beaming you a chocolatey smile. "Pway now?"
>You set him down and he quickly runs over to inspect the pool.
>"Dis twof big!"
>"That's not a trough, it's a pool," you correct.
>"Puuw? Can pway in puuw?"
>"Sure, buddy."
>(Meters away, Buddy momentarily loses the train of his thoughts as he hears his name.)
>"Pick Seagween up pwease? Want to pway in puuw!" chirps the aquatic-minded pony.
>"Do you? Are you feeling all right? It's dangerous to get in the pool of you're tired or hurt anywhere."
>"Seagween fine, siwwy! Poow!"
>Apparently the meagre dose of zinc isn't hurting his stomach yet.
 
>Obediently, you pick up your pony and set him in the pool.
>You keep his back fluff in hand, to test the buoyancy.
>He begins to panic and thrash water when he realizes his hooves can't touch the bottom.
>"Hewp! Hewp! Wata too deep!"
>However, the hydrogen in his stomach seems to do its job, and eventually he realizes he's not sinking.
>Ecstatic, he begins to splash and maunder, meaningless syllables pouring out of his mouth.
>You take the opportunity to soak his back fur with your free hand, to see if the hydrogen can buoy up a fully waterlogged pony.
>"Seagween tummy feew funny..." he says, when you finish weighing him down.
>"Ok? Funny how?" you reply.
>"Tummy feew... pushy! Pushy tummy push Seagween!"
>Then he hiccups.
>You laugh as he goes back to splashing.
 
>Time for the final test.
>You let go of your pony's back fluff.
>Sea-green panics again for a moment when he feels you release him.
>But when no death is forthcoming, he starts to flap around in the water on his own.
>You watch him carefully with your hands ready as he paddles across the pool, hiccuping occasionally.
>"Ok Sea-green, you're doing great, try to come back to me now!" you cajole.
>"Coming!" the pony answers.
>But as he tries to angle around in the water, the gas in his stomach shifts it to the side.
>You start as Sea-green heels completely over, turning bottom-up.
 
>Luckily, his muzzle remains above water.
>He waggles his hooves in the air to try to roll over.
>But the gas trapped in his stomach resolutely refuses to go below the water level again.
>"Sowwy daddy!" he calls. "Pushy tummy no wet come back! Pushy tummy puwwing Seagween now!"
>You laugh at this and pull his rear hoof, skimming him through the water backwards.
>He giggles and hiccups uncontrollably as you let go and he bumps into the side of the pool.
>"You play as much as you like, ok?"
>"Fank 'oo daddy! *hic*" he says, wiggling his legs again.
>You step inside to get a drink and a kitchen towel, keeping an eye on him through the back door as he floats placidly and babbles.
 
>You return with the towel, prepared to dry your pony once he gets tired of playing.
>Sea-green is quiet as you sit down by the poolside again.
>"You done playing?" you ask, tugging a hoof.
>He looks at you and waves his other hooves, but gives no answer.
>Curious and a little unnerved, you grab his belly fluff and haul the heavy, wet pony out of the pool, then set him down on the grass.
>Holy crap, not breathing.
>You roll him over, trying to make sense of this; his muzzle isn't even wet.
>Picking him up by the tail, you hold him face-down and squeeze his chest.
>Sea-green coughs and produces a slimy brown liquid from his mouth and nose.
>Then starts rubbing it with his front hooves.
>You squeeze again and again, and more flows out of the spluttering pony.
>After the last squeeze, Sea-green gasps air and then retches out more brown goop onto the lawn.
>"Nose buwning! Mean nose huwt fwuffy!" he complains, once he stops gulping air.
>So the brown stuff is the contents of his stomach.
>Looks like the gas pushed it back up his esophagus and it spilled into his lungs while he was upside-down.
>Against all odds, fluffy pony nearly drowned on solid food and a hiccup.
>Fluffy pony should have waited an hour before swimming after eating.
>You sit perplexed for a minute, as Sea-green rubs at his nose and spits.
 
>Coming to a decision, you tuck Sea-green under your arm and head for the storage shed again.
>Breaking out your tackle box, you fetch out an old lead sinker.
>You grab some of the wet fur on your pony's belly and thread it through the eyehole, then tie it.
>Heading back to the pool, you set your fluffy in the water again.
>Sea-green looks at you in quiet panic as you let go.
>"Sorry buddy, but I have to see if this will work."
>He doesn't seem inclined to move, so...
>You tilt him to the side, then let go again.
>The sinker pulls him upright.
>YouTube ahoy!