- >You were walking down the road leading into Ponyville
- >yeah, from the fuckin' TV show
- >and you were being escorted by the Mane 6 to Twilight's Library
- >honestly you expected this, of course she'd want to preform invasive uncomfortable experiments on you
- >I mean this IS Twilight Sparkle and that's what she does
- >you gawk at ponies as you walk through town, most of them gawk back or cringe and flee
- >some of them just shake their heads, fuck what did that dumb son of a bitch do to piss these guys off so bad
- >you think for a second and decide that the answer to your question could get very icky and you push it away
- >focus on the now, and now is listening to Twilight talk about the horrible tests she was going to run
- >Twi “Once we get to the library you can send the princess a letter and then we can get you some clothes and somewhere to stay”
- “wait, thats it, no tests no research!”
- >why did you say that out loud, now she's gonna get ideas
- >Twi “Nope”
- “So your not gonna stick me in some kind of brain readout machine
- >Twi “nuh-uh” well, not until we can get a few permits from Canterlot and the Princess' permission”
- >she sounds so excited about the prospect of that
- >you're just hoping Equestrian bureaucracy is as unforgiving and brutal as Earth's
- >By the time you get to Twilight's Treehouse the rest of the ponies had gone their separate ways
- >and you were feeling mighty uncomfortable concerning all the nasty looks you got walking here
- “so this is the infamous library”
- >Twi “Yep, let me get the door for you”
- >she magics the door open and you step inside
- >This place is strange when viewed through 3 dimensions, you're getting a look at everything from a 360 degree view
- >and it's as messy as you thought it would be, with books stacked up all over the place in no particular order
- >Twilight looks around with a frantic look on her face
- >Twi “Sorry about the mess, Spike was supposed to clean this up while I was out”
- >she looks and sounds so embarrassed and it's so cute
- “It's cool, you're just an avid reader”
- >Twilight looks relieved when she hears that and smiles at you
- >and all those Betty Spaghetti stories flash through your head and you can't help but giggle
- >she really is adorkable
- >She starts cleaning up and reorganizing the huge piles of books
- >Twi “SPIIIIKE!, get down here” she says, she almost sounds like your mom
- >you hear a stifled groan from upstairs and soon enough that familiar purple dragon walks dowen the stairs rubbing the sleep out of his eyes
- >of course they shoot open to the size of dinner plates when he sees you
- >Spike “Uhh... Twilight” he says nervously
- >“you do know there's a one of those hairless things in the library”
- >Twi “of course silly I invited him” she says as she busies herself with another pile
- >Spike just looks at her like she has ping pong balls pouring out of her ass
- “hey, how's it going”
- >you say nonchalantly
- >Spike just opens and closes his mouth a few times before shrugging and heading over to assist Twilight
- >That went surprisingly well
- >It took a few tries but eventually you were able to snap Twilight out of her cleaning and back onto Princess letter sending
- “you know I've always wanted to watch you send one of these in person”
- >Twi “well it's not all that spectacular, I'm only sending a letter” she says
- “yea, through magical dragon fire to the god empress of your species”
- >she just nods like you were AGREEING with her
- >Betty was right on two parts, this mare is also socially retarded...
- >in a cute sort of way
- “So how's this gonna work are you gonna write me an introduction or what?”
- >Twi “something like that...” she says
- >After a few first drafts she finally had something presentable
- >they must not show all the times she crumples up her paper and tosses it at the now overflowing trash can
- >It basically says all the bullshit you had said before but in a condensed and less melodramatic fashion
- >you hoped this would work but Twilight assured you Celestia was a very understanding Ruler
- >It's not like You didn't know that, you just hope she'd tell all the other ponies so they'd stop glaring at you
- >But until then twilight offered the lower floor of the library for you to sleep on
- >which meant you were sleeping on a couch that was FAR to short for your 6 foot ass
- >But even with your feet partially on the floor you got some decent sleep
- >By the time you got up (about 12 pm you lazy bastard) Twilight was sitting at her table reading a letter
- Apparently Spike barfed it up in the night
- >At first you were a little nervous but the smile on her face seemed to calm you down a bit
- >she wouldn't be smiling like that if they were gonna execute you or something's would she?
