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[FR] Captain Anon and the dastardly dolts

By: That_Happy_Guy on Jul 9th, 2013 | syntax: None | size: 10.23 KB | hits: 45 | expires: Never

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>Day Pirates in Equestria's skies
>Ye be Captain Anon, the most feared (and only) human in all the skies of Equestria!
“Ready the rabbits me hearties!”
>And ye be currently in battle with ye arch nemesis; Captain Butterbeard.
>”Rabbits are set Captain!”
>Ye first mate Rainbow Dar'sh be at the ready of ye cannon, damned are those who underestimate the power she hold.
“Fire Dar'sh!”
>*KABOOM!*
>The rabbits be flying through the sky straight towards Butterbeards weak excuse of a vessel; the S.S. Human Tucker.
>The little white rodents break through the bow of her vessel and burst out the bottom, a bloody spectacle to watch.
>”Damn you Anon! Oh, I mean, stop hurting my friends! … Please?”
>Ye be proud every moment the buttery landlubber be fuming at yer abuse of her woodland buckos.
>”Captain Anon! Dire news sir, we've run out of rabbits!”
>Your navigator Ponka Piece o' Eight hops to your side. Worried and shaking a barrel that once held legions of the furry critters.
“What?!? They be fucking for days! How'd we run out of the rodents so fast?”
>”Sir, we accidentally fired the pregnant rabbits... again, sir!”
“Gah, damnation and Sara Palin's left tit... Thar be only one course o' action available to us... Ready the cow Dar'sh! Ponka! We'll blast Butterbeard's abomination out of the sky or go down with the ship tryin'!”
>”Sir!”
>Yer two crew members rush for the galley, where yer cow be stored. Ye unhinge the hatch next to yer cannon and pull up a Mangonal catapult.
>Ye start to ready the beaut, but are interrupted by yer newest recruit.
>”Captain Anon? Sir?”
>Ye turn to face Pipsqueak, the colt who snuck aboard with yer most recent haul of donuts and rum.
“Ay Pip?”
>The colt salutes ye and looks up to yer gaze.
>”Why are we fighting Miss Fluttershy?”
1/?
“Ah-ha Pip, that tale be a fascinating one, but it'll have to wait. This catapult need be ready for when the cow arrives. I'll tell ye the yarn once we be done with the wench.”
>He nods and walks over to the edge of your vessel's railing.
>”Captain Anon, what's that?”
>You tie the bucket down and join the wee lad.
“What in Equestria she be doi- Shiver me timbers! Hit the deck lad!”
>Ye lunge at the colt and brace yerself against yer ship's deck as a dozen or so dildos fly over ye heads.
“Arrr! The wench repaired her dastardly dildo cannons! Dar'sh! We be needin' that cow NOW!”
>”We-HNNNGH! Know! But the damn thing won't budge!”
>Ponka and Dar'sh are pushing the stubborn ammunition with all their might, but the blubbery beast refuses to budge.
>Ye lift Pip and rush to the mares sides, pushing and shoving the bovine until she be near the large bucket.
“Have ye any last words before we send you off to Davey Jones locker?”
>”You're insane! All insane! Why haven't the Princesses locked you up you fuUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”
>The beast be flying through the air now.
“Haha! The Princesses!? The over fed, under walked fools have no quarter with us! Ye might as well pray for mercy from timberwolves ye fat stern.”
>Ye slap your knee and pull yer telescope to yer eye.
>The beast seems to be on trajectory aaaaaand...
>*KSSSSSSSHLACK!*
“Bullseye! GAHAHA! Perfect shot first mate Dar'sh!”
>Ye pat the rainbow maned hotshot's back.
>Butterbeard's vessel starts to plummet in a puff of milk and smoke, her screams fill the air.
“Fine work, fine work. Now, if'n I remember correctly, I owe ye the tale of Butterbeard and I's feud.”
>The lad nods as yer navigator and first mate walk to the helm, eager to rehear the story of how ye and the two mares came to form the most dastardly trio of the skies.
>Ye pull out a barrel to seat yerself when your navigator pulls yer attention.
>”Captain! Supply ship to port!”
2/?
>Ye pull yer telescope up and see her target.
>An airship, piloted by a hot pink mare with a cherry cutie mark. Mmm, hot pink is right, the plot on this saucy scrumpet be large enough to make even the gayest of seamen hard as diamond.
“The tale will have to wait lad, we have a job to do!”
>Ye take the helm and reposition to intercept the lone ship.
“Ponka, how are we for weapons?”
>She pulls out a clipboard and scans it for a moment.
>”Sir! We are nearly out of animals, but have plenty of actual weapons, sir!”
>Ye sigh and rub yer chin.
“Well, back to basics for now then. N-*Cough, COUGH* Gah, fuck. Doing this pirate accent is murder on my throat.”
>You clear your throat.
“As I was saying, back to basics then. Ye know the drill everpony! Rape, pillage, and plunder!”
>Dar'sh is now handing out blades, actual blades.
“All right, steady, steady... Rape!”
>Yer ship slams against the lone vessel and ye crew boards it.
>Ye be taking a drag from the 'fancy stallions' pipe ye pilfered from the mare.
“Arrrrr, Dar'sh, I sometimes forget exactly why ye be first mate; but ye always remind me.
>Dar'sh be laying on her back, a smile only the joy of a rape gone right can bring.
