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The Smut Thread Greentexts

By: SmutArchiveAnon on Oct 13th, 2013 | syntax: None | size: 39.68 KB | hits: 347 | expires: Never

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Halloween in Commorragh
>"Alright! Lelith gave me PCP!"
>"I have a tablet of acid!"
>"I have some speed!"
>"Aww, I just got cocai-"
>"NANANANANA!"
>*a sudden tear in reality as Doomrider literally steals drugs from Dark Eldar children.*
>charlie brown in the back
>"I got a crack rock."
A Trip to the Mall
>Mom, Dad! I'm back from the mall!
>Did you have a fun time, Lofn?
>Yeah, it was great!
>Anything interesting happen?
>Yep, I ran into aunty Macha and Lelith at the video store!
>Dear gods, no!
>Oh, don't worry mom. They didn't show me anything weird.
>...okay.
>We went to the food court, and the arcade, and the tattoo parlor!
>You got a tattoo?!
>No, mom. I'm not stupid. Aunty Macha got one.
>Hmm...
>What's a "tramp stamp?"
>None of your damn business.
>Anyway, she got a tattoo, but -I- got a piercing.
*Taldeer snatches her daughter by the ears and scans them closely*
>Lofn, dear, don't scare me like that.
>Come on, mom. Why would I get my ears pierced.
>Yes, you're far to young for that.
>Aunty Lelith said lower is better, anyway.
>Secondary Asset, have you seen my rifle?
>Yeah, mom said she needed to borrow it to go slay a couple of daemons.
>That is nice.
>Hey dad, wanna see my new piercing?
So much for the Anniversary
> "Lofn, honey. It's time for you to get up!"
> "..."
> "Where did she run off to? Oh, LIIVI! There you are! Have you seen Lofn?"
> "Affirmative. Secondary Asset prepared breakfast for me an hour ago."
> "...But...It's our anniversary..."
> "Apologies. Vinidicare Training does not include marital information."
> "...Hmph...Just make sure you're ready for our *special* night, mkay?"
*Later that night...*
> "...Now bring that big old rifle over here so I can maintain it properly...I've been a *bad* girl..."
> "MMMOOOMMMM!! DAAAADDD!!!!"
> "For Isha's sake....WHAT?!"
> "I had a nightmare..."
> "..."
> "And I'm scared to go back to sleep..."
> "That is alright Secondary Asset, you may sleep with us. "
> "Yay~!"
> "...Does she *have* to sleep in-between us?"
A Kiss for Good Luck
>Secondary Asset.
>Yeah, dad?
>Primary Asset wishes for me to kiss you before I return to work.
>No.
>Lofn, don't be rude. Kiss your father goodbye.
>Not until he brushes his teeth.
>This one has already done so.
>No you haven't I can see some grit in between your teeth!
>What grit, Secondary Asset?
>Right there, that stringy bit...
>...
>Oh. My. Gods.
*Lofn runs out of the house.*
>Primary Asset. Something seems to be wrong with Secondary Asset.
>Come here.
>Affirmative.
>Open your mouth... Oh, Isha help me.
>Primary Asset?
>You've got hair in your mouth!
>It seems I do.
>No wonder she wanted you to brush.
>There was no need, Primary Asset.
>Come again?
>I have already thoroughly flossed.
Duel to the Death
>Macha, we both knew this day would come.
>Indeed, Lelith. Lofn isn't big enough for the both of us.
>Let this be our final battle.
>And our greatest. Now, choose your weapon, wych.
>Then I will take these two, of the throwing variety.
>Clever, their angular sides will give you plenty of control.
>And the rough surface will let you know, without a doubt, when I have hit you, Farseer.
>Then I choose the mighty dakimakura. It is large enough to to absorb the impacts of your weapons and still allow me to batter you into submission.
>I should have expected something like this from you, but...
>But what, FIEND?
>...is that the mon'keigh Emperor on the front?
>Err... yes, well. Um. It wouldn't be a dakimakura without a noble image applied to it.
>You sleep with it, don't you.
>...
>Don't you?
>...yes. But it is still a mighty weapon!
>Can you even swing that hard enough to hit me?
>The silk will lend me speed!
>My velvet will cripple you!
>For Isha's sake, you two! If you're going to pillow fight, at least put some undies on!
>Lofn, your aunt Lelith and I have our ways.
>Yes, don't interfere, young one. Just watch, and learn.
*Down the hall, in Taldeer's apartment*
>LIVII!
>Yes, Primary Asset?
>Have you seen my good throw pillows?
>Affirmative. The whore wych claimed she needed them to slay a daemon.
>...
>...
>Where the hell is Lofn?
Hunting For Trouble
>Aunty Macha, what are we doing out here?
>Ssh, you have to keep quiet.
>Fine, but what are we doing?
>Your aunt Lelith and I thought it was about time you went hunting.
>Hunting? I don't want to kill some poor, dumb animal!
>Kill? Lofn, you have the strangest tastes. Oh, look, there's aunt Lelith now!
>Why is she standing out in the open where those mon'keigh can see her?
>I said shush.
>...
>...
>Oh, so THAT'S what the net was for.
>Yep.
>Does she really need to use so much rope?
>No.
>You're both so weird.
>You'll get used to it. Now pick one out for yourself.
>But I don't wanna!
>Pick one, Lofn.
>Fine, I want the one with the black hat and coat.
>Oh, kinky. Here take this.
>I don't want a gun!
>It's your first time, so you need a handicap. Besides, the darts'll just put him to sleep.
>Fine.
>...
>...
>...
>Does aunty Lelith have to do that out here?
>Well, she has these... urges.
>I hate both of you so much.
The Talk
>Lofn, dear. I think it's time we... had a talk.
>Mom, I don't understand.
>Oh, sweety, I know this may be hard for you, but it's something you need to...
>The anus plays no part in sexual reproduction.
>Err, what?
>And vibrating plastic dicks can't possibly increase fertilization.
>Lofn, Isha help me, what are you talking about?!
>AUNTY MACHA SHOWED ME YOUR SPECIAL DRAWER!
>Oh. Oh, dear.
>I even saw the "conception" video.
>But we didn't make a...
>Aunty did.
>...
>I can't believe you BOTH used the beads.
>Lofn, go to your room.
>I have that special light. I know what you've been doing in there when I'm gone.
>Maybe you should visit your grandfather for a few days until you can calm down...
>AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
>Primary Asset, this one wonders what the commotion is all about.
>DAAAAAD! Put some pants on.
Family Reunion, Part 1
> "Thank you all for coming. Now I know that tensions are high..."
> "HIGH?! YOU CALL THREATENING TO FLAY ME ALIVE HIGH?!"
> "Is she *always* like this? It's a miracle that adorable Lofn didn't inherit her mother's attitude."
> "I know Lelith, isn't that girl simply adorable? Speaking of which, who's that little one you brought along?"
> Lelith blushes
> "Can you keep a secret, my second cousin twice removed Macha?"
> "Uh, duh. I'm a Farseer after all."
> "That's...my child, T'riss.
> "Ooooo! And who's the lucky guy?"
*Lelith blushes and refuses to say anything more*
Family Reunion, Part 2
>"One time, I snuck into mom's bedroom and saw her just sitting there with dad...HOLDING HANDS!"
>"That's nothing. One time I walked in on my dad sodomizing my mom while biting her ears and calling her a 'xenos slut' as he slapped her ass."
>"We call those 'Wednesdays'."
>"Oh yeah, and Aunty Macha was spying on the whole thing."
>"You too?! Where does she even get the time..."
The Really Odd Couple
> "Alright, you damned cultist. If you're going to 'kaptoor me fhor kay-oss,' you'd better do it right. Use that strap-on there in the box."
> "Hyu arrr a hweeerd won, harrrlequinn..."
*Cultist-chan obtains a strap-on dildo +2*
> "Hallrite, heear hy comme!"
> *Honk*
> "...hwyyy iz..."
> "Don't worry, it's supposed to do that"
> "...eeff hyu saae zo!"
[Honking Intensifies]
How Does She Do That?
>"Superior. Eldar. Seed."
>"That doesn't make it any easier to clean up, though."
>"From my Spear. Of. Twilight."
>"Also, just because I happen to like it up the rear doesn't mean you get to keep making that joke.
> "Besides, his 'spear' is nothing compared to a certain person's plasma pistol."
> "Farseer Macha? What in Isha's name are you doing here?!"
> "Oh, you know me. Wherever there is Lewd, I will be there. Wherever there is an Eldar taking it up the rear, I will be there. Wherever..."
> "...Friend of yours?'
> "Gods no."
> "WHEREVER THERE IS A CHOIR BOY THAT NEEDS TENDER LOVE AND CARE, I WILL BE THERE!"
It May Be A Hole, But There's No Glory Here
> "Thanks for taking me to work for 'Bring your Child' to work day, Mom!"
> "You have to learn how to be a proper Farseer at some point, might as well start somewhere. Your father is good with weaponry, but he lacks the..."
> "Umm... not to interrupt, but where's the bathroom? I kinda need to..."
> "Oh, sure. Down the hall, third door on the right."
> "Thanks."
> ...
> "Ahhh... much better...Wait, why is there a hole here?"
> "Liiiiccckkkkk meeeee~ You know you want to, you dirty girl~"
> "AUNTY?!"
> "LOFN?!"
> "TALDEER!"
Nursing It
> "All right dearies, gather round~ Nurse Mach...Marien is here to make sure you're all in good health."
> "Umm... Ms. Marien, why are your ears bigger than normal?"
> "Oh don't mind that. It's just a silly little side effect of a nasty flu I picked up. Nothing to worry about though!"
> "And why did you knock out Sister Fera?"
> "She needed her rest. Nasty bit of Grox Rot. Now, enough questions. Remove your clothes and present your plasma pistols for inspection."
*Sister Fera wakes up*
> "Ugh...Emperor my head...what in the ever loving..."
> "Yes! YES~! Shower your precious nurse with your hot plasma!"
> "...I'm going to need two chainswords for this."
On Vacation
>LIIVI, I think we need to go on a vacation.
>Why do you say that, Primary Asset?
>Lofn has been getting more and more erratic these days, and I think it would do her some good to get away from my family for a while.
>That seems reasonable. I would not want for Secondary Asset to become psychologically damaged.
