Call of Duty: Black ops (a review)

Could somebody, please, invade America? I know it’s not exactly prime real staying, can only produce corn and shitty TV. But somebody really needs to help them blow off some steam. It’s hard not to look at all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded about fan fiction. America is a fat, teenage virgin, lying on her front on her bed, staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and un-crossing her ankles, and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet eastern European boy down the road.

Then the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice:

“What this girl needs is a good hard dicking.” So come on, Russia, take the hint. World War 3, let’s do it. Yeah, lots of people will die but it’s not like the human race couldn’t use a bit of a thinning now and then. What about you, China? You’ve got loads of people to spare, you selfish bastards. I say: Ram a few of them up America’s rancid, hairy fun hole and maybe she can learn how to act like a grown-up… and cum like an howler monkey.

Anyway, so I played another one of America’s virginal howler monkey sex fantasy, “Call of Duty: Black ops”. Which is another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go “Phowar, eh?”

This time with a bit of a heavy Manchurian Candidate influence, but don’t worry, it’s not so heavy that it’s get in the way of the shooting foreigners. You mostly play Aryan superman Alex Mason, not to be confused with Alec Mason, the protagonist of Red Faction: Guerilla. Are there so few white Anglo-Saxon tough guy hero names in the world that you have you have to start recycling? I can think of loads at the top of my head, like “Gabriel Stone” “Dirk Action” or “John Fist”.

Anyway, Blake Shrapnel (Alex) has been strapped to a chair and is being tortured for information by shadowy figures who want to know the truth behind a string of mysterious numbers that like the Inspector Gadget theme tune he just can’t get out of his head.  

This sends him in to various flashbacks of past missions to form a framing device for all the action, events rattle undisciplined back and forth through time, from the Bay of Pigs invasion to the Vietnam War to an interview with JFK being played by somebody doing an absurd comedy JFK impression; and there are many moments when I just want to yell “Time Out” and demand someone explain what the fuck’s going on before another thing explodes.

  Because the thing about all the Call of Duty games I’ve played lately is that they all seemed to be hooked up to IV-drips full of pop rocks. Black ops just can’t calm the fuck down; if 5 seconds have passed without a gunshot or an explosion then it’s probably because you just passed out from an epileptic fit. The game is like a nagging spouse, slapping you around the back of the head every 5 seconds.

“Go there, keep running! Take cover! Not there! You’re getting shot! There, shoot that guy! Not him, he’s on your side! Can’t you tell he’s wearing a slightly different hat? Quick, pick up that grenade and throw it back! I don’t know, over there somewhere! *boom* Oh, there, see? If you’d thrown it sooner, that wouldn’t have happened you stupid cunt.”

You only get a break on the loading screens which will generally helpfully remind you that grenades explode and you should probably avoid getting exploded in the future.

I know there are some potential fans you work with, who can’t watch a 15 second shampoo advert unless you flash some titties halfway through, Treyarch. But there is such a thing as juxtaposition. If the action never lets up we’ve got no point of comparison and it’s too overwhelming to focus on. I played through a lot of this game in a trance, writing this review I had to think really hard to recall where the first mission took place, and I only know it was Cuba because I remembered Fidel Castro showing up, twirling his moustache like Snarly Whiplash.

So what does the term “Black Ops” evoke in your mind?

Espionage; darkened meetings in smoky car parks; exchanging a package with another spy in a public place by awkwardly pretending to make out, and most importantly deniability. It occurs to me that the American government would have considerable difficulties denying the things that go on in Black Ops.

“What’s that, Vladimir? No no , that fleet of American aircraft carriers were just in that particular bit of ocean for a volleyball tournament and to take some photos for a navy recruitment booklet. No I can’t imagine how one of your battleships in the exact same area could have gotten riddled with bullets. Although, now that I come to think about it I do remember hearing what could have been minigun fire, but at the time I thought it was just someone playing squash very very enthusiastically.”

It’s disappointing because the title lead me to expect a bit of sneaky snake stealth gameplay to break up the testosterone overload but apparently the only thing black about these ops are the spent shell casings. Modern Warfare one had more stealth than this, and let me remind you that that was the game where a nuke goes off in your face. Now that’s what I call juxtaposition.

Well since we are looking for something different I guess I should mention that the game comes with a zombie mini game. Because after Call of Duty: World at War and that upcoming red dead redemption DLC apparently everything has to move to some sort of zombie singularity by law.

You fight of waves of the undead, barricading their entry points and opening up more of the map while the game constantly nags you to turn on the power, without thinking to give any hint on how exactly one does such a thing. But I have to admit that it’s kind of fun. Play with a friend and get them to tell you when zombies are breaking in 2 rooms away because there’s no other fucking way to tell. See? I can give constructive criticism, also, why are the zombies wearing party hats?

But, getting back to what I hesitantly call the serious aspect of Black Ops. It’s not just disorientating, it’s a bit disquieting too. Why does my character put broken glass in the mouth of a helpless prisoner? I don’t think he’d find that very tasty… GYAAH bugger my bridges, that was uncalled for. Who were the good guys in this campaign again? The weird thing is that the character later joins your party after he’s done spitting up blood and bits of mouth. I guess that’s one working relationship that’s off to an awkward start.

Tellingly the game features the Vietnam war and the Bay of Pigs invasion, both for the longest time avoided by video games because the United States went into them for slightly cunty, unheroic reasons. But I guess Black Ops went to “stop giving a shit”. I guess we’re hankering for another decent war so much that we no longer care whether we are the good guys or not.

So that’s why I say “let’s just do it”. Don’t need a reason, just call up eastern Europe and say “Maybe we can do the genocide thing this time” and then everyone can line up in the Sahara desert with their latest weapons tech and just get it out of their system. Perhaps Switzerland can be persuaded to blow the starting whistle.