Title:           The adventures of the General and Skittles. 4
Author:          WF-C
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/cYXy0cWS
First Edit:      Friday 16th of May 2014 02:06:48 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Friday 16th of May 2014 02:06:48 AM CDT

 
"987...989...990"
"Sir, put the princess down, I believe we have our next destination."
>FLUMP
"Its about god dam time Skittles, there's only so many times a man can bench press and love his horse before he gets the itch for more adventure."
"I wouldn't know anything about that sir"
"Translation then? There's only so many times a little ladyboy can get pounded by multiple stallions, probably at once, before he gets the itch for adventure. And some serious ass pain. Got it now?"
"That's not what I meant-"
"Where is this next destination at anyways Skittles? It better not be some rainbow fantasy land of yours."
"It isn't sir. We're going to the gem caves, home to the mysterious and elusive diamond dogs."
"A cave? If there's one thing I love to do its explore a woman's body, and mother earth has the largest and most beautiful by far. Excellent choice."
"Thank you Sir, we leave tomorrow morning."
"I'll see you then, now get out, I've got work to do"
"What work Sir?"
"I got to make sure the princess misses me when I'm gone!"
 
"Huff...guh... sir, why couldn't we just take the carpet instead of walking all the way here..."
"Quit complaining Mr.Skittles, you need the exercise. Also I lent the carpet to three young horses who were on a quest for butt marks."
"You gave... a flying carpet, to -kids-?"
"I would give a child a gun Mr.Skittles, danger breeds character"
"The more I get to know you sir, the more you seem like a terrible person.."
"Mr.Skittles your judge of character is almost as bad as your eyesight."
"My eyesight isn't even that bad!"
"Did the princess seem a little... bigger to you?"
"Where did that come from? What do you mean bigger?"
"Girth, I think the princess may be putting on a few pounds."
"Since when are big girls a problem for you?"
"Its just an observation Mr.Skittles, how far are we from the caves?"
"About 3 and half miles sir..."
 
"Would you look at the size of that entrance.."
"Said every man that has ever loved your mother Mr.Skittles."
"God dammit"
"Get a move on Mr.Skittles, there's adventure to be had."
----------------------
"And it's all for me grog, me jolly, jolly grog
All for me beer and tobacco ~"
"Sir.."
"Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin
Across the western ocean I must wander
~"
"Sir!"
"You're a mood killer Mr.Skittles"
"Sir, remember when I said the diamond dogs were an elusive and mysterious creature?"
"Aye"
"Enough with the pirate shit!"
"I take offence to that Mr.Skittles. I come from a long proud line of pirates and I wont have you insult my culture. Apologize"
"Sir, if you keep singing at the top of your lungs we'll never find the diamond dogs-"
"Nonsense Mr.Skittles, I know exactly where the diamond dogs are."
"What? How?"
"Tracking, do you think we've been aimlessly wandering? Once again your lack of faith in me shakes me to my core."
"Why didn't you say so before?"
"I assumed after all we've been through that you would trust me to lead the way. You've cut me with your distrust Mr.skittles, you cut me real deep just now."
"...."
"...Where are me boots, me noggin, noggin boots
they're all gone for beer and tobacco ~"
"Ugh..."
"For the heels they are worn out and the toes are kicked about
And the soles are looking for better weather ~"
 
"..."
"Finally you stop si-"
"Shh Mr.Skittles, and step lightly, they are close now."
"Oh.."
>growing noises
"Ah, there they are"
"My god, there's dozens of them..."
"I'm as surprised as you are at their numbers Mr.Skittles."
"Look at them dig! Going through the earth like it was butter."
"Admire their tunneling prowess later Mr.Skittles."
"Where are you going?!"
"To say hello!"
"Sir, diamond dogs are fiercely territorial!"
"So are your sisters Mr.Skittles, and they love me! What up bitches!"
 
"I'm getting the strangest sense of deja vu Mr.skittles."
"Being chained to a wall in a dark smelly dungeon? We did this before, day one remember?"
"Ah how time flies. Well, if that's any indicator to how this is going to go then I think we're in for a treat"
"Sir, last time a changling invasion busted our asses free, I don't think we'll be so fortunate this time."
"You're a glass half empty man aren't you Mr.Skittles?"
>"You two talk too much"
"Why hello there my canine friend!"
>"Spikko not your friend, other diamond dogs deciding what to do with two troublesome invaders."
"What exactly are they deciding?"
>"Spikko thinks they put big one to work, slave forever, maybe we eat little one."
"Whoa hey lets not be too hasty here!"
"I agree, why would they want to eat Mr.Skittles? Look at him, hes all skin and bone, sickly and pale, and you don't want to know what hes been doing with himself."
>"Stop talking..."
"I demand you let me free so that I can give those other dogs a piece of my mind."
>"Talking talking talking....too much for nothing"
"H-hey wait! Come back! I don't want to be eaten!"
"Oh don't worry Mr.Skittles, they aren't going to eat you."
"Y-you really think so?"
"They're most likely going to torture you for their own sick amusement until you ultimately die of shock, cold and broken on a dirty cave floor."
"Sir!"
"Oh come on Mr.Skittles, its a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard in the ass."
>Click
"Thats better."
"Your shackles... how did you-"
"Faith Mr.Skittles, always have faith. and a pin."
>Click
"Now lets go have a little chit chat with our new friends."
 
