Ch.3: Hares And Horseapples

>Morning broke over the campground and ponies began to stir in the first rays of light cresting over the horizon

>Cheerilee began dicing up fruit for everypony's breakfast and a fire was lit to ward off the morning chill

>The children sat clapping and singing songs around it

>"Island With A Tree On It, Island With A Tree On It, bo-Bisland With A Tree On It, banana-fana-fo-Fisland With A Tree On It! Me, mi, mo-"

>A pink filly with a sparkling tiara in her frazzled mane walked groggily up to the plum-colored teacher pony and squints at her through bleary eyes

>"Ah, good morning Diamond Tiara! Did you sleep well?"

>Diamond wiped crust from the corner of her puffy eye with a hoof

>"Mmff... Miss Cheerilee, where's the restroom?" she asked around a yawn

>"Oh, well there isn't one out here. There's a trough of water by the tents if you need to wash up and behind those bushes is a hole for you to do your business in. Just be sure to sprinkle some dirt over top when you're done."

>The filly whinnied and scrunched her muzzle "Eugh, I think I'll wait until we go back."

>"Are you sure? Remember, we won't be going back to ponyville until tomorrow afternoon," Cheerilee said as she arranged the fruit on a platter along with several large muffins

>"I'm sure I'll manage" Diamond Tiara replied with a roll of her eyes as she went to join the rest of the group

>After breakfast, Cheerilee let the foals run around and play for a bit before calling them to group into their pairs and gather around her

>Spreading a map out on the ground, she pointed her hoof to a circle scrawled in the area of the forest

>"This," she tapped the map,"is where we're camped for the duration of our stay"

>"And this," she traced a squiggly line scratched on the map up to a blue line indicating a river,"is the trail to Horsetail falls. The waterfall lies in the middle of the Maremuru river, which flows through both Whitetail Woods and the Everfree forest"

>"We'll follow the river upstream to this field, where we'll learn about the edible plants that grow wild in nature before we reach the falls"

>"Then we'll head here", she traced her hoof along another scribbled trail, "to Croup Caves where, with any luck, we'll get to see the rare auroras of the Evening-blooming Winter Bell flowers. Then we'll turn around and be back at camp in time for dinner. Any questions?"

>There were none, so she tucked away the map

>"Now I want you all to pull out you Outdoor Adventurers Club Field Guides and see how many interesting plants and birds your team can spot. Ready? Then follow me!"

>Though the field was only a short walk away, the group stopped frequently to examine interesting flora or the occasional weird bug

>Soon though, they had reached the small field separating the river from the treeline

>Aside from a mild panic when Snips and Snails had misidentified a patch of Leadwort as Poison Joke, Cheerilee was pleased with how smoothly everything had been going so far

>"Okay, my little ponies. After all that walking I'm sure you must be hungry. I though it would be fun to see what sort of food we can find growing in nature around us! Who can tell me the most important rule about eating plants you find outdoors?"

>"Ooh! Ooh! I know!", hollered Snips as he waggled a squat blue hoof in the air, "If you find it in a cow pasture, be sure to wash it off before you put it in your mouth."

>Snails nodded sagely

>"Well, I suppose I can't argue with that," Cheerilee replied "But who can give me a more general rule regarding wild edibles? Berry Pinch?"

>"Umm," the clover-pink filly tapped a hoof to her chin, "Don't eat anything that you can't positively identify?"

>"Very good! Now take a look around this field. It's full of something you'll all be very familiar with," the purple pony said as she nodded her head towards one of the many tall fuzzy stalks bobbing above the other plants in the field

>Archer leaned down and gave one of the tall grasses a sniff, "Is it...is it hay?"

>"That's right! Wild hay! Much better than the boil-in-a-bag kind your parents probably buy at the market. And I happen to know from personal experience that this is the perfect time of year for wild hay."

>She didn't actually know that from personal experience

>She had read in her Outdoor Adventurers Club Leader's Companion Book last night by the glow of her portable froggy nightlight, desperately trying to piece together a syllabus for the outing

>But it was important to maintain the image of the all-knowing teacher figure

>"I thought all food needed an earth pony to help it grow," Archer said with a quizzical frown

>"Very astute, Archer. While the plants ponies grow for food, medicine, or decoration do need the magic of an earth pony, some plants like certain grasses or shrubs can grow all on their own. Since this wild hay is actually a primitive grass, it does just fine without anypony's help."

