Episode 4: A Day at the Races

Episode 4: A Day at the Races

(Open with the final scene of episode 3 repeated)

Brad: Neighbor?

Norman: Yeah, Harshwhinny mentioned some new girl who transferred to our school to be closer to her friends from High School...

Brad: (Perking right up) A new girl, Bradical!

Norman: (Cringing) Goddamit...(opens the door to see Twilight  standing there) Purple! (Raucous applause from the Audience)

Brad: (Jumping up off the couch) Twily!

Twilight: Hello! (Gives Norman a hug)  I’m so happy to see both of you!

Norman: But why....when...how?

Twilight: Well...I was getting tired of taking three trains and two buses just to come and visit whenever I came over.

Norman: Oh, you mean all those times you would show up without asking?

Twilight: Yeah! (laughter) So I decided that I would transfer schools and then I would be near everyone.  It will be just like when we were all in Canterlot High!

Norman: So....everyone will hate me, I’ll be wrongly imprisoned, and some musician will want to kill me...Great. (Laughter)

Brad: Well, considering the cello player still wants to kill you I’d say you are well on pace...(Laughter)

Norman: Thanks for the support.

Brad: (Not noticing the sarcasm) No problem, Norm!

Norman: (Turning back to Twilight) Purple...its great to see you and all but how are you going to pay for this?  This isn’t exactly the cheapest complex in the world.

Twilight: It’s no problem, I got a job at the college library.  You’re looking at the newest Assistant to the Assistant Librarian.

Norman: Of course you did.

(Knock at the Door)

Brad: (Cowering a bit) See if its Harshwhinny. (Laughter)

Norman: I keep telling you, if anyone should be worried about her it is me. (opens the door and is basically run over by the other five of the Mane Six)

All: Twilight! (Running to hug her)

Twilight: Hello Girls!

Applejack: Aw...are we glad to see you sugarcube!

Rainbow Dash: The gang is together again!

Fluttershy: (Quietly) It’s great to see you again Twilight!  (Looking at Brad) H-Hello Brad, thanks for the curtains.

Brad: (Really Cowering in the corner now) H...H...Hey Fl-fluttershy...

Norman: (Walking up behind Pinkie) How did you guys know she was here?

Pinkie: a direct telepathic link with the writers...(laughter)

Norman: Eh?

Pinkie: She texted us....

Norman: Oh...

Pinkie: You know what this calls for,(Swift Scene Change as we see the apartment decorated for a party) A Party!

(Various scenes of partying occurring as we see everyone enjoying themselves.  Interspersed are scenes of Fluttershy trying to roofie a visibly freaked out Brad (laughter).  We see Norman and Rarity talking to one another)

Rarity: I am so happy to see Twilight bac with all of us again.

Norman: Yeah, I just wish wish Pink would have held Purple’s housewarming party, you know, at Purple’s apartment. (laughter)

Rarity:  The best part is that one of my clients gave me more tickets to the Derby...We can all go!

Norman: (Seems a bit Heartbroken as he realizes that he won’t be alone with Rarity) Thats...thats great.

Rarity: Oh, Darling, don’t seem so downtrodden, you’re going to love the suit I am working on for you.

Norman: (Seemingly recovers at being called “Darling”) I’m looking forward to it. (The two smile at each other)

(The scene changes to the end of the party.  Norman is ushering a somewhat disappointed Fluttershy out the door.)

Fluttershy: Brad doesn’t look so well...m-maybe I should stay the night and take care of him.

Norman: He’ll be fine I’ll take care of him.

Fluttershy: Is taking care of your roommate your feti...(Norman closes the door)

Norman: Goodnight, Yellow. (Laughter)

Brad: (Coming out from behind his R&R curtain by the window) Is she gone...?

Norman: Yeah the coast is clear. (There is a knock and Brad jumps back behind the curtain) (Laughter)

Norman: (opens the door to Harshwhinny) Oh...(nervously) Hello Ms. Harshwhinny.

