Title:           Soviet Smarty 1
Author:          Sovietanon
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/zZuNzdmT
First Edit:      Saturday 9th of June 2012 11:51:33 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 9th of June 2012 11:51:33 PM CDT

>be 2012
>Be an old "retired" Red Army Major aged 50 years
>You're a very depressed man
>Ever since the Union fell you've had no purpose in life
>You even moved to Los Ageles after hearing about how nice america was supposed to be
>It's bullshit
>It's worse here as it was there
>You have no money, no job, and spent all of your welfare checks on liquor
>Your day consisted of sitting in your armchair drinking and staring at the wall
>You wish it could be like the good old days
>Jus tyou, you're comrades
>and all the Chechens you could crush under you're tank treads
>But because of that bastard Gorbachev you're stuck in this hell
>Might as well see whats on T.V. in hell
>If it's one thing these capitalist pigs got right it was television
>something to provide background noise when you're passed out drunk
>fucking genius
>you flip through the channels and just find you're run of the mill tuesday night drivel
>you finaly get to the local news station
>some story of some guy who got killed at the local dump
>serves him right for not throwing his trash in the river
>"In soviet union we had no dump fatalites!" you yell at the television
>Soviet 1 american 0
>hold on, he was killed by what?
>you look on in confusion
>these horse creatures look like fuzzy gerbils
>they call them fluffy ponies
>apperantly these things were some kind of biological toy
>these fucking americans
>these things breed like filthy latvians as well
>you sit back and watch the whole 1 hour report
>it was a fairly in depth descrpition of these fluffies as they are called
>two things caught your grizzled russian eyes though
>one: these things build herds and advance pecking orders with "smarty Friends" as leaders
>two: these things are easily mislead
>to the point that a man in a mask can trick them into thinking HE was one of them
>A fire sparks in your soul
>you grab you're best clothes and head to the dump straight away
>You're going job hunting
 
 
 
>the dump is'nt that far of a drive from your shitty apartment
>you walk to the foreman's shack and poke you're head in
>you see a strange man sitting at a desk petting an orange fluffy pony
>You put on you're nicest smile and speak out in you're best english
>"hello sir, I am here to see if have job for myself"
>god damn that sounded far better in your head
>the man looks up and reguards you with a quiet stare
>his eyes perk up as he looks you over
>"Can you drive a bulldozer" he says
>"I can drive tank, not too unsimilar"
>"you're hired" he says
>"you start tomorrow, 6am sharp, I have aspecial job for you"
>he smiled as he said that, you did'nt like that smile
>you turn around and walk out after filling out a few forms
>you're one step closer to your true goal though
>and you've got an income now so all around this was good
>on you're way home you stop at the local costume shop
>you only buy one item
>A plastic fluffy pony mask
>a dreadful looking thing to one such as yourself
>why americans subject themselves to the horrors of halloween you do not know
>you return home to more cheap vodka
>but tonight you prepare
>you grab your old BDUs and try them on
>they still fit perfectly
>you sleep well that night
 
>The next morning you arrive at 6:30 like a good communist
>That strange foreman unlocks the gate for you
>he notices your dressed in Your glorious uniform
>"what's with the getup" he asks
"Hard clothes for hard job"
>"Riiiight" he says smirking
>he hands you a bag and a peice of sharpened rebar
"and what is this for" you say
>protection, some of these fluffies are nasty vermin, they've killed two men before
>the thought of fending off a wave of fluffies brings joy to your cold soviet heart
>just like afghanistan
>you take the rebar and the man shows you your duties
>you are to patrol the dump looking for salvage
>this guy may be wierd but he thinks like a good comunist
>you could get used to this
>besides this gives you a chance to achieve your true goal
>to build trhe greatest fluffy army in the history of their feeble history
>you will sculpt their society into a glorious communist paradise
>right under the nose of that foreman
>if all of this rumor is true as well you will have no problem eliminating him
>then you will be foreman and the dump will be your battleground
>and you will have purpose again
 
>you don your fluffy mask as you make your rounds
>hopefully you'll bump into some fluffies
>and undercover recon is a must if you're to rule here
>you walk not but 15 minutes when an ear peircing voice is heard
>it sounds a lot like your niece actually
>you walk in the direction of the voice
>you crest a hill of trash gloriously and come upon a strange sight
>at least 20 fluffies are fighting with each other
>over what seems to be a split open rotten pumpkin
>ugh, pumpkin the bougorioues of fruits
>the fluffies all stop and stare at you
>you realixze that with the maskm on you look like the biggest fluffy they've ever seen
>it's like the time you met a beleorussian named strelnikov, fucking enormous guy
>you gaze at them with steely calculating eyes
>suddenly one of trhem speaks to you
>"smawty gif big fwuffy nummies if fwuffy hewp get nummies"
>Filthy capitalist tried to buy you! You!
>this will not stand!
 
>you bound up to the smarty freind, who looks on in horror
>you reach him in 3 steps
>and crush his pathetic skull under your rightious red bootheel
>you then turn to the other fluffies
>they look on in shock unable to move quite yet
>now's the time before they start freaking out
>you try your best impression of a fluffy
"Fwends! I am new smawty I get good nummies for aww fwuffies!"
>ow, it actually hurts to talk like that, plus you sound like an idiot
>a mummur of garbeled english goes through the ranks of fluffies
>then a green unicorn with a yellow mane steps out in front of you
>I smawty, yoo no smawty yoo dumb fwuffy we gif big owwies if yoo no weave
>the fluffies standing behind him give out a euphoric cheer
>you just smirk under your mask
>he couldn't hope to challenge a true soviet
>you give it too the bastard though he leads his men well
>he points and shouts and they all charge you
>you stand there as their attack crashes upon your legs
>you are a stonewall, like the defenders of stalingrad
>and like those men their attack only strengthans your resolve
 
>you bring the furious might of the union down upon the smarty freind
>you sorta just lean over and punch him full force into an old washing machine
>this ceases all hostilities form the fluffy force attacking your boots
>you casually stroll past them andover to the smarty freind
>he's sobbing and asking pathetically for hugs to make his "owwies" go away
>you reguard him with a mixture of respect and disgust
>he was brave but his bravery was shallow
>in death he was a coward
>he looks up at you with tears in his eyes
>you look upon the fluffies that stand before you
>the view you with awe, a mixture of fear and reverance
>you then call out to them
"fwends dis fwuffy is weak"
>the other fluffies look at the sniviling smarty
>then back to you
"fwuffies can't have weak smawty, he won't hewp fwuffies get nummies
>the fluffies seem to nod along in agreement
>perfect