Title:           Back to School
Author:          VisiTi
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/X8N3rHWh
First Edit:      Friday 29th of April 2016 10:07:36 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Friday 29th of April 2016 03:42:41 PM CDT

>"ANONYMOUS!"
>Oh shit, Twilight's home.
>Quick! Play it cool, Anon.
"Hey Twili- woah! What the hell happened in here?”
>You look around the wreck formerly known as the library lobby for the - *ahem* - first time.
>Wow, someone sure made a horrible mess.
>To say it looks bad is an understatement.
>It's a disaster.
>Bookshelves have been knocked down with their books scattered across the floor, wounded in battle.
>There's water trickling down the staircase, slowly pooling in the center of the lobby.
>Some parts of the treebrary may or may not be on fire.
>That weird horse bust was now living up to its name: 'busted'.
>Heh. Good one, Anon.
>Poor Twilight, for her this must be like the holocaust.
>Girl could never handle shit happening to books.
>You remember that one day she accidentally ripped a page in a book.
>She spent the whole night sobbing.
>Didn't stop you from sleeping like a baby though.
"Man, whoever did this is probably gonna be in a lot of trouble."
>Twilight is fuming as her eyes glare at you from across the room.
>Put two and two together, Anonymous.
>Four? No, wait.
"Oh no! You are not blaming this one on me!"
>"Then who did this?!"
"I don't know. Druggies looking to score maybe?"
>One of Twi's eyes twitches.
>"Anonymous. I left you alone for a half-hour. A WHOLE HALF-HOUR!"
"Well obviously there's been some misjudgement of character here."
>"How did you even manage to ruin the library that fast?!"
"Okay, first of all: I didn't do this. Secondly, if I did, I imagine it was because there was a spider or something. That's just my educated guess."
>Like a really big one.
>Man, fuck spiders.
>Thank god spider ponies aren't a real thing.
>You’d rather kill yourself than be subjected to that.
>"UGHHH. I've had it up to here with you, Anonymous!"
>Twilight gestures with her hoof just how done she is.
>But considering she's pretty short compared to you, it's not that impressive.
>By your standards, she's like, a quarter done.
"Hey, forgive and forget, right? Isn't that like, your nation's motto? So just follow your natural pansy instincts and let it slide.”
>She stomps her way into the library finally, right past you and towards the closet that Golden Oaks 100% totally has.
>You’ve seen the floor plans, you know this shit.
>The sounds of her rummaging through old boxes fills the air.
"Twi? What are looking for, Twilight? Are you- Oh god. No. Twilight, no! Not the leash! Celestia said no leashes!"
--
>This is fucking degrading.
>You feel like some shitty pet being taken on a walk.
>Next thing Twilight tries to do might be to have you fixed.
>That’s a terrifying thought.
>This world needs little Anon-spawns, mark your words.
>It’ll happen.
>Anyways, Twilight is walking you through town.
>Why the fuck does she still even have this goddamn leash?
>Celestia told her that you weren't a pet- or a science experiment- yet here you are.
"Twilight I fucking hate you right now."
>"The feeling's mutual, Anonymous."
>Wow bitch, that's cold.
>Really feeling that friendship right about now.
“So, is this like, your kink or something?”
>Twilight shoots you the dirtiest glare you’ve ever seen.
>Too bad she’s a tiny horse and by her nature it’s still sorta-cute.
>Not in a gay way though. That’d be gay.
“I’m just saying: it’s usually the quiet ones that are into the weirdest shit.”
>Fluttershy, for instance.
>You’re pretty sure that girl has some demons.
>Like, the straight up raunchy sex with animals kind.
>Is that still technically bestiality?
>What an interesting conversational topic, maybe Twilight knows the answer.
>Wait no, bad idea. Remember, Anon, your balls are on the line.
>Twilight’s a horse drunk on kinky BDSM leash power right now, she could do anything.
>Anyways you gotta piss.
>”Anon, PUT THAT LEG DOWN!”
>Damn. Guess you’re holding it.
“Twilight please, you’re embarrassing me. Now let me shit in public like a good little doggy.”
>”Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up-”
"Where are we even going?"
>"The schoolhouse."
"The fuck we goin’ there for?"
>"Because, Anonymous, I can't handle watching you all hours of the day. So I'll get somepony else to do it for me."
>Pfft. Really?
>Typical Twilight, getting other people to watch her pets for her.
>Like Spike, for example.
>Where is he right now? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares? You don’t, that’s for sure.
"This is not going to work."
--
>"This is not going to work,” Cheerilee stated matter-of-factly.
>You're inside the school now, outside a classroom full of kids, with Twilight and Cheerilee.
>And whoo boy, Cheerilee is looking pretty frustrated right now.
