[FR] Day Sexy Sassy Superhuman

Warning: The following is based off of Team Four Star's hellsing ultimate abridged. Many of the jokes are recycled from them.

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>Day Sexy Sassy Superhuman in Equestria.

>”AH CELESTIA! WHY?! WHY?!”

“Baked, be a pal and grab the Manehattan committee member a bag of ice for his balls. Hmm?”

>Your butler bows and heads to the kitchen as you raise your feet to the table.

>Rarity slams her hooves against said table as she glares daggers at you.

>”Anon, that was completely uncalled for!”

“Bitch wanted to cut my funding by three percent. I'd say my actions were totally justifiable.”

>The white mare groans and adjusts her hat, looking to the rest of the committee.

>”I am terribly sorry for Anon's actions gentlecolts, he is normally only half this insufferable.”

>Ignoring the skank that Celestia has assigned to be your keeper, you motion your maid over.

“Pinkie, what's the status on my pizza?”

>”It should be done in about four minutes master Anon.”

“Ah, great. How long did you say this meeting would be bitch?”

>Rarity grits her teeth before taking a deep breath.

>”The meeting shall last as long as it takes to discuss a new budget.”

“Then allow to me to give you your one warning. If my pizza finishes before this meeting, I'll be out of here faster than that poor stallion you brought home last night.”

>Bitchy McSkankerton isn't showing it, but she is at the border of leaping from her seat to choke you.

>Good times.

>Baked returns with a bag of ice, handing it to the douche who dare suggested cutting funding.

>Once his task is finished, he joins Pinkie by your side.

>One of the more ballsy committee members stands.

>Filthy Rat or something; you weren't paying attention.

>”Sir Anon, we are not an unreasonable bunch. We just can't see the logic in spending over twelve billion a year to pay for a service we no longer use.”

“Hmmm, I see your point, now allow me to provide my counterpoint. I ate Sombra.”

>Silence.

>Reminding these fools of your first feat for their government always shuts up anypony who dares question your value to Equestria.

>These slack jawed bilge rats better recognize who they are in the presence of.

>Anon!

>The super sexy, super sassy, super powered human.

>The fuck mothering slayer of creatures with dark intentions.

>The one thing keeping these mouth breathers from being ran over harder than a three bit hooker at a frat party.

>So you ask for a few luxuries here and there, you've earned them.

>If the general public has a problem with that, they can handle the recent zombie attacks themselves.

>Not like you're in any danger.

>”ANOOOOOOOON!”

>Spoke too soon.

>It's that mare, the one who is trying get you to knock her up for saving her kid sister.

>If you had known saving that puppy like filly would bring you this much trouble, you would have let her get eaten by those diamond dogs.

“Welp, looks like my time here is done gentlemen. Remember what we discussed. Baked, bring my pizza to the you know what room when it's finished.”

>You hit a button on your chair and fall through a trapdoor you had built for emergency exits.

>The hatch seals shut with over twelve different metal doors as you slide down to your room.

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

 

 

>”-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

>You sigh, holding your position next to your fellow servant.

>Master Anon was a great hero, but his personality left much to be desired for.

>How mistress Rarity withstands his constant barrage of insults, you will never know.

>”Again, terribly sorry gentlecolts.”

>Mr. Rich sighs and takes his seat.

>”It's quite all right. Without him here, we might finally be able to discuss the budget and reach a reasonable change.”

>”Speaking of, is our budget not handled by the royal family?”

>A portly stallion across the table raises his monocle, coughing before speaking.

>”Indeed, but even Celestia's pockets have a bottom madam Rarity. Frankly, I am surprised she has allowed the human to be babied this long.”

>A voice emanates within the room.

>”I heard that.”

>The stallion groans and reaches for his testicles.

>One of master Anon's many powers, bestowed upon him during his arrival in Equestria.

>Ms. Pie nudges you.

>”Master Anon's Pizza should be done now. Would you rather I go deliver it for you?”

>You let out a sigh and make for another trip to the kitchen.

“No dear Pinkie, I shall handle it. Thank you for your offer though.”

>As you exit, Ms. Applejack runs past you.

>”Howdy Baked.”

“Evening madam Applejack.”

>She rushes into the room, looking for Anon.

>The poor girl refuses to accept the fact your master shan't allow her to conceive his child.

>Oh well, she does bring an air of life into the manor with every visit.

 

 

“Where is he? Ah know ah saw him in here!”

>”Hi Applejack!”

