- >You’re Anonymous, but all your friends call you Anon.
- >Farmhand? You know it.
- >Quickdraw? Best this side of Austin.
- >Texan? Hell yes.
- >However, tonight is the last night you’re going to hang up your hat on planet Earth.
- >Well, that was a figure of speech.
- >Only time you took it off was to wipe the sweat off your brow after a long day on the farm or when you sleep.
- >However, you weren’t sleeping tonight until you got totally hammered.
- >Three six packs in a cooler next to you, ice cold.
- >You’d been working all week and you were ready to kick back.
- >Crack open the first can of Budweiser.
- >Turn on TV to something random that you can get into.
- >Take first drink.
- >An hour later.
- >Hammered.
- >About to start last drink when TV suddenly changes to pastel horses.
- >You shrug, too drunk to care, and down half the can.
- >You black out.
- >You wake up.
- >It’s dark out.
- >That’s normal.
- >Moon is full.
- >You see this through of a window.
- >A stone window.
- “What in tarnation..?”
- >You manage, drunker than a sailor.
- >Wearing jeans, dirty from a day’s work on the ranch, and a button up shirt that’s loose but not too much so, also somewhat dirty.
- >Your trusty Raging Bull revolver is on your hip, where it always is.
- >You never leave home without it, and you sleep with it under your pillow at night.
- >A pouch on your belt has a speed loader and a few dozen extra .44 Magnum rounds.
- >You notice your hat on the ground next to you and pick it up, putting it back on.
- >Much better.
- >You get up and begin exploring, struggling to keep your balance by this point.
- >You figure you’re in some kind of castle, but then again you’re pretty far gone by this point.
- “Ain’t in Texas anymore, that’s for sure.”
- >You slur.
- >You load your gun and cock the hammer after dropping the speed loader a few times.
- >Creep through the halls until you reach a cracked door.
- >Slowly open it.
- >See a silhouette with long flowing hair in front of the full moon.
- >You lower your gun.
- >Fuck, you couldn’t shoot straight right now anyway.
- “Pardon me, but I seem to be a bit lost. I’d be mighty grateful ifin’ you’d tell me just where I am.
- >Despite being unable to see most of the being’s body, you expected a human.
- >You were wrong.
- >Then again, you were pretty hammered.
- >A head snaps around.
- >”Who art thou and what art thou doing within my chambers?”
- “What in tarnation..?”
- >You rub your eyes.
- >An alcohol induced hallucination?
- >”What… art thou? Thou art not a pony, nor are you anything else We have ever seen.”
- >You laugh heartily.
- “Oh I get it now! I reckon I’m dreamin’! Horses don’t talk! They ain’t smart enough for that!”
- >The blue-violet horse looks.. offended.
- >And pissed.
- >”How DARE thou speaketh to Us in such a manner! We are Princess Luna, Mistress of the Night and co-ruler of Equestria!”
- >You keep laughing.
- “I get it! Equestria, like the fancy name for horses! Man I oughta stop workin’ so hard if I’m gonna start havin’ these kinds of dreams.”
- >”Thou are not dreaming. Tis’ very real.”
- >You stumble over and put an arm around the shoulders of the horse.
- “Keep on tellin’ yourself that, horsie.”
- >Suddenly, a sickness in your gut.
- >You vomit on said pony.
- >That’s the last thing you remember.
- >Wake locked in cold, damp cell.
- >No gun, no hat, just a bad hangover.
- >You grip your skull as if to will the pain away, but it does no good.
- >That horse from earlier approaches the bars.
- >”Art thou aware as to why we have imprisoned thou?”
- >So it wasn’t a hallucination.
- >This shit’s real.
- >The hell is it talking like that for?
- “Listen, I don’t know why’n the hell you’re talkin’ like that. Now, I ain’t no scholar, but even I know that ‘we’ ain’t used for one person… horse… whatever.”
- >”It is tradition for Us to use the Royal ‘We’ when referring to Ourselves. Now answer Our question.”
- >That horse is pissed, but you’re safe behind what you assume are iron bars.
- “I don’t remember jack shit. I was drunk off my ass last night.”
- >Oh it’s MAD.
- >”Thou upchucked the contents of thy stomach upon my hooves!”
- >Whoops.
- “Well, I reckon-!”
- >”SILENCE!”
- >A powerful wind blows into your face with the word.
- >Not helping your hangover.
- >”Now, what praytell art thou?”
