Title: Episode 1: Pilot Author: SitcomAnon Pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/bacjRgLR First Edit: Friday 19th of July 2013 10:14:55 PM CDT Last Edit: Friday 19th of July 2013 10:14:55 PM CDT (Scene: An apartment common room Enter Norman through the front door) Norman: I'm home....Brad? Brad, you here? (Goes to the couch and sees a girl passed out, bound and gagged on it. Norman proceeds to move her enough so that he can sit down) Norman: I wish he would stop bringing his work home with him. (Laughter) (Enter Brad sliding through the front door much like Kramer) Brad: Bradical!!! (Audience laughter and applause) Norman: There you are!  And where, pray tell, have you been? Brad:  Just out getting some air, I’ve had a busy day today. Norman:(Looking at the girl on the couch) I can tell... Brad: (Noticing the girl) Ah, about that, Norman allow me to introduce you to Sunset Shimmer. Norman:(Takes her hand, which is rather limp due to being knocked out, and shakes it) Charmed, I’m sure...(lets it drop back to the couch with an audible “thud”). (Laughter)  Listen, Brad..we need to talk, we can’t have you bringing these girls home with you. Brad: (surprised) But I don’t complain when you bring Twilight over. Norman: The difference is I don’t invite Twilight over, she just comes over with no care for my own free will. Brad: Well thats not too different than what I do then. Norman: How can you possibly justify that? Brad: I never invite these girls over and bring them here with no care for their own free will. (laughter) Norman:  Still, I just can’t live in the same apartment with you if all you are ever going to do is bring girls over and rape them.  I just can’t continue to do it with good conscience. Brad: Well when you put it that way....I guess I can let you in on my new plan.   Norman: Oh God.... Brad: Think of it, Norm!  You and me go into business together.... Norman:  What could we possibly do together. Brad:  Curtain salesmen. Norman: I beg your pardon? Brad: We go door to door selling curtains.  We meet the lady of the house.  We get invited in, you do all the fancy stuff, you know, act like you’re taking measurements and all.  Meanwhile, I give her the D.... Norman: No...no no no. Brad: What, I give her the drapes.... Norman: Oh...oh well thats not so bad then.  I’m proud of you, you really wanna go on the straight and narro... Brad: (Interrupting) The d is silent. (Laughter) Norman: I deplore you.... Brad: (Picking up Sunset Shimmer, heads toward his room) Tell you what, I’ll let you think about it. Norman: Where are you going? Brad: To see if the drapes match the carpet. (Laughter) (End of Scene 1)         (Scene 2: Brad and Norman are standing outside the door to a house.  Both are wearing white coveralls and are carrying toolboxes.  They look like a couple of handymen) Brad: Listen, let me do all the talking, you just take care of the measurements and all. Norman: Yeah yeah.  Just remember: I’m only doing this so you stop doing ungodly things in our apartment. Brad: Bradical!  (Norman cringes a bit at this.  Audience Laughter)  Lets get started then! (Knocks on the door.  It is answered by a girl around the same age as Brad and Norman.  She has teal colored skin and is wearing a shirt with a tennis ball on it.) Lyra: Can I help you. Brad: Hello miss, are you the lady of the house? Lyra:  Well, yes, my roommate is out right now so I guess I am. Brad: Well we are from R & R Curtain service. We sell curtains door to door and we we’re wondering if we could come in and show you some of our wares Miss... Lyra: (Holding out hand) It’s Lyra. Brad: Lyra...Lyra, a beautiful name (shoots her a smile that may or may not have a special effects shine and “ting” sfx added to it). Lyra: Thank you.  Well, our curtains are a little drab and could use and update, please come in.  I’ll make some tea. (all enter the house as Lyra goes into the kitchen) Norman: R&R Curtain Service? Brad: Yeah, Racist and Rapist. Norman: (Whispering in a loud and agitated manner) I am not a racist, I am a melting pot of friendship. (Laughter) Brad: Yeah well, until we use up these 250 business cards I got for free, we are R&R. Norman: Wow, 250....at the rate you go that means we will have to wait a whole week. (laughter) Brad: Whatever, just get to work and start measuring the windows. Norman: (Pulling out tools) Alright, alright. Lyra: (From the kitchen) Do you have any curtains with horses or ponies on them. Brad: Sorry?   