Title:           Eating Contest
Author:          RPBN
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/B9PExiwg
First Edit:      Saturday 8th of December 2012 08:53:09 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 8th of December 2012 08:53:09 AM CDT

>Day Bill Cosby in Equestria.
>You’re sitting on your rascal making your way to Sugarcube Corner for the annual pudding eating contest.
>You’ve been training your whole life for this and it shows.
>You are a giant among pönies and men and gryphons and small dragons.
> You once found Scootaloo trapped in an armpit fold.
>You smell of spoiled milk no matter how much you shower.
>Pegasi avoid you due to your gravitational pull.
>You are a fat bastard.
>And today, you’re going to dethrone the champion. Pinkie Pie.
 
>You arrive at the bakery fashionably late.
>They added a ramp and widened the doors just for you.
>You are after all their best customer.
>Upon entering you see your opponents.
>There are only two others:
>Big Macintosh and Pinkie Pie.
>They’re sitting at a table underneath a banner that says “Pudding Eating Contest”
>The rest of the Apple family are there to root on Big Mac.
>The Cakes are performing their hosting duties.
>Twilight is adjudicating the contest.
>Rarity is sitting in the corner with Fluttershy trying hard to hide their disgust at the whole situation.
>Then you spot your bro.
“Hey Dash.” You wheeze. “I thought you weren’t coming.”
>”Well, I don’t really like what you’re doing to yourself, but I just can’t leave a bro hanging like that”
>You brohoof with her and wheel yourself behind the table and take your place.
>”Gee Anon, you were so super-duper late that we were going to start without you!”
Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. You’re going to lose Pinkie.
>”PPthh, no way jose, I’ve never lost an eating contest.”
There’s always a first time balloon butt.
>She giggles and gets her game face on.
>The Cakes and Applejack are wheeling out three large bathtubs full of chocolate pudding.
>If you died right this moment you’d die fulfilled.
>Twilight begins setting the rules.
>”Alright, rule one, you have to use a spoon. Rule two, no lifting the tub. And rule three, if you vomit you are disqualified.”
>Sounds fair to you.
>”And Begin”
>You dive in, your spoon shoveling at lightning speeds.
>You glance at your opponents; Big Mac is out of his league.
>But Pinkie, oh god you’ve never seen anything eat so fast.
>You redouble your efforts.
>By the time you’ve gone a third of the way through your tub, Big Mac taps out.
>Pussy.
>Pinkie is still going strong, but she’s not that far ahead of you.
>You’ve started to break out in a sweat; your personal musk should be giving you an advantage.
>So far all it did was make Rarity vomit.
>Pinkie is well ahead of you now. It’ll take a miracle for you to win.
>Time to play your trump card.
>You stop eating for a moment and concentrate.
>Music begins to swell from beneath the folds of your largess.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPvAQxZsgpQ
>The pönies are awestruck.
>Pinkie begins to cry.
>”IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL!” she stops eating.
>Now is your chance.
>By the end of the aria your tub is finished.
>Half the town has gathered to listen to the haunting music that emanates from your midsection.
>You lean back with a smile on your face. You’ve won.
 
>Three days later a large casket is being lowered into the ground at Pönyville cemetery.
>The final push in the contest was too much for your overtaxed heart to bear.
>As they lowered you into the ground, your penis gave one last performance.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSTivVclQQ0