Welcome To The ESA

Dear Anonymous,

 

Approximately two years before you came to the land of Equestria, I sent my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle to live in Ponyville. Her task was to learn the magic that is friendship. What I INTENDED was for her to make friends, share in the wonders of friendship with them and report back to me with each day's lesson. It's actually a pretty ingenious plan, self-guided and with limited administration on my part, if I must say so myself.

That is, until Twilight Sparkle was... Twilight Sparkle.

 

Being a rather clever pony, I feel that she can not (or will not) synchronize with others on a mental level. She craves intellectual stimulation which she would never find in satisfying amounts around the type of place like Ponyville.

Also, Twilight Sparkle is lazy.

In these two years, she has left her home an average of two days a week. I have seen her room before young Spike can get to it. Atrocious. She has gained at least ten pounds and I worry for her health being shut up in her dark room, pouring over scrolls and books every day.

So, at my sincere request, would you please befriend my faithful student and show her the true joys of GETTING OUT OF HER HOUSE?

 

Sincerely,

Your ruler:

Princess Celestia

 

>You pull out your lighter and light the corner of the letter on fire, tossing it into your fire place.

>Celestia always was annoying.

>It's not like you could refuse her requests.

>Whatever she asked of you, happened.

>The curse of being such a high profile 'celeb' Equestria as the only Human.

>With much chagrin, you pack up some shit and leave your house.

>making your way to Twilight's library...

 

 

>Spike welcomes you and takes you to Twilight's room.

>"Princess Celestia told me that you'd be spending time with Twilight. Are you taking her out, Anon? I'll have the place all to myself?"

>You pat his head,

"I might take her somewhere. But it's not a date. Don't worry, I'll give you plenty of time to spank it if we leave."

>He gives you a curious look and knocks on Twilight's door, "I don't know what that means."

>You chuckle and enter Twilight's room.

"Hey Twi, what's going on?"

>It's no surprise that you find her at her desk, reading a book.

>She doesn't turn around or even look up but gives a weird grunt of acknowledgement.

>You stare, thinking about what Celestia wrote.

>About how Twilight was unhealthy and gaining weight.

>She wasn't fat.

> Not as thin as Rainbow Dash or Rarity.

>And definitely not cut like AJ.

>No, she was more like Pinkie Pie.

>Squishy.

>Your eyes move down and scan her seat.

>Her purple rear presses against the back two bars, trying to contain

"D-dat ass..."

>Shaking your head, you walk over to her.

>On her desk lay a few flower petals and some bits of hay.

>The messy remains of her meals.

>Her mane is a little messy, tussled from where she moves it out of her eyes every few moments.

>Now that you're close enough, you notice an odd smell.

>It takes you a moment to realize that it's Twilight BO.

>It's not necessarily a gross smell.

>More of a weird sweetness.

"Hey Twilight, wanna hang out?"

>She looks up at you with her big purple eyes, not really looking at you but still obviously lost in her book.

>"I'm busy Spike. I'll walk you later."

>It will take a lot more to snap her out of this.

>You pick up 'The Big Neigh Theory', tear out a page and wipe your ass with it.

 

 

>"WARGRBLHEHUEEE!"

>Twilight tackles you to the floor, "SPIKE WHAT DID YOU JUS-"

>Her face moves back from yours and she blushes heavily.

>"Oh hey Anon, I thought you were Spike."

>She steps off of you and looks around nervously.

"It's alright, sorry I had to rip your book."

>She snorts, "It's alright, I have three copies of that one."

>Then she starts laughing.

>With her eyes wide open.

>Just like always.

"Twilight, please just act normally in front of me. You don't have to be so nervous."

>She reaches up and twirls her mane with a hoof, "so what brings you to my room Anon? Are you here to... R-r-r-r-r-re *cough* read with me?"

>Judging from the way she said that, you reading with her would probably make her wetter than John Madden watching Brett Farve's hands.

>You imagine her sitting in your lap while you turn the pages for her.

"Well shit. Mayb- No! I'm here under Celestia's orders.  I'm here to take you outside for some fun or something."

>She jumps into a pile of books, "noooooooooo! I don't have time to go outside! There's so much more to read!"

>With a sigh, you take your backpack off and open it up.