>The pink mare be passed out, glazed in a mixture of ye and Dar'sh's seed.
>”Captain! You will never guess what we found below deck!”
>Ponka be yelling for ye.
“What be it navigator?”
>”Animals! Otters, pigs, squirrels, even a bull!”
>Haha! The powers that be must be smilin' on ye today.
“A fine haul Ponka! Thar be anything else?”
>”Yes sir! There's a whole half-cellar's worth of wine down here!”
“Half navigator?”
>Ye stand to aid yer cabin boy and navigator with loading the haul, but ye be distracted by the wench.
>”Get... back here... I'm gonna beat your asshole inside itself...”
>A cute effort, but cute only works for fillies and puppies, neither of which she be.
“Ye mean like Dar'sh and I did to ye?”
3/?
>Dar'sh guffaws and smacks the wench's posterior.
>”N... No... Like me shoving my hoof so far up your ass I will be able to tickle your nose!”
>She be a feisty one, spouting threats and struggling the whole time. Ye and Dar'sh handled the mare while the rest of ye crew pilfered all above deck. Once they went below, ye and Dar'sh decided to have a long overdue field day.
“Ye were singin' a different tune naught ten minutes ago. I quote; 'Ayee! Don't ye dare stop, if ye pull out I'll tear ye balls off and feed them to a bear'. I be impressed by your tenacity wench. Tis' a shame we shan't meet again.”
>Ye and Dar'sh leave the tired and glazed mare on the vessel's deck as ye two adjourn below.
“Now then Ponka, what was it ye were... who might you be wench?”
>In front of ye thar be a purple mare, bound and drunk as a skunk.
>”I be the mare whosh shtolen wine you butt thievesh are shtealing!”
>Ye look behind the mare, thar be bottle's linin' the floor where Ponka and Pip be working to move yer haul.
“I see, ye be pilfering this ships goods before we even stepped foot and hoof aboard it, aye?”
>”Aye AYE! Thish wine ish*hic* miiiiine!”
>The wench hiccups then proceeds to spill her guts contents all over the floor.
“Hmm, tis a shame, we pirates be stealin whatever catches our fancy. Ye wine has caught our fancy, therefore we MUST steal it. Savvy?”
>The wench takes a mite before she can comprehend ye logic.
>”Well, I shuppose that*hic* ish fair. But I can't let you take muh*hic* wine wi-out a fight! Have at you!”
>The lass squirms on the floor, spreading her new coat of paint all over it. Tis a sad sight.
“Hmm, how did ye get on board lass?”
>Ye take a knee and meet the mare's gaze.
>”Shimple your hi*hic*ghness. I shnuck on, whilr the shhhip wash bein*hic* load'd and made shure not to be*hic* sheen until it wash in the air.”
>You rub yer chin.
”Just like that?”
>”Jusht like *hic* THAT!”
4/?
“Hmmm, ye be a sneaky one, ain't ye?”
>She nods and tosses another load. The smell be getting' unbearable.
>Ye crew be nearly finished moving the haul while ye converse with the mare.
“Ye do this often?”
>”Over two doshen times.”
“Hmmm, ye got guts lass. Ye ever consider bein a pirate?”
>”No, whu would I wansh that?”
>Ye stand and untie the wench.
“Pirates get all the grog thar stomachs can handle; wine, mead, spirits, if it exists. We be taking it.”
>The mare gasps and smiles.
>”Can *hic*I keep mah wine?”
“A portion, aye.”
>She salutes you and falls flat on her ass.
>”Berry Punch re*hic*porting for duly your *hic*highneshhh”
“Tis Captain Ms. Punch, not highness. Now then, ye be ready?”
>The lass pulls herself up and salutes again.
>”Aye aye Cap*hic*tain!”
>Ye nod and lead her out of the deck. Yer crew be waiting for ye near the helm, restraining the pilot.
“Crew, I am proud to introduce ye to our newest member, Miss Punch. Ponka, please come up with a clever nickname when ye can.”
>Ponka salutes ye and nods. Dar'sh scoffs and crosses her hooves
>”What can she even do? Far as I can tell she is just s drunk chump.”
>Tis true, she definitely has a problem holding her liquor. But nobody said Pirates were perfect. Besides, if she be as sneaky as ye think... Yes, she will prove quite useful.
“Dar'sh, do ye not trust me, old friend?”
>She grumbles and turns to board yer vessel.
>”I trust you Captain, but I don't trust chumps.”
>The rest of ye crew follows suit, leaving ye alone with yer new scout and the bound pilot who is coated in dry cum.
“Tis a shame we must part ways dear, but a pirate never stays longer then he be needed. Should we cross paths again, I hope to plow ye fine ass again love. Fair winds!”
>Ye lead the tipsy mare to yer vessel and board. Pulling off the battered and now barren supply ship.
>Once ye be about ten minutes away from yer crime scene, ye have Miss “Berry ye treasure” fitted for pirate swag.
“Report Navigator, how be the haul?”
>Ponka trots next to ye and salutes.
>”Sir! We made off with enough 'live' ammunition to sink a large freight ship, wine to last us for days, a few boxes of 'Fancy Stallions' pipes, and a new reconnaissance crew member.
>Ye mentally add a fine scrumpet's brown cherry to the list.
“Aye, tis a fine day to be pirates, wouldn't ye say?”
>Your whole crew joins in.
>”Aye, Captain!”
>”-Highness!”
>... Tis going to take some time to train the new blood, but ye have plenty of time before ye need to fear the possibility of
>Fucking Butterbeard.

