Title:           Anon Tried to Kill Himself - Act I, part 4
Author:          Writefag_Roulette
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/1LzhTQrT
First Edit:      Thursday 25th of August 2016 11:59:34 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Thursday 25th of August 2016 12:00:24 PM CDT

Part 4: Anon Fucking Hates Fun
 
"Wait, you're telling me that that mirror was magic?"
>"Of course. How else do you explain the universe-jumping and the transformations?"
>you make your face as near a perfect costanza.jpg as you can get
"You're telling me… magic?"
>Twilight purples her horn and you feel a slap across your face
>"Magic."
>oh
>so that's what that purple shit is
>reflecting on the conversation you've just had, you marvel at the fact that you just had a conversation
>was that even a good thing?
>you eat the rest of your breakfast in silence
>you rapidly lose sight of the outside world, retreating into your thoughts
>"Anon"
>"Anon"
>"Anon"
>shaking your head, you look over to your host
>"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
>her smile gives it away
>fucking sneaky cunt was trying to therapy you the whole time
>you mutter something, even you don't know what you meant to say
>"Well all right then. Say, I'm visiting a good friend after breakfast. Care to join me?"
>you really don't care to join her
"S-s-s-sure…"
>fucking shitfucks on a niggerdick why did you say that?
>you've gotta be an alpha and stand up for yourself for once in your life, you fucking Nice Guyold
>"Great! Why don't we head out right now?"
"O-okay…"
>y-you'll stand up for yourself later probably
>you meekly go out after your ruler
>the sun is too bright
>this walking makes your feet hurt
>you wish you were at home doing nothing of value
>this building you're coming up to looks like an ugly cupcake or something
>Pinkie the pink horse is waiting outside for you
>"HI TWILIGHT! HI NONNY!"
>you cringe a little bit
>Twilight, in a flash, leans over to Pinkie's ear
>"Pinkie, you're making him uncomfortable."
>oh my fucking why
>"Oh, I'm sorry Anonymous, I'm just so excited to be here with you and Twilight and Gummy and-"
>a purple hoof plugs her mouth
>it occurs to you that you've never told anyone in magic horse land that Anon is short for Anonymous
>Twilight makes a suggestion
>"Why don't we go inside?"
>Pinkie leaps into the air
>"OOH! THAT'S A GOOD IDEA! LET'S GO!"
>she dashes inside so fast she leaves a pink contrail in her wake
>Twilight smiles at you like a teacher encouraging her downy student
>"Well, go on, Anon. Open the door."
>you hesitantly obey
>you're greeted with a solid wall of color and noise
>"SURPRISE!"
>JUST
 
>"WhenTwilightsaidshewasbringingyouovertovisitIgotsoexcitedbutalsoalittlebitnervousbecauseforasecondthereIcouldn'tthinkofwhattodoandthenIrealizedthatthebestthingtodowhenafriendtriestokillthemselfistothrowapleasedon'ttrytokillyourselfagainslashyouareanappreciatedandvaluedmemberofourcommunitypartyandIjustwannasaythat…"
>your mind blanks out the torrential downpour of ADHD somewhere around this point
>you stand there gripping your tie tightly, eyes darting in all directions
>holy fuck why are there so many horses?
>Twilight's hoof nudges your hand
>"Anon, would you like me to introduce you to some of the ponies?"
"S-sure."
>keeping her torso against your leg, she takes you around the room to see a group of four ponies, all of them from the breakfast yesterday
>"Hi everyone, this is Anon."
>a chorus of cheery greetings emanates from the little clique
>"Anon, these are my closest and dearest friends. With their help, I went from a standoffish shutin to the pony I am today."
>it's obvious what she's trying to imply here
>"This is Applejack,"
>"How d'ye do, Mr. Anon?"
>"and Rarity,"
>"I'm truly glad to make your acquaintance, darling."
>"and Rainbow Dash,"
>"'Sup?"
>"and Fluttershy."
>"Hello."
>like the scene from yesterday never even happened
>except that it did happen
"Uh…"
>the girls turn away from you and resume their conversation without missing a beat
>you're not sure if you should be offended or relieved
>"Oh, well, that's all right, Anon. Why don't we go get some refreshments?"
>now you know what this is like
>this is like that time your mother tried to bring you to her friend's house for her friend's daughter's birthday party
>you have to be more social, Anon
>if this goes anything like that, all you have to do is silently follow Twilight around until the embarrassment of being associated with such a collassal failure at life drives her out of the party
>Twilight doesn't realize that her training will fail because you are aspergers incarnate, and your will to be autistic is unconquerable
>but as you reach the table, something unexpected happens
>"HEY NONNY!"
>the pink mass hits you before the floor does
>unexpected_intimacy.jpg
>you catch Twilight's face, somewher between concern and amusement
>"Nonny, you look a little bit uncomfortable."
"W-well you are pinning me down…"
>"Not like that, silly! Like in general!"
>you have no reply
>"That's okay, Anon, sometimes I feel uncomfortable at parties too, and I really really really love parties! But do you know what always helps me get over it?"
>a pink hoof produces a plastic cup full of amber nectar
>Twilight's voice develops a slight trill
>"Pinkie, are you sure this should be that kind of party?"
>Pinkie ignores her princess, focusing intently on you
"Wh-wh-what?"
>"ALCOHOL!"
 