>The students quickly began munching on their lunch of wild grasses with gusto

>All except Diamond Tiara

>Archer noticed her partner sneering down at the grass and nudged her flank with an elbow

>"Give it a try, Diamond Tiara. It's good."

>"Huh-yeeaah! Really good!" Snails chomped, his cheeks bulging with hay

>"Hmph, it could taste like it came from a five-star restaurant. That doesn't mean I want to eat it off the ground"

>Archer waved a stalk under Diamond's snout, "Come on, just a little bite? Besides, nopony brought any food up here other than some snacks and we still have a lot of hiking to do."

>"Ugh, don't remind me," Diamond said as the stalk tickled her nose, "Fiiiiiinnnnee-uh"

>She screwed her face up tight and nibbled the hay

>Archer gave her a friendly smile, "See? Not bad, huh?"

>It was very tasty, but that didn't mean Diamond Tiara was about to let everypony else know that they were right

>Everytime she was sure nopony was looking, she gobbled down as much as she could

>When the ponies where finished eating, Cheerilee gathered them around her once more

>"Next stop, Horsetail Falls! Where we'll refill our canteens and learn about local marine life, soil erosion, water's ability to refract light and much more!"

>"Oh, for Celestia's sake," Diamond whispered under her breath as she and her cheering fellow group members started up the trail

 

 

>After a mostly sleepless night, you sit by your fire waiting for the sun to rise

>Every time you had managed to get warm enough to fall asleep, your stomach would roar painfully and wake you back up

>As the first sliver of light creeps over the waterfall, you stand on creaking legs and kick dirt over your fire

>Walking down to the river's edge, you splash some of the frigid water on your face in an attempt to clear the cobwebs from your mind

>As the drops fall from your stubble, you realize that you left your canteen with your bug out bag and haven't had anything to drink in almost 24 hours

>You're thirsty, but with no way to the filter the water in the river you face the risk of getting something nasty in your system by drinking it

>Dehydration from diarrhea is the last thing you need right now

>But to climb that cliff you will need food and soon

>You take a moment to scan the water for any sign of fish, maybe a crawdad or two

>Seeing none, you dig a few holes in the mud looking for some earthworms

>They taste like blood and skin, and eating them raw always made you feel like a rabbi right after a bris, but they were full of protein

>Unfortunately you find none and, grabbing your rifle, you set off towards where you saw the rabbit tracks last night

>You scan around during your walk in search of some edible plants, hoping to find food close by to preserve as many calories as possible

>As before, there are none to be found

>You wonder why you haven't come across any other campers yet

>It is Saturday morning, surely there would be somebody out here

>You don't even care about being caught with a gun anymore, you just don't want to starve out here

>And you can always just chuck it into a bush if you spotted someone

>Why are there so many leaves still in these trees?

>Lost in thought, you come across the faded tracks in the soil

>They lead into the thicker growth ahead

>Stepping through the brush, you continue your hunt

>Breaking open your rifle, you toss aside the useless 410 shell and pop in the good one

>You're pleased to find that, after a few moments of fiddling with your multi-tool, the caked mud breaks away cleanly and gives you a usable 22 round

>Several meters further and the tracks become untraceable

>You decide to press on in the direction the tracks were pointing

>For the moment, the primal thrill of the hunt seems to have silenced the aching in your stomach

>You see squirrels scrabbling up trees too fast for you to get a good shot at them

>It seems they're on to your presence, as none of them poke their heads out from behind the branches once they scampered out of view

>There were several fat birds in the trees ahead, but every time you get within firing range they fly away

>When the hell did woodland critters get so damn crafty?