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data

>Day Pirates in Equestria's skies
>Ye be Captain Anon, the most feared (and only) human in all the skies of Equestria!
“Ready the rabbits me hearties!”
>And ye be currently in battle with ye arch nemesis; Captain Butterbeard.
>”Rabbits are set Captain!”
>Ye first mate Rainbow Dar'sh be at the ready of ye cannon, damned are those who underestimate the power she hold.
“Fire Dar'sh!”
>*KABOOM!*
>The rabbits be flying through the sky straight towards Butterbeards weak excuse of a vessel; the S.S. Human Tucker.
>The little white rodents break through the bow of her vessel and burst out the bottom, a bloody spectacle to watch.
>”Damn you Anon! Oh, I mean, stop hurting my friends! … Please?”
>Ye be proud every moment the buttery landlubber be fuming at yer abuse of her woodland buckos.
>”Captain Anon! Dire news sir, we've run out of rabbits!”
>Your navigator Ponka Piece o' Eight hops to your side. Worried and shaking a barrel that once held legions of the furry critters.
“What?!? They be fucking for days! How'd we run out of the rodents so fast?”
>”Sir, we accidentally fired the pregnant rabbits... again, sir!”
“Gah, damnation and Sara Palin's left tit... Thar be only one course o' action available to us... Ready the cow Dar'sh! Ponka! We'll blast Butterbeard's abomination out of the sky or go down with the ship tryin'!”
>”Sir!”
>Yer two crew members rush for the galley, where yer cow be stored. Ye unhinge the hatch next to yer cannon and pull up a Mangonal catapult.
>Ye start to ready the beaut, but are interrupted by yer newest recruit.
>”Captain Anon? Sir?”
>Ye turn to face Pipsqueak, the colt who snuck aboard with yer most recent haul of donuts and rum.
“Ay Pip?”
>The colt salutes ye and looks up to yer gaze.
>”Why are we fighting Miss Fluttershy?”
1/?