- >all of that paranoid bullshit dissipates when she magics the letter over to you
- >It was relatively pleasant, no harsh language or anything like that
- >however she DID request twilight to bring you to Canterlot for a “Royal Interview”
- >You had no complaints, she was going to hear you out
- >and she could possibly hook you up with a job and a place to stay that isn't a crappy library couch
- >of course twilight was flipping out and trying to give you a crash course in equestrian royal customs
- >so she ended up dragging you to Rarity’s boutique
- >and of course Rarity had to design a special outfit for your meeting with the Princess
- >Which is how you find yourself being used as a guinea pig for her twisted fashion experiments
- >you were a plain t-shirt and bluejeans kind of guy
- >she was dressing you up like Lord Crotchchafe the 7th
- >A long and storied line of ridiculously dressed nobles that you just made up based on the different outfits Rarity's forced you into
- >and all the while she's been asking you questions about your species aristocracy
- >and then twilight keeps asking “supplementary questions” as she calls them about Human culture in general
- >You are not a classy man, in fact you've been thrown out of many weddings and children's birthday parties
- >nor were you all that in touch with society in general, in fact you had quite the distaste for your fellow man
- >most of those guys were dicks
- >so you answered what you could and just bullshitted your way through the rest
- Eventually she settles on something, but she won't let anypone know what it is
- >she said she'd have it done by tomorrow, so you had 24 hours to pray that it wouldn't be some strange Elvis Presley with jewels all over it
- >so with Rarity locked away in her workshop you and Twilight set off for Sweet Apple Acres
- >Twi “so are you nervous about meeting Celestia?”
- “nope”
- >she looks up at you with a face that said niggawhat?
- >Twi “How could you not be, she's the most powerful pony in all of equestria, maybe even the whole world, how are you not nervous!” she says incredulously
- > while poking you in the side with her hoof after every syllable of “Equestria”
- “Ehh... I find that if you get yourself all freaked out before something important you tend to screw up more”
- >boy did you know that from experience
- >Twilight silently mulls over what you just said, almost completely lost in thought
- >in fact you pull her out of the way of a pole she was about to bump into
- >She snaps out of her hyper concentration and looks up at you
- >Twi “Oh are we there already?” she says looking around
- “no you almost smashed your face into a pole, you really need to watch where your going”
- >Twi “oh, thank you, I guess I got a little distracted”
- >of course she'd be the absent minded type
- >Twi “Oh are we there already?” she says looking around
- “no you almost smashed your face into a pole, you really need to watch where your going”
- >Twi “oh, thank you, I guess I got a little distracted”
- >of course she'd be the absent minded type
- >You are Anon
- >and something doesn't quite sit right with your gut
- >you're with Twilight Sparkle on the trail that leads to sweet apple acres, but something seems off
- >it's like the whole universe is about to....
- A sudden lurch brings you out of your thought, kind of a queasy feeling you note, somewhat like the time you rode the “Decimator” after eating 30 corndogs. Oh well, it's past anyway, but for a moment you take stock of your surroundings. Just in case of you've had another change in what passes for reality lately.
- Okay, so you're standing on the road leading up to sweet apple acres, and Twilight sparkle's there. You see she's giving you a concerned look but you don't blame her, You're pretty sure you're making funny faces as your brain tries to work out exactly what's different. Screw it, you can't tell, you're just paranoid that something else is going to happen and you're going to end up standing in front of a chaos space marine warband or something equally dismember-y.
- “Are you okay” she says looking concerned
- “yea” you reply as you wipe the expression of terrified apprehension from your visage “I just got lost in thought”
- “Oh I understand completely, this one time back in Canterlot...” and then she launches into ANOTHER long and boring story about her schooling, and, to your dismay, they rarely feature anything more exciting than “that time I studied too hard and fell asleep at 10 PM instead of 8 and was 1 and a half minutes late to class”. So you pretty much shut your ears off, a tactic you learned when living with your grandparents when you were 13 years old. By god if you ever heard that “this whole neighborhood was a peach orchard” story one more time... No, you won't allow any detail of that hellish tale back into your mind. instead you focus on describing your surroundings with descriptive adjectives to keep your mind off of it.