“Howdy Pinkie, now where is he?!”

>Rarity sighs, placing her hooves calmly on the table before her and nearly a dozen stallions.

>”He's already left for his emergency room Applejack. All the locks are in place and I doubt he will allow you in.”

“Consarn it! Ah need ta talk with him, right now! It's an emergency!”

>”I doubt you trying to bear his child is an emergency darling.”

>You groan, stomping the floor.

“This ain't about him givin' me a baby Rarity! He's in danger!”

>The stallions in the room laugh.

>”Right, the human is in danger. What's he in danger of? A sudden wave of estrus hitting every mare within a ten mile radius at once?”

>Glaring at the rude stallion, you shake your head.

“No, there's a group led by powered ponies comin' after him! They just ran through Appleoosa and leveled the town! Mah cousin Braeburn barely made it out alive.”

>They laugh louder.

>”Oh ho, that's a good one. Powered ponies. What's next? Paraspr-”

>*BOOM*

>An explosion rattles the building.

>”... What was that?”

“Ah warned ya.”

>Rarity takes a deep breath and presses a button on an intercom to her side.

>”Front desk, report. What's going on?”

>A teen stallion responds.

>”Oh, hey, yeah. One sec... whoa. Oh yeah, it's zombies. Definitely definitel-OHSHI-”

>*Beeeeeeeeeeeeep*

>The stallions all rise from their chairs, sweating bullets.

>”Madam Rarirty, do something!”

>”Calm down, we have over one hundred trained stallions and mares on the premises at all times as well as an escape chop-”

>*Booooom*

>”... What was that?”

>”That was probably the escape chopper exploding. Now as I was saying, let me just contact one of our squads of guards and have us all escorted out of here.”

>She presses the intercom again.

>”Communications come i-”

>A stallion is crying on the other side.

>“E-ehhh, I don't wanna do this.”

>A familiar voice is with him.

>”Read the fucking paper.”

>The sound of a heavy smack is heard over the intercom.

>”H-Hey the Applejack an-”

>”Read it right cockhole!”

>The stallions sobs more.

>”H-Hey there you f-fat southern whore a-and stuck up a-aryan cunt.”

>”That's better. Now keep going.”

>”M-Me and my big brother Flam a-are killing all of Chariot's men and turning them i-into zombies. S-So I hope you've made peace with yourself, because when I find you I'm gonna... o-oh god.”

>”Keep reading, or I crush the other testicle!”

>”Because when I find you I'm gonna rape every hole you've go-ho-hot! A-And then I'm just gonna keep making more holes to fu-huuuck until there's nothing left but your wrinkled corpse full of blo-hooo-hood and s-s-semen. Oh god this is horribleeee”

>”You aren't finished yet!”

>Another smack is heard.

>”So prepare your dried up p-pussy for my huge super powered co-ho-hock. N-Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot Unicorn's brains ou-OH GOD N-”

>*BANG!*

>”PfffAHahaha! That shit is priceless!”

>*Click*

>*beeeeeeeee-*

>The looks on everypony's face says the same thing.

>We're all going to die here.

>Rarity hits the intercom again.

>”Anon, get up here now! I'm trapped with the committee on the third floor a-”

>And there it was, the voice of the man who drives your mare parts wild.

>”Okay, see, I'm gonna have to stop you there. You see, I gave you a warning before I left that I'd bounce if the meeting did not end before my pizza was ready. Said pizza is now sitting on my lap, so shove off.”

>Rarity stands, face a burning red.

>”Anon you human asshole I-”

>”Sounds great! Now if you'll excuse me, I just queued up some episodes of Adventure Time. Byeeee~”

>*Click*

>You should have said something, anything!

>Asked him how he was or even just a simple -hey-.

>Silence fills the room as Rarity takes deep harsh breaths

>...

>Pinkie steps over to the intercom and calmly presses the button.

>”Baked?”

 

 

>With a quick slice, a dozen guards lay decapitated.

>You take not even two steps from their corpses when your phone goes off.

“Hello Flim.”

>”Sooo, how's my favorite big brother doing?”

“Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards.”

>”Shit bro! You too? What's your kill count? No, wait. Don't tell me. I'm winning.”

>During your attack, a mirror nearby broke, revealing a set of stairs leading below.

“Hmm, they were guarding a secret passageway... though I don't see how it's much of a secret if you keep a group of armed guards standing around it. I'm going to check it out.”