- “Well I suppose I’ll have to humor you then, won’t I? I’m a little somethin’ called a human. We’re the dominant species on planet Earth.”
- >This revelation doesn’t faze the horse in front of you.
- “Our horses don’t have a mouth on em’ either. They don’t talk at all actually. Just some stupid animals.”
- >”We assure you that We are not like that. We are co-ruler of Equestria. Tell Us ‘human’, what brings you to our lands? How didst thou manage to enter Our castle and get past Our guards? Art thou a spy?”
- >You decide to take out the pain from your hangover on the horse.
- “Yep. I’m a spy from the United States of Gofuckyourself.”
- >Oh now it’s REALLY pissed.
- >”Perhaps if We leave you here until tomorrow night thou shalt become less of a ‘smartass’.”
- >Horse leaves.
- >Notice horse had wings and a horn.
- ‘Somethin’ ain’t right. Horses don’t have none o’ those things unless it’s fairy tales!’
- >You notice two guards, one on either side of your cell.
- >Both horses, albeit smaller than the blue-violet one from before and a mid-tone gray.
- “Well howdy. Suppose you’re my company?”
- >No answer.
- “Ya’ll ain’t much for conversation, are ya?”
- >Time to take inventory.
- >A bed, and a chamber pot.
- >Fabulous.
- >Next night.
- >Now sober and free of hangover.
- >Superhorse returns.
- >”Perhaps now thou art more willing to speak seriously?”
- >Now that your head doesn’t hurt like a bitch, sure.
- “So ya’ll are in charge huh?”
- >”That is correct. We are-!”
- “Co-ruler, blah de blah de blah. You said that already. So I’m guessin’ that makes ya’ll a queen?”
- >”….No. We are but a princess, as is Our sister.”
- “So yer’ tellin’ me this whole land is run by a couple a’ princesses? That’s gotta be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
- >Want to get back home before voting starts.
- >Get to put a Republican back in the White House.
- >”Our subjects love us.”
- “Now I ain’t got no idea how I got here, but I do know that I ain’t about to be bossed around by some mutant horse!”
- >”Mutant-!? Thou art a detestable creature for sure.”
- “Well wouldn’t ya’ll be testy ifin’ you’d been locked up?”
- >She realizes you have a point, but it’s quite obvious that you’ve crossed enough lines to paint a zebra with.
- >Time to try and get yourself out of this mess.
- “Now, I understand yer’ prob’ly cross about last night. I was straight hammered.”
- >She looks at you confused.
- >Obviously she was unfamiliar with the slang.
- “Drunk.”
- >Nope.
- “Intoxicated?”
- >There we go.
- >”I see…”
- “Now I understand ya lockin’ me up while I’m in that state, but I’m one hundred percent sober now. I’m also a bit curious bout’ how I got here. One second I’m drinkin’ myself silly, next I’m here. Well, wherever here is.”
- >”You are in Equestria, strange creature. We do belive We have mentioned this before.”
- “Right, right. Where exatly is that in terms of distance from Texas?”
- >”What is a ‘Texas’?”
- >You’re in disbelief.
- “Why only the best out of the fifty United Sates of America! I don’t see how ya’ll haven’t heard of Texas!”
- >”What are these.. .United States you speak of?”
- >You’re in disbelief at the Uber Horse.
- >Not only does she not know about Texas, but not even about America?!
- “Well then, I have some educatin’ to do. I ain’t a very well-read man myself, but I know enough about history to give you the basics.”
- >You go on to tell of your country’s history in an abridged form, being sure to mention Texas as much as you can.
- >She seems almost disgusted at some of the actions of your race, particularly the violent tendencies and wars.
- >She’s now very uncomfortable with the thought of letting you out.
- >You realize that your gun is missing (You’d been too drunk to notice earlier).
- “Ifin’ ya don’t mind my askin, where’s my gun?”
- >”What is a…gun?”
- “Firearm. Shoots projectiles.”
- >BANG
- >A scream from the other room.
- “I recon yer guards got curious.”
- >Big horse gallops off.
- >Apparently you were right.
- “Y’know, I reckon that I could help him.”
- >You want freedom.
- >This is your chance to get out of this dark, damp, cold cell.
- >Big horse returns.
- >Locks clack and door opens.
- >”Help my subject.”
- “Gladly.”
- >You go into the other room.
- >Stupid horse shot himself in the leg.
- >How the hell he managed it without fingers is beyond you.
- >Nice sized hole.