>You're on her side. Fuck Twilight.
>"Cheerilee, please. I'm just asking you to put him in with your class is all. Besides, Anonymous could stand to learn a few things about Equestria for once."
"I’m right here, you know."
>"This could be a learning experience for the two of you!" Twilight pleads.
>"Look, Princess Sparkle, I just don't think this is a good idea."
"Yeah, putting the 30 year old male in a class full of underage children? That is your best idea yet, Twilight."
>"So you're not going to do it for me then?"
>"No. Sorry."
>Twilight sighs.
>Here it fucking comes.
>"Then I'm making it a decree then."
>"...what?"
>"Official Princess decree. Anonymous is now enrolled at this school."
>Yup, she did it.
>Purple Pony Princess Pullshit.
>Bullshit, you mean.
>Accidental alliteration is always absolutely asinine.
>"I can't believe this. Can't you find a babysitter or something?"
>Woah woah woah! Babysitter?
>What does she think you are, a degenerate child?
>Fuck you Cheerilee. You've invoked the wrath of the wrong asshole.
>"Sorry, but I have to do this. I'll pick him up at the end of the day."
>Cheerilee just groans in exasperation as Twilight trots away.
>Man, Twilight's kind of a dickhead.
>It's actually sort of admirable.
>Cheerilee just looks at you, a scrutinizing look on her face.
>"Why do you have a leash on?"
>This was going to be a fun day.
--
>Captain's log, star date 2004 of the big pain in your ass.
>Assimilation has been a success. No one suspects a thing.
>The little ponies around you aren't aware of your clever ruse.
>You don't need to be in school- you're just pretending to be dumb!
>Haha! The joke's on them!
>"Alright class, who can tell me the answer to num-Anonymous no."
>Cheerilee can't even stop you or work-up the energy to try as you stand up to shout out the obviously wrong answer.
"Twelve!"
>"Anonymous, we've been through this. This is a history class."
"Oh yeah."
>"Please sit down."
>Well, that was the best material you had. It was a good run, Anonymous, but these ponies don’t seem to have an appreciation for your superior sense of humor.
>Heh, ‘twelve’.
>What a fucking stupid number.
>And fuck pony history, too.
>This shit literally makes zero sense.
>Wasn’t Ponyville supposed to be like, hundreds of years old or something?
>It’s like this shit was written by five different people who had no clue what the others were writing.
>Either the life expectancy of the populace here far surpasses that of humans, or vampire ponies.
>It’s gotta be one or the other.
>Well, you guess it’s that, or either all of recorded history is a biased joke told from the side which crushes any other civilizations to oppose them and then proceeds to erase or assimilate their cultures, leaving the originals lost to the  sands of time and entropy and holy shit you’re fucking bored out of your goddamn mind.
>This is a preschool or something, right? Isn’t it law to have some sort of nap time whenever you gather more than eight kids in the same room?
>Sounds about right.
>Suddenly, a ball of paper hits the back of your head.
>You turn to glare at the motherfucker that did it.
>The pink horse! The one with the tiara: she did it!
>She’s not paying attention to you and is instead focusing on what Cheerilee is saying.
>Trying to play it cool, you see. Fucking bitch will get her comeuppance.
>Why’s she wearing a tiara, anyways?
>Does she want to be a Twilight Sparkle when she grows up?
>Come on, child, you can do better than that.
>We all can do better.
>You pick up the piece of paper from the floor and unfold it.
>It’s a note with neat cursive handwriting.
Do you like me?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
>You look back at the pink filly.
>She waggles her eyebrows at you.
>Sweat beads on your forehead.
>You can just hear the sirens blaring in your head.
>I swear, officer, the child was raping ME!
>”Anonymous, are you passing notes during class?”
>Oh god Cheerilee please no you don’t want to go to prison.
>She begins walking over to your desk, a smug look on her face, as if she’s finally caught you doing something she can actually punish you for.
>Like when Twilight caught you masturbating in the reservoir.
>What.
>CHEERILEE DEAD AHEAD.
>She reaches for the crumpled note, your arrest imminent.
>So, you take the most rational course of action.
>You eat it.
>Just chowed down on that motherfucker.
>Swallowed it whole, right in front of her.
>Cheerilee is dumbfounded.
“What note?”
>”You… did you- the note?”
“No idea what you’re talking about teach.”
>She just stares at you, her face unreadable.
>Is she confused? Impressed? Appalled?
>Turned-on, maybe?
>Cheerilee just shakes her head and slinks back to the front of the class, some of the kids give you weird looks.
>Leaning back in your chair, you sigh in relief.
>Another day, another arrest avoided.
>You think your throat has a paper cut though.
>You’re really going to kill Twilight after today.
--