Title:           Anon Tried to Kill Himself - Act I, part 5
Author:          Writefag_Roulette
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/QZts91EK
First Edit:      Thursday 25th of August 2016 12:04:02 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 25th of August 2016 12:04:02 PM CDT

Part 5: Anon Fucking Hates the Spa
 
>recoiling, you leap out of bed
>this, you come to realize, was a horrible idea
>your senses are overwhelmed with pain and sickness and bright light
>time for some magic of your own
>it comes rushing up and out of your esophagus and right onto your unfortunate partner
>Tumble Hooves gets a full blast broadside
>but she's as steady a ship as there ever were, and she takes it with nary pitch nor a roll
>that horse is passed the fuck out
"S-s-s-s-s-s..sorry…"
>you limp weakly from your room toward the kitchen
>you see that Twilight's night must have been comparable to yours
>she's visibly frazzled, and she's rushing around the kitchen with quill pens and paperwork galore flying about
>you stand there for a full five minutes or so before she notices you
>"Oh, Anon, good morning"
>there's a horsecock drawn on her eyelid
"So… how was… your, uh, night?"
>her hair is a clumpy apocalypse
>"Oh, it was fine, fine, just great! I just need to fill out a few forms here, sign a few waivers, make a few court appearances, hunt down a communist terrorist, and there'll be no legal consequences for either of us!"
>an overpowering scent of stale maple syrup floats off of her body and into your nostrils
>a flash of green flame alerts you to Spike's presence
>he lies on the ground in agony as his fire materializes into another legal document
>holy shit, is that where all these papers came from?
"I'm sorry, Twilight."
>"Oh-ho-ho, don't worry about it, little buddy! It's fine, just fine, fine fine! So fine!"
>a purple eyelid twitches
>"It's really not your fault. I should have kept a closer eye on you. And also I probably shouldn't have chugged a whole keg of Grey Mare. Or given you the key to our nation's capitol palace. You probably weren't ready for a Pinkie party, and that one went way more out of control than ususal."
>a whole keg of vodka?
>geez-o-fucking-loo
>Twilight clearly wasn't much better adapted for such things than you were
>maybe it was true what she said about having been a "standoffish shutin" once
"I guess a big crazy party like that really wasn't a cup of tea for either of us."
>she looks you in the eye with a smile
>"No, I guess it really wasn't."
>a sensible chuckle is shared
>but it's cut short by another blast of green flame
>Twilight grabs the paper and her eyes pop out of her skull
>"SWEET FANCY STARSWIRL! ONE HUNDRED?!"
>Twilight purples her horn and a scalpel, a petri dish, a micropipette, a vial of liquid, and a list of adoption centers in the greater Ponyville area float into the room
>"Anon, I need to get to Fluttershy's right away! Rarity's coming over to take you to the spa. I'm sure you'll like it a lot more than last night. Bye!"
>a flash of light and she's gone
>another and she's back
>"Oh, and get Spike to his bed. Poor thing must have the most awful tummyache right now."
>and she's gone again
>you decide not to take Spike back to his own bed, as the room is somewhat less than decent right now
>so you enter the royal bedchamber and set him down on a deep amethyst pillow
>apart from a strong scent of maple syrup, it's surprisingly clean in here
>you head down and wait outside the door
>AGH, THE SUN, IT BURNS
>you forgot you were still hungover like a motherfuck
>fortunately you're not left waiting too long
>"Ah, Anonymous, darling. I had such a wonderful time with you at the party last night. Ready to go?"
>how is this horse in such good shape?
>and how in hell did she have a "wonderful time" with you?
>you grunt a wordless greeting, get up and walk over to her
>"Wonderful! Twilight told me you'd be in terrible condition this morning, and I figured that a nice afternoon at the spa would work wonders for you!"
>"Ah, it's right around this corner"
>"Annnd, here we are!"
>you follow the white pony into a garishly posh facility
>and you're greeted by two ponies in headbands who remind you of Trix yogurt
>"Aaaahhhhh, Miss Rarity! What can we do for you and your friend today?"
>"Hm, I'm caught between the hot rocks, the mudbath, and the seaweed wrap…"
>she turns to you
>"Anonymous, darling, what do you think we should get here?"
 
>hot rocks?
>that sounds fucking ebin my dude
"What about the hot rocks?"
>"Ooh, that does sound so excellent!"
>"Lotus, Aloe, prepare some hot rocks for my friend and I."
>they lead you to a room with two tables in it
>"Lay down right there, and we'll be with you in a moment."
>in the few minutes they're gone, there is absolute silence
>are you supposed to say something?
>you look over at Rarity for some cue
>she's giving you a sincere smile
>ohshitohfuckohwhatamisupposedtodo
>you attempt to twitch your mouth into a smile back, but it just won't stay
>you give up and look away
>and check on her response with your peripheral vision
>her smile is replaced with a look that seems to be somewhere between confusion and indignance
>fuck
>"And we are back with your hot rocks."
>there's no reply, and the awkward tension rises doubles
>"And we'll just put them here…"
>Rarity sighs as heated stones are layed on her back, the autism of a moment previous forgotten
>thank fuck
>maybe this'll make things less-
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH''
>IT BURNS
>the blue pony jolts in shock
>and drops the whole bucket onto your unprotected, hairless body
>WAKE ME UP INSIDE
>"A-a-a-ah, j-just let me put a towel there…"
>she violently swipes the rocks off of your back with a hoof, making impacts and friction
>CAN'T WAKE UP
>she hastily puts a towel on your ruined skin and drops more rocks on it, creating and unbearable sense of irritation and ripping
>SAVE MEE
>you flop off of the table and onto the floor, still screaming like an angered tard
>Rarity rushes over and throws some bits at the attendants
>"Ah, let's just get you home now, darling."
>she's met with more shrieking
>"Or, uh, maybe to the emergency room?"
>it's actually not agonizing anymore
>you're just screeching now