- >>You can't believe this asshole actually commissioned a pinkie party
- >>The very thought makes you want to blow chunks
- >>The sun was going down
- >>It was just an hour before the kick off, and if you wanted until after then, everyone would be around Lyra
- >>After that, it would be one hundred per-cent impossibru
- >>You cut it close
- >>Way too close
- >>But by Celestia, you had to get this done
- >>And you had to get this done tonight
- >>You told BonBon that you were going for a walk to clear your head
- >>Your temper ran high
- >>You were a lot more profane than normal
- >>But that wasn't your fault
- >>You were armed with your saddle bag
- >>Your wits
- >>And the righteous fury of friendship, motherfucker
- >>All the pieces fell in place
- >>There would be no escape for Lyra, that body snatching bitch
- >>Tonight
- >>You and her
- >>Final destination
- >>Let's do this
- >>You weren't Applejack. You weren't going to buck down any doors.
- >>Instead, you were going to handle this like a classy gentleman
- >>You walked right up to the front door
- >>Pounded on it with your marshmallow hoof
- >>And plugged the peephole
- >>You could hear movement on the other side of the door
- >>But the door never opened
- >>You furrowed your brows and made an annoyed face before you knocked again
- >>“...Who's there?”
- >>You weren't Applejack. You weren't going to buck down any doors.
- >>Instead, you were going to handle this like a classy gentleman
- >>You walked right up to the front door
- >>Pounded on it with your marshmallow hoof
- >>And plugged the peephole
- >>You could hear movement on the other side of the door
- >>But the door never opened
- >>You furrowed your brows and made an annoyed face before you knocked again
- >>“...Who's there?”
- >>God, hearing your own voice talk to you was always disturbing
- >>But you planned for this contingency
- >>You drew in a big breath
- Well hey hey, SUGARQUEWB! It's your ol' pal, Applejack! Jus' wanted ta spend some time with ya'll before the big party!
- >>You rehearsed this
- >>It wasn't spot on, but your knowledge of southern accents combined with Lyra's vocal cords produced a close-enough replication of Applejack
- >>“...Are you gonna rape me?”
- >>This motherfucker!
- Awh, heck no! Why would ya ask that? Besides, darlin', if'n ah wanted ta rape ya you think I’d knock?
- >>There was silence for just a moment
- >>Then you could hear the locks start to open
- >>First were the two bar locks
- >>And then the padlock
- >>Good, hurry the hell up, Lyra
- >>“...I forgot the combination to my combination lock”
- 4-4-9
- >>“HAH!”
- >>It takes you a second before your ears drop
- ...
- >>GOD
- >>DAMMIT
- >>You jump to the large window near your front door and rear your hind legs before bucking it off of its railing
- >>It falls inward and shatters on the floor
- >>“What the?!”
- >>You jump inside and bare your teeth, looking to and fro
- >>Lyra retreats up the stairs
- >>But now you're on home turf
- >>You know this place like the back of your hand
- >>You had to, for how many times it's been invaded by Applejack
- Not so fast!
- >>You follow her right up the stairs
- >>Her dumb ass tries to hide in the bath tub
- >>But you're behind her the whole way
- >>The second she turns around, you are right there to give her a hoof to the face
- >>She collapses, her consciousness done and gone for now
- >>Lyra comes around
- >>But you aren't worried. She struggles, find herself trapped in a chair with multiple layers of rope binding her
- >>The cellar of your home makes an adequate place for a ritual like this
- >>The whole thing is illuminated by an array of wax candles
- >>You had just finished chalking a circle around her, making sure the diagram is just like it was in her book
- >>You spit the stick of chalk out of your mouth and lash your tongue out
- Eych! Freakin' hooves.
- >>She tries to speak, but you gagged her with tightly bound cloth
- >>Felt awkward while you did it, too. Like you were getting ready to rape yourself
- >>Confound these ponies
- >>You storm over to the spell book on the work bench, hop up onto a stool, and hoof through the passages
- I should have done this a long time ago, Lyra. I'm taking my body back the same way you took it from me.