“Ah-ha Pip, that tale be a fascinating one, but it'll have to wait. This catapult need be ready for when the cow arrives. I'll tell ye the yarn once we be done with the wench.”
>He nods and walks over to the edge of your vessel's railing.
>”Captain Anon, what's that?”
>You tie the bucket down and join the wee lad.
“What in Equestria she be doi- Shiver me timbers! Hit the deck lad!”
>Ye lunge at the colt and brace yerself against yer ship's deck as a dozen or so dildos fly over ye heads.
“Arrr! The wench repaired her dastardly dildo cannons! Dar'sh! We be needin' that cow NOW!”
>”We-HNNNGH! Know! But the damn thing won't budge!”
>Ponka and Dar'sh are pushing the stubborn ammunition with all their might, but the blubbery beast refuses to budge.
>Ye lift Pip and rush to the mares sides, pushing and shoving the bovine until she be near the large bucket.
“Have ye any last words before we send you off to Davey Jones locker?”
>”You're insane! All insane! Why haven't the Princesses locked you up you fuUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”
>The beast be flying through the air now.
“Haha! The Princesses!? The over fed, under walked fools have no quarter with us! Ye might as well pray for mercy from timberwolves ye fat stern.”
>Ye slap your knee and pull yer telescope to yer eye.
>The beast seems to be on trajectory aaaaaand...
>*KSSSSSSSHLACK!*
“Bullseye! GAHAHA! Perfect shot first mate Dar'sh!”
>Ye pat the rainbow maned hotshot's back.
>Butterbeard's vessel starts to plummet in a puff of milk and smoke, her screams fill the air.
“Fine work, fine work. Now, if'n I remember correctly, I owe ye the tale of Butterbeard and I's feud.”
>The lad nods as yer navigator and first mate walk to the helm, eager to rehear the story of how ye and the two mares came to form the most dastardly trio of the skies.
>Ye pull out a barrel to seat yerself when your navigator pulls yer attention.
>”Captain! Supply ship to port!”
2/?

>Ye pull yer telescope up and see her target.
>An airship, piloted by a hot pink mare with a cherry cutie mark. Mmm, hot pink is right, the plot on this saucy scrumpet be large enough to make even the gayest of seamen hard as diamond.
“The tale will have to wait lad, we have a job to do!”
>Ye take the helm and reposition to intercept the lone ship.
“Ponka, how are we for weapons?”
>She pulls out a clipboard and scans it for a moment.
>”Sir! We are nearly out of animals, but have plenty of actual weapons, sir!”
>Ye sigh and rub yer chin.
“Well, back to basics for now then. N-*Cough, COUGH* Gah, fuck. Doing this pirate accent is murder on my throat.”
>You clear your throat.
“As I was saying, back to basics then. Ye know the drill everpony! Rape, pillage, and plunder!”
>Dar'sh is now handing out blades, actual blades.
“All right, steady, steady... Rape!”
>Yer ship slams against the lone vessel and ye crew boards it.


>Ye be taking a drag from the 'fancy stallions' pipe ye pilfered from the mare.
“Arrrrr, Dar'sh, I sometimes forget exactly why ye be first mate; but ye always remind me.
>Dar'sh be laying on her back, a smile only the joy of a rape gone right can bring.
>The pink mare be passed out, glazed in a mixture of ye and Dar'sh's seed.
>”Captain! You will never guess what we found below deck!”
>Ponka be yelling for ye.
“What be it navigator?”
>”Animals! Otters, pigs, squirrels, even a bull!”
>Haha! The powers that be must be smilin' on ye today.
“A fine haul Ponka! Thar be anything else?”
>”Yes sir! There's a whole half-cellar's worth of wine down here!”
“Half navigator?”
>Ye stand to aid yer cabin boy and navigator with loading the haul, but ye be distracted by the wench.
>”Get... back here... I'm gonna beat your asshole inside itself...”
>A cute effort, but cute only works for fillies and puppies, neither of which she be.
“Ye mean like Dar'sh and I did to ye?”
3/?