>”Well you have fun with that bro. I'm gonna go skull fuck that apple bitch. AND the old dudes. Ah fuck it! Skull fuckings for everypony! Come here zombie!”

>”Guuuuh”

>*SPLSH*

>*Click*

“Well you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.”

 

 

>Crawling through the vents, you finally reach the room the committee is in.

>”What was that noise?!”

>Pushing the vent cover down, you jump and land in the middle of the table.

>Mistress Rarity is looking at you, smirking.

>”Nice of you to join us baked.”

“I'm dreadfully sorry. The zombies made it quite awkward to navigate the halls.”

>”Hi Baked!”

“Greetings dear Pinkie.”

>Stepping next to mistress Rarity, you pour her a cup of wine.

>She takes a sip and sighs.

>”The manor is overrun with zombies, communications outside this room have been cut off, we can only assume all our men are gone, and Anon is being-”

“Anon, mistress?”

>”A total ass, yes. Can you please handle the situation darling?”

“Of course mistress, I shall do as the butler does... and tidy up.”

>You take your first steps for the door when Ms. Applejack stops you.

>”Now wait just a gosh darn minute sir. Ya can't really be thinkin' ya can just walk out that door 'n not get swamped by zombies!”

“No, I was thinking I shall walk out that door and slay some zombies.”

>Ms. Pie walks next to you, a large cannon attached to her back.

>”Welp, what are we waiting for?”

“I'd say we are waiting for Ms. Applejack to step out of our way.”

>The orange mare sighs and brings her hoof to her face.

>”If y'all 're really gonna go out there, ah ain't gonna let y'all go alone. Ah've handled mah fair share of the biters before.”

“Very well then. Shall we begin?”

>Ms. Pie takes her position five feet from the door.

>You step to the side of the door and open it.

>A group of zombies attempt to barge in as Ms. Pie fires off multiple bottle rockets into the undead crowd.

>As the first wave of rockets explode, they splinter off into smaller explosions, clearing the hall in front of you.

>Needless to say, your guests are speechless.

“Shall we begin cleaning the manor Ms. Pie?”

>Your pink companion lets out a giggle as she reloads her cannon.

>”Okie dokie lokie!”

>The two of you step into the halls, Ms. Applejack following behind.

 

 

>”There's another!”

“Don't fret, it's just a straggler.”

>With a quick fling of your hoof, your silver lined wire runs across its body, slicing the undead pony into meaty cubes.

>”Hoowee! That was some mighty fine string work Baked.”

>You scoff at the mess of cubes and chunks around you.

“Pathetic. Did these fools truly think that walking meat puppets could do more than handle colts?”

>”Gee, I dunno mister. They kinda fucked all your guards, now didn't they?”

>Your two female associates turn to the voice, readying themselves to fight.

>As a professional, you collect yourself before turning with an air of calmness to meet the stallion behind you.

“Ah, you must be this Flim I have heard of. I must say, you look much more lanky than I would have expected.”

>Looking the invader over, he appears to have been experimented on in some way.

>His coat appears much darker than Ms. Applejack described, as well as having unnatural shades of black and red laying around it.

>The horn atop his head seems more at place on a stone statue than a pony.

>His eyes glow with a shade of yellow you have never seen in any natural setting.

>But the most prominent feature seems to be his teeth, all of which appear canine.

>”Well fuck you too old man.”

“That is Baked Muffintop to you, butler to the Chariot organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. I also kill self entitled little twats such as yourself.”

>The morphed Unicorn bursts out into a fit of laughter.

>”Well, ain't you the textbook definition of classy! But guess what Alfred, that little garage wire won't do shit for dick against these fellas!”

>He stomps his hoof.

>A veritable army of undead ponies wearing what appears to be a modified version of royal armor step behind him.

>”Just look how thick this armor is! How thick is it Nigel? Well, half as thick as my dick, so you're gonna need some major fucking explosives to even leave a dent! So you can feel free to start sucking my cock for mercy any-”

“Pinkie, if you please.”

>The spunky maid props herself up on her hind hooves, giggling with glee as she fires off her cannon into the center of the group.

>The resulting explosion levels nearly every zombie present.

>”Oh fuck, that's gotta hurt... Oh fuck! That's gotta hurt!”

>You chuckle as the stallion jumps back, readying himself to lunge.

“Yes, Ms. Pie sure does love her cannons.”

>The mare in question fires off again, blasting Flim onto his chest as the rest of the -army- he brought is decimated.