- >>Your mane was messy, out of sorts with curls sticking out from the mass of hair
- >>But you didn't care. It wouldn't be your problem in a second
- >>Having learned what you needed, you walk over to where you left your saddle bag and disengage the lock, pouring the contents
- >>It's an array of glass phials, corked, and filled with many different colors of liquid
- >>You afford Lyra a psychotic glance as you pace back and forth between them and the book
- You may be a learned alchemist, but I was a bachelor for... too many years.
- Friendship is magic.
- Mixing drinks is not.
- >>Lyra rocks in the chair, trying to get free
- >>“Mmmf!”
- >>You tilt your head back, give a crazy laugh, and then throw your head back down to look at her
- Oh! You'll find that to be quite useless!
- >>You exclaim, mimicking her words to you on that faithful night
- >>After getting the correct measurements, you go about your work
- >>With difficulty
- >>You drop a phial before you manage to get the cork open
- >>Thankfuly it does not break
- Gah! Freakin' HOOVES!
- >>Lyra laughs at you through her gag
- Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up! Losing your hands is going to be the least of your problems when this is done.
- >>You hastily mix the potion to the best of your ability, and then you draw up a knife in your teeth
- >>You quickly run it across your arm, and then wring a few drops of blood from the wound into the phial
- >>It starts to react
- >>You make your way over to Lyra
- Oh yeah, you remember this part, don't you?
- >>You say, maintaining a psychotic smile
- >>With the knife in your teeth, you saunter up and run it across the leg of your former body
- >>Lyra cringes from the pain and muffles a groan through her gag
- >>With a wound open, you grab the potion and make your way back, scooping a trail of blood into the mix
- >>You are really, REALLY getting tired of your head being sideways to hold the potion in your teeth
- >>Invigorated by the thought that you would soon have your good old body back, you climb yp the tied up Lyra, scoop the gag out, and jam the phial into her mouth
- Drink!
- >>You command
- >>She was taken by surprised and the solution leaked down her throat
- >>You clasped the phial between your hooves and pulled it from her mouth, hopping down from her lap and landing on your hind hooves
- >>“Look, look! Lyra...!”
- >>You look over your equine shoulder
- What the hell did you call me?!
- >>She bit her lower lip
- >>“I'm sorry! Listen, we can deal. I'm not supposed to be a pony! The stars tell me that I'm a human! I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG BODY!”
- >>You pause
- >>Glare at her for a minute
- That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard
- >>“But...!”
- >>You turn to face her
- Shut up! You have a wonderful woman
- Er,
- You have a wonderful little psycho butch in BonBon, who loves you with all of her freaky-deeky lesbian heart.
- >>Lyra falls silent, not sure how to answer
- Now YOU'RE going to give me my body back, go home, and have freaky-deeky animal sex with her and leave me the hell alone!
- >>“...She never understood me. The stars tell me...!”
- Just shut the hell up and let's do this.
- >>You cackle like a mad scientist
- >>Lyra shuts her eyes, which in just a moment will become your eyes once again
- >>You down the potion, experiencing that fowl taste again
- >>And once the deed is done, you throw the phial down where it shatters
- >>Alright. Body, here I come!
- >>You brace yourself
- >>She braces herself
- >>Lyra pries one eye open
- >>“...Well?”
- What the hell? I did everything the book says!
- >>Lyra starts laughing
- >>“Oh ho! So you never DID figure out unicorn magic!”
- >>You growl at her
- I did EXACTLY what that book said!
- >>You jab a hoof towards the book
- >>“All rituals such as this require you to cast a trigger spell to initiate the reaction”
- >>“You idiot!”
- >>She goes into a fit of insane, high-pitched laughter
- >>You grind your teeth in frustration, brows furrowing deeply
- >>You take up the knife again and move over to her, propping your forelegs into her lap and poising the blade against her neck
- Teul ve ow tvu catht lhe fpell!
- >>She chuckles at you
- >>“Ha ha! Or you'll what, my dear Lyra?”
- Dvon't thuck wiff ve!
- >>Just then, you hear hoofbeats approaching
- >>“Anon? You hear? Your window's wrecked, dude.”
- >>“Hey, pardner? Ya 'round?”
- >>Oh, Celestia dammit
- >>Before you can react, a set of orange hooves descend down the stair way followed by a set of blue hooves
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The Story That Never Was - Chapter 29
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