>I just don't know where we could go...
>I have some family on Terra we could visit.
>Terra? Really?
>Affirmative. My cousin's apartment has a very nice view of the Palace, according to her briefings.
>That sounds perfect! I'll go tell Lofn to pack and you call this cousin of yours.
*Some time later, on Terra*
>Yes, yes, yes! Ream my ass with your dick!
>As you command, Primary Personnel.
>Fuck, no. You did it wrong. He always says "Primary ASSET."
>Big words coming from someone with a polymorphine dick in their primary ASSet.
>Just keep going.
>Affirmative.
*Phone rings*
>Yeah? Oh, hi LIIVI. You're coming to stay for a few days? Excellent, I'll get the spare room ready.
>Who was that?
>My cousin and your sister.
>Oh, this will be awkward.
>Macha! Callidus! Either of you want a vodka?
>Those are my beers, Lelith. And stop calling me Callidus, I have a name.
>I don't care. Now turn back into the Emperor. I've got a new strapon I want to try and double teaming Macha is just what the doctor ordered.
>Oh, that sounds lovely.
>I swear, if you two weren't helping me to pay rent, I'd kick you our right now
>Whatever, you know you love it. Now hold her down.
Paging Dr. Freud...
>Aunty Callidus?
>Technically I'm your second cousin. And don't call me Callidus.
>Can I call you aunty anyway?
>Sure. Whatever.
>Thank you. It's just easier that way.
>What's up, squirt?
>Can you take me to the mall? I've never seen a human mall before.
>Sure, why not. Just wear this hat, your dad would kill me if the Inquisition got you.
>Okay!
>Well, get in the car.
>Umm...
>What now?
>Can I ask you to do something for me?
>What?
>Promise not to tell?
>I can keep a secret.
>Can you turn into daddy while we're out?
>...
>...
>...
>Is this an Eldar thing, or is your family just really fucked up?
Tactical Genius
>This has to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard, and borderline heresy as well!
>Please, general, trust Castellan Creed. He knows what he's doing.
>But holding the summit meeting on a daemon world within the Occularis Terribius?
>Totally safe from any spying.
>While disguised as... daemons?
>Lord Creed maintains a small mansion there in his "other" identity. Nothing will appear to go on there that isn't common practice.
>It's mad. Insane. I won't do it.
>That's a shame sir, the fleet master, Inquisitorial delegation and several others are already there. Your presence will be missed, and a bit conspicuous.
>...fine. But Creed had better be right about this.
>Of course he is, sir. Here's your daemonette disguise.
>That thing is...
>...rather sizeable, yes. All for the sake of authenticity.
Is it Caturday Already?
> "B...But Lacy, what if the Commissar sees us?"
> "Oh you worry too much. And even if he did, all I have to do is offer to let him pet my tail."
> "T-That doesn't...N-No! Not there!"
> "Nyaa~"
Perfectly Incompetent
> "Rumor has it you ended up making another reject, girlyman. What happened to be the Chaos God of Perfection?"
> "Shut up Bird Brain. I do not make rejects. Every single one of my daemons has a purpose. It's not my fault if you can't see it."
> "Alright, I'll bite. Why is it obsessed with cuddles?"
> "...Because I decided that it should be so, clearly."
> "Uh-huh, which is why she *just* so happened to be spawned after your little fling with Khorne..."
They say that the Eye of Terror grew three times that day.
The Perfect Crime
> "LOFN!"
> "Y-Yes Mom?"
> "WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS....THIS TRASH IN YOUR ROOM?!"
> "I don't..."
> "DID MY SISTER GIVE YOU IT? SHE DID, DIDN'T SHE!"
> "I swear, I don't know how that got there!"
*Ripper-chan cackles somewhere offscreen like Scooby-Doo*
They Grow Up So Fast
> "...Uhhhh Grandpa, you know a lot about Tyranids, right?"
> "Of course. Is something wrong with Ripper, Lofn?"
> "I think so! He's changed! A lot! I actually don't think he is a he anymore!"
> "...What do you mean?"
> "Well, look!"
> Lofn offers out Ripper, who looks like a loli-version of Lictor-Chan
> "...How long have you been hanging around your aunt and mother?"
> "A lot! They're my family after all! But what does that have to do with my Ripper?"
> "Unyuu?"
> "And why is he always trying to grope me?!"
> "..."
> "Grandpa?"
> "Let's just say you might want to cut back on the amount of sexy things you expose Ripper to. They are a rather imitative species after all."
> "...That might be hard...but I'll have to try!"
> Lofn leaves
> "...Just as planned."
All Milk-shaken up
> "PUT THE JIZZ IN THE BAG!"
> "Ma'am, it doesn't work like that. We just collect samples, freeze them, then ship them out to those who qualify for fertilization."
> "BUT HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A MILKSHAKE?!"
> "...How about you actually get laid?"
> "OH IT'S SOOOO EASY. JUST GET LAID MACHA. YEAH. I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT."
*Later*
> "Virtanen!"
> "...What?"
> Macha slams down a blender
> "I want a milkshake, and you're going to help me."
> "Oh for the love of..."
> "And it better be extra creamy. You've been eating those Pineapples, right?"
> "...The shit I do for love.
> "Virtanen!"
> "WHAT?!"
> Macha slams down a blender
> "I'm going to make you a milkshake."
> "But you JUST had one, and I'm spent."
> "No you fool. I'm going to use MY milk this time."
> "...Now this I can get behind."
Paging Dr. Freud, Part 2
> "Tell me about your father."
> "Well, he's nice. And big. And strong. I feel really safe around him."
> "Hmmm, and yet there's something about him that disturbs you."
> "Yeah...I feel really jealous any time Mom hangs around him. Like I want him to only pay attention to me."
> "I see. It is natural for a child to desire parental affection."
> "But it's more than that! I want...more..."
> "...Well it's a good thing we've got time on our hands."
> "It's like...I know it's wrong to feel this way, but I can't help it. Every time he's near I..."
> Lofn squirms on the couch, obviously embarrassed and aroused
> "It's important to realize that these desires can be perfectly normal and acceptable. The key is not to act on them or to do so in an appropriate fashion."
> "But how am I supposed to explain this to him, or even my mother?"
> "A nice calm, rational discussion might work wonders."
> "...I guess. But how am I going to tell my boyfriend I want to call him Daddy..."
> "...I don't get paid enough for this."
The Perks of Being Emprah's Girlfriend
> "Do they HAVE to follow me around?"
> "I just want you to be safe, little one."
> "But they're big, and stand out! People look at me funny..."
> "You'll get used to it. You'd be surprised how stealthy they can be some times."
> "Hmph...fine. Well, have fun back on Terra. I'll see you next week."
> They kiss and Big E GTFOs
> Lofn stares at the two Adeptus Custodes
> "So... I'm going to go watch the nastiest porn in the world now. What are you going to do about it?"
> "The Codex Custodes dictates we must 'Deal with it.'"
> "Good. Now go fetch me the whipped cream."
> "...The Codex Custodes does not support this action..."
> "What was that?"
> "At once, Milady."
The New Ranger on the Block
>Who are you and how did you get in here?!
>Relax kid, just doin' some explorin'.
>IN MY ROOM?
>My Path takes me where my Path takes me, kid.
>You're the same age as me! Stop calling me kid!
>Sure kid, whatever.
>...
>Hey, who's this guy?
>Put that down! It's a picture of dad!
>You're half mon'keigh? That explains a lot.
>Uh, yeah? So?!
>He's sure got a big gun.
>What?
>Your dad. His rifle is huge. He's really packing heat.
>Uh... yes. Yes he is.
>You should see MY dad's Spear of Twilight.
>Oh, is he some kind of-
>It's almost as long as his dick.
>Alright you two, watch closely. It helps to start by leaning forward and holding on to the back of your partner's head.
>Just watch the hair, flatseer.
>Go to hell, wych; and open your mouth.
>Aunties, I don't really feel comfortable with-
>Shut it kid, this is quality entertai- I mean "quality education".
>She's right, Lofn. You need to learn this sooner or later.
>Shouldn't you have your tongue down someone's throat, flatseer?
>That's it, you're going down!
>Save that for Lesson 2, craftworlder.
>...
>...
>...
>(whispering) I thought she said to put your hand behind their head, not between-
>She was earlier, now shush. I'm tryin' to watch.
>Where did you get that popcorn?
>I'm not sharin'.
>...
>...
>...
>And that's what we call "Exodite Style".
>Yeah, if you call that style.
>Lelith, I swear to Khaine...
>Anyway, it's time for you two to give it a try.
>Do we have to?
>Might as well, kid. Now open wide.
>No tongue, okay?
>I make no promises.
Farseerz in the Mist
>Hello /tg/, it's me Eldrad Ulthran. YEAAAAH!
>So mon-keigh? Have you missed me? Who wouldn't eh?
>It's been a long time for all of us, hasn't it eh?
>But now, I'm BAAAACK!
>Well, I instigated my own disappearance y'know.
>Spending eternity as a chaos god's plaything would be a tedious way to end your career as galaxy's biggest dick, wouldn't it.
>Yeah, well I needed somewhere isolated. People were hunting me down, warp storms were on my trail. They were cheesed off about all the dickery I had pulled the past 10 000 years.
>No one ever got hurt, well... no one I cared about anyway.
>They must've figured out it was me because the next thing I know is they tracked me down, corrupted Blackstone fortresses everywhere!
>So I needed somewhere something unique.
>So I just y'know scouted the galaxy, zipping around all over the place. I searched the webway, visited secret locations until finally I found it. I knew I had struck gold.
>The perfect safe haven. /tg/'s weekend smut thread.