Harshwhinny: (seems angry but still speaks in a singsong voice to Norman) Norman, I do hope you will be more quiet the next time you host a party...the only time I want that much noise is the next time we are together. (She winks and walks away)(laughter)

Norman: (A tad freaked out) Yes M’am....(Closes the Door)

(Brad starts to come out again only to duck back at another knock on the door) (laughter)

Norman: What now? (opens the door to see a clear cut young man in a white shirt, black tie and black pants.  He has a backpack on)

Young Man: Hello Brother!

Norman: Oh Gods!

Young Man: Have you heard the good news of the eight authors and their holy place on Mt. Skypia...

Norman: (Closes the Door on him) Screw it, I’m going to bed. (Laughter and end of scene)

 



(Scene 2: We open on a beautiful Saturday in the spring.  We see an exterior wide shot of a horse track. The sign over the main gate says “Canterlot Downs: Home of the Equestria Derby”.  We zoom in to see Norman and Brad just inside the gates.  Brad has on a black pinstriped suit with a matching fedora...he looks a bit like a 1920s gangster.  Norman is in a seersucker suit and looks a bit like the one Gregory Peck wore in “To Kill a Mockingbird”.  They are waiting for the girls)

Brad: Looking good, Norm!

Norman: Too be honest I feel kind of foolish, but Aryan Beauty made this for me so I am going to wear it with pride.

Random Voice of male student: (v/o off screen) Hey racist!  Looks like you sent your mom to Cox’s to get you a seersucker suit...too bad she went to Sears and got you that thing...(Laughter)

Norman: (Yelling) I am not a racist!  I am a melting pot of Friendship! (Laughter) (He notices Brad with a newspaper in his hands) What have you got there?

Brad: Racing Form....my granddad taught me how to read one when I was five...

Norman: Theres a role model. (Laughter)

Brad: Say what you will Norm, but I’ll let you in on a secret...I’m one of the best handicappers around...I have a system...by the end of the day, I’ll be swimming in money and women and it will be...wait for it...Bradical!

Norman: (Cringes, Laughter) Yeah...just don’t go spending the ren....(Stops as the girls enter, both stare)

(The girls are wearing dresses similar to what they wore to the dance although they have all added large hats to the ensembles.  They all look quite good)

Rarity: Norman, Darling....you look simply dashing in that suit...

Norman: (At a loss for words) Than.....Th.....Thank you....you’re the very vision of Aryan Beauty....(laughter)

Rarity: Sorry?

Norman:  Uh...the very vision of beauty!

Rarity: Well thank you Darling, shall we head in?

(as the group walks in, Twilight walks next to Norman)

Norman: Hello Purple.

Twilight: Hi Norman.  So what exactly are we doing here again?

Norman: It’s a horse race....a major one....part of the Quadruple Crown...

Twilight:  So the horses are racing for a crown?  (She claps her hands all excited)  I was a horse who competed for a crown once! (Laughter)

Norman: Yeah...I recall...anyways, the crown is more of a metaphor...if a horse can win the four races, it is said that they won the crown....there used to be only three races but then again, Florida used to be a state. (there is a moment of silence at this)

Brad: (Sighing) Poor Florida....(Laughter)

Twilight: Anyways...its a horse race, so it must be like the Wonderbolts Derby then.

Norman:  I have no clue what you are talking about but if it involves horses racing around an oval track then yes...yes it is.

Twilight: Oh!  This is going to be so much fun.

(Gilligan cut to everyone in the stands.  All seem to be having a great time except for Twilight)

Twilight: (Distraught) This is horrible.

Norman: What's wrong?  

Twilight: Everything!  These horses can’t be happy.  They have to run in this heat....they have to carry people on their backs....those people are whipping them...

Brad: Calm down, Twily....its going to be alright...these horses are born for this and love what they are doing?

Twilight: Can you speak horse?

Brad: Well...I...no...

Twilight: Exactly.  Didn’t this country fight a war against itself to stop things like this?!? (she gets up and leaves heading back through the mezzanine)

Brad: (Turning to Norman) Think she’ll be alright?

Norman: Yeah...she’ll be fine.  She is just shocked by the new experience is all.  How are you doing?

Brad: (Holds up two dollars with a smile on his face, happily although his twitching eye betrays him) Horrible! (Laughter)

Norman: You haven’t won a single bet?