>After a mile or so of walking, you come across a narrow path cut in the brush

>It looks like a large game trail

>You pause here for a moment and weigh the pros and cons of sitting in the bushes by the trail and waiting for something bigger than a rabbit to come along

>On the one hand, a deer would give you plenty of calories

>On the other, you've never shot a deer before. Even up close, you aren't sure a 410 would make a clean kill

>You really don't have the energy to track an injured deer, beat it to death with a stick, field dress it, and drag it out to where you could cook it

>Besides, cooking that much meat at once might attract a Sasquatch and that's a can of worms you don't feel like opening

>Deciding your best bet is to sneak up on a rabbit, you continue the hunt well into the afternoon

 

 

>Beneath the mists of Horsetail falls, Cheerilee gave a short oral quiz on water's role in shaping the environment to her group of students

>Berry Pinch had answered the bulk of the questions and gave her teammate a quick hoof-bump after each correct answer

>"Well, it's good to see that your coping mechanism has had such an educational effect," Diamond Tiara said as she brushed past her, head held high

>"Huh?"

>Turning to face her with a small grin, Diamond Tiara eyed her up and down "Well, if my mother was a raging alcoholic, I'd try to spend as much time away from home as I could, too."

>With a frowning pout, the unicorn filly walked down to the water's edge and pretended to fill her canteen as tears formed in her eyes

>She felt a hoof on her withers and turned to see her team mate by her side

>Berry Pinch wiped her eyes "My mom's not an alcoholic! Lots of ponies buy her wine and say it's really good," she sniffled "Just because I like to spend time outdoors, it doesn't mean I don't love her!"

>"Dat gurl a rhaatid blabba mout', seestah. Don' pay 'er no mind."

>"I know, it's just- hey, what's that?" Pinch used her magic to tug at the odd yellow mass caught in the rushes, "Do you think it's some sort of seed pod? Or maybe a weird egg sac that a fish laid. Or, sweet Celestia, what if it's a big s-snake skin!?"

>"Das a pool toy, mon."

>"Oh. Tsk, I wish ponies would learn to pick up after themselves," Pinch said as she dropped the deflated duck ring back into the reeds, "Come on, Island With A Tree On It! We don't want to fall behind!"

>"Ja'll do know me name Piña Colada, right?"

>"Ha, you're so silly Island With A Tree On It," Berry Pinch called over her shoulder as she marched back onto the trail

>"Lorda mercy."

>The ponies left the waterfall behind for now and continued towards Croup Cave

>Trekking though the festively colored trees, the troupe came to a swath cut in the tall grasses of the forest

>Cheerilee checked her map. This new path should shave several minutes off the trip to the cave

>Good, she wanted to get back to camp before it got too dark

>"This, class, is the trail we'll follow to the cave. The creatures that live in Whitetail Woods don't build roads like we have in Ponyville. Instead, the deer or even moose that live here use the same routes to get through the forest so much that there hooves carve these lanes through the undergrowth. Have any of you ever met a deer before?"

>The foals all shook there heads

>Cheerilee wasn't surprised, deer tended to be a bit racist

>Following the grassy route as it wound through the trees, the rocky mounds containing Croup Caves soon came into view

>At the mouth of the shallow caves, wiry vines used the rocky surface as a trellis and climbed upwards

>Leafy whorls radiated from the stems and large pale flowers the color of chipped ice dangled from the centers

>"These are the world famous Evening-Blooming Winter Belles," Cheerilee said as she gestured toward the vines, "Only the most experienced ponies in the most cutting edge nurseries can cultivate them successfully. Unlike other flowers, they reproduce using spores. During the end of fall, when the sun hits them from a 55 degree angle, they release their spores in a cloud that captures the light of the sun. It looks like we still have some time before the show, so why don't you all take a look around and see what sort of neat things you can find. Just be sure to stay out of the caves."

>The pairs of foals began exploring the area as they waited for the sun to lower

>Snips and Piña Colada sat with a stack of flash cards and quizzed each other on various leaf shapes and which trees they belong to

>Snails stared disapprovingly at a slug oozing it's way up a tree

>Berry Pinch began braiding some tall grasses as Diamond Tiara sat on her haunches, head resting on a hoof and looking bored

>Cheerilee took some time to discreetly read a few chapters from her romance novel when she felt a tug on her jacket

>Looking down, she saw Archer holding lustrous shining geode

>"Here! I found it outside one of the caves and, um, I wanted you to have it."

