Samantha's Equestrian Edit

Authors notes: This is my first fic EVER, so please, be gentle.

[Editor's Note: I was not.]

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You are woken with a startling surprise. You are laying in a large field, menacing looking trees surrounding you. [Y]ou get up on to your two feet and notice you're naked, your boobs flop[ing] around in front of you.

 

"What the hell is going on here[," you ask to noone.]

 

[Weak. Very weak. You are lying in a FIELD, SURROUNDED by TREES; that sentence invokes the image of 10 trees just standing alone in grassy plains. Try to put more/better detail into setting before moving on. You are, after all, setting up the whole fic with this paragraph. Next, I'm a guy, but even I don't think the thing you'd notice about getting up is your tits flopping everywhere. As it is, it's just awkward and childish.]

 

Before you can move, a monstrous beast jumps out from the forest near you. It's a large white pony, but not any normal pony[;] it has wings, and a horn. You start running [but] feel your feet pounding against the dirt no more. You're levitating!

 

"Hey! Put me down!" You scream, trying to sound menacing but letting [through] a small amount of fear. Surprisingly, the large pony is warmly smiling at you.

 

[Your descriptions are fairly non-descript. Try to extend and liven them up when not focusing on other things. REMEMBER THE THREE BASIC STATES OF WRITING(as I know it): DIALOUGE, ACTION, AND DESCRIPTION. Celestia as she is looks pretty far from Earth ponies and more like a bright white horse. The noticing of the wings and horn are undramatic and elicit little emotion. This is a better format: "'Hey! Put me down,' you scream trying to sound menacing, but showing a small amount of fear." Another problem here is that you're telling, not showing. Excessive telling is boring and doesn't help bring the reader into the story.]

 

"Do not fear, new creature, I am not here to hurt you," she says. Wait... this...pony like thing is TALKING.

 

"Uh... umm... w-w-well." You stutter. She lowers you to the ground. You sit down.

 

"Alright my young friend, how did you get here[," s]he asks.

 

"This may sound weird, but..." You go into a long story for some other time.

 

"That is a bit weird[. W]ell, what[']s your name?"

 

"Samantha Rodgers."

 

[The dialouge is pretty tame considering a TALKING HORSE just lifted her with MAGIC, while she was NAKED, ALONE. Skipping the backstory? For fucking shame! The reader can deal with anything you throw at them because they can always skip it, but not telling negates any choice of theirs.]

 

"I've never heard of a name like that[. W]ell Samantha, you appear to have been transported to the land of Equestria[.] I am Princess Cel[es]tia." You bow immediately, used to it from your home in England, being one of the Queens closest friends in 2056.

 

"No need to be so formal, I hate it when other ponies always see me as better than themselves[.] I'm nothing special."

 

"But[] you are something special[. Y]ou're a princess[. W]ho is the Queen here?" Celestia gets a pained expression on her face. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

 

"No, it's fine, there is no queen here[;] she disappeared over 1000 years ago."

 

"Oh my, what happened?"

 

"There was a foreseen evil that was rising, planning on over throwing her, but they never expected the Princess to be so powerful, I had power that could rival my mother's, I never showed it until that day. Many ponies tried to get me to become queen, but I denied it because I hope to have that spot open in case of my mother's return."

 

[Wow. Wooow. Okay, one sentence at a time. You blow over the fact that she's from 2056, AND the fact that she's a close friend of the Queen pretty damn fast. Seriously, don't mention it as a throwaway detail; it's all important backstory that gives her personality. Also, it hasn't been England in a looong time. Celestia has fanon-personality, so I'll skip her for now. Next, it's CANON that there is no queen. There are/were only princesses. And that story about NMM is a mess in terms of how you presented it. Here's a quick rewrite:

"There was a great evil we had seen coming that wished to take Equestria for itself. We may have known of its presence, but its strength is what truly surprised us. It was able to defeat Mother quickly. What was not expected by anypony that day was my own power, which nearly equaled that of mother's. Since then many ponies have tried to crown me queen, but I always deny them. After all, Mother might be back... someday."

Nice and clean.]

 

"Wow," you say. A cool breeze blows through and you begin shivering.

 

"Are you cold? Why don't you have fur to keep you warm?"

 

"[We] humans are born without fur, so we make up for it with clothing."

 

"Oh, I know where I can get clothes for you[. F]ollow me[," s]he says, rising to her hooves[. Y]ou rise to our feet along side her and you come across a small looking town. As you walk through the town square, many ponies are looking at you, some in disgust, some in confusion, and even others in excitement, hoping to meet you and become friends.

 

You and the [P]rincess reach a clothing store call[ed] "Carousel Boutique" and [g]o inside to see a white unicorn with a purple mane bowing before the Princess before getting back up.

 

"My dear Rarity, I have a favor to ask of you." [NEW PARAGRAPH]

 

The young unicorn's eyes light up. "Of course Princess, anything you wish."

 

"I need you to make clothing for my new friend here." [NEW PARAGRAPH]

 

[Rarity] walks around you, looking at you. "I'll see what I can do Princess, thank you for coming to me, I'm always in the mood for a new customer"

 

[Ow ow ow. This isn't... *sigh*. Celestia would probably know about beings without fur. Even ponies would wear clothing to protect against weather(scarves, galoshes, Rarity's umbrella setup). How do they even get to Ponyville? They just... come across it? No action about leaving the forest or noticing it from a distance? Ponyville's reactions to both the Princess and Samantha are glossed over and Samantha's own reaction is non-existant. Rarity seems similarly underwhelmed; after an unexpected visit from the Princess and and alien being being presented to her for fitting, she should be on the verge of hyperventilating with euphoria/stress(being melodramatic Rarity and all). Instead, it's business as usual and Samantha is just another customer.]

