Title:           Thread Bumpers
Author:          VisiTi
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/NaPCWqBR
First Edit:      Monday 8th of September 2014 11:34:17 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 8th of September 2014 11:34:17 PM CDT

This paste is for all new thread bumper related material.
 
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Don't
 
“Hey Dash. What do you think about Cloudchaser?”
>”W-why do you want to know?”
>Dash puts on a painfully fake smile, but Anon isn’t even looking at her.
“Oh, y’know, I was thinking about asking her out. I think she’s cute and all, and I figured why not.”
>Through gritted teeth Dash responds.
>”That’s great Anonymous. I think you should totally ask her out.”
“Thanks Dash, I knew you’d be able to help me.”
>”She’s a great mare, heheheh…”
>Later, Anon spots Cloudchaser in the marketplace and walks up to her.
“Cloudchaser, I’ve been thinking recently, and well, are you doing anything tonight?”
>She looks around cautiously.
>”Tonight? Uhh… I’m busy tonight. Yeah. Totally occupied.”
“Oh, well how about tomorrow? Or, if that doesn’t work, what day would for you?”
>Cloudchaser begins to sweat nervously.
>”No, I’m actually going to be busy all week. And the next one. In fact, I’m booked for the entire year-ohlookatthetimeIgottagoseeyaAnon.”
>With a cloud of dust she bolts off in the other direction.
“What the hell?”
>There’s a flutter of wings beside you, signaling Rainbow Dash’s arrival.
>”Yeah, what was up with that, huh?”
“Oh, hey Dash. When’d you get here?”
>”Soon enough to see you get denied by that jerk. Sorry that had to happen to you, Anon. It sure was weird.”
“Tell me about it, that’s the fifth mare this month too.”
>”Well now if you’re not doing anything tonight, how about we go out for a few drinks?”
“Alright, Dash, I’ll meet you at the bar in a few.”
>”See ya there!”
>As Rainbow Dash waved goodbye to Anon, she heard somepony behind her say something.
>”Cloudchaser doesn’t know what she’s missing, I would so date Anon.”
>Dash twists around and glares wide-eyed at the mare she overheard.
>”If you even THINK about asking Anon out I will fucking KILL you, got that?”
>Roseluck promptly ran away with her tail between her legs.
>Today was a maintenance kind of day.
 
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Fractals
 
>Walk up to pony.
>Try to tell her about fractals.
>Bitch doesn't listen.
>Shove romanesco in her face.
"LOOK AT THIS SHIT."
>She runs away in mathematical fear.
>Ponies don't know jack.
 
>Go to town hall, stand before all the ponies in the area.
>Shout out interesting facts about fractals.
"Despite having an infinitely long circumference, the Mandelbrot set has a finite area of 2."
>No one bats an eye at you.
>You try harder.
>And by try harder you mean talk louder.
"Fractal-like structures are common sights in nature! A very obvious example is a romanesco! I shoved one in the face of that mare over there!"
>A few turn their heads, but their attention doesn't last.
>In a final attempt, you belt out your very interesting fractal facts.
"FRACTAL GEOMETRY IS A VERY YOUNG FIELD OF MATHEMATICS! IT WAS ONLY FIRST DESCRIBED BY BENOIT MANDELBROT IN 1975! THE IDEA HAD BEEN AROUND LONGER, BUT HE MADE IT AN ACTUAL THING!"
>The earth shakes with a mighty force.
>All the ponies start to look around in dismay.
>There's a piercing screech throughout the area.
>Reality itself is screaming.
>Everybody looks up to see it, a giant crack spreading throughout the sky.
>Except you knew what it was.
"YOU ALL ARE GOING TO LEARN MORE ABOUT FRACTALS!"
>It was a giant fractal in the sky, piercing the heavens in a storm of chaos and screaming.
>The ponies began to run for their lives while you laughed madly.
>Today was a glorious day for fractals.
 
 --
 
>Standing in the halls of Canterlot Castle, Celestia sits before you.
>"Anonymous, as you know, there have been a number of complaints about your behavior these past few days. Twilight has asked me to speak to you about it."
>Twilight, that traitor.
>You thought that if anyone could enjoy the majesty of the fractal, it would be her, but you thought wrong.
>Ponies do not appreciate your fractals very much.
>"Please enlighten me as to what all of this seems to be about, as I am quite curious."
"Fractals, your majesty."
>Celestia was confused by your words.
>Apparently her age had not granted her knowledge of the glorious fractal.
>"What is a "fractal"?"
>In a climatic shake you knew all too well, the universe started to bend.
>Everything started to blur in a wave of confusion and static.
"ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!"
>In front of Celestia appeared the wonderful fractal.
>It was without sight or solidity, yet had form.
>And Celestia could see it.
>She could see it and the grooves etched into the air in front of her.
>In smaller and smaller forms they continued without end, moving into infinity and never stopping.
>And she could only stare on into the infinite, the fractal's form overshadowing the span of her entire past, present, and future.
>You joined her in her journey into the fractal, becoming one until a conclusion that would never happen.
>It was a good day to be fractal.
 