>"Thank you, dear! It's beautiful," Cheerilee said as she placed the stone in her saddlebags

>Just then, several faint jingling sounds were heard

>"Gather around, my little ponies! The aurora is about to appear," Cheerilee called

>The fillies and colts gathered around their teacher as she distributed bags of granola and candied prunes

>As the ponies ate their snacks, the bell shaped flowers began to ring a soft melody as they released their spores

>A sparkling green cloud wafted from the flowers and into the air above the enrapt audience

>As the setting sun caught the plume of spores, it luminesced brightly and swayed with the music of the flowers

>The children of Ponyville's Outdoor Adventurers Club "Ooh" and "Aah" appreciatively

 

 

>Far below the spectacle at Croup Caves, you blunder through another thorny bush

>You "Ooh" and "Aah" painfully as you struggle to untangle yourself

>It's late in the afternoon and you still had no meat

>You had spotted a rabbit dash off in this direction a while ago out of the corner of your eye. though

>At this point, you almost want to kill one simply out of spite

>You had found two tiny overly ripe but extremely tart persimmons some ways back and immediately devoured them

>Not enough to give you the energy you need, but at least you won't die if you don't find that rabbit tonight

>Trudging further on, you can't shake the feeling that you're starting to get lost

>It's hard to keep track of landmarks with a growling stomach

>A severe blow to the head doesn't help, you think as you run a finger over the cut on your scalp

>It isn't scabbing over as well as you'd like, you want to get to your bag and smear some triple antibiotic ointment on it at the very least

>At a rustling sound to your right, your whip your head around  in time to see a puffy brown tail and hind legs bound under a row of bushes

>"Ah, Mr. Cottontail, welcome to DIE!" you shout as you chase off after your prey

>Spilling out of the brush, you find that you have circled back around to the game trail

>Excellent, now you know where you are in relation to the river

>As you look down at the grassy trail, you grin at what you see

>Fresh rabbit tracks lead south down the narrow path

>Crouching low to the ground, you cock you rifle as quietly as you can and slowly follow the tracks

>As the forest creeps past, your mouth begins to water at the thought of tearing in to some crispy barbecued rabbit legs

>Ahead, a brown blur zips across the game trail and into the growth alongside the path

>The bushes rustle for several meters before going still

>Keeping your snail's pace, you push aside branches and delve into the brush as quietly as you can

>A small embankment lay beyond and you slowly climb your way down, careful to avoid snapping any twigs underfoot

>Several tall boulders lay at the bottom and you crouch down behind one

>Ahead is a small glade filled with clover

>Quietly balancing your rifle on a flat section of the boulder, you begin to scan the clover for your target

>On the opposite edge of the glade, you see the fluffy brown hindquarters of your quarry

>Angling your gun, you take aim and wrap your hand around the lever-like trigger mechanism of the Springfield M6

>As you steady your breathing in preparation of your shot, the rabbit turns around towards your direction as it grazes on the green clover leafs

>You're struck by the state of it

>Massive black eyes sit far apart from each other

>Three perfectly spaced whiskers sprout from either side of it's oddly oblong head

>It's body seems miniscule compared to the bulbous head sat atop it

>The two long ears sit straight up like a child's drawing of a rabbit

>You've never seen a creature so grotesque in your life

>"Dayum, nigga! Your face look STOOPID, yo!"

>The rabbit bolted before you could finish giving it your opinion

>You didn't want to eat that one anyway, it's probably retarded

>Sitting back down behind your boulder, you scan the glade as dusk approaches

>This is the perfect hunting spot

>Any minute now, another tasty creature will surely come into firing range

 

 

>The sun began to kiss the horizon and evening settled in

>As the ponies made their way back to camp, they drew near the field where they had eaten lunch

>Cheerilee noticed the same grassy path that lead them to the caves was just visible beyond the edge of the field

>It looked like this deer-trail would lead right back to the clearing where they had made camp

>She consulted her map and was pleased to find that it might cut their return trip even shorter

>"With any luck, we'll be back at camp well before the light fades," she thought to herself

>"Alright, children. We're going to take a slightly different route back to camp. Stay with your partners and follow me, please"

>Some of the fillies made up little songs set to the melody that the Winter Belles had played for them as they walked along

>As the edge of their basecamp clearing came into view a quarter mile ahead, Diamond Tiara began to lag behind

>With every painful step, her bloated stomach gurgled and contracted

>The day's highly fibrous meals had caught up to her

>She needed to go

>Now

>Swallowing her pride, she stepped through the bushes to the side

>Having noticed her partner had fallen back, Archer turned around and began to follow Diamond off the trail

>The pink pony whipped her head around, "Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?"