>Before the powered stallion can stand, Ms. Applejack pins him to the ground.

>”Ya ain't goin' nowhere!”

>”Gah! Get off me bitch!”

>He struggles to free himself as the mare wraps her legs and hooves to trap him.

>You walk over to the helpless colt and stare down at him.

“Now would be the part where you tell us everything you know in exchange for your life.”

>He chuckles, nodding as he looks you in the eyes.

>”All right, here's what you need to know. You go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called viagra, and it'll help you go FUCK YOURSELF!”

>You proceed to stomp on the mouthy bastard's hoof, causing him to yelp.

>”That fucking hurt you dick squash!”

>As you prepare to do it again, he untangles himself from Ms. Applejack, takes a shot at your testicles, and proceeds to rush for the room mistress Rarity and the committee are in.

>Holding your testicles, you wrap your wire around his foot.

“I have you trapped!”

>Laughing like a madman, he rips his own foot off and continues to run.

>”Shove it up your ass! I'm gonna go eat that Chariot bitch!”

>Chasing after him, you arrive just as he destroys the door to the room.

>Mistress Rarity and the other Unicorns are all pointing their horns at him, spells charged to the point of near bursting.

>”Well that's not fair at all.”

>Your employer giggles, a look of smug satisfaction on her face.

>”I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck!”

>They all proceed to unload dozens of blazing magical rounds into the stallion, pinning him against the wall as he takes each one.

>”Gah! Fuck! Fuck! Titty! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Nipple! Fuck! Whore! Fuck! Cunt!”

>As they finish, he falls to the floor.

>His body is filled with holes as he chuckles.

>”H-Hehe fuck. Well, least I'm gonna die with a raging boner.”

>Mistress Rarity steps in front of the beaten stallion, giggling to herself.

>”No wonder Anon uses such brash language all the time. It's quite invigorating. Now then, tell us everything you know or I'll have Baked here peel your penis like a banana.”

>Flim breaks out into another maniacal fit of laughter.

>”Oh that's rich! You think I'll say shit about dick to you?! You'd have a better chance of someone plowing you while the lights are on you fat bitch!”

>Silence.

>”... Baked, please hand me your wire.”

>You smile, handing your weapon to mistress Rarity.

“Of course madam.”

>Ms. Applejack pokes you as mistress Rarity begins to make good on her threat.

>”Baked, where's tha big bro at?”

>True, you have seen neither hide nor hair of Flim's elder sibling.

>Where could he possibly have escaped to?

 

 

>”Adventure time, come on grab your friends.”

“We'll go to very distant lands.”

>”With Jake the do-”

>Your television explodes as some cornholer wearing a white suit enters your room.

“... That was a seventy inch, wide screen plasma high def TV...”

>You take a deep breath and place your palms together.

“So! How can I help you?”

>The dick monger smiles as he lays his eyes on you.

>”You must be the great Anon.”

“Suuup?”

>”I've heard quite a lot about you.”

“Oh really?”

>He chuckles, stepping closer to you.

>”The outworlder, who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond ponykind. A monster, who's strength rivals the princesses themselves!”

“Oh you dirty bitch! Work the shaft!”

>He falls silent, a look of confusion and disgust on his face.

>”Excuse you?”

>Placing your hand on your face, you chuckle and wave your free hand at him.

“Oh, I'm sorry! You see, I like to dirty talk when someone is sucking. My. Dick.”

>He doesn't seem amused.

>Good.

>”Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Flam.”

“And I'm Derpy Hooves. Guess where I am!”

>Douchebag  Mc-break-your-shit is glaring at you.

>”I am trying to have a serious conversation with you!”

“So am I! And I'm failing. And I'm sorry. You see, I'm just so agitated. This ginger haired little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my SEVENTY INCH PLASMA SCREEN TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.”

>It appears you stroke a nerve as the dick is now rushing at you.

>You jump on top of his head, kicking him to the ground and landing behind him.

“Be a sport and grab daddy another beer.”

>He growls and lunges at you, gliding through the air as he does.

>You can't dodge this time.

>The lucky prick lands a blow against your stomach, throwing you against a wall.

>Okay, now you're pissed.

>Standing, you jump into the air.

>Once you have your sight set onto the red headed ass, you dive down with your fists ready to slam into him.

>He dodges, hitting you in the face with a magic blast.

>”You can't touch me!”

>Little cunt dodges you once and thinks he's top shit?

>Time to teach junior here a lesson.