Brad: (Still Happily) Nope.

Norman: So that puts you, what....twenty...thirty in the hole?

Brad: (matter of factly) one hundred and ninety-eight. (Laughter)

Norman: (Incredulous) I beg your pardon.

Brad: $198 in the hole...

Norman:Brad....how....thats...

Brad: Calm down Norman...calm down...I have two bucks left, I’ll put it on the 100 to 1 longshot in the Derby....look number 4: “Soon to be Alpo”...then, when he wins...I break even.

Norman: “Soon to be Alpo”....Thats real promising Brad... (Laughter) (Looks down the row) How are you doing Dash?

(The camera pans down to Dash who is sipping a mint julep.  There are piles and wads of cash stacked in front of her. (Laughter)  She lowers her sunglasses)

Dash: About 20% cooler than Brad is....and about $400 dollars better, too. (Laughter)

Brad: (Mouth agape) How?....tell me...what is your secret.....what does the racing form tell you that it isn’t telling me?

Dash: Racing form....I just go by the colors the jockeys are wearing.

Brad: Wh...what?!?(Proceeds to faint to the floor, Fluttershy drags him away)

Rarity: What a drama queen. (She and Norman laugh)

(Laughter to end the scene)

 



(Open on Scene Three inside the announcers booth at Canterlot Downs.  Gabby McShoutsalot is seen at his usual place as the track announcer.  He is dressed in a suit and tie with a lapel pin shaped like an old microphone.  He is middle-aged and speaks with a midlands English accent.)

Gabby: ...and its a beautiful day here at Canterlot Downs as we get ready for the 11th and final race of the day, the Crown Jewel of the Quadruple Crown, the Equestria Derby.  And here come the field of nine onto the track.

(There is a rise in cheering from the crowd as we see stock footage of the horses coming out to the call to the post.  We see a brief cut of Norman and Rarity cheering)

Gabby: Here is the field.  The one is Paul Revere, going off at 12-1.  Number two is Valentine, the favorite at 5-9.  He has won the first three races of the crown making him the first since Affirmed in 1978 to win the old Triple Crown.  Can he lock it up today?  We will know in the next two minutes.  The third horse is Epitaph who will break at 5-1.  Number four is truly a longshot, the 100-1 Soon to be Alpo, at the Preakness you may remember that he got lost and somehow ended up going down 97 South only to end up at Laurel racetrack, joined a race in progress...led by 14 lengths...and still finished last.  The number five is Hoof Hearted at 25-1.  Gate number six see Waltzen Matilda at 7-1.  Off at Number 7 is the second favorite, Chilly Club at 2-1.  The eight horse will be True Talk at 50-1 and the last horse is IWantToCumInDashie at 69-1. There you have it, the field for the Equestria Derby.  Post time, two minutes away.

(We cut back to Norman, Rarity, et al sans Brad, Fluttershy, and Twilight.  Fluttershy returns seeming rather happy followed by a very sheepish Brad)

Norman: (to Brad) Welcome back to the land of the living.  Did Fluttershy wake the princess.

Brad: (Annoyed) I don’t want to talk about it...(Laughter) Where’s Twily?

Norman: No idea...she hasn’t come back, maybe the bathroom or putting in a last minute bet.  

Rarity: Well she better hurry, otherwise she’ll miss the race.

(The Horses are seen being loaded)

Norman: (To Rarity) Well...let’s hope Paul Revere can win this for us.

Rarity: (Holding the Ticket) Darling, if the form says the horse can do, he can do.

Dash: Shame he’ll lose to the nine horse....

Norman: You do know what that horse name means right? (laughter)

(There is a bell and we see stock footage of a race underway.  Throughout we get cuts interspersed of the main characters cheering, Gabby announcing, and the race)

Gabby: (v/o) Aaand Aaway they go...breaking incredibly slow from the gate is Soon to Be Alpo...its almost as though he didn’t even hear the bell. (The camera cuts to a clearly distraught Brad, laughter) Paul Revere breaking quickly from the gate assumes an early lead.  Following on are Walten Matilda and Epitaph.  Fourth is Chilly Club and True Talk battling gamely.  Two lengths back to Valentine and Hoof Hearted.  Then comes IWantToCumInDashie and all the way back, about 20 lengths is the trailer, Soon To Be Alpo.  The half goes in 23 and a quarter.  Down the backstretch it is still Paul Revere facing some challenge by Epitaph and Chilly Club.