"I thought this would happen, so I guess we can start out slow. We don't have to go outside right now."

>You take out some paper and markers.

"Let's do something that doesn't involve books."

 

 

>Twilight crawls out from her books, "drawing? I can't draw."

>You set the art supplies on her desk and pull out her chair for her.

"Everyone can draw Twi. Just doodle whatever comes to mind."

>She trots over and sits in front of you.

>"So um, Princess Celestia asked you to come over and make me draw stuff?"

"No. The drawing was my idea. Celestia is worried about you spending so much time in this room."

>The little pony looks down at the paper.

>"Ooookaaaay... But I told you, I can't draw. What should I draw?"

>You pick up a purple marker and her hoof, putting the two together and making her shiver.

"Just draw something that would make you happy. Something that doesn't involve books or this room."

>Twilight thinks for a moment, then smiles.

>"Okay!"

>She begins awkwardly scribbling and you sit on her bed.

"Take your time."

 

>1,000 years later, Twilight announces that she is finished.

>You stand up, trying to hide your pillow sniffing and walk over to her.

"Let's check it out!"

>She snorts, "I know you're going to like it!"

"I'm sure I... Will..."

>Twilight decided to draw herself.

>In the picture, she is standing with her mouth open.

>In front of a human penis.

>The picture has her signature and some hearts at the top.

>"You said to draw something that would make me happy!"

"Jesus Christ."

>"So, make me happy?"

>Purplehorny holds her mouth open.

>You throw the drawing and pick her up by the horn.

"Okay, now we're going outside."

>Twilight wiggles her legs the whole time, "nooooooooo!"

 

 

>You get the pony out of her home and set her down.

>She huffs and plops down on her backside.

"Twilight, why don't you want to come outside?"

>Her eyes dart around, looking at all the different ponies walking around.

>"They're laughing at me."

>You look around.

>All the ponies are minding their own business.

>Big Mac waves at you both.

"No one is laughing at you. Really."

>Twilight begins to hyperventilate, pressing her body back against her door.

>"No! You don't understand what it's like to be me! I'm Princess Celestia's top student! They're always judging me, looking at me with those fake smiles... I know they're judging me, waiting for me to do the next 'amazing' thing!"

>She grabs your leg.

>"It's a conspiracy! Celestia is actually trying to keep me a shut-in! She wants to ruin me and make me never come outside again! I know that she's actually the head of the ESA!"

"The ESA?"

>"The Equestrian Shut-in Association! It's a world wide phenomena working to keep the bottom of society down. There are others like me, like-like Star Swirl! He was a victim of the ESA too! I've found clues throughout my readings! WHY DO YOU THINK HE NEVER CAME OUT OF HIS LAB NEAR THE END OF HIS LIFE!"

>You clap a hand over her mouth.

>Jesus Christ, she's worse than you thought.

>What happened?

>You had heard stories of the amazing things she had done with her friends before you came to Equestria.

>What had turned her into this deranged, paranoid mess?

>Was it the incident six months ago?

>When the girls were unable to stop the Hydra from destroying half of Ponyville?

>You knew some ponies blamed Twilight's botched spell that enlarged the beast for the destruction...

>Twilight moves your hand away and looks at you with tears in her eyes.

>"Anon, you said Celestia sent you? Are you... You're one of the ESA's agents aren't you?!"

>Losing your patience, you grab her horn and lift her upside down, disabling her magic.

"Calm down! Twilight, I'm here to help you!"

 

 

>Ponies all stare as you carry Twilight by her horn, upside down like a pony ice cream cone.

"Your friends are worried about you Twilight. Because you say things like there's an evil corporation conspiring against you."

>She covers her eyes, "I know they're out there. Spike agrees."

>You use your other hand to flick her cutie mark.

"No. There's no one 'out there', Twilight. I'm taking you to see your nicest friend."

>You get to a shop that sells quills and set Twilight down.

>With a deep breath, you exhale onto the large glass window of the store.

>Using a finger, you draw a cupcake in the condensation and close your eyes.

"Pinkie Pie... Pinkie Pie..."

>You open your eyes and gulp.

>Twilight crosses her legs.

>"That's just an urban legend. Are you really scared?"

