/b/ible

Things were empty and sucked shit

And then came the word, and the word was "SHIIIIIIIIIITT!!!!"

And then there was two faggots who spent all day naked and they ate fruit and now periods are angry.

Then all of a sudden wham. Afrika Bambatta, the god of gods, made light, and mans best friend, sloths...

And the Sloths at of the Tree of Knowledge. It was areal gas, man.

And since there was once were sloths at the tree I sex with little boy okay?

the sloths were displeased by the emptiness and shit-suckyness, and they saw fit to remake the world

Then that fucking faggot stole my bike so I drowned him

they first created trees, from which they might hang, and observe the world from a higher plane

All sloths were happy, all sloths were glad. Until one day.... A werewolf sloth named Buttons bit the all knowing Afrika Bambatta. Causing him to delve into the ground of earth to eternal bunny damnnation. Buttons began to pose as the all knowing sloth being. With his black kitty Snatcheeboo.

    >pic related

Then god raped a teenager and forced her to have his kid or he'll kill her. God was a dick and gave her no money, so she gave birth in a fucking farm.

Buttons was crafty, and his true nature was not immediately made clear to the sloths, who were, quite frankly, rather slow of mind

Then god changed his mind about the kid and made him die a slow painful death.

 

And then he raised his head to the sky and said,

    "Now this is the story all about how

    My life got flipped, turned upside down

    And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there

    I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-air

 

    In west Philadelphia born and raised

    On the playground where I spent most of my days

    Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool

    And all shooting some b-ball outside of the school

    When a couple of guys, they were up to no good

    Started making trouble in my neighbourhood

    I got in one little fight and my mom got scared

    And said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-air"

 

    I whistled for a cab and when it came near the

    License plate said "fresh" and had a dice in the mirror

    If anything I could say that this cab was rare

    But I thought nah, forget it, yo homes to Bel-air!

 

    I pulled up to a house about seven or eight

    And I yelled to the cabby "Yo, homes smell you later!"

    Looked at my kingdom I was finally there

    To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-air."

 

for a long time, Buttons posed as a king of sloths. and they loved him, though he was false. the sloths would submit to the beck and call of Buttons, for they knew of naught else to do. all but one that is. that one being an astronaut sloth, with as great a mind as Buttons himself

 

 Eventually it came to pass that the sloths where aware that the great Afrika Bambatta had fallen to evil; and there was a great uproar. The sloths became divided between those who continued to trust in their master, actually the crafty Buttons and those who acknowledged the unthinkable, that Afrika Bambatta had become corrupted. And lo a great, slow war emerged and the sky rendered and the rivers became as the flowers, red with blood. The two sides fought, blind reverence lead by Buttons, and questing curiosity, lead by Astronaut Sloth.

 

The war raged for many eons, Buttons against Astronaut Sloth, brother against brother, father against son and master against student. All the while Afrika Bambatta, imprisoned by Buttons outside of this world saw the great evils committed in his name, and his heart grew weary and he wept for his creation.

 

every waking moment, of which there are very few for sloths, was spent in fear of what might become of his world. powerless in the clutches of the more agile rabits of the underwold, Afrika Bambatta could only watch as countless attrocities were commited in his name by the unknowing followers of Buttons.

 

Stalemate ate at the world, until one day, a wide eyed seer made his way to Astronaut Sloth's fortress and revealed to him the truth, that he fought Buttons, and would never win nor lose unless he where able to free Afrika Bambatta who, in his nigh limitless power could cast Buttons down. PIC related, is wide-eyed seer. Astronaut Sloth was at first suspicious of the seer. it could have been an agent of Buttons' but it soon proved itself by pinkie swearing with him.

 

however, the task presented to him by the wide-eyed seer was great indeed. it would require Astronaut Sloth to do something no sloth had done since the early days. descend from his tree, and set foot upon the ground

 

Slothstranaut, with the aid of the dwarves constructed a tunnel to the realm of the bunnies, and charged into battle on Snatcheeboo, Afrika Bambatta's own eight-legged mount, along with the Dreamtime Snakes, ancient beings of limitless knowledge, who existed before even Afrika Bambatta. Also Walker Texas Ranger was there.

 

at this time Astronout sloth began to wonder if the story creation was being recorded by anohter anonymous force, or if he should do so himself?

 

the forces of the underwould were naught to be reckoned with, however, with the rabits and the werewolves sending forth a great many strange hybrid creatures of untold power

 

He thought "Fuck it, someone else'll take care of it."

    Battle raged beneath the earth, pissing off the mole people slightly more then they are normally pissed off, the miserable buggers. The Dreamtime Snakes won the battle against the swift rabbits, but, their gentle hearts already too full of death, they departed for their home, beyond the tangible creation, Australia. And so Afrika Bambatta was freed.

 

It is, and it shall be by many other Anons. This is the word of sloth god and together they will rise against the were-rabbit beasts.

 

Slothstronaught turned to Afrika Bambata for help.

    "what wouldst though have us do to assist in the casting down of Buttons, my lord"

    and Afrika Bambata, addled by the fumes of the underground said unto him

    "craft for your men, a great number of wellingtons, one each, and have them reside within them."

    and so, Slothstronaught did so

And so, perfect from the harshness of the ground, the sloths marched against Buttons, surprising him as they did not come from the trees.

 

 they found that the wellingtons gave them great power, and conveyed upon them knowledge of a new fighting style, pioneered by a great guild of plumbers who were spoken of in sloth legend. Pic related, is the founder of the guild

 

Slothstronaught, guided by lord Afrika Bambata kept going with the assault. Not once did retreat cross his mind. HE would bring victory to his people or die trying,

 

    or so he thought

 

 Slothstranaut fought alongside Afrika Bambatta against Buttons with a ferocity unseen in sloths before, until some even questioned whether he was truly sloth any more.

but unbekownst the Slothstronaught, his men, and even the great Afrika Bambata, time flowed differently in the land of the rabits, and a great many months had passed on the surface world in their absence, giving Buttons and his forc ces time to ready a secret weapon

 

Buttons, battered and bloody, deserted by his followers was beaten, and lay dead on the ground. Just as Afrika Bambatta and Slothstranaut turned to face their victorious troops, Buttons arose, and with his last breath forced his blade through the heart of Afrika Bambatta.

 

no blade should have been able to piece the heart of the creator, but lo, in their long absence Buttons and his alchemists had created a strange substance, capable of slaying gods, and had crafted a blade from it

 

Buttons fell the the ground, finally dead, but with an evil grin upon his countenance (pic related), while Bambata lay, fatally wounded, and gasping for air. Slothstronaut scooped Bambata up inot his claws, and held him close "How can this be?" he wispered.

 

All hope seemed lost, without Afrika Bambatta the world would rend in twine and life cease. But the Dreamtime Snakes, their rainbow bodies able to flit through time and space with careless ease surrounded Afrika Bambatta's corpse. With their Abbo magics they striped the body of Afrika Bambatta's soul, and implanted it into a nut. They departed, taking the but, and grew it into a great tree in their homeland, and continue to feed it with libations of sweetest nectar and Fosters.

 

"Afrika Bambatta, I will carry on your word and work an so shall my sons. You're death will not be in vain." said Slothstronaught

 

Slothstranaut was elected to be King of the Sloths, and became the founder of the great dynasty of Astrosloth, who continue to rule over sloths, with a gently, ponderous claw.

 

He was a benevolent ruler and provided for the needs of his people for any years to come. He had 3 sons And they were named: