It's teribble innit

One of Anon's favorite time wasters was watching ponies. It usually brought a sensible smile to Anon's face, although it wasn't all that entertaining. There was just this special family-like quality in interactions between ponies, even if they weren't related. There was a relationship even between a shop keeper and a postmare. Perhaps that was inevitable in a town as small as Ponyville.

 

One especially boring day, Anon decided to go seeking for more. It wasn't very hard finding such little talks and exchanges, but today, Anon decided to go sit down at the school house. He hasn't seen any little fillies frolicking in the sun-lit grass for some time, he had thought. On the way there he could see pairs and groups of fillies coming from the direction of his destination. They were happily chirping to each other, mostly something about a "celebration" and "school project" or such and so, as Anon overheard some of their conversations. Every one of the fillies were carrying their school bags, chock full of books and lunch boxes and little trinkets to play and toy around with. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo passed by Anon, proposing ways of acquiring their cutiemarks, such as "motorboating", "tooting" and "revolution". Anon snickered to himself, hoping they were really talking about something else. Though even Anon, this wonderful, proper and honest man, caught himself imagining obscene scenes that these words might entail.

 

Once at the school house, he could see Cheerilee checking some paperwork and writing together some kind of list. She was smiling as though paperwork was the best thing since sliced butter. Anon never understood that mare, how could she even stand all these fillies for months on end. The fillies were nice and all, but Anon imagined them being much, much worse in a large group. Maybe Cheerilee has some secrets, some unknown methods... or she's actually pleasuring herself while doing the homework. Yeah. She's got that look. Goddammit.

 

Walking on to the school house's back yard, Anon could see a few fillies still hanging out. A few fillies in a group, chattering about X and Y and their Z and Y2. No, really, they were talking about exponents. Anon could see Dinky look off into the distance with a slight look of worry on her little face. She was standing completely still, looking in a different direction every few seconds. Anon left the clearly wrong thoughts out. She's clearly just waiting for her mother.

 

In another part of the yard there was Twist, looking at at her mirror with an angry expression. She kept poking and pulling parts of her hair apart, clearly trying to untangle the mess. After a few moments, Twist quietly gnarled, carefully dropped her mirror, stood up and began viciously hoofing at her tangled hair. Anon grinned like a motherfucker, and though of Twist writing a letter to Princess Celestia about her hair, for some reason.

 

The last two ponies on the yard were Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. DT had the usual crown atop her head, and they were both chatting it up, occasionally pointing at other ponies and snickering to each other. At one moment, they even pointed at Anon and started laughing so loud, even Twist looked over. 'What a pair of little faggots. You'll teach'em one day, you're certain of it, maybe give them a lesson of the fourth alphabetical magnitude.'

 

After a few seconds, Diamong Tiara noticed Anon attempting to replicate an angry Macho Man's stare, after which she quickly stopped laughing, adopted the most unnerved look and fell over like a toppled wood figurine. Silver Spoon kept laughing for a few more seconds before she noticed DT stopped, then she looked down and fell as well. Anon smiled and congratulated himself on his expert stare. The stare might have had the side-effect of downing everyone else on the yard, even including Cheerilee in the building (which might have just had her climax scared away), and miraculously straightening out Twist's mane, however.

 

Even trough the possible murder of nine ponies, Anon leaned against the fence and waited for something to happen. Every pony lifted themselves up after a little while and rather did not comment on the whole ordeal, even Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon just started talking about Applebloom's butt. Twist got up only after a whole half a minute, shaking herself up after standing up. Once she got completely to her senses, she released a happy shriek as she examined her now straight 'n' sexy hair. Damn, she's real hot now. Anon briefly thought about the consent age in Equestria, but quickly stopped and instead promised himself to ask Twilight or the Mayor about it. Or even Cheerilee, after she's not preoccupied. For now, Anon will remain at the pretty solid ruling of "not low enough".

 

After three or so minutes, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon seemed to cautiously sneak inside the school house, constantly looking over their shoulders to make sure Anon remains where they are. Anon quickly changed position to keep watching them through the door, first making sure that they aren't looking over any more. This might be juicy.

 

Once Anon changed his position, he spotted a pegasi flying towards the school house from the distance. He couldn't discern exactly who it was, but he recognized them being grey. Anon looked back inside after a bit off squinting, instead watching DT and SS. He made a little dish out of his hand next to his ear so he could hear them better, and it worked.

 

"So, you said you've got something for me. What is it, what is it?"

Silver Spoon jumped lightly from side to side a few times.

 

"Don't get too excited. It's on its way."