>"We're not supposed to split up." the blue filly answered

>"I can handle this on my own, thank you very much."

>"Oh," said Archer as realization hit her,"Well, I'll just wait for you here on the trail."

>Diamond Tiara gave an exasperated sigh, "Just go ahead to camp. I'll be there soon."

>"I don't know, Diamond. That's not how the buddy system works. I"ll just-"

>Diamond Tiara moved in close to her partner and gave her a sinister grin from behind half-lidded eyes, "No, you'll go on ahead like a good little pony or I'll tell Miss Cheerilee all those things you whisper about her in your sleep."

>Archer's face grew beet red and she quickly turned toward the clearing "I-I'll just be going then"

>As the blue filly marched up the trail, Cheerilee came trotting down in the other direction after having sent the rest of the children into camp

>"Archer? Is everything alright? Why'd you stop?"

>"Everything's fine, Miss Cheerilee. Diamond Tiara just has to use the bathroom"

>An angry voice came from the bushes, "I DO NOT!"

>Stifling a chuckle behind her hoof, Cheerilee called towards the bushes, "Try not to take too long, Diamond Tiara. It's getting late. Camp is just up the path so come wash up for dinner when you're through."

>"Can't a pony get a little privacy out here?!" the voice replied

>Cheerilee turned to the filly beside her, "Come along, Archer. You can help me get dinner started."

>"Okay!" Archer replied as she bounced along happily

>Once the two were out of earshot, Diamond Tiara walked deeper into the bushes

>"This has to be the WORST way to spend a weekend," she said to herself, "Honestly, how do those losers get so excited about this stuff? 'Ooh! Let's eat our lunch from the dirt! Ooh! Let's look at this stupid waterfall! Gosh, it sure is wet! Ooh! Let's watch a bunch of smelly flowers jizz all over the pla-' Whoa! Whoooa!"

>She is sent off balance as a brown rabbit zooms past her out of a copse of trees

>Dancing from hoof to hoof, she is unable to steady herself and tumbles down the short embankment beside her

>"Ow!" she yelps as she lands in a heap against a boulder

>With a groan she pulls herself to her feet

>"Urrrgh! I HATE nature! When we get back tomorrow, I'm spending the whole afternoon in my hot tub," she declares as she squats down and lifts her tail

 

 

>The sky has gone a shade of deep purple as you sit behind your boulder

>Soon it will be too dark for you to see any rabbits that happen to come by

>You contemplate camping here for the night

>Perhaps in the morning you can find some one or two more of those persimmons and try your luck again

>You know there will be rabbits in this glade tomorrow

>Hopefully

>Maybe

>If there isn't a frost, you could at least gather some dew and quench your dry throat

>You stand and stretch your back

>Just then, a loud rustling from the embankment behind you catches your attention

>A bright colored something bounces off one of the boulders nearby

>As you hear it groan and mutter something about a hot tub, hope floods your body

>Salvation! Another person!

>You're rescued

>Squinting in the last of the fading light, you see purple and white hair with what looks like one of those shiny plastic princess tiaras

>Must be a little girl

>She appears to be wearing a pink jacket and... is that a tail?

>Pfft, kids these days with their kooky fashion accessories and cough syrup

>What ever happened to good old JNCOs or those shoes that light up in the heel?

>If there's a little girl down here, then that must mean her parents are nearby

>Best to make a good impression

>She did hit that boulder pretty hard, better see if she's okay

>You step out from your hiding spot and, keeping your barrel aimed safely in the air, approach her

>"Hey, are you alr-WHAAAAT?!"