>The place furthest from any type of decency you could imagine. No one would dream looking for me there, would they. You can dick around as much you want.
>It was y'know basically just a bunch of pervs messing around on /tg/. The funny thing was, that it looked idyllic from far away through the binoculars, like a fapping paradise.
>But once you got closer you could see it was just 4chan.
>You should always start with Taldeer. Taldeer's Dawn of War's greatest asset. She's an outstanding troll, looks great and an brilliant mon-keigh fucker.
>I went back to the place where I'd last seen her back in 2006, the scene of the Dark Crusade game, the crash site.
>However, there was nothing left. I did what I could, I scrapped up some of Taldeer's soulstones from the wreckage and got to work building a wraithguard version of her. It ain't the real Taldeer obviously, but y'know it's close enough for smut.
>She's /tg/'s personal scrying, love-blooming pinup girl. She can fire a pair of D-cannons right out of her tits y'know.
>What other waifu can state claims to something like that?
Mixed Signals
> "I WILL FEAST UPON YOUR ENTRAILS!"
> "That's nice honey."
> "YOU WILL COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT!"
> "Oh that reminds me, your father called. Something about your new blade being finished or something."
> "I SHALL CARVE A SWATH OF DESTRUCTION WORTHY OF HIS NAME!"
> "Glad to see you're cheering up. Now come back to bed."
> "..."
> "See? Was that so hard?"
> "...These cuddles are humiliating..."
> "And yet you keep coming back for more. You're adorably stubborn."
> "...I-It's not like I like you or anything..."
> "Mhm. Not at all."
> Cuddles ensue
> *Ring Ring*
> "Mhello? What's up sweetie?"
> "YOU WILL BE HOME IN TEN MINUTES, FOR I AM IN 'THE MOOD.'"
> "Uh-huh...But I'm kinda in the middle of something important for work and..."
> "I WILL TIE YOU DOWN TO THE BED AND FORCEFULLY DESTROY YOUR PELVIS UNTIL MY LUST IS SATED."
> "Well when you put it that way..."
> "ALSO, WE ARE OUT OF MILK."
Corruption of Champions (As written by Orks)
>YER TAKE 50 POINTS'A CORPSHUN DAMAGE
>YER FEEL A STRANGE FEELAN
>YER POINTLESS HUMIE BUM TURNS INTA FIFTY DAKKAS
Cum into my Parlor
> "My my...you look *so* adorable when you're tied up like this..."
> "Very funny, now let me go!"
> "Now why would I go and do a thing like that? I won't be able to play with you if you're able to run away..."
> "You're starting to scare me..."
> "Don't worry....let your precious Arachne take care of you..."
> Webbing gets attached to his dick, while the other end to one of her hands
> Forced Webjob
A Connoisseur of Perversion
> "'The Wraithboner?' Really? That's the best name they could come up with? ...Still, if there's a druchii running it, they might have good stuff."
> Macha goes inside, starts browsing
> "Hrmph...Boring...Lame... Most of this stuff doesn't even *work* for me anymore..."
> "Goooood Evvvening, Ms. Farseer. May I help you to locate that special Spear of Twilight you're after?"
> "Oh, so you're the idiot who thinks this chunk of wraithbone here is worth the label of 'TUBRO ANNIHILATOR'"
> "I can see you have impeccable taste. Come, let me show you our newest model, fresh from the Webway."
> "...That's a normal mon'keigh dildo."
> "Oh no! Not at all! You see, it has this little feature here that..."
> "Let me guess...it vibrates? Or maybe it starts to shock you?"
> "Well... yes... but that's the best..."
> "No, I don't think you understand. Unless I am going to be PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO WALK after using it, it's not enough."
> "...And *we're* the dark ones..."
Turning the Tables
>"Yes, LIVII...it's time to maintain your rifle. And is it me, or does it seem bigger than usual?"
>"What's the matter- you running out of ammo so soon before you can even slay the wych? I can fix that, just you wait."
>"That's it, send your turbopenetrator round right up my webway."
>"ISHA, YES! JUST A LITTLE MORE AND I'LL..."
>"And you say that I'm the perverted one."
>"MACHA?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
>"You left the door open again. Sheesh, at least I remember to keep it locked."
>"This isn't what it looks like!"
>"So you want me to believe that the puddle underneath you is just sweat? Riiight..."
>"...I can't believe I'm getting lectured about this by YOU of all people."
Talk about Endurance...
>"Finished so soon, Yriel? I thought the Spear of Twilight would strengthen you more than this."
>"Sylandri, I'm begging you. I have three other Craftworlds to save, six Imperial fleets to raid, and nine Necron Lords to troll. For the love of Isha, put your holosuit on and give my dick a rest!"
>"Oh come on, just a little while longer? I know this spot in the Webway where time goes only half as fast as it does here. Besides, Cegorach says he'll make sure you get back in time to see the new Eldar Empire!"
>"That makes me SO much more confident. Knowing you, there won't be anyone left on Iyanden when we get back."
>"Well, then we should get started repopulating it, right?"
>"...I walked right into that one."
Zen and the Art of Lasgun Maintenance
> "Bloody bugs...keeping us pinned like this..."
> "And to think, reinforcements are days away still..."
> "We're probably going to die here, aren't we?"
> "More than likely."
> "..."
> "..."
> "...Would you mind maintaining my rifle?"
> "I thought you'd never ask."
> "Well then..."
> "Wait...what's this?"
> "It's my las rifle!"
> "...fucking..."
Sisterly Love
> "Oh ho, you're so flat sis. No wonder you can't get laid."
> "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FLAT?!"
> "Flat as a board. I mean, LOOK! There's nothing here to grab!"
> "Oooh, Taldeer...I never knew you felt that way about me~ Squeeze them harder!"
> "Mom, Aunty! Where are..."
> Awkward stares all around
> "...I seriously need to get my own apartment."
Childhood Innocence? What's That?
>Welcome back. How was the council meeting?
>Tedious as ever. Did Lofn behave herself?
>I did, Mom. Macha and I watched a movie!
>What sort of movie, dear?
>I don't know- there were these two naked people climbing all over each other and they were laughing and it looked like they were having fun. Were they wrestling like you and Dad do?
>Er...just a moment dear.
>WHY DID YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SHOW MY DAUGHTER YOUR PORN COLLECTION?!
>Don't act so shocked- she needs to learn about these things eventually and I'm the best person who can teach her about them.
>Note to self: never let Macha babysit again.
>Besides, it wasn't one of MY videos. Don't want to scar the poor girl for life, right?
>Then-
>One of yours, yes.
>Isha help me.
The Talk, Part 2
>Lofn dear, can you come here for a minute?
>Sure mom, what's up?
>Listen... I know this has been a confusing time for you, what with your aunts always...
>Being Macha and Lelith?
>Yes. That. Well, I just want you to know you can always talk to me.
>I know, mom.
>Really, if you have any questions or ever just need to say something, I'll be here.
>Mom, I know.
>It's just that...
>...
>...
>Mom, what?
>I found this under your pillow, dear.
>...oh.
>Like I said, I know you're going through a lot right now and must be feeling really strange-
>You could say that.
>But it's just not safe to use this kind of thing.
>But you use 'em!
>Wha- wait, no. That's different.
>How?
>Those are actually MADE for it, this is one of your dad's bullets.
>Really, but it's so big!
>You've seen his rifle.
>Uh, yeah. I have.
>Lofn?
>Nothing.
>Um, anyway, it's just not safe to use something like this for... that.
>But what else can I use?
>Well, dear, you really shouldn't be using anyth-
>But the one I got from Aunty Macha was too big!
>WHAT?!
>And Aunty Lelith's was too prickly.
>Secondary Asset, what is that noise?
>Mom's been beating her head against the wall for the last hour or so.
>Please elaborate: why?
>I dunno, I think it was something about wanting me to use my hand more.
The New Ranger on the Block, Part 2
>You're that 'alf mon'keigh girl, right kid?
>Yeah and you are... oh, that girl that came into my room and took my dad's picture.
>Borrowed.
>Give it back.
>No.
>Give it!
-Door opens-
>Great, not only am I stuck here all summer, in the SUN, but I have to share a cabin with my geeky cousin?
>T'riss? What are you-
>Mother is off on a raid. She left me here. With you, apparently. And they say Commorragh is torture.
>Who's the bitch, kid?
>She's-
>Excuse me? Just who do you think you are?! I happen to be-
>A bitch, I know.
>Why, you insolent little-
>She's T'riss, my cousin.
>Oi, noice t' meetcha, bitch.
>I'd claw your eye out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.
>Noice comeback. Your wits as sharp as that beak you call a nose.
>Girls, girls! We're stuck with each other all summer, we might as well try to get along.
>You do have a point, craftworlder.
>Ya, ya, whatever. Easier said than done.
>We could play a game?
>Not a chance, seventeen hours of Monopoly at the family reunion was enough for one lifetime.
>'ow about truth or dare?
-The next morning-
>Girls, please explain to me what happened last night.
>Well, we were playin' truth or dare, and-
>A game of truth or dare caused three fires, two near-fatal explosions, the collapse of half the cafeteria and gymnasium, and a minor Hrud Migration?!
>Yep, pretty good game, eh kid?
>I- I don't know what came over me. I hardly remember anything.
>I honestly did not think you had it in you, cousin.
>I'm calling your parents.
>So did we, where do you think we procured two live genestealers? Mother was so pleased I was making friends.
>Oi, wanna go skinny dippin'?
>I-it's the middle of the day!