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Last Night
 
>You wake up in your bed on your side, face-to-face with Rainbow Dash.
>Last night was incredible.
>Too bad you can't remember any of it.
>How drunk were you?
>The blankets feel heavier than usual.
>Scooping the blue mare next to you even closer, her eyes flutter open.
"Hey babe.
>"Mmm, morning Anon."
>She smiles and closes her eyes slightly.
>"How was I last night?"
"Oh you were great."
>You really can’t remember but she probably was.
>Without warning, a familiar bouncy voice erupts from behind you.
>"Ooh! How was /I/ last night, Anon?!"
>OH SWEET JESUS FUCK PINKIE PIE IS IN YOUR BED
>The pink fuzzball is leaning over you with a great big smile.
"Pinkie?!"
>"Hiya!"
“What are doing here?!”
>”Sleeping, duh! Or at least I was until you woke me up!”
>You turn your head towards Dash for an explanation.
>In response she shrugs at you.
>”What?”
“Dash, why is Pinkie in our bed?”
>”Why do you think?”
>”Excuse me, but could you all perhaps try to be more quiet? Some ponies are still trying to get their beauty sleep.”
>Oh Jesus fuck no.
>You know whose voice that was.
>Indeed over on Pinkie’s side of the bed is Rarity, a bed blindfold covering her eyes.
>Was last night even real?
“Rarity, did we…”
>”Yes darling. It was quite exquisite.”
“Right…”
 
>This has just gotten weird.
>”Now why don’t you bother Applejack instead, deary?”
>Yup, it got even weirder.
>Sprawled out right on top of you over the covers is Applejack.
>How did you not even notice her.
>Well, to be fair, Applejack is really good at not being noticed.
>”Hey Applejack! Wake up and compliment Anon on his performance last night!”
>”Pinkie, please be a dear and be quiet for me, okay?”
>”Fiiiiiiine, Rarity. Pssst. Applejack.”
>And now Applejack’s awake.
>Last night was either an orgy or a gangbang with you as the star, and you’re not sure how you feel about that.
>The farm pony looks at you sternly, and eventually just shrugs.
>“Eh, last night was alright.”
>“Pffft. Cold, Applejack.”
>Thanks for the vote of confidence Dash.
>Well, it looks like you just banged most of your girl’s friends.
>Tis a strange feeling.
>Nope, wait.
>Bed sheets are shifting.
>Six for six?
>Near your feet, Fluttershy and Twilight poke their heads out from the opposite end of the sheets.
>Six for six.
>What were they even doing down there?
>”Ummm… thanks for last night Anon.”
>Thank you Flutters.
>”I never want to speak of this again.”
>Duly noted Twilight.
>So hey, maybe you did fuck all of Dash’s closest friends.
>At least you don’t have pony AIDS.
>Too bad you were drunk for all of it.
>Suddenly, you hear the toilet in your bathroom flush.
>The door opens and out steps Celestia.
>”Round two?”
>Goddammit.
 
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Till Death Do Us Part
 
>Everything is blurry as your vision adjusts to the bright sunshine.
>You can feel the dirt beneath your sprawled-out body as you come to.
>Before you even open your eyes you know where you are.
>"Look everypony! Nonny's back in Ponyville!"
"Goddammit..."
>you mutter to yourself, still feeling sore in chest but lacking any physical injuries.
>Getting up and dusting yourself off, you see the pink one approaching you happily.
>Why was it always here?
>"Hi ya Anon!"
"Ughhh"
>is your only reply as you groan and begin to walk away.
>Every single time.
>Either you have the shittiest luck or the universe fucking hates you.
>Doesn't matter, it's all the same you suppose.
>The ponies eyeball you curiously.
>You begrudgingly return a few waves to some familiar faces.
>Just gotta find the right spot to do it.
>Pinkie is still following you.
>Not sure if that's her name but who cares, it's what you're going to call her.
>You see a bridge that goes over a river in the distance.
>Good 'nuff.
>"Where you going, Anon?" she asks curiously.
>Stepping onto the small bridge, you look over at the water below.
"Pinkie, how deep would you say the water here is?"
>"Hmm, 14 inches! Why?"
>That should be enough.
--
>You awaken on the side of the road with a shocking burst of speed.
>The paramedics surrounding you jump back in surprise.
>"Sir, he's- he's alive! Holy shit, get him in the ambulance ASAP!" one of them yells
>Goddammit here we go again.
>As they wheel you away against your will you spot your car, totaled as shit, rammed against a tree.
>That is going to be an expensive fix.
"Shiiiiiiit..."
>You are Anonymous, and being immortal sucks.
 
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