>"...Rocko thinks we should make both of them slaves. Why eat little one? Is waste!"
>"Beans has not had meat in 5 days! Sick of eating potatoes, and beans wants big slave! Beans never gets slave anymore!"
>"That is because beans does terrible things to slaves, doesn't even make them work! Only keeps them in den where screaming happens. Rocko doesn't want to know why."
>"Rocko and Beans talk too much, new deal, we make little one slave like Rocko wants, we give big one to Beans like Beans wants, everyone is happy."
>What about what Spikko wants?"
>"Spikko is stupid."
>"Arrrrrroooooo!"
>CRASH
>"S-Spikko!?"
"Spikko is also surprisingly light and aerodynamic, isn't that right Skittles?"
"You guys need to work on your hospitality"
"Nice one Skittles."
"Jesus Christ I think you're rubbing off on me sir..."
"Don't make it gay Mr.Skittles."
>"H-how did you-"
"Escape? A great magician never reveals his secrets."
>"Diamond dogs! Sic!"
"How is your fighting Skittles?"
"I can't fight..."
"More for me then!"
 
>KAPOW
"Eat fist you mangy mutts!"
>SLAM
>BAM
>THANK YOU MAM
"You call that a bite? I'll show you a god dam bite!"
>CRUNCH
>Screaming dog noises
>"My leg!"
>STOMP
"Za warudo!"
>shhhhioooom
"Atatatatatatata!"
 
"Well, that was fun."
"Jesus Christ sir... are you okay?"
"Yes, why?"
"You're kinda bleeding from your... everywhere."
"Love marks Mr.Skittles, your mothers done worse to me."
"Hey wait, there's still one more"
>"Eep! P-please don't hurt beans!"
"Calm your teats Beans I'm not going to hurt you. It would be weird. Like stomping on a defenseless sexy puppy."
"Sir, maybe we should get out of here before these diamond dogs regain consciousness and basic bodily functions."
"Good idea Skittles."
>"W-wait!"
"..."
>"...Please... take Beans with you."
"Oh?"
"What? Why? You wanted to eat me!"
>"Beans hates it in here, never eat meat, everyone mean to Beans, they stop giving Beans slaves because they always go missing... Beans only uses slave for a little bit, then let them go free."
"You wanted to -eat- me though."
>"And Beans is very sorry for that, but please try to understand, Beans hasn't had meat in so long..."
"Alright."
"Wat?"
>"What?"
"You can come with us"
"WHAT?!"
>"Really?"
"Are you serious?"
"Skittles, look at the poor girl, hungry, dirty, unloved both emotionally and physically. Did you honestly expect me to leave her here like that?"
"But she wanted to -eat- me sir!"
"Mr.Skittles you really need to get that grudge issue of yours under control. Come on Beans, go get your things."
>"Beans only have collar and vest..."
"Then lets get the hell out of here. You remember the way out right Mr.Skittles?"
"...Uhh..."
 
"Not five minutes has Beans joined us and shes already more useful then you are Mr.Skittles"
"Its a god dam maze in there sir, how the fuck was I supposed to memorize the way out?"
"Excuses Mr.Skittles, yet another thing little Beans here has yet to do"
>"Mr.General-"
"Call me Anonymous"
>"Oh, Anonymous, when we get to where we are going, will there be meat?"
"Of course there will Beans, all the meat you could ever want."
"I didn't know there was someone selling meat in Canterlot..."
"I found a guy, kinda shadey but he seems cool"
"...Well alright then"
"What? That's it? No retort? No suspicions?"
"Not this time sir, I trust you."
"...Its about time Mr.Skittles"
"Don't get used to it sir."
 
>And so, with a new companion in tow our hero's march back to Canterlot. What awaits them on their future journeys? What roll will Beans the diamond dog have in it? Why is Celestia getting chubby?
>Find out on the next episode of...
>"The kickass adventures of General Anonymous (and Skittles)"