Lyra: Horses or ponies...I LOVE them!!! Brad:  Ah...well if you come in here and look at some of these swatches, I am sure you will find something you love. (Lyra enter with the tea and begins thumbing through swatch books Brad has put out on the dining room table) Lyra: These are nice. Brad: Only the best quality from R&R. (his back is to the camera but we see him pulling out a bottle of something from his tool box) Lyra: None with horses though. Brad: (Comes up behind her with a piece of fabric it has horses on it) What about this one. (He holds it in front of her). Lyra: Oh!  Thats Perfec.... (Brad puts the fabric over her mouth and nose and knocks her out.  He hefts her like a bag of potatoes and carries her toward her room) Brad: Be out in a few hour Norman. Norman: Oh god, what are you going to do. Brad:  Well, she likes ponies...might as well give her a ride and make her a little hoarse. (Laughter) (Door closes, Norman sits on the couch) Norman: Welp, may as well see if they get HBO. (Laughter) (End of Scene)   (Scene 3)  (we come up on the interior of Brad and Norman apartment, running footsteps are getting closer from down the hall.  The two explode into their common room slamming and locking the door.  They are still dressed as before and carrying the tools but both look disheveled and out of breath from running) Norman:  What the hell, man!!! Brad: That was totally Bradical! Norman: (cringing.  laughter) What happened. Brad: Well, I wasn’t expecting her roommate to come home...or at all for that matter.  What happened to the plan, Norman? Norman: Plan!?  What Plan?!?  Our plan consisted of go in, me looking busy, and you doing unspeakable acts.  It never included what to do if some girls roommat... Brad: Lover... Norman: Lover came home in the midd....Lover!? (laughter) Brad:  Yeah, turns out those two bat for the other team.... Norman: Damn! Brad: Oh yeah! (laughter)  Anyways, the least you could have done was warn me. Norman: Sorry...I was really into this episode of Band of Brothers and I didn’t hear her come in... Brad:  Yeah, but you should have learned from the series that you don’t let your brothers get stuck in a dangerous situation. Norman: But the 101st airborne wasn’t running around raping everything in site. Brad: Tell that to the wehrmacht circa 1945...(Laughter). (There is a knock at the door and both men tense up.) Norman: Shit...the cops....game over man, game over. Brad: Calm down, calm down...we didn’t leave any evidence, let me check the peephole (looks through) Shit! Norman: The cops!? Brad: No....Harshwhinny, the landlord! Norman: Thats even worse! (Laughter) Brad: What could she want? Norman: Its the first of the month....probably the rent. Brad: Fine, so we give her the rent and she leaves. Norman: Oh, you mean the rent we were supposed to make at real jobs as opposed to opening a fake curtain business to cover your rape. Brad: Man...the police would be a better alternative...(laughter)  Alright let her in and keep her busy, I will think of something. (Norman opens the door. Enter Harshwhinny, a middleaged women.  Very strict, there is some beauty to her but she is kind of the epitome of an old-maid type character) Harshwhinny: Norman.....I’ve come for the rent. Norman: Oh yes...of course you have, what with it being the first of the month and all. Harshwhinny: And where is Brad? Norman (Nervous): Brad....Out...he went out, you know him, always out and about. (Brad has reappeared and is sneaking up on Harshwhinny.  Norman notices and watches him over her shoulder.  She notices and starts to turn.) Norman: (Panicking, he grabs Harshwhinny and kisses her deeply in an attempt to distract her) (He lets go just in time for Brad to knock her out with some chloroform) Brad: I didn’t think you had it in you....maybe I should start making racial slurs and we can switch names on the business card. Norman:  I need a drink...(notices Brad carrying Harshwhinny toward his room) What are you doing? Brad: Rent Control.... (Laughter). (End of Scene)