>If you have it, flaunt it, I always say. Besides, I've been dying to see that infamous piercing. Count me in.
>Last one to the lake is an ork fucker!
It's Not Heresy if the Commissar Does It
>SKREEK!
>I don't understand- it tore apart all my men trying to get here, but why isn't it trying to kill me?
>Ssss...
>Are you trying to say something? What do you want from me?
*The carnifex tries to gesture towards its "bio-plasma cannon", nearly stabbing the Commissar in the process*
>Is that what I think it is? This has to heresy, but I suppose it's better than being eaten. Just...don't get too close to my regiment after this, all right?
>rrrrrr...
>Though I do have to admit that I'm feeling a little jealous right now. If only I had that kind of cannon...
*Two hours and several bad "bio-plasma" puns later*
>Goodbye, Carnie! We'll meet again someday, I promise you!
>Sir, why are you waving goodbye to that Carnifex?
*the Commissar fires a warning shot, just barely missing the Guardsman*
>If you say anything about this to anyone, I WILL execute you. Do I make myself clear?
>...yes.
Incest is Best
>Auntie Macha, is something wrong with me?
>What do you mean, Lofn?
>Well, watching this video makes me feel...weird down here. Is that bad?
>It's perfectly normal, little one. Here, let your Auntie make it feel better.
>Lewdness ensues
Dickishness Runs in their Family
>Grandad?
>Yes Lofn?
>What are we doing out here?
>Well, our family has been in the farseeing business for a long time now and I thought it about time I showed you the ropes.
>Well, that explains why we're at a mon'keigh military base...
>Don't worry, I've already told your mother.
>...but why do you have a box of-
>Prophylactics?
>...yeah.
>Well, that's the fun part.
>...
>What?
>I don't feel comfortable with this.
>Hmm? Oh, don't be silly, I know what I'm doing.
>But I really, really don't feel-
>I did something similar with your mother, too.
>...
>See, you take one of these little rubbery things...
>Grandad...
>And poke a hole in it with a needle.
>Grandad, you're scarin- wait, what?
>Now, see that sleeping guard?
>I don't understand what's going on-
>I want you to take the one in his pocket and replace it with this one.
>Why?
>Because tomorrow he is going to be -almost- killed tomorrow while fighting those orks we passed on the way in.
>You are so weird.
>Trust me...
Several years later.
>Is your dad really a Vindicare?
>Well, yeah.
>That's so cool! We have so much in common!
>Really? What does your dad do?
>Oh, he was in the guard. But they were both soldiers, right?
>Yeah.
>And you said your dad met your mom on a battlefield, right?
>Yeah.
>Well mine met my mom in a medicae after he was wounded.
>Really? That's so romantic.
>I bet our dads would have a lot to talk about.
>Probably.
>So, um...
>Yes?
>Can I see you again sometime?
>Yes!
>Great, I'll come back here tomorrow!
>I'll be waiting.
The child runs off.
>Wait!
>What's up?
>Mine name's Lofn, what's yours?
>Everyone just called me Lil' E.
The boy runs off.
>Wait a second... a wounded guardsman?
In the bushes nearby, Eldrad smiles.
>I do so love it when a plan comes together.
A Private Discussion
>So you're saying the mon'keigh that I saw you mounting like a deranged gyrinx back in the most sacred place of our Craftworld is your lover.
>Yes.
>And that not only is he a newly minted Inquisitor, but was also alive since before the Fall.
>Yes, I already told you that.
>I'm not sure what's more difficult for me to believe- that this brute of a mon'keigh is supposedly older than the both of us combined or that you actually got laid.
>Look, I already said that I take back everything I ever said about you being a mon'keigh fucker. What more do you want from me- another one of my homemade porno recordings?
>No, I -wait, WHAT? YOU put that in our room? I was worried sick about you all this time, and you couldn't even be bothered to tell me where you were until now?!
>What's wrong? I thought you liked surprises.
>...You do know that I can hear all of this, right?
>Now's not the time, Leon.
A Private Discussion, Part 2
>So not only are you still screwing that Inquisitor, now you're also shacking up with his half-cat lieutenant?
>I have a name-
>Leon, we weren't talking to you. C'mon, sis, she's cute. Just think of that fluffy tail and those adorable ears!
>The only thing I'm thinking about is how you haven't managed to become one of the Dark Eldar with that libido of yours.
>Low blow, Taldeer. I'm a nymphomaniac, not a complete lunatic. Besides, we both know I have a lot of catching up to do.
>Well, the first time we did it you pretty much-
>Zip it, Leon.
>...why do you even drag me into these conversations if you won't let me say anything?
Can't Spell "Assassin" Without "Ass"
>Mistress. can I ask you a question?
>Yes, what is it?
>Is it normal to find yourself attracted to the feel of your synskin?
>...what do you mean by "attracted"?
>I don't quite know how to explain it. Something about all that black, smooth material just makes me want to keep touching it over and over again.
>Of course it is- I've gone through it myself.
>Really? How do you deal with it? I keep thinking that it's going to distract me so badly that I'll mess up an assassination.
>Well, I can either tell you or I can show you how to do it. Which would you like?
>ummm...show me, please.
*Two hours later*
>Whoa, I never knew you could do that with polymorphine before. That was amazing.
>It's something you have to learn on the job- and it makes things a lot more fun, too.
Hunting For Trouble, Part 2
>Dad?
>Yes, Secondary Asset?
>What are we doing out here?
>Primary Asset insisted Secondary Asset would benefit from sessions of "father slash daughter bonding."
>I get that, but why are we out HERE?
>After interviewing Secondary Asset's friends and relatives, this operative concluded that Secondary Asset would enjoy a hunting excursion.
>H-hunting?
>Affirmative. Subject: Macha and Subject: Lelith indicated Secondary Asset enjoyed the hunting trip they took her on.
>Um... I don't think you understood-
>Be advised, target is entering kill zone. Silence is recommended.
>Dad...
>...
>...
>...
>DAD
>Yes?
>That's a stompa!
>Affirmative. With your level of experience, this operative concluded it would be best to "start small."
*Back at the Taldeer residence*
>Mom! You'll never guess what I did today!
Horniness, Thy Name is Macha
>Wow, Aunty Macha, I can't believe mom actually let you babysit again.
>Everyone else was busy.
>What about-
>EVERYONE. Your mother was very clear on that.
>Um, okay. So... I'm just going to take my frog for a walk, okay?
>Your what?
>My frog.
>You... have a pet frog?
>Yeah, he's really cute. I'll go get him!
>...
>...
>...
>BLOODY HANDED KHAINE, WHAT IS THAT ABOMINATION?!
>It's Mr. Frog. Why are you sweating?
>That's a squig! Get away form it, girl; that thing will kill you!
>No, Mr. Frog is really nice. Well, when I'm around, at least. He can be pretty spunky when I'm gone, so mom keeps him in a kennel.
>But those things have fangs as long as-
>Mom let me keep him as long as I corked his teeth.
>Corked?
>Look here.
>Oh, wow. Look at that. How many teeth does it have, anyway?
>Lots!
>Indeed. And that tongue. It must be two feet long...
>He drools a bit, but I like him.
>And dripping in saliva...
>He gets along with Ripper really well, too.
>And so thick...
>Well, I'm going to go walk him now.
>WAIT! Um... I don't think he needs to be walked today.
>Really? He looks a bit pent up.
>No, no. He looks fine. Here, take this and go get some ice cream. For both of us.
>Ice cream? Yay! What flavor do you want?
>Um... Baal Berry Blitz
>I- I've never heard of that flavor.
>Oh, it's great, you should try it too. Just keep looking around until you find it.
>Well, okay.
*Lofn leaves*
>Alright Mr. Frog...
*Macha pulls up her skirt*
>Corked, rowdy, and... well endowed.
>Let's see how long it takes my niece to figure out "Baal Berry Blitz" isn't a flavor.
To this day, Mr. Frog is still in therapy.
Playing Hard to Get
> "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK!"
> "What are you...?!"
> "Just keep your head down! The bastards will have to reload eventually!"
> (He's touching me He's touching me He's touching...)
> "Wait...since when were chest plates round...oh my Emperor..."
> "Y-YOU IDIOT! How dare you touch me there!"
> "But I just saved you from being vaporized!"
> "It doesn't matter! Y-You're just a lowly guardsman! I'm...I'm..."
> "You're what?! Grateful that you're not filled with bullets?!"
> (He's not getting it oh emperor why I'm going to have to tell him...)
> "I'm... gunna go tell the Commissar!"
> "YOU'RE WHAT?!"
> (Yes! This is perfect! He'll never know that I secretly want to jump his bones now!)
> "That's right! I'm going to go see that you're given proper punishment for laying a hand on the purest of maidens!"
> "What?! But I...OH EMPEROR WHY?! WHY?!"
> (Right...now run away before he sees through my ruse! You can do this. DON'T GO BACK FOR HIM. YOU CAN BEST THE WILLS OF THE FLESH!)
(To be continued)
Failure to Communicate
>Commissar, the Sisters of Battle are readying their attack against the Slaaneshi traitors as we speak, but all we have left are green recruits. What are your orders, sir?
>Why are you even asking me? Send them in already!
>But sir, they aren't ready. Half of them don't even know which end of the lasgun to point at the enemy.
>Must I do everything myself? Just tell them to get in there and start fighting already! And make it clear that if anything there looks like it wants to fuck, they should start shooting at once. Can't let them succumb to the temptations of the flesh.
*Later*
>Commissar, this is Sister Lyria. Why in the name of Holy Terra are your men attacking us?
>...oops.