"PINKIE PIE!"

>After the third utterance of the beast's name, a pink vortex opens and Pinkie Pie hops out.

>"HI ANON!"

>Twilight screams and hides behind you, "how is that possible?! Pinkie Pie just came out of a PORTAL! I don't even- wha..."

>You look down at Twilight with an eyebrow raised.

"What the fuck are you on, Twilight? Pinkie Pie just came out of the quill shop. I was trying to get her attention."

>Purpledrugs looks around, bewildered.

>"But she- I saw- and you- and..."

>You lean down to Pinkie.

"Listen, Twilight has been acting a little deranged. Before she has to get sent to the funny farm, I have to try my hand at getting her back to normal. Will you help us out? I don't know, maybe with one of your songs?"

>Pinkie Pie smiles like Gary Busey, "I love the Funny Farm! But okay, I'll make Twilight see the light with one of my soooooooooooongs!"

>Twilight covers her ears, "No. No. I won't listen to your ESA propaganda!"

>You tear her hooves away from her head.

"If I'm going to listen to this song, you are too!"

>Pinkie Pie begins rocking back and forth while music starts playing from you don't know where.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehwYjuZ6e_Q

 

>It actually sounds pretty heavy for pony land...

"Wait, I know this-"

 

>"Anon's cock is much bigger than yours! Anon's cock can walk right through the door! With a feeling so pure! It's got you neighing back for more!"

 

"God damn it..."

 

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

 

>Pinkie Pie has now donned a suit with a tie that reads 'ESA'.

"Wait, how do you know about Twilight's ESA Pinkie Pie?"

 

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

>"Anon's poop stinks much better than yours! Anon's poop stinks right down to the floor! With a feeling so pure! It's got you bucking back for more!"

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

>"Can't you see that I love Anon's cock? Can't you see that you love Anon's cock? Can't you see that we love Anon's cock?"

 

>Twilight nods while backround ponies flail around singing "badadadadadadadada!"

 

>"We're the regulators that deregulate!"

 

>Pinkie pulls off your clothes with one tug.

 

>"We're the animators that de-animate!"

 

>Her face now actually becomes the real Gary Busey's head, making you scream.

 

>"We're the propagators of all pony rides!"

 

 

>In a flash, you're now on Pinkie's back, riding her.

 

>"Turning all the world to horses, then we turn and ride!"

 

>Pinkie Pie begins running through town, belting out her deranged song while you hang on for dear life and Twilight tries to keep up.

 

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

>"We're the regulators that deregulate!"

>"We're the animators that de-animate!"

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

>"Cool, in denial, we're the ESA regulators smoking cigaro, cigaro, cigar!"

>"Anon's cock is much bigger than yours! Anon's cock can walk right through the door! With a feeling so pure! It's got you creaming back for more!"

 

>The song ends and Pinky Pie crashes into a bale of hay, vanishing in a puff of pink smoke.

>You crawl out from the hay, brushing pieces off of your clothes that are now back on for some reason.

"So Twilight, did Pinkie's song help you?"

>Twilight rubs her chin.

>"Hmmm. It was interesting. But I think all it really did was make me suspicious that she's in fact a regulator for the Equestrian Shut-in Association and also want to see just how big you actually are."

>You sigh.

"This place is fucking weird. Come on. Let's go see-"

>You shiver.

"Fluttershy."

 

 

>It pains you to have to rely on Fluttershy.

>Considering she wants to suck more than the New York Giants.

>You drag Twilight Sparkle to Flutterrape cottage and bang on the door.

>Fluttershy pokes her head out and smiles meekly at you.

>"Oh, hello Anon and Twilight."

>You hold out Twilight by her back leg.

"Can you help this thing?"

>She invites you both in.

>So far, nothing weird from Fluttershy...

>It must be because she's worried about Twilight.

>You sit with Twilight on one of the couches.

>Fluttershy looks at her friend, "um, wh-what's wrong Twilight?"

>Purple pony looks around the room.

>You can see that she's starting to bug out.

"Twilight, what's wrong with you now?"

>She presses back against you and stares at Fluttershy's clock.

>"Anon... Anon, there are cameras everywhere in this house! I want to go home! Let's leave!"

>You rub her back.