- It was early summer, you could tell based on the small blooms on the apple trees visible from the road. And by the fact that you saw that really huge “Summer Sun Celebration” sign in town, and unless this town was the type to leave their Christmas lights up all year round (oh how you hated those people) they wouldn't just leave it up like that. You could also see applejack's farm from the road too, it looked just like it did on television back home, albeit a lot less 2 dimensional than you were used too, but it was unmistakeable, the red and white paint, the big ass apple wheathervain thingy on the roof, the applejack standing in front of it waving to you, the rainbowdash sleeping on the roof...
- “Howdy Twilight” AJ says as you approach, “I didn't know you were stoppin' by today”
- “AJ It's errands day remember, I'm here to pick up a few apples for our friend here” Twilight says gesturing to you “Apparently his species can't digest dandelions and hay and he couldn't eat anything I had at home”
- AJ looks over at you and smiles “Aww that's right it's Tuesday ain't it. well ya came ta the right place, we got the best apples in all of Equestria here at Sweet Apple Acres” you chuckle internally at how she pronounces Equestria E-Questria
- “So I've heard.” you say calmly, even though you were freaking out inside, You'd always wanted to try a Sweet Apple Acres apple, but up until now, it was totally out of reach.
- “Juss' follow me an' we'll get ya a few baskets of ma finest from the south field.” she says warmly, as she turns about and heads into the Apple family barn's double doors. You and twilight follow suite and you find yourself standing inside while applejack rustles around in a few bags and boxes stacked on some large shelves on the wall near the doorway. All this noise must've awoke the cyan blue Pegasus that had been snoozing on the roof a moment ago because you hear a few muffled groans and a thump. Rainbow Dash descends from the roof and lazily hovers through the door and over to Applejack, apparently unaware of Twilight and yourself.
- “AJ, how's a pony supposed to get some sleep if your in here making all this noise” she grumbles, visibly irritated that her rest had been interrupted.
- “Well, It's naught like I go ta yer place 'a' business an' complain about all the noise ya make pushin' clouds and such around” Applejack says.
- RD looks like she's going to respond but she completely drops it once she sees you and Twi
- “Hey Twi, What's up?” she says as she idly floats over to her friend
- “I'm just picking up a few groceries for our new friend here” Twilight points her hoof at you “he has some special dietary needs and can't digest hard vegetation.”
- “you wanna translate that into something regular ponies can understand”
- Twilight opens her mouth to give what was surely some highly detailed explanation
- “I can't eat grass and stuff like that” you say, hopefully sparing everyone from another blast of Twi's Logorrhea
- “oh, that's weird, I always thought you humans ate the same stuff we did” Rainbow says “so if you don't eat grass or veggies what do you eat?”
- “Mostly fruit” you lie of course, you weren't about to say anything about meat lest you reenforce popular opinion of yourself as a barbaric monstrosity “sometimes veggies like carrots or lettuce”
- “So I'm picking up some extra apples until I'm able to do some research into the nutritional requirements of humans” Twilight adds
- Applejack comes back with 4 big baskets full of apples and puts them down in front of you
- “This should take care of it Twi” Aj says “Even if that there human eats a pound a day you'll still have enough till next week”
- “I do have a name you know” all three of them look at you
- “It's not like you ever told us what it was” RD says and it was true, when you got here you didn't even introduce yourself before you started demanding things and making sarcastic remarks
- “oh yea, I never did do that did I” you think for a moment, this was a totally new place, a fresh start. You think back to your old life and cringe inside, you sure as hell don't want to go back to eating frozen waffles at $AM watching Mr. T sell flavorwave ovens on paid programming or that thankless job at Best Buy or that cheating bitch of an ex that still calls you drunk every 2 weeks. Sp you thi9nk long and hard for a moment before something pops into your mind. The perfect name for yourself here, something to truly signify that you were done with earth's crap.
- “Just call me, Anonymous”
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