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data

    Halloween in Commorragh

    >"Alright! Lelith gave me PCP!"
    >"I have a tablet of acid!"
    >"I have some speed!"
    >"Aww, I just got cocai-"
    >"NANANANANA!"
    >*a sudden tear in reality as Doomrider literally steals drugs from Dark Eldar children.*
     
    >charlie brown in the back
    >"I got a crack rock."
     
    A Trip to the Mall

    >Mom, Dad! I'm back from the mall!
    >Did you have a fun time, Lofn?
    >Yeah, it was great!
    >Anything interesting happen?
    >Yep, I ran into aunty Macha and Lelith at the video store!
    >Dear gods, no!
    >Oh, don't worry mom. They didn't show me anything weird.
    >...okay.
    >We went to the food court, and the arcade, and the tattoo parlor!
    >You got a tattoo?!
    >No, mom. I'm not stupid. Aunty Macha got one.
    >Hmm...
    >What's a "tramp stamp?"
    >None of your damn business.
    >Anyway, she got a tattoo, but -I- got a piercing.
    *Taldeer snatches her daughter by the ears and scans them closely*
    >Lofn, dear, don't scare me like that.
    >Come on, mom. Why would I get my ears pierced.
    >Yes, you're far to young for that.
    >Aunty Lelith said lower is better, anyway.
     
    >Secondary Asset, have you seen my rifle?
    >Yeah, mom said she needed to borrow it to go slay a couple of daemons.
    >That is nice.
    >Hey dad, wanna see my new piercing?
     
    So much for the Anniversary

    > "Lofn, honey. It's time for you to get up!"
    > "..."
    > "Where did she run off to? Oh, LIIVI! There you are! Have you seen Lofn?"
    > "Affirmative. Secondary Asset prepared breakfast for me an hour ago."
    > "...But...It's our anniversary..."
    > "Apologies. Vinidicare Training does not include marital information."
    > "...Hmph...Just make sure you're ready for our *special* night, mkay?"
    *Later that night...*
    > "...Now bring that big old rifle over here so I can maintain it properly...I've been a *bad* girl..."
    > "MMMOOOMMMM!! DAAAADDD!!!!"
    > "For Isha's sake....WHAT?!"
    > "I had a nightmare..."
    > "..."
    > "And I'm scared to go back to sleep..."
    > "That is alright Secondary Asset, you may sleep with us. "
    > "Yay~!"
    > "...Does she *have* to sleep in-between us?"
     
    A Kiss for Good Luck

    >Secondary Asset.
    >Yeah, dad?
    >Primary Asset wishes for me to kiss you before I return to work.
    >No.
    >Lofn, don't be rude. Kiss your father goodbye.
    >Not until he brushes his teeth.
    >This one has already done so.
    >No you haven't I can see some grit in between your teeth!
    >What grit, Secondary Asset?
    >Right there, that stringy bit...
    >...
    >Oh. My. Gods.
    *Lofn runs out of the house.*
    >Primary Asset. Something seems to be wrong with Secondary Asset.
    >Come here.
    >Affirmative.
    >Open your mouth... Oh, Isha help me.
    >Primary Asset?
    >You've got hair in your mouth!
    >It seems I do.
    >No wonder she wanted you to brush.
    >There was no need, Primary Asset.
    >Come again?
    >I have already thoroughly flossed.
     
    Duel to the Death

    >Macha, we both knew this day would come.
    >Indeed, Lelith. Lofn isn't big enough for the both of us.
    >Let this be our final battle.
    >And our greatest. Now, choose your weapon, wych.
    >Then I will take these two, of the throwing variety.
    >Clever, their angular sides will give you plenty of control.
    >And the rough surface will let you know, without a doubt, when I have hit you, Farseer.
    >Then I choose the mighty dakimakura. It is large enough to to absorb the impacts of your weapons and still allow me to batter you into submission.
    >I should have expected something like this from you, but...
    >But what, FIEND?
    >...is that the mon'keigh Emperor on the front?
    >Err... yes, well. Um. It wouldn't be a dakimakura without a noble image applied to it.
    >You sleep with it, don't you.
    >...
    >Don't you?
    >...yes. But it is still a mighty weapon!
    >Can you even swing that hard enough to hit me?
    >The silk will lend me speed!
    >My velvet will cripple you!
    >For Isha's sake, you two! If you're going to pillow fight, at least put some undies on!
    >Lofn, your aunt Lelith and I have our ways.
    >Yes, don't interfere, young one. Just watch, and learn.
     
    *Down the hall, in Taldeer's apartment*
    >LIVII!
    >Yes, Primary Asset?
    >Have you seen my good throw pillows?
    >Affirmative. The whore wych claimed she needed them to slay a daemon.
    >...
    >...
    >Where the hell is Lofn?
     
    Hunting For Trouble
     
    >Aunty Macha, what are we doing out here?
    >Ssh, you have to keep quiet.
    >Fine, but what are we doing?
    >Your aunt Lelith and I thought it was about time you went hunting.
    >Hunting? I don't want to kill some poor, dumb animal!
    >Kill? Lofn, you have the strangest tastes. Oh, look, there's aunt Lelith now!
    >Why is she standing out in the open where those mon'keigh can see her?
    >I said shush.
    >...
    >...
    >Oh, so THAT'S what the net was for.
    >Yep.
    >Does she really need to use so much rope?
    >No.
    >You're both so weird.
    >You'll get used to it. Now pick one out for yourself.
    >But I don't wanna!
    >Pick one, Lofn.
    >Fine, I want the one with the black hat and coat.
    >Oh, kinky. Here take this.
    >I don't want a gun!
    >It's your first time, so you need a handicap. Besides, the darts'll just put him to sleep.
    >Fine.
    >...
    >...
    >...
    >Does aunty Lelith have to do that out here?
    >Well, she has these... urges.
    >I hate both of you so much.
     
    The Talk

    >Lofn, dear. I think it's time we... had a talk.
    >Mom, I don't understand.
    >Oh, sweety, I know this may be hard for you, but it's something you need to...
    >The anus plays no part in sexual reproduction.
    >Err, what?
    >And vibrating plastic dicks can't possibly increase fertilization.
    >Lofn, Isha help me, what are you talking about?!
    >AUNTY MACHA SHOWED ME YOUR SPECIAL DRAWER!
    >Oh. Oh, dear.
    >I even saw the "conception" video.
    >But we didn't make a...
    >Aunty did.
    >...
    >I can't believe you BOTH used the beads.
    >Lofn, go to your room.
    >I have that special light. I know what you've been doing in there when I'm gone.
    >Maybe you should visit your grandfather for a few days until you can calm down...
    >AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
     
    >Primary Asset, this one wonders what the commotion is all about.
    >DAAAAAD! Put some pants on.
     
    Family Reunion, Part 1
     
    > "Thank you all for coming. Now I know that tensions are high..."
    > "HIGH?! YOU CALL THREATENING TO FLAY ME ALIVE HIGH?!"
    > "Is she *always* like this? It's a miracle that adorable Lofn didn't inherit her mother's attitude."
    > "I know Lelith, isn't that girl simply adorable? Speaking of which, who's that little one you brought along?"
    > Lelith blushes
    > "Can you keep a secret, my second cousin twice removed Macha?"
    > "Uh, duh. I'm a Farseer after all."
    > "That's...my child, T'riss.
    > "Ooooo! And who's the lucky guy?"
    *Lelith blushes and refuses to say anything more*
     
    Family Reunion, Part 2
     
    >"One time, I snuck into mom's bedroom and saw her just sitting there with dad...HOLDING HANDS!"
    >"That's nothing. One time I walked in on my dad sodomizing my mom while biting her ears and calling her a 'xenos slut' as he slapped her ass."
    >"We call those 'Wednesdays'."
    >"Oh yeah, and Aunty Macha was spying on the whole thing."
    >"You too?! Where does she even get the time..."
     
    The Really Odd Couple
     
    > "Alright, you damned cultist. If you're going to 'kaptoor me fhor kay-oss,' you'd better do it right. Use that strap-on there in the box."
    > "Hyu arrr a hweeerd won, harrrlequinn..."
    *Cultist-chan obtains a strap-on dildo +2*
    > "Hallrite, heear hy comme!"
    > *Honk*
    > "...hwyyy iz..."
    > "Don't worry, it's supposed to do that"
    > "...eeff hyu saae zo!"
    [Honking Intensifies]
     
    How Does She Do That?

    >"Superior. Eldar. Seed."
    >"That doesn't make it any easier to clean up, though."
    >"From my Spear. Of. Twilight."
    >"Also, just because I happen to like it up the rear doesn't mean you get to keep making that joke.
    > "Besides, his 'spear' is nothing compared to a certain person's plasma pistol."
    > "Farseer Macha? What in Isha's name are you doing here?!"
    > "Oh, you know me. Wherever there is Lewd, I will be there. Wherever there is an Eldar taking it up the rear, I will be there. Wherever..."
    > "...Friend of yours?'
    > "Gods no."
    > "WHEREVER THERE IS A CHOIR BOY THAT NEEDS TENDER LOVE AND CARE, I WILL BE THERE!"
     
    It May Be A Hole, But There's No Glory Here

    > "Thanks for taking me to work for 'Bring your Child' to work day, Mom!"
    > "You have to learn how to be a proper Farseer at some point, might as well start somewhere. Your father is good with weaponry, but he lacks the..."
    > "Umm... not to interrupt, but where's the bathroom? I kinda need to..."
    > "Oh, sure. Down the hall, third door on the right."
    > "Thanks."
    > ...
    > "Ahhh... much better...Wait, why is there a hole here?"
    > "Liiiiccckkkkk meeeee~ You know you want to, you dirty girl~"
    > "AUNTY?!"
    > "LOFN?!"
    > "TALDEER!"
     
    Nursing It

    > "All right dearies, gather round~ Nurse Mach...Marien is here to make sure you're all in good health."
    > "Umm... Ms. Marien, why are your ears bigger than normal?"
    > "Oh don't mind that. It's just a silly little side effect of a nasty flu I picked up. Nothing to worry about though!"
    > "And why did you knock out Sister Fera?"
    > "She needed her rest. Nasty bit of Grox Rot. Now, enough questions. Remove your clothes and present your plasma pistols for inspection."
    *Sister Fera wakes up*
    > "Ugh...Emperor my head...what in the ever loving..."
    > "Yes! YES~! Shower your precious nurse with your hot plasma!"
    > "...I'm going to need two chainswords for this."
     
