- >be 2012
- >Be an old "retired" Red Army Major aged 50 years
- >You're a very depressed man
- >Ever since the Union fell you've had no purpose in life
- >You even moved to Los Ageles after hearing about how nice america was supposed to be
- >It's bullshit
- >It's worse here as it was there
- >You have no money, no job, and spent all of your welfare checks on liquor
- >Your day consisted of sitting in your armchair drinking and staring at the wall
- >You wish it could be like the good old days
- >Jus tyou, you're comrades
- >and all the Chechens you could crush under you're tank treads
- >But because of that bastard Gorbachev you're stuck in this hell
- >Might as well see whats on T.V. in hell
- >If it's one thing these capitalist pigs got right it was television
- >something to provide background noise when you're passed out drunk
- >fucking genius
- >you flip through the channels and just find you're run of the mill tuesday night drivel
- >you finaly get to the local news station
- >some story of some guy who got killed at the local dump
- >serves him right for not throwing his trash in the river
- >"In soviet union we had no dump fatalites!" you yell at the television
- >Soviet 1 american 0
- >hold on, he was killed by what?
- >you look on in confusion
- >these horse creatures look like fuzzy gerbils
- >they call them fluffy ponies
- >apperantly these things were some kind of biological toy
- >these fucking americans
- >these things breed like filthy latvians as well
- >you sit back and watch the whole 1 hour report
- >it was a fairly in depth descrpition of these fluffies as they are called
- >two things caught your grizzled russian eyes though
- >one: these things build herds and advance pecking orders with "smarty Friends" as leaders
- >two: these things are easily mislead
- >to the point that a man in a mask can trick them into thinking HE was one of them
- >A fire sparks in your soul
- >you grab you're best clothes and head to the dump straight away
- >You're going job hunting
- >the dump is'nt that far of a drive from your shitty apartment
- >you walk to the foreman's shack and poke you're head in
- >you see a strange man sitting at a desk petting an orange fluffy pony
- >You put on you're nicest smile and speak out in you're best english
- >"hello sir, I am here to see if have job for myself"
- >god damn that sounded far better in your head
- >the man looks up and reguards you with a quiet stare
- >his eyes perk up as he looks you over
- >"Can you drive a bulldozer" he says
- >"I can drive tank, not too unsimilar"
- >"you're hired" he says
- >"you start tomorrow, 6am sharp, I have aspecial job for you"
- >he smiled as he said that, you did'nt like that smile
- >you turn around and walk out after filling out a few forms
- >you're one step closer to your true goal though
- >and you've got an income now so all around this was good
- >on you're way home you stop at the local costume shop
- >you only buy one item
- >A plastic fluffy pony mask
- >a dreadful looking thing to one such as yourself
- >why americans subject themselves to the horrors of halloween you do not know
- >you return home to more cheap vodka
- >but tonight you prepare
- >you grab your old BDUs and try them on
- >they still fit perfectly
- >you sleep well that night
- >The next morning you arrive at 6:30 like a good communist
- >That strange foreman unlocks the gate for you
- >he notices your dressed in Your glorious uniform
- >"what's with the getup" he asks
- "Hard clothes for hard job"
- >"Riiiight" he says smirking
- >he hands you a bag and a peice of sharpened rebar
- "and what is this for" you say
- >protection, some of these fluffies are nasty vermin, they've killed two men before
- >the thought of fending off a wave of fluffies brings joy to your cold soviet heart
- >just like afghanistan
- >you take the rebar and the man shows you your duties
- >you are to patrol the dump looking for salvage
- >this guy may be wierd but he thinks like a good comunist
- >you could get used to this
- >besides this gives you a chance to achieve your true goal
- >to build trhe greatest fluffy army in the history of their feeble history
- >you will sculpt their society into a glorious communist paradise
- >right under the nose of that foreman
- >if all of this rumor is true as well you will have no problem eliminating him
- >then you will be foreman and the dump will be your battleground
- >and you will have purpose again
- >you don your fluffy mask as you make your rounds
- >hopefully you'll bump into some fluffies
- >and undercover recon is a must if you're to rule here
- >you walk not but 15 minutes when an ear peircing voice is heard
- >it sounds a lot like your niece actually
- >you walk in the direction of the voice
- >you crest a hill of trash gloriously and come upon a strange sight
- >at least 20 fluffies are fighting with each other
- >over what seems to be a split open rotten pumpkin
- >ugh, pumpkin the bougorioues of fruits
- >the fluffies all stop and stare at you
- >you realixze that with the maskm on you look like the biggest fluffy they've ever seen
- >it's like the time you met a beleorussian named strelnikov, fucking enormous guy
- >you gaze at them with steely calculating eyes
- >suddenly one of trhem speaks to you
- >"smawty gif big fwuffy nummies if fwuffy hewp get nummies"
- >Filthy capitalist tried to buy you! You!
- >this will not stand!
- >you bound up to the smarty freind, who looks on in horror
- >you reach him in 3 steps
- >and crush his pathetic skull under your rightious red bootheel
- >you then turn to the other fluffies
- >they look on in shock unable to move quite yet
- >now's the time before they start freaking out
- >you try your best impression of a fluffy
- "Fwends! I am new smawty I get good nummies for aww fwuffies!"
- >ow, it actually hurts to talk like that, plus you sound like an idiot
- >a mummur of garbeled english goes through the ranks of fluffies
- >then a green unicorn with a yellow mane steps out in front of you
- >I smawty, yoo no smawty yoo dumb fwuffy we gif big owwies if yoo no weave
- >the fluffies standing behind him give out a euphoric cheer
- >you just smirk under your mask
- >he couldn't hope to challenge a true soviet
- >you give it too the bastard though he leads his men well
- >he points and shouts and they all charge you
- >you stand there as their attack crashes upon your legs
- >you are a stonewall, like the defenders of stalingrad
- >and like those men their attack only strengthans your resolve
- >you bring the furious might of the union down upon the smarty freind
- >you sorta just lean over and punch him full force into an old washing machine
- >this ceases all hostilities form the fluffy force attacking your boots
- >you casually stroll past them andover to the smarty freind
- >he's sobbing and asking pathetically for hugs to make his "owwies" go away
- >you reguard him with a mixture of respect and disgust
- >he was brave but his bravery was shallow
- >in death he was a coward
- >he looks up at you with tears in his eyes
- >you look upon the fluffies that stand before you
- >the view you with awe, a mixture of fear and reverance
- >you then call out to them
- "fwends dis fwuffy is weak"
- >the other fluffies look at the sniviling smarty
- >then back to you
- "fwuffies can't have weak smawty, he won't hewp fwuffies get nummies
- >the fluffies seem to nod along in agreement
- >perfect
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Soviet Smarty 1
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