>Pinkie Pie gets off of you and offers you the cup
>you've actually never drank before
>you always heard that drinking alone results in mind-crushing alcoholism, and, well, you didn't have any social gatherings to go to
>but now might be a good time to try it
>you glance at Twilight
>she seems to be pleading with you in her eyes not to do it
>and that sinches it
>you take the cup and chug it down in one gulp
>OH MOTHER FUCK BALLS SHITDICKING NIGGERS IN HELL
>you spend the next fifty years wheezing, tearing up, clutching at your throat, and stumbling around
>after that's all said and done, Twilight and Pinkie are staring at you, seeming somewhat concerned
>"ANON! Are you okay?!"
"Y… y-y…. yeah, totally."
>Pinkie starts giggling
>"Oh, Nonny, you silly head. You're not supposed to chug it down like that? Haven't you ever had a drink before?"
"O-of course I have!"
>the blue one, Rainbow Dash, swoops down near you, holding a whole cupful of that horrible poison
>"Then have another."
>Twilight rushes to your side
>"Anon, you don't have to if you don't want to!"
>Pinkie Pie is less than helpful
>"DO IT!"
>naturally, you take the cup
>knowing full well that no good will come of this, you drink it all up
>at a more reasonable speed this time, of course
>"YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"
>"Hey Twilight, you want one?"
>"Oh, I don't know, girls. Someone has to be in her right mind here."
>"Oh, come on, egghead. Everybody's doing it. Have a little fun for once in your life."
>"Oh dear."
>Twilight, apparently, is just as susceptible to peer pressure as you are
>now you know everything's going to go wrong
>the rest of Twilight's friends come trotting over
>the white one Rarity distributes drinks to all of you and speaks up
>"I do hereby propose a toast. To Anon, our new friend, that he may find happiness and fulfillment in this new chapter of his life!"
>disorderly "hear, hears" ring out, and all take another drink
>now things start to blur a little bit
>the next thing you remember is a red pony with berries on her butt
>"Wow, Anon, you can drink so much! How do you do it?"
>a blue pony with a black mane answers
>"He's a big guy!"
"FOR YOU"
>blurs and blackness
>you're in a basement with a green unicorn with a harp thingy on her butt, a pink unicorn with gems on her butt, Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie
>a banner that reads "Ponyville Extraequestrial Life Club"
>the green one is all over you
>she's explaining how, for the past year, she's been camping outside of your yurt doing nothing but watching you
>"aw shit nigga," says the alcohol, "you've got a stalker! fuckin awesome, dude!"
>aawwwww yeeeeeeh, you reply, gonna lose the v-card tonight brih
>the other mares are just sitting there giggling, Twilight taking sloppy notes on a clipboard
>the doors burst open and a morbidly obese teal unicorn bursts in, giving her best attempt at bedroom eyes
>"HEY THERE, HOT STUFF"
>the green pone leaps at her
>"FUCK OFF, TUMBLE HOOVES, THIS XENO IS MINE!"
>more blurry incoherence
>you're in what seems like a darkened palace, following a pink unicorn with a giant mane
>in your hands is a jar that holds what seems to be a floating picture of the Sun
>she suddenly motions for you to be quiet
>"Anon, give me the mark. Take out that guard!"
>more blackness, but this time with some red and a little more pain
>you're standing at the entrance of the forest
>ponies in golden armor are launching a merciless campaign against you
>but they are no match for you
>you are trained in gorilla warfare and you're the top sniper in the entire US armed forces
>but somehow you got surrounded, and it's all over now
>a mighty battle cry sounds
>it's Tumble Hooves
>she proceeds to rip and tear some guts
>sweet, merciful, blankness
>morning
>you're in your bed in Spike's room
>and so is Tumble Hooves
>you feel something around your dick, but nothing in your heart except shame
>pulling out, you reach down and feel lint on your member
>and there is no doubt in your mind that you fucked this horse in the bellybutton last night