    On Vacation

    >LIIVI, I think we need to go on a vacation.
    >Why do you say that, Primary Asset?
    >Lofn has been getting more and more erratic these days, and I think it would do her some good to get away from my family for a while.
    >That seems reasonable. I would not want for Secondary Asset to become psychologically damaged.
    >I just don't know where we could go...
    >I have some family on Terra we could visit.
    >Terra? Really?
    >Affirmative. My cousin's apartment has a very nice view of the Palace, according to her briefings.
    >That sounds perfect! I'll go tell Lofn to pack and you call this cousin of yours.
     *Some time later, on Terra*
    >Yes, yes, yes! Ream my ass with your dick!
    >As you command, Primary Personnel.
    >Fuck, no. You did it wrong. He always says "Primary ASSET."
    >Big words coming from someone with a polymorphine dick in their primary ASSet.
    >Just keep going.
    >Affirmative.
    *Phone rings*
    >Yeah? Oh, hi LIIVI. You're coming to stay for a few days? Excellent, I'll get the spare room ready.
    >Who was that?
    >My cousin and your sister.
    >Oh, this will be awkward.
    >Macha! Callidus! Either of you want a vodka?
    >Those are my beers, Lelith. And stop calling me Callidus, I have a name.
    >I don't care. Now turn back into the Emperor. I've got a new strapon I want to try and double teaming Macha is just what the doctor ordered.
    >Oh, that sounds lovely.
    >I swear, if you two weren't helping me to pay rent, I'd kick you our right now
    >Whatever, you know you love it. Now hold her down.

Paging Dr. Freud...

>Aunty Callidus?
>Technically I'm your second cousin. And don't call me Callidus.
>Can I call you aunty anyway?
>Sure. Whatever.
>Thank you. It's just easier that way.
>What's up, squirt?
>Can you take me to the mall? I've never seen a human mall before.
>Sure, why not. Just wear this hat, your dad would kill me if the Inquisition got you.
>Okay!
>Well, get in the car.
>Umm...
>What now?
>Can I ask you to do something for me?
>What?
>Promise not to tell?
>I can keep a secret.
>Can you turn into daddy while we're out?
>...
>...
>...
>Is this an Eldar thing, or is your family just really fucked up?

 Tactical Genius

 >This has to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard, and borderline heresy as well!
 >Please, general, trust Castellan Creed. He knows what he's doing.
 >But holding the summit meeting on a daemon world within the Occularis Terribius?
 >Totally safe from any spying.
 >While disguised as... daemons?
 >Lord Creed maintains a small mansion there in his "other" identity. Nothing will appear to go on there that isn't common practice.
 >It's mad. Insane. I won't do it.
 >That's a shame sir, the fleet master, Inquisitorial delegation and several others are already there. Your presence will be missed, and a bit conspicuous.
 >...fine. But Creed had better be right about this.
 >Of course he is, sir. Here's your daemonette disguise.
 >That thing is...
 >...rather sizeable, yes. All for the sake of authenticity.

Is it Caturday Already?

> "B...But Lacy, what if the Commissar sees us?"
> "Oh you worry too much. And even if he did, all I have to do is offer to let him pet my tail."
> "T-That doesn't...N-No! Not there!"
> "Nyaa~"

Perfectly Incompetent

 > "Rumor has it you ended up making another reject, girlyman. What happened to be the Chaos God of Perfection?"
 > "Shut up Bird Brain. I do not make rejects. Every single one of my daemons has a purpose. It's not my fault if you can't see it."
 > "Alright, I'll bite. Why is it obsessed with cuddles?"
 > "...Because I decided that it should be so, clearly."
 > "Uh-huh, which is why she *just* so happened to be spawned after your little fling with Khorne..."
    They say that the Eye of Terror grew three times that day.

The Perfect Crime

> "LOFN!"
> "Y-Yes Mom?"
> "WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS....THIS TRASH IN YOUR ROOM?!"
> "I don't..."
> "DID MY SISTER GIVE YOU IT? SHE DID, DIDN'T SHE!"
> "I swear, I don't know how that got there!"
*Ripper-chan cackles somewhere offscreen like Scooby-Doo*

They Grow Up So Fast

> "...Uhhhh Grandpa, you know a lot about Tyranids, right?"
> "Of course. Is something wrong with Ripper, Lofn?"
> "I think so! He's changed! A lot! I actually don't think he is a he anymore!"
> "...What do you mean?"
> "Well, look!"
> Lofn offers out Ripper, who looks like a loli-version of Lictor-Chan
> "...How long have you been hanging around your aunt and mother?"
> "A lot! They're my family after all! But what does that have to do with my Ripper?"
> "Unyuu?"
> "And why is he always trying to grope me?!"
> "..."
> "Grandpa?"
> "Let's just say you might want to cut back on the amount of sexy things you expose Ripper to. They are a rather imitative species after all."
> "...That might be hard...but I'll have to try!"
> Lofn leaves
> "...Just as planned."

All Milk-shaken up

> "PUT THE JIZZ IN THE BAG!"
> "Ma'am, it doesn't work like that. We just collect samples, freeze them, then ship them out to those who qualify for fertilization."
> "BUT HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A MILKSHAKE?!"
> "...How about you actually get laid?"
> "OH IT'S SOOOO EASY. JUST GET LAID MACHA. YEAH. I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT."
*Later*
> "Virtanen!"
> "...What?"
> Macha slams down a blender
> "I want a milkshake, and you're going to help me."
> "Oh for the love of..."
> "And it better be extra creamy. You've been eating those Pineapples, right?"
> "...The shit I do for love.

> "Virtanen!"
> "WHAT?!"
> Macha slams down a blender
> "I'm going to make you a milkshake."
> "But you JUST had one, and I'm spent."
> "No you fool. I'm going to use MY milk this time."
> "...Now this I can get behind."

Paging Dr. Freud, Part 2

> "Tell me about your father."
> "Well, he's nice. And big. And strong. I feel really safe around him."
> "Hmmm, and yet there's something about him that disturbs you."
> "Yeah...I feel really jealous any time Mom hangs around him. Like I want him to only pay attention to me."
> "I see. It is natural for a child to desire parental affection."
> "But it's more than that! I want...more..."
> "...Well it's a good thing we've got time on our hands."

> "It's like...I know it's wrong to feel this way, but I can't help it. Every time he's near I..."
> Lofn squirms on the couch, obviously embarrassed and aroused
> "It's important to realize that these desires can be perfectly normal and acceptable. The key is not to act on them or to do so in an appropriate fashion."
> "But how am I supposed to explain this to him, or even my mother?"
> "A nice calm, rational discussion might work wonders."
> "...I guess. But how am I going to tell my boyfriend I want to call him Daddy..."
> "...I don't get paid enough for this."

The Perks of Being Emprah's Girlfriend

> "Do they HAVE to follow me around?"
> "I just want you to be safe, little one."
> "But they're big, and stand out! People look at me funny..."
> "You'll get used to it. You'd be surprised how stealthy they can be some times."
> "Hmph...fine. Well, have fun back on Terra. I'll see you next week."
> They kiss and Big E GTFOs
> Lofn stares at the two Adeptus Custodes
> "So... I'm going to go watch the nastiest porn in the world now. What are you going to do about it?"
> "The Codex Custodes dictates we must 'Deal with it.'"
> "Good. Now go fetch me the whipped cream."
> "...The Codex Custodes does not support this action..."
> "What was that?"
> "At once, Milady."

The New Ranger on the Block

>Who are you and how did you get in here?!
>Relax kid, just doin' some explorin'.
>IN MY ROOM?
>My Path takes me where my Path takes me, kid.
>You're the same age as me! Stop calling me kid!
>Sure kid, whatever.
>...
>Hey, who's this guy?
>Put that down! It's a picture of dad!
>You're half mon'keigh? That explains a lot.
>Uh, yeah? So?!
>He's sure got a big gun.
>What?
>Your dad. His rifle is huge. He's really packing heat.
>Uh... yes. Yes he is.
>You should see MY dad's Spear of Twilight.
>Oh, is he some kind of-
>It's almost as long as his dick.

>Alright you two, watch closely. It helps to start by leaning forward and holding on to the back of your partner's head.
>Just watch the hair, flatseer.
>Go to hell, wych; and open your mouth.
>Aunties, I don't really feel comfortable with-
>Shut it kid, this is quality entertai- I mean "quality education".
>She's right, Lofn. You need to learn this sooner or later.
>Shouldn't you have your tongue down someone's throat, flatseer?
>That's it, you're going down!
>Save that for Lesson 2, craftworlder.
>...
>...
>...
>(whispering) I thought she said to put your hand behind their head, not between-
>She was earlier, now shush. I'm tryin' to watch.
>Where did you get that popcorn?
>I'm not sharin'.
>...
>...
>...
>And that's what we call "Exodite Style".
>Yeah, if you call that style.
>Lelith, I swear to Khaine...
>Anyway, it's time for you two to give it a try.
>Do we have to?
>Might as well, kid. Now open wide.
>No tongue, okay?
>I make no promises.