>You open your mouth and shoot off hundreds of flaming rocks in his direction.

>Not a single one manages to graze him.

>”My speed! My stamina! My power! They all rival... nay! Dwarf yours!”

>He continues with his little speech as you grab a large chunk of the cement beneath you, tossing it at him.

>With a quick punch, he breaks the flying turf.

>”I was handcrafted to kill you!In comparison to you, I am a demigod!”

>You stop, letting silence fill the air.

“... Really?”

>”Really.”

”REALLY?!

>”REALLY!”

>Bringing your fists together, you chant while your body is engulfed in flames.

“Astral palms level five.”

>”Level what?”

>A pair of giant celestial hands grow out of your back, stretching out at the speed of sound to pummel Flaggot against the wall.

>He groans and screams as his ribs begin to break.

>After a few moments, you grab him with your glowing fists and toss him across the room while holding onto his legs.

>As he flies through the air, you can hear the satisfying sound of both his hind legs breaking.

>”Ah! FUCK!”

“You know? They say that watching TV makes you violent. I say not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!”

>”Gah! T-The stairs! Got to get to the stairs!”

>He starts to crawl for the stairs.

>You chuckle and walk up next to him.

“What's wrong demigod?! You were talking all that gooood shit just a second ago, then I broke your legs!”

>”Wh-What the fuck are you?!”

“Well?! Heal your legs! Summon up your zombies! Hit me! Fight me! … Give me a hug.”

>He gulps, smiling a bit.

>”R-Really?”

>Does this nigga not understand sarcasm?

>Letting off a wicked smile, you chant again.

“Consumption, level ten.”

>”L-Level wha-OHMYGA-!”

 

 

>Screaming is coming from the intercom as Anon is doing Celestia knows what to the elder brother.

>”We're here on epic meal time! I'm the sauce baus and today we're eating this ginger haired demigod wannabe bitch! Raaah!”

>The committee is silent, sweating as they listen to the human consume another enemy of Equestria.

>”W-what is he-”

“Oh, Anon is just doing what he does. Eating the enemies of our nation to protect us all. This also happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh dear, but I am getting off topic. You were saying about the issue with our budget?”

>”Issue?”

>”What issue?”

>”Shut up and take our money!”

>The human may drive you mad, but he has his uses.

>As Baked pours you another glass of wine, you chuckle as the stallions begin to adjust their numbers regarding your account.

 

 

>Licking your lips, you let out a large burp as you enter the room your bitch of a boss was in.

>It appears no one important was hurt.

>Even the annoying apple mare made it out okay.

>”Hi master Anon!”

>”H-Howdy Anon.”

“Hey Pinks. So, how'd the meeting go?”

>Rarity tosses you a stack of papers.

>Giving a quick looksie, you toss them back with a grin plastered on your face.

“N-aiiiiice.”

>”Yes, it appears that the committee only needed a brief physical reminder of your job to see things our way.”

“And just like that, everything turned out just fine.”

>Baked coughs, grabbing your attention.

>”Except for the damages to the manor, annihilation of over ninety percent of our staff, and lack of a single clue as to who sent the altered brothers to attack us.”

“It was some faggot with a red-yellow mane and orange coat.”

>The four ponies look to you, confused.

>Rarity places a hoof on her head and sighs.

>”How-”

“When I eat things I get fragments of their memories. Quite tasty too. Like little garnishes of history on top of the corpse sandwich.”

>Baked looks to Pinkie, then to you.

>”If presented with a prisoner, could you isolate the memories we need?”

“Hell, I could tell you when was the last time he took a dump.”

>Pinkie smiles as she and annoying orange drag out a gagged and bound stallion who looks similar to the queer who broke your TV.

>All he's missing is the lack of holes in his abdomen and mustache.

“Oh goody. A two course meal.”

>You walk over to the defiant stallion.

“Sup.”

>”Nnn.”

“I ate your brother.”

>He shrugs and rolls his eyes.

>”Ehh”

“Heh, I like you kid. I'll make you a deal. You beat me in a game and I'll let you go instead of eating you.”

>”Ehhh nnn ehh nn nnn geh?”

“Yes, you can skull fuck the apple bitch if you win.”

>”A-Anon! Don't even joke about that sugarcube.”

“Who say's I'm joking? So, we have a deal?”

>He nods.

“All right, one round of rock, paper, scissors. Ready? Go!”

>Rock.

>Paper.

>Scissors.

>Shoot!

“Heh, fucking ponies.”