- >You wince and note that at least the anatomy is close enough to horses where you come from you can do something.
- “Ah’ll need bandages, cotton balls, antiseptic, and a pair of tweezers.”
- >One of the other guards turns and leaves to get the items.
- “How the hell’d you even fire my gun anyway? Ya’ll don’t have no fingers!”
- >The question was rhetorical, but the horse tries to answer anyway.
- >All he manages is a pained grunt as he grits his teeth.
- >The fact he’s not screaming impresses you.
- >Other horse returns with supplies.
- >After sterilizing hands and tweezers, you carefully grasp the bullet.
- “Now this is gonna hurt. A lot.”
- >You begin removing the bullet, but the horse doesn’t flinch or scream.
- >Well trained it seems.
- >You finish and quickly place the cotton in the wound before bandaging it up.
- “Ifin’ you can, stay offa’ it. Change them bandages every few hours or so until the bleedin’ stops.”
- >Large horse approaches you.
- >”We thank you for helping Our subject. Perhaps We have misjudged you.”
- “That’s mighty kind of-!”
- >”When day breaks you shall meet with Our sister as well.”
- “Now hold on there. I don’t know bout’ ya’ll, but I need ta’ sleep!”
- >”Thou will have to cope with the circumstances.”
- >Big horse leaves.
- >Did she just tell you off?
- >You sigh.
- >Need a way to pass the time.
- >Suddenly, an idea hits you.
- “Any of you got a deck of cards?”
- >To your pleasant surprise, one of the guards produces a pack.
- >There were six of you total.
- >Perfect.
- “Now gentlemen, how bout’ I show ya’ll how to play some Texas Hold Em’?”
- >They’re curious.
- >Good.
- >Beginners who are curious are the ones who push the most limits.
- >Losers.
- “Okay then, no chips so we’ll be doing this old fashioned with real money! Let’s see it.”
- >You pull out the bills from your wallet and they pull out some gold coins.
- >Well, this won’t work.
- “Okay, so since our currencies aren’t exactly interchangeable, we have to go with things instead.”
- >Guards reluctantly remove their armor.
- >It’s gold and onyx, depending on the guard.
- >You take your hat and gun, unloading the latter.
- >Wallet, real leather (Best not to let them know that), coins (They might have some value), keys (once again, might have value), and belt buckle, a big Texas flag.
- >You’re loyal to your home state.
- >A quick explanation of the relatively simple rules and it begins.
- >You shuffle the deck and deal.
- “Place your bets, gentlemen.”
- >Various armor plates clang in the middle and you toss in your belt buckle and a handful of nickels.
- >You burn the first card.
- >You don’t think they’d be experienced enough to cheat, but that’s how the rules go.
- >The Flop.
- >Things are looking good for you, but you don’t show it.
- >These guards on the other hand…
- >Despite being expressionless when you first saw them, they have HORRIBLE poker faces when it comes to the game itself.
- >One of the guards looking rather confident adds in another plate of armor.
- >Others check.
- >You burn the next card before the Turn
- >A couple hopeful expressions.
- >You were still in control however.
- >A couple of checks, a couple of calls, but the cocky guard raised two more plates.
- >In goes your gun.
- >Finally came the River.
- >That cocky guard got that smug look wiped off his face when you won that hand.
- >The games continued until you’d finally beat everyone out.
- >Big horse returns.
- >You’ve managed to equip yourself with what plates you could plus your classic attire.
- >She looks to the guards and then you and then back, and then again to you.
- >”What art the meaning of this?!”
- “We played a little Texas Hold Em’. Didn’t have the same money so we went with collateral gambling instead.”
- >She frowns, obviously angered at the guards.
- >”What art thou thinking, gambling on the job?! There shall be severe reprocussions! As for you, We are prepared for you to meet Our Sister.”
- >You remove your ill fitted golden armor and let it clang on the ground before adjusting your hat and loading your .44 Raging Bull revolver.
- “Lead the way.”
- >The two of you leave a group of ashamed guards behind.
- GUESS WHO”S BACK BABY!
- I RISE LIKE A LITERARY PHEONIX FROM THE ASHES!
- EVEN THE LAST PORTION OF THIS CHAPTER VANISHING CAN”T KEEP ME DOWN!
- Tex-Eques begins now.
- I begin my glorious return.
- Not 3000 words but at 2150 close enough.
- This has been in the making for a week now.
- I’m back assholes, get used to it.

