NPR

Did you try getting a job recently? I think I can help you with some questions they always ask.

>Why did you chose our company?

Are you a moron? I (and all candidates before and after me) have sent my resume to dozen of other places. Where I will find work faster and with bigger profit will be best for me.

>Why do we have to chose you of all candidates?

Seriously, do you even need employees? Well here I am. An employee. I should be picked because I'm clearly cleverer than anyone answering default bullshit on these questions. And cleverer than you as well, as I won't be asking this stupid shit in the first place.

>What is your planned wages?

2.5 million dollars cash. Why the fuck do you even ask? Obviously I want to get as much money as you can give me. But you won't give me maximum wages so shut this performance down for a second. It's my choice anyway - you tell the price and I choose if I agree on it.

>Why have you left your previous work?

I wonder if your boss employs retarded people only. Why the fuck do you care? What kind of difference does it make? You won't change shit here regardless of the answer. What will my answer even give you? First - I will lie for sure. Second - let's imagine that I won't lie: not enough money or lack of career growth, or lack of perspective, or can't live with the team, or boss's dog bit me. Now what? Do you know if I will be a good match to your team, or your boss, or his dog right away? And you won't know before you try.

>How do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years in our company?

If I will be talentless enough to stay in your company for 5 years you don't need to take me at all. As for the company... What are YOUR plans for nearest 5/10/20 years?  Can you tell which niche will your company take or if it will even exist? How do I know it if you don't know it? Also have you done drugs recently?

>Which achievements did you reach on your previous work?

Resume is not enough huh? Well then, i did my job and did it good. That is an achievement. If your employees work in a way that they do a good job only rarely - here's the deal. With right management there should be NO achievements at all. People should do their job and not run for some stupid goals or achievements.

>How do you vision your boss?

Frankly I don't want to see him at all. And i don't really care. He's a boss, all I need from him is clearly and reasonably formulated tasks. If he is riding the white pony naked in the office while doing that - it's his choice.

>What are your strong sides?

Ooooh that's another of these clever questions, isn't it. I play banjo. And can spit 15 meters long. If you need my qualification - read the fucking resume. If you want something specific - ask it. If you don't know what you want - can't help you, sorry. Formulating secret and unknown desires is a psychiatrist's job.

>What are your weak sides?

Wow, really? You think I will tell you? Suuuuure. Here goes - I don't sing very well and suck at darts. Seriously what kind of an answer do you even expect?

 

Just give the question list to the down-kid you took it from and don't offend him any more - he's having a hard time living as is. If you don't know what you need - I'm your guy, take me on the job, we are so similar. I don't have a fucking idea what you need as well!

 

 

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