Diamond Tiara was busy rummaging through her bag, which was now sitting on the floor. She took out a few books before her face lit up and she took out a fairly large, brown package which hung down sloppily at the edges. She held it in her hoof, away from Spoon.

 

"Now, thank me first. I'm doing this just because it's your birthday. Oh... and because you're my friend, I guess."

 

"Oh, oh, thank you, Dad- I mean, D-Diamond Tiara! I- appreciate you SO much for giving me this!"

SS almost tipped over trying to get the package.

 

"I didn't even give it to you just yet, Spoon. Don't drink a soda before you even buy it!"

DT pushed Spoon off and made her sit.

 

"Oh, yes, sorry Diamond Tiara. I got a bit too excited. Can you pleaaaaase give it to me, now?"

Spoon pulled a kind of puppy face, though it was somewhat grotesque due to all the front leg stretching.

 

"Alright, then. Just don't rip it up."

DT slowly gave the package to Spoon, which snatched it out of her hoof and started removing the string. After five seconds or so, Silver Spoon extracted what appeared to be a tiara. Spoon gasped and held up the tiara in the air, carefully examining its every detail. Anon also noticed that it wasn't just any tiara. It was a diamon tiara, funnily enough. Diamond Tiara really does have a sense of humor, though sometimes cruel.

Spoon squeaked a "THANK YOU!" at Tiara and began hugging her very cautiously, most probably aware of previous hugging-related encounters with Diamond Tiara. DT just smiled. And it wasn't a sinister smile, brought upon by the suffering of another filly. For once, she actually smiled. She was clearly glad and happy that she could satisfy her closest friend, which managed to hold onto her for all those torturous years. Maybe there really is something hidden behind all that insecurity.

 

DT then suggested SS puts on the tiara, still smiling. SS appropriated it in a speed that made her deserving of a "dressing" cutiemark instead. Spoon turned around a few times, examining her behind with her flank slightly raised up into the air. DT kept on smiling, but the expression soon changed as a curious transformation of events happened.

The tiara changed. Not only did it change, it transformed. First it changed its color, to light red and light yellow, and started growing along Spoon as her happiness changed to shock. Spoon jumped up into the air, flailing about as the ex-tiara began forming a new dress on her, a stripped dress of white, red and yellow. As Spoon landed back down, her attire has been completely changed; her hips were now adorned with a large red extension continuing down to her hooves, acting as huge, oversized pants. Her tailed changed to a bright crimson and became puffy. A belt where her tiara used to be, there was now a large stripped surface, all yellow and red with two, darker red lines extending up from the belt at her sides. A large, curly, multi-layered apron formed around her neck, making her seem extremely silly and French. A long, stripped sleeve extended from her shoulders and ended similarly to the apron, but only with one, white layer. Even her face has now changed. Her whole muzzle and face was completely white, only with bright red lips and a huge red bowl on the tip of her snout. Her hair changed, too, becoming bright red and puffy, forming two huge spheres on the sides of her head.

 

Silver Spoon became a clown.

 

 

Diamond Tiara could have died laughing on the spot as Silver Spoon didn't know whether to cry, laugh with her or run away. Anon really did overestimate Diamond Tiara. She really is just a cunt.

 

Anonymous turned away from the whole spectacle, only hearing Silver Spoon begin crying soon after. As Anon shook his head, he spotted a grey mare come land near an unknowing filly. The wall-eyed mare with blond-like hair came up to the filly, giggling. She tapped her on the shoulder and moved to the side as she turned around too look who it was. She repeated it again, but moved in the wrong direction this time, ending up directly in front of the filly's face. She went silent for a few seconds, as did the filly. Then, spontaneously, they erupted with laughter and Derpy picked up Dinky and threw her up into the air.

 

Meanwhile, Silver Spoon decided to do all three possible actions at once, and ran out through the door crying with laughter. Coincidentally, she cushioned the fall of Dinky, because Derpy miss-aimed the throw. A shy "Woopsie" from Derpy and an unruffled Silver Spoon later, Dinky is once again in Derpy's forelegs, cuddling up with her. They rubbed their snouts together better than two seals ever could. Anon did not know whether to keel up and die from sheer cute overload, or to try and resist it and watch on. He almost did the former, too, as the two squeaked with joy and smiled from ear to ear. But he soldiered on.

 

The whole cute debacle continued for a whole minute, before Derpy off once again, carrying Dinky like a flying koala.

 

But then Anon realized something. He stood there for over an hour now. He also realized another thing... A look of utter horror overtook his face just from the sheer realization.

 

He realized that he should get going or he'll miss the night thread.

 

And so, Anon became the fastest man in Equestria.