>It's a horse

>A tiny pink horse wearing a tiara

>But you had heard it speak

>This little horse, whose face is a perfect mask of shock as it now stares at you, can talk

>The silence is broken by a rapid series of wet sounding 'PLOP's as the pink creature shits out a pile almost as tall as it is

>"Jesus, that's a lot of sh-"

>"AAAIIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

>The creature's scream frazzles your already shaky nerves and your whole body jumps, causing your gun to fire

>At the loud report of the gun, the horse rips a wet sounding fart, and scampers away over the embankment

>You just met the world's first real talking horse

>And you scared it away

>"Come back, little horse! You have to make me rich and famous!" you holler as you climb up towards the game trail

>You see what looks like a flashlight through the trees down the path ahead

>"Back, you savages! I call dibs on that magical horse!"

>With all the strength you have left, you run down the trail towards a clearing ahead

 

 

>As Cheerilee ladled soup into the bowls on the tray that Archer had laid out, the other children finished washing their hooves at the small trough in their camp

>"Archer, has Diamond Tiara come back yet?" the teacher asked

>"Not yet, Miss Cheerilee. Want me to go look for her?" the filly asked

>"No, you take these bowls to the rest of the group," Cheerilee said with a sigh, "I'll go find Diamond Tiara. Out in the very *gulp* d-dark forest."

>Cheerilee tried to think of a way to convince the students that her portable froggy nightlight was actually an Outdoor Adventurers Club Search Beacon

>Honestly, how could she overlook packing flashlights?

>"Oh, okay. You can use my lantern if you want, it's next to my tent."

>Cheerilee scooped the blue filly into a hug, "Archer, your a life saver!"

>With a big dopey grin, Archer picked up the tray and began passing out dinner

>Cheerilee trotted over to Archer's tent and retrieved the lantern

>Slipping the attached lanyard around her neck, she pressed a button on the base and a strong light flooded the dim corner of camp away from the fire

>Cheerilee noted with pleasure that it was much brighter than she'd expected

>As she turned to the narrow grassy trail leading from camp, a shrill shriek followed by a loud bang echoed through the air

>The children yelped in surprise at the sudden noise

>"All of you, stay right where you are and don't move until I get back!" Cheerilee called over her shoulder as she rushed down the trail

>Several meters ahead, Diamond Tiara burst out of the bushes and galloped towards camp as fast as her legs would carry her

>Her heart pounded in her chest and her ears rang from the horrible sound of that monster's cannon-stick

>She whimpered pitifully, mostly out of fear, but also pain

>Her pucker burned from the fast, violent voiding of her bowels

>She heard the monster call out from the trees behind her and picked up her pace

>She saw a bright light on the path in front of her and heard a familiar voice calling her name

>"Miss Cheerilee?! Help! There's a monster after me!"

>She latched onto the purple pony's leg and began dragging her towards camp, "Come ON! We have to get out of here!"

>Cheerilee trotted quickly behind her into camp, "Diamond Tiara, what happened? What was that noise? Are you alright?"

>"No! We have to leave! NOW!" the filly said as the rest of the group gathered around them

>"Everypony settle down. Diamond Tiara, you have to tell me what happened, dear" Cheerilee began ushering the colts and fillies towards the campfire

>As Diamond opened her mouth to explain, a strange voice sounded from very close on the trail

>"Wonderful horse? Where are you, my little cash cow? Don't be afraid! I won't hurt you!"

>Cheerilee whirled to aim the lantern around her neck towards the grassy trail

>"Everypony, behind me! Now!" she whispered harshly as the students cowered together at her rear

>Suddenly, the grasses on the path began to rustle as a shape took form out of the shadows

>A tall creature unlike anything Cheerilee had seen before stepped into the light, shielding it's eyes from the glare of the lantern

>It stood on two legs like a diamond dog or minotaur and had to be at least six feet tall

>The clothes it wore looked torn and muddy

>A floopy cap with a broad brim sat on it's head

>In it's paws, it held an odd metallic stick

>As the creature adjusted to the bright light, it's hungry eyes stared behind Cheerilee

>Her blood turned to ice as it spoke a single word

>"Food."