"Shhh. Fluttershy, are there cameras in your house?"

>Fluttershy shakes her head, "n-no sir."

"Fluttershy, are there cameras in my house?"

>She rubs her hooves together and looks at the floor, "do you c-consider the b-bathroom part of you hou-house?"

"See Twilight, there's no cameras here. Fluttershy may be a creep but she's not trying to do anything to you."

>Twilight lays against you.

"Alright Fluttershy, do you remember a certain incident around six months ago?"

>Twilight looks at you with thin eyes, "we don't have to talk about that."

>Fluttershy whimpers, "that was when the b-big scary Hydra attacked..."

>You nod.

"From what I hear, you were the one with Twilight before the Hydra came into town right?"

>Fluttershy nods.

"What happened? Why did things go wrong?"

>Fluttershy hides her face in her mane and looks back at the ground.

>"Mffmmmfm mfmfm fmmmmf...."

"What was that?"

>She looks worried at Twilight, then back to you.

>"Twilight cast the wrong spell and m-made the H-Hydra grow big. Then... Then it d-destroyed half the town and many ponies were h-hurt! And now almost all the ponies blame Twilight for everything!"

 

 

>Twilight tries to jump off the couch but you snag her and wrestle her to the couch again.

"We're just talking Twilight!"

>You can see there are tears in her eyes.

>"NO ONE wants to talk to me! They're all judging me! I was the reason why so many ponies got hurt! Even little colts and fillies... Even Fluttershy thinks I'm horrible now! THIS IS ALL A CONSPIRACY!"

>You flick her horn, instantly shutting her up.

>With one hand, you flip her over and with the other you begin to rub her belly.

>Ponies can't resist.

>Twilight hiccups and sniffles but seems to calm down.

>Fluttershy scoots closer with her big creepy eyes.

"Fluttershy, do you think Twilight is horrible?"

>For once, Fluttershy shows some assertiveness.

>"No! Twilight is my greatest friend! I don't blame her for anything! Everyone makes mistakes and a pony shouldn't be judged based off of one mistake!"

>You smile and give her a thumbs up.

>A gesture lost on My Little Ponies.

>"And besides... I know Twilight is really sorry."

"Right!"

>You jump up, scaring the ponies.

"I know you can cast that spell right Twilight! That's why, you're going to do it again!"

>Twilight hiccups and her neck stretches, "WHAT?"

>You point at Fluttershy.

"To get some confidence back, I want you to do the spell you did wrong on Fluttershy."

>They both flatten their ears.

>"I dunno Anon... What if I mess it up again?"

"You won't. I know you can do it.

 

 

>The three of you stand outside of Fluttershy's cottage.

"Okay Twilight, deep breath and cast the spell. It's supposed to make Fluttershy tiny right?"

>Twilight nods nervously.

"Go ahead."

>Fluttershy's knees wobble furiously, her eyes darting back and forth between the two of you.

>"A-Anon I-I-"

"CAST TWILIGHT!"

>Twilight's eyes close tightly and a beam of purple magic goo shoots at Fluttershy.

>There's a bright flash of light and you cover your eyes.

>A-ANONN!"

>That voice is deafening.

>You uncover your eyes and stare in horror.

>Fluttershy is now a thirty-foot hulk of a pony with rippling muscles.

>Twilight whimpers and falls back, "not again..."

>Flutterhulk looks down at you.

>"ANON, IT'S TIME."

>You grab Twilight by her horn and run at mach speed.

>Twilight sobs and sniffs, "I'm horrible!"

>The sound of four tons of rape coming for you drives you faster.

>You run all the way to Twilight's house, down to her basement and lock the door.

>Twilight wipes her eyes.

>"What are we going to do now Anon?"

>Outside you can hear Fluttershy knocking on the roof.

"We're going to stay in here forever."

>Twilight tilts her head, "but didn't Princess Celestia ask you to help me come outside?"

>You grab her face and mush it.

"Listen. To. Me. I'm NOT getting raped by a giant horse with pulsating muscles. And besides, we don't have to listen to Celestia because she's the head of the ESA, right?"

>Twilight nods with wide eyes.

 

>This was how you came to believe that life in Equestria was all one big conspiracy.

>Because everything sucked.