- >Day Bill Cosby in Equestria.
- >You’re sitting on your rascal making your way to Sugarcube Corner for the annual pudding eating contest.
- >You’ve been training your whole life for this and it shows.
- >You are a giant among pönies and men and gryphons and small dragons.
- > You once found Scootaloo trapped in an armpit fold