Farseerz in the Mist

>Hello /tg/, it's me Eldrad Ulthran. YEAAAAH!
>So mon-keigh? Have you missed me? Who wouldn't eh?
>It's been a long time for all of us, hasn't it eh?
>But now, I'm BAAAACK!
>Well, I instigated my own disappearance y'know.
>Spending eternity as a chaos god's plaything would be a tedious way to end your career as galaxy's biggest dick, wouldn't it.
>Yeah, well I needed somewhere isolated. People were hunting me down, warp storms were on my trail. They were cheesed off about all the dickery I had pulled the past 10 000 years.
>No one ever got hurt, well... no one I cared about anyway.
>They must've figured out it was me because the next thing I know is they tracked me down, corrupted Blackstone fortresses everywhere! 
>So I needed somewhere something unique.
>So I just y'know scouted the galaxy, zipping around all over the place. I searched the webway, visited secret locations until finally I found it. I knew I had struck gold.
>The perfect safe haven. /tg/'s weekend smut thread.
>The place furthest from any type of decency you could imagine. No one would dream looking for me there, would they. You can dick around as much you want.
>It was y'know basically just a bunch of pervs messing around on /tg/. The funny thing was, that it looked idyllic from far away through the binoculars, like a fapping paradise.
>But once you got closer you could see it was just 4chan.
>You should always start with Taldeer. Taldeer's Dawn of War's greatest asset. She's an outstanding troll, looks great and an brilliant mon-keigh fucker. 
>I went back to the place where I'd last seen her back in 2006, the scene of the Dark Crusade game, the crash site. 
>However, there was nothing left. I did what I could, I scrapped up some of Taldeer's soulstones from the wreckage and got to work building a wraithguard version of her. It ain't the real Taldeer obviously, but y'know it's close enough for smut. 
>She's /tg/'s personal scrying, love-blooming pinup girl. She can fire a pair of D-cannons right out of her tits y'know. 
>What other waifu can state claims to something like that?

Mixed Signals

> "I WILL FEAST UPON YOUR ENTRAILS!"
> "That's nice honey."
> "YOU WILL COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT!"
> "Oh that reminds me, your father called. Something about your new blade being finished or something."
> "I SHALL CARVE A SWATH OF DESTRUCTION WORTHY OF HIS NAME!"
> "Glad to see you're cheering up. Now come back to bed."
> "..."
> "See? Was that so hard?"
> "...These cuddles are humiliating..."
> "And yet you keep coming back for more. You're adorably stubborn."
> "...I-It's not like I like you or anything..."
> "Mhm. Not at all."
> Cuddles ensue

> *Ring Ring*
> "Mhello? What's up sweetie?"
> "YOU WILL BE HOME IN TEN MINUTES, FOR I AM IN 'THE MOOD.'"
> "Uh-huh...But I'm kinda in the middle of something important for work and..."
> "I WILL TIE YOU DOWN TO THE BED AND FORCEFULLY DESTROY YOUR PELVIS UNTIL MY LUST IS SATED."
> "Well when you put it that way..."
> "ALSO, WE ARE OUT OF MILK."

Corruption of Champions (As written by Orks)

>YER TAKE 50 POINTS'A CORPSHUN DAMAGE
>YER FEEL A STRANGE FEELAN
>YER POINTLESS HUMIE BUM TURNS INTA FIFTY DAKKAS

Cum into my Parlor

> "My my...you look *so* adorable when you're tied up like this..."
> "Very funny, now let me go!"
> "Now why would I go and do a thing like that? I won't be able to play with you if you're able to run away..."
> "You're starting to scare me..."
> "Don't worry....let your precious Arachne take care of you..."
> Webbing gets attached to his dick, while the other end to one of her hands
> Forced Webjob

A Connoisseur of Perversion

> "'The Wraithboner?' Really? That's the best name they could come up with? ...Still, if there's a druchii running it, they might have good stuff."
> Macha goes inside, starts browsing
> "Hrmph...Boring...Lame... Most of this stuff doesn't even *work* for me anymore..."
> "Goooood Evvvening, Ms. Farseer. May I help you to locate that special Spear of Twilight you're after?"
> "Oh, so you're the idiot who thinks this chunk of wraithbone here is worth the label of 'TUBRO ANNIHILATOR'"
> "I can see you have impeccable taste. Come, let me show you our newest model, fresh from the Webway."
> "...That's a normal mon'keigh dildo."
> "Oh no! Not at all! You see, it has this little feature here that..."
> "Let me guess...it vibrates? Or maybe it starts to shock you?"
> "Well... yes... but that's the best..."
> "No, I don't think you understand. Unless I am going to be PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO WALK after using it, it's not enough."
> "...And *we're* the dark ones..."

Turning the Tables

>"Yes, LIVII...it's time to maintain your rifle. And is it me, or does it seem bigger than usual?"
>"What's the matter- you running out of ammo so soon before you can even slay the wych? I can fix that, just you wait." 
>"That's it, send your turbopenetrator round right up my webway."
>"ISHA, YES! JUST A LITTLE MORE AND I'LL..."
>"And you say that I'm the perverted one."
>"MACHA?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" 
>"You left the door open again. Sheesh, at least I remember to keep it locked."
>"This isn't what it looks like!"
>"So you want me to believe that the puddle underneath you is just sweat? Riiight..."
>"...I can't believe I'm getting lectured about this by YOU of all people."

Talk about Endurance...

>"Finished so soon, Yriel? I thought the Spear of Twilight would strengthen you more than this."
>"Sylandri, I'm begging you. I have three other Craftworlds to save, six Imperial fleets to raid, and nine Necron Lords to troll. For the love of Isha, put your holosuit on and give my dick a rest!"
>"Oh come on, just a little while longer? I know this spot in the Webway where time goes only half as fast as it does here. Besides, Cegorach says he'll make sure you get back in time to see the new Eldar Empire!"
>"That makes me SO much more confident. Knowing you, there won't be anyone left on Iyanden when we get back."
>"Well, then we should get started repopulating it, right?"
>"...I walked right into that one."

Zen and the Art of Lasgun Maintenance

> "Bloody bugs...keeping us pinned like this..."
> "And to think, reinforcements are days away still..."
> "We're probably going to die here, aren't we?"
> "More than likely."
> "..."
> "..."
> "...Would you mind maintaining my rifle?"
> "I thought you'd never ask."
> "Well then..."
> "Wait...what's this?"
> "It's my las rifle!"
> "...fucking..."

Sisterly Love

> "Oh ho, you're so flat sis. No wonder you can't get laid."
> "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FLAT?!"
> "Flat as a board. I mean, LOOK! There's nothing here to grab!"
> "Oooh, Taldeer...I never knew you felt that way about me~ Squeeze them harder!"
> "Mom, Aunty! Where are..."
> Awkward stares all around
> "...I seriously need to get my own apartment."

Childhood Innocence? What's That?

>Welcome back. How was the council meeting?
>Tedious as ever. Did Lofn behave herself?
>I did, Mom. Macha and I watched a movie!
>What sort of movie, dear?
>I don't know- there were these two naked people climbing all over each other and they were laughing and it looked like they were having fun. Were they wrestling like you and Dad do?
>Er...just a moment dear.
>WHY DID YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SHOW MY DAUGHTER YOUR PORN COLLECTION?!
>Don't act so shocked- she needs to learn about these things eventually and I'm the best person who can teach her about them.
>Note to self: never let Macha babysit again.
>Besides, it wasn't one of MY videos. Don't want to scar the poor girl for life, right?
>Then-
>One of yours, yes.
>Isha help me.

The Talk, Part 2

>Lofn dear, can you come here for a minute?
>Sure mom, what's up?
>Listen... I know this has been a confusing time for you, what with your aunts always...
>Being Macha and Lelith?
>Yes. That. Well, I just want you to know you can always talk to me.
>I know, mom.
>Really, if you have any questions or ever just need to say something, I'll be here.
>Mom, I know.
>It's just that...
>...
>...
>Mom, what?
>I found this under your pillow, dear.
>...oh.
>Like I said, I know you're going through a lot right now and must be feeling really strange-
>You could say that.
>But it's just not safe to use this kind of thing.
>But you use 'em!
>Wha- wait, no. That's different.
>How?
>Those are actually MADE for it, this is one of your dad's bullets.
>Really, but it's so big!
>You've seen his rifle.
>Uh, yeah. I have.
>Lofn?
>Nothing.
>Um, anyway, it's just not safe to use something like this for... that.
>But what else can I use?
>Well, dear, you really shouldn't be using anyth-
>But the one I got from Aunty Macha was too big! 
>WHAT?!
>And Aunty Lelith's was too prickly.

>Secondary Asset, what is that noise?
>Mom's been beating her head against the wall for the last hour or so.
>Please elaborate: why?
>I dunno, I think it was something about wanting me to use my hand more.

The New Ranger on the Block, Part 2

    >You're that 'alf mon'keigh girl, right kid?
    >Yeah and you are... oh, that girl that came into my room and took my dad's picture.
    >Borrowed.
    >Give it back.
    >No.
    >Give it!
    -Door opens-
    >Great, not only am I stuck here all summer, in the SUN, but I have to share a cabin with my geeky cousin?
    >T'riss? What are you-
    >Mother is off on a raid. She left me here. With you, apparently. And they say Commorragh is torture.
    >Who's the bitch, kid?
    >She's-
    >Excuse me? Just who do you think you are?! I happen to be-
    >A bitch, I know.
    >Why, you insolent little-
    >She's T'riss, my cousin.
    >Oi, noice t' meetcha, bitch.
    >I'd claw your eye out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.
    >Noice comeback. Your wits as sharp as that beak you call a nose.
    >Girls, girls! We're stuck with each other all summer, we might as well try to get along.
    >You do have a point, craftworlder.
    >Ya, ya, whatever. Easier said than done.
    >We could play a game?
    >Not a chance, seventeen hours of Monopoly at the family reunion was enough for one lifetime.
    >'ow about truth or dare?