 

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A few hours later...

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You leave the boutique with a very warm[] and stylish[] bunch of clothing and see Celestia surrounded by a large group of ponies[] asking questions and trying to get autographs.

 

"Samantha! You look good, let's head out[," s]he yells, taking to the air to get out of the crowd. You and her walk away[] after desperately trying to get the crowd to leave, and head over to a nice looking house. "This is where you will be living for now Samantha[.] I hope it works well for you[.] I'm sorry I have to go so soon[;] I have been told I have urgent business in Canterlot, I bid you adieu." She walks away and hops onto a carriage, which takes off into the sky.

 

You enter your house, which is a very nice cottage, and head to your room to find a box on the bed. You open the box and an entire pink pony jumps out of it.

 

"HIIII! My names Pinkie Pie! Who are you? What are you?"

 

"Uhh... I'm Samantha and I'm a human."

 

"A human? I've never met a human before and that means you must be the first human here, which means you're new! Time for a PARTY!" Within seconds there's a large party inside your house.

 

[This is very brief. You don't explain much, instead opting to just say what happened. Boring and detached, at least here. At least now we see some serious reaction to Celestia's presence. Why does Celestia just walk up to a house and delare it Samantha's? That's inconsiderate both to the pony who owns it AND Samantha. WHY THE FUCK IS PINKIE PIE JUST NOW NOTICING SUCH A BIG ATTRACTION IN TOWN. I dunno why, but that pisses me off badly. How the hell did a party form so fast even with Pinkie sitting right there? Wouldn't ponies be turned away by the fact that there's a weird thing walking around town and living in somepony's house?]

 

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Even more hours later

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You're now full blown [P]onyvillian[. D]ancing in the middle of the room, you see a big red stallion and walk over to him.

 

"Hi! How do you like the party?" You ask.

 

"It's mighty fine, thanks for asking." He says in a [Texan] drawl.

 

"What's your name?"

 

"Big M[a]cIntosh, and you are?"

 

"Samantha."

 

"Nice ta meet ya Samantha."

 

"Umm M[a]cIntosh, I ha[ve] a question."

 

"What would that be?"

 

"Umm, can I ride you?" [NEW PARAGRAPH]

 

He blushes furiously. "Uh, well, we j-just met..." You realize he thinks it's something sexual.

 

"Oh, nononono, not like THAT kind of riding, I just wanted to get on your back and ride you like that..."

 

"Oh, ah see what ya mean now, well, that'd be fine, follow me." He says, walking outside. "Alright, hop on." You get on his back and put your arms around his neck. He starts trotting until he reaches an open field. He begins to pick up speed and soon he's galloping at top speed. After a few minutes he stop[s] inside of an old dusty barn.

 

"That was amazing, thank you M[a]cIntosh." You hug him.

 

"You can call me Mac, care fer some hard cider?"

 

"Oh, sure. I didn't realize ponies drink alcohol." [NEW PARAGRAPH]

 

He hands you a bottle. "Well then you have a lot to learn about ponies."

 

[To be honest, there isn't TOO much wrongness here. It's just coming off as awkward and inexperienced. Even in Equestria, I doubt someone as alien as Samantha would be totally accepted in the span of a single party. The dialouge is meh until you hit the riding. If Samantha was curious about riding, she would either ask Celestia before she left or ask one of the friends she meets in Ponyville. Even with the relaxed attitude ponies have about being rode on, it's weird to have someone ask for a ride out of nowhere. If the ride through the fields was meant to be a bonding experience, it was too short to be effective.]

 

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1 hour later

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You're laying naked on a bale of hay, Mac hungrily eating you out. Alcohol is a hell of a drink. You'[re] moaning and wiggling in sweaty passion as Mac's broad tongue rolls over your intimate area.

 

"Oh god [M]ac, I need you inside of me NOW."

 

"Eeyup[, h]e says, getting face to face with you. You feel a tip touch against your delicate folds and you hold your breath as you feel it push deeper inside of you. You exhale and it comes out as a shaky moan. You see why they call him Big [M]ac. ( overused joke is overused )He takes it to the hilt surprisingly and starts thrusting in and out. You remember your first time and how tight it was[. T]hat was nothing compared to this.

 

"Jesus[,] Mac, you're so big."

 

"E-Eeyup" You can feel him twitching inside you and you know he's close.

 

"M-Mac"

 

"Yeah Sam?"

 

"Y-You can cum inside if you want to."

 

"Alright then." Without warning he spills his seed inside of you, coating your insides with the sticky substance. Feeling it drip out of you slowly, you cum harder than you ever in your natural life. You release a fountain of juices, leaving a puddle below you. You fall asleep and [M]ac carries you into the house and sets you in the guest bedroom.

 

[AND THEN THEY FUCKED. The sex is quick, flat, and unsatisfying. There's no build up, no teasing, no foreplay. The joke about overused jokes pulls the reader away from the story if they were close at all. The sex is over just as people would start to clop, and you end it creepily. "You can cum inside?" Oh god, what? What? Would you ask a lover to slap you to orgasm on the night you meet? NO! IT'S CREEPY. Cumming inside is a thing of trust, love, and sometimes lust. As a final note, since the story has been a second-person perspective, you should NOT change that like you did with Mac's actions. You shouldn't even change the limiting viewpoint without a transition.]

 

END OF CHAPTER 1

 

[       This whole thing reeks of underdevelopment due to lack of thought. Plotholes and OOC behavior abounds. If you need help with any more fiction, I'd be glad to help.]