>Dar'sh guffaws and smacks the wench's posterior.
>”N... No... Like me shoving my hoof so far up your ass I will be able to tickle your nose!”
>She be a feisty one, spouting threats and struggling the whole time. Ye and Dar'sh handled the mare while the rest of ye crew pilfered all above deck. Once they went below, ye and Dar'sh decided to have a long overdue field day.
“Ye were singin' a different tune naught ten minutes ago. I quote; 'Ayee! Don't ye dare stop, if ye pull out I'll tear ye balls off and feed them to a bear'. I be impressed by your tenacity wench. Tis' a shame we shan't meet again.”
>Ye and Dar'sh leave the tired and glazed mare on the vessel's deck as ye two adjourn below.
“Now then Ponka, what was it ye were... who might you be wench?”
>In front of ye thar be a purple mare, bound and drunk as a skunk.
>”I be the mare whosh shtolen wine you butt thievesh are shtealing!”
>Ye look behind the mare, thar be bottle's linin' the floor where Ponka and Pip be working to move yer haul.
“I see, ye be pilfering this ships goods before we even stepped foot and hoof aboard it, aye?”
>”Aye AYE! Thish wine ish*hic* miiiiine!”
>The wench hiccups then proceeds to spill her guts contents all over the floor.
“Hmm, tis a shame, we pirates be stealin whatever catches our fancy. Ye wine has caught our fancy, therefore we MUST steal it. Savvy?”
>The wench takes a mite before she can comprehend ye logic.
>”Well, I shuppose that*hic* ish fair. But I can't let you take muh*hic* wine wi-out a fight! Have at you!”
>The lass squirms on the floor, spreading her new coat of paint all over it. Tis a sad sight.
“Hmm, how did ye get on board lass?”
>Ye take a knee and meet the mare's gaze.
>”Shimple your hi*hic*ghness. I shnuck on, whilr the shhhip wash bein*hic* load'd and made shure not to be*hic* sheen until it wash in the air.”
>You rub yer chin.
”Just like that?”
>”Jusht like *hic* THAT!”
4/?

“Hmmm, ye be a sneaky one, ain't ye?”
>She nods and tosses another load. The smell be getting' unbearable.
>Ye crew be nearly finished moving the haul while ye converse with the mare.
“Ye do this often?”
>”Over two doshen times.”
“Hmmm, ye got guts lass. Ye ever consider bein a pirate?”
>”No, whu would I wansh that?”
>Ye stand and untie the wench.
“Pirates get all the grog thar stomachs can handle; wine, mead, spirits, if it exists. We be taking it.”
>The mare gasps and smiles.
>”Can *hic*I keep mah wine?”
“A portion, aye.”
>She salutes you and falls flat on her ass.
>”Berry Punch re*hic*porting for duly your *hic*highneshhh”
“Tis Captain Ms. Punch, not highness. Now then, ye be ready?”
>The lass pulls herself up and salutes again.
>”Aye aye Cap*hic*tain!”
>Ye nod and lead her out of the deck. Yer crew be waiting for ye near the helm, restraining the pilot.
“Crew, I am proud to introduce ye to our newest member, Miss Punch. Ponka, please come up with a clever nickname when ye can.”
>Ponka salutes ye and nods. Dar'sh scoffs and crosses her hooves
>”What can she even do? Far as I can tell she is just s drunk chump.”
>Tis true, she definitely has a problem holding her liquor. But nobody said Pirates were perfect. Besides, if she be as sneaky as ye think... Yes, she will prove quite useful.
“Dar'sh, do ye not trust me, old friend?”
>She grumbles and turns to board yer vessel.
>”I trust you Captain, but I don't trust chumps.”
>The rest of ye crew follows suit, leaving ye alone with yer new scout and the bound pilot who is coated in dry cum.
“Tis a shame we must part ways dear, but a pirate never stays longer then he be needed. Should we cross paths again, I hope to plow ye fine ass again love. Fair winds!”
>Ye lead the tipsy mare to yer vessel and board. Pulling off the battered and now barren supply ship.


>Once ye be about ten minutes away from yer crime scene, ye have Miss “Berry ye treasure” fitted for pirate swag.
“Report Navigator, how be the haul?”
>Ponka trots next to ye and salutes.
>”Sir! We made off with enough 'live' ammunition to sink a large freight ship, wine to last us for days, a few boxes of 'Fancy Stallions' pipes, and a new reconnaissance crew member.
>Ye mentally add a fine scrumpet's brown cherry to the list.
“Aye, tis a fine day to be pirates, wouldn't ye say?”
>Your whole crew joins in.
>”Aye, Captain!”
>”-Highness!”
>... Tis going to take some time to train the new blood, but ye have plenty of time before ye need to fear the possibility of
>Fucking Butterbeard.

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