>You are covering his hoof with your open hand.

>”... Ehhgeht.”

“Says you, the faggot.”

>Lifting him up, you look him dead in the eye.

“You lost little fag.”

>“Nnn.”

“Now I'm going to read your mind.”

>”Hmmm?”

“By drinking all your blood.”

>”Geh!”

“Those of you with weak stomachs will want to look away.”

>All present turn as you begin to chant.

“Consumption, level four.”

>”Ehh hee geh?”

>You bring your teeth to his neck, biting to create a gash before swallowing liter after liter of blood.

>Like drinking cherry kool-aid.

>Except it's blood.

>After a full five minutes of draining the stallion, you toss his corpse into the fireplace.

“Ooooh. Whoever the faggot is who messed with these two is making more. A LOT more!”

>You let out a chuckle of glee, ready to rain death on his parade of freaks.

>After cracking your knuckles, you look to the Chariot's lap dog and grin.

“Going to go cause mass murder, be back later.”

>Bringing your fists together, you chant again.

“Instant location drop, g-”

>Before you can finish, the annoying mare jumps into your hands and holds you.

>Ya ain't goin' without me!”

“-o?”

>Too late to drop the mare, you are now in the cave you saw in the fruit punch's memories.

>”Wh-What the?! Who're these dorks?”

>”Don't care, they've invaded our lair!”

“Welp, looks like I found a good way to get rid of you once and for all annoying mare.”

>Letting go of your uninvited passenger, you lick your lips as the group of mutated freaks try to assault you.

 

 

>Day Cool story bro in Equestria

>It's been almost two weeks of peace and quiet since Anon left to go do whatever it was he was going to do.

>You've enjoyed the silence.

>Chariot has made leaps in advancement with the sass master absent.

>Received a new staff to replace your old one.

>Repairs to the manor were uninterrupted.

>No sexual harassment charges were filed.

>You could go for a few more weeks of this.

>*SLAM*

>So much for that.

>Anon steps into the room, covered in blood as he carries an unconscious Applejack who is leaking something white from between her legs.

>... He didn't.

>”Sup bitch. What's for lunch?”

>Applejack giggles as her white liquid mixes with the bloodstains Anon is leaving on the carpet.

“Looks like you had quite a bit of fun.”

>”Eh, it was okay.”

>Pinkie enters the room with your tea.

>”Hi master Anon! Where were you?”

>”Hey Pinks. Was busy wiping out some cunt named Sunset Shimmer's brother or clone or something. I don't know, wasn't paying much attention. So, what's there to eat?”

>Pinkie's eyes go wide, a smile forming on her face.

“Pinkie, don't. I am telling you now Pinkie, don't even thi-”

>”Tell me everything!”

>You bring your hoof to your face as Anon chuckles, setting Applejack down on the couch across from you.

>”Well, if you insist. So, there I was, surrounded by altered individuals of every race. ponies, ox dicks, flying pussies, even those weird dogs that talk as if they're searching for the one ring. My situation looked hopeless.”

>The pink mare gasps as she sits next to you.

>”Really?”

>”Fuck no. I went to town on those scrubs. Dismemberment here, consumption there, I even made one of them implode. Not sure how either, it just sort of happened.”

>”I find that incredibly hard to believe master Anon.”

>Baked steps behind Anon, attempting to clean the stains before they set.

>”I'm not even making this up. One minute I'm punching some rhyming ox fuck, the next there's this green flying bitch exploding in the other room. Was fucking awesome too. Every one of her organs was still intact. Anyway, as I was dealing with the freaks, I happened to notice Applebottom here kicking some serious ass. I'm not sure why, but seeing her buck things across the room was giving me an erection even hardcore porn couldn't induce.”

“Gah! That's disgusting Anon.”

>”No, that's natural. After we cleared the room, she sauntered up to me, noticing me checking her out. One thing lead to another. Ended up fucking her for almost two weeks. When we finished, the guys I was talking about earlier came in with some sort of dart. Told me to get on all fours and not move. I did the only logical thing and pointed out that I wasn't his mother. He took exception to that. Tried blowing me up.”

>Pinkie is on the edge of her seat, mouth gaping.

>”What happened next?”

>”Easy, had a light snack before coming home carrying my new toy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my room. No calls.”

>The pig picks up his new cum dumpster and heads for the staircase leading to the basement.

>”Oh, by the way, I'm gonna need about twelve thousand bits to cover some lawsuits against me.”

>Fucking human.