    -The next morning-
    >Girls, please explain to me what happened last night.
    >Well, we were playin' truth or dare, and-
    >A game of truth or dare caused three fires, two near-fatal explosions, the collapse of half the cafeteria and gymnasium, and a minor Hrud Migration?!
    >Yep, pretty good game, eh kid?
    >I- I don't know what came over me. I hardly remember anything.
    >I honestly did not think you had it in you, cousin.
    >I'm calling your parents.
    >So did we, where do you think we procured two live genestealers? Mother was so pleased I was making friends.
    >Oi, wanna go skinny dippin'?
    >I-it's the middle of the day!
    >If you have it, flaunt it, I always say. Besides, I've been dying to see that infamous piercing. Count me in.
    >Last one to the lake is an ork fucker!

It's Not Heresy if the Commissar Does It

>SKREEK!
>I don't understand- it tore apart all my men trying to get here, but why isn't it trying to kill me? 
>Ssss...
>Are you trying to say something? What do you want from me?
*The carnifex tries to gesture towards its "bio-plasma cannon", nearly stabbing the Commissar in the process*
>Is that what I think it is? This has to heresy, but I suppose it's better than being eaten. Just...don't get too close to my regiment after this, all right?
>rrrrrr...
>Though I do have to admit that I'm feeling a little jealous right now. If only I had that kind of cannon...
*Two hours and several bad "bio-plasma" puns later*
>Goodbye, Carnie! We'll meet again someday, I promise you!
>Sir, why are you waving goodbye to that Carnifex?
*the Commissar fires a warning shot, just barely missing the Guardsman*
>If you say anything about this to anyone, I WILL execute you. Do I make myself clear?
>...yes.

Incest is Best

>Auntie Macha, is something wrong with me?
>What do you mean, Lofn?
>Well, watching this video makes me feel...weird down here. Is that bad?
>It's perfectly normal, little one. Here, let your Auntie make it feel better.
>Lewdness ensues

Dickishness Runs in their Family

>Grandad?
>Yes Lofn?
>What are we doing out here?
>Well, our family has been in the farseeing business for a long time now and I thought it about time I showed you the ropes.
>Well, that explains why we're at a mon'keigh military base...
>Don't worry, I've already told your mother.
>...but why do you have a box of-
>Prophylactics? 
>...yeah.
>Well, that's the fun part.
>...
>What?
>I don't feel comfortable with this.
>Hmm? Oh, don't be silly, I know what I'm doing.
>But I really, really don't feel-
>I did something similar with your mother, too.
>...
>See, you take one of these little rubbery things...
>Grandad...
>And poke a hole in it with a needle.
>Grandad, you're scarin- wait, what?
>Now, see that sleeping guard?
>I don't understand what's going on-
>I want you to take the one in his pocket and replace it with this one.
>Why?
>Because tomorrow he is going to be -almost- killed tomorrow while fighting those orks we passed on the way in.
>You are so weird.
>Trust me...

Several years later.
>Is your dad really a Vindicare?
>Well, yeah.
>That's so cool! We have so much in common!
>Really? What does your dad do?
>Oh, he was in the guard. But they were both soldiers, right?
>Yeah.
>And you said your dad met your mom on a battlefield, right?
>Yeah.
>Well mine met my mom in a medicae after he was wounded.
>Really? That's so romantic.
>I bet our dads would have a lot to talk about.
>Probably.
>So, um...
>Yes?
>Can I see you again sometime?
>Yes!
>Great, I'll come back here tomorrow!
>I'll be waiting.
The child runs off.
>Wait!
>What's up?
>Mine name's Lofn, what's yours?
>Everyone just called me Lil' E.
The boy runs off.
>Wait a second... a wounded guardsman?

In the bushes nearby, Eldrad smiles.
>I do so love it when a plan comes together.

A Private Discussion

>So you're saying the mon'keigh that I saw you mounting like a deranged gyrinx back in the most sacred place of our Craftworld is your lover.
>Yes. 
>And that not only is he a newly minted Inquisitor, but was also alive since before the Fall. 
>Yes, I already told you that. 
>I'm not sure what's more difficult for me to believe- that this brute of a mon'keigh is supposedly older than the both of us combined or that you actually got laid.
>Look, I already said that I take back everything I ever said about you being a mon'keigh fucker. What more do you want from me- another one of my homemade porno recordings?
>No, I -wait, WHAT? YOU put that in our room? I was worried sick about you all this time, and you couldn't even be bothered to tell me where you were until now?!
>What's wrong? I thought you liked surprises.
>...You do know that I can hear all of this, right?
>Now's not the time, Leon.

A Private Discussion, Part 2

>So not only are you still screwing that Inquisitor, now you're also shacking up with his half-cat lieutenant?
>I have a name-
>Leon, we weren't talking to you. C'mon, sis, she's cute. Just think of that fluffy tail and those adorable ears!
>The only thing I'm thinking about is how you haven't managed to become one of the Dark Eldar with that libido of yours.
>Low blow, Taldeer. I'm a nymphomaniac, not a complete lunatic. Besides, we both know I have a lot of catching up to do.
>Well, the first time we did it you pretty much-
>Zip it, Leon. 
>...why do you even drag me into these conversations if you won't let me say anything?

Can't Spell "Assassin" Without "Ass"

>Mistress. can I ask you a question?
>Yes, what is it?
>Is it normal to find yourself attracted to the feel of your synskin?
>...what do you mean by "attracted"?
>I don't quite know how to explain it. Something about all that black, smooth material just makes me want to keep touching it over and over again.
>Of course it is- I've gone through it myself. 
>Really? How do you deal with it? I keep thinking that it's going to distract me so badly that I'll mess up an assassination. 
>Well, I can either tell you or I can show you how to do it. Which would you like?
>ummm...show me, please.
*Two hours later*
>Whoa, I never knew you could do that with polymorphine before. That was amazing.
>It's something you have to learn on the job- and it makes things a lot more fun, too.

Hunting For Trouble, Part 2
>Dad?
>Yes, Secondary Asset?
>What are we doing out here?
>Primary Asset insisted Secondary Asset would benefit from sessions of "father slash daughter bonding."
>I get that, but why are we out HERE?
>After interviewing Secondary Asset's friends and relatives, this operative concluded that Secondary Asset would enjoy a hunting excursion.
>H-hunting?
>Affirmative. Subject: Macha and Subject: Lelith indicated Secondary Asset enjoyed the hunting trip they took her on.
>Um... I don't think you understood-
>Be advised, target is entering kill zone. Silence is recommended.
>Dad...
>...
>...
>...
>DAD
>Yes?
>That's a stompa!
>Affirmative. With your level of experience, this operative concluded it would be best to "start small."

*Back at the Taldeer residence*
>Mom! You'll never guess what I did today!


Horniness, Thy Name is Macha
>Wow, Aunty Macha, I can't believe mom actually let you babysit again.
>Everyone else was busy.
>What about-
>EVERYONE. Your mother was very clear on that.
>Um, okay. So... I'm just going to take my frog for a walk, okay?
>Your what?
>My frog.
>You... have a pet frog?
>Yeah, he's really cute. I'll go get him!
>...
>...
>...
>BLOODY HANDED KHAINE, WHAT IS THAT ABOMINATION?!
>It's Mr. Frog. Why are you sweating?
>That's a squig! Get away form it, girl; that thing will kill you!
>No, Mr. Frog is really nice. Well, when I'm around, at least. He can be pretty spunky when I'm gone, so mom keeps him in a kennel.
>But those things have fangs as long as-
>Mom let me keep him as long as I corked his teeth.
>Corked?
>Look here.
>Oh, wow. Look at that. How many teeth does it have, anyway?
>Lots!
>Indeed. And that tongue. It must be two feet long...
>He drools a bit, but I like him.
>And dripping in saliva...
>He gets along with Ripper really well, too.
>And so thick...
>Well, I'm going to go walk him now.
>WAIT! Um... I don't think he needs to be walked today.
>Really? He looks a bit pent up.
>No, no. He looks fine. Here, take this and go get some ice cream. For both of us.
>Ice cream? Yay! What flavor do you want?
>Um... Baal Berry Blitz
>I- I've never heard of that flavor.
>Oh, it's great, you should try it too. Just keep looking around until you find it.
>Well, okay.
*Lofn leaves*
>Alright Mr. Frog...
*Macha pulls up her skirt*
>Corked, rowdy, and... well endowed.
>Let's see how long it takes my niece to figure out "Baal Berry Blitz" isn't a flavor.

To this day, Mr. Frog is still in therapy.

Playing Hard to Get
> "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK!"
> "What are you...?!"
> "Just keep your head down! The bastards will have to reload eventually!"
> (He's touching me He's touching me He's touching...)
> "Wait...since when were chest plates round...oh my Emperor..."

> "Y-YOU IDIOT! How dare you touch me there!"
> "But I just saved you from being vaporized!"
> "It doesn't matter! Y-You're just a lowly guardsman! I'm...I'm..."
> "You're what?! Grateful that you're not filled with bullets?!"
> (He's not getting it oh emperor why I'm going to have to tell him...)

> "I'm... gunna go tell the Commissar!"
> "YOU'RE WHAT?!"
> (Yes! This is perfect! He'll never know that I secretly want to jump his bones now!)
> "That's right! I'm going to go see that you're given proper punishment for laying a hand on the purest of maidens!"
> "What?! But I...OH EMPEROR WHY?! WHY?!"
> (Right...now run away before he sees through my ruse! You can do this. DON'T GO BACK FOR HIM. YOU CAN BEST THE WILLS OF THE FLESH!)
(To be continued)

Failure to Communicate
>Commissar, the Sisters of Battle are readying their attack against the Slaaneshi traitors as we speak, but all we have left are green recruits. What are your orders, sir?
>Why are you even asking me? Send them in already!
>But sir, they aren't ready. Half of them don't even know which end of the lasgun to point at the enemy.
>Must I do everything myself? Just tell them to get in there and start fighting already! And make it clear that if anything there looks like it wants to fuck, they should start shooting at once. Can't let them succumb to the temptations of the flesh.
*Later*
>Commissar, this is Sister Lyria. Why in the name of Holy Terra are your men attacking us?
>...oops.

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