Norman: I can’t believe Twilight is missing this...

Rarity: It truly is a shame...on the other hand we might win!

Gabby: And here comes Valentine making moves up to the front, Gutierrez seems to be telling him that now is the time to go and he seems to agree, along comes IWantToComeInDashie...(His speech has been getting more and more nasally and stuffy sounding) And as we hit the top of the stretch.... (We cut to a very stuffed up Gabby in the Booth) IWantToCumInDashie is coming on strong....(we see only a Purple hand give him a handkerchief) Thank you, miss. (He inhales deeply to blow his nose only to pass out)

(Back outside the race continues but it has become silent from the booth...people are beginning to turn and look at the booth to see if something has gone wrong)

Norman: Isn’t it odd that the announcer stopped?

Brad: Who cares!  I’m going to the poorhouse...

Norman: Calm down, you’ll just need to actually work in the curtain busine...

(All cringe as there is feedback from the mic)

Twilight: He...Hello?

Norman and Brad in Unison: Purple/Twily?

Twilight: I....I have a dream, that one day my brothers and sisters will stand up to the tyranny of their jockey overlords...I have a dream today....that one day we can all live in peace and harmony.  That someday horse and man can work together as equals for a greater tomorrow.

(The crowd is staring, mouths agape, at the booth trying to figure out what is going on.  Norman simply has his head cradled in his hands)

Norman: Goddamnit Purple! (laughter)

Twilight: (continues) and when that day I dreamed of comes, we will let freedom ring!  Let Freedom Ring from the tall buildings of Manehattan.  Let Freedom Ring from the Liberty Bell of Fillydelphia.  Let Freedom Ring from the hills of Los Pegasus. And when we hear freedom’s ring, will be able to live in the words of an old song, Free at last, Free at last, thank Celestia almighty, we are free at last!

(There is stunned silence as even the horses have stopped running, Norman raises his head from his hands and we zoom in on his face, we quick cut zoom out and he is in his apartment with Brad watching the news, we join the report in progress)

Reporter:....terror today at the Equestria Derby as an Extremist animal rights protester took command of the microphone during the Equestria Derby.  The race descended into chaos as the horses threw their riders and charged the stands.

(we see Lyra being interviewed, she has bandages and is crying)

Lyra: It...it was as though they could understand what that girl on the microphone was saying....it was like a revolution..I used to love horses...I don’t know what to think anymore (uncontrollable sobbing).

Reporter: The only horse to finish the race was Soon to be Alpo who crossed the line 3 hours after the race had begun, seemingly too late to join the attack of his fellow horses(Laughter)...It is unknown where the protester has gone, Police say she seemingly teleported away and could not be found...After the break, how holding a baby could give you cancer (click)

Brad: Well...at least I broke even. (Laughter)

Norman: Hey, Purple?

Twilight: (Emerges from behind the couch where she has been hiding) Yeah Norman?

Norman: You may want to lay low for awhile....you're a wanted woman.  Also, don’t go around using Brad’s Chloroform....you don’t want to emulate him. (Laughter)

Twilight: (dejected) Okay....(End of scene)

 

Credits Scene: (Open on the apartment, we see Dash leaving after a poker game...she is having trouble carrying all of the cash that she has won)

Dash: Thanks for the game chumps...(closes door)

Brad: (depressed) There goes all my money I made back....you know what this means Norman?

Norman: That you have a problem and should work to fix it?

Brad: No...it means I’m going to have to actually work with you and earn money instead of doing what I love. (Laughter)

Fluttershy: (Has been at the table and quiet this entire time) W...well we can always play strip poker...if thats your fetish...

Brad and Norman: Fucking Fluttershy. (laughter) (End of Episode)

 

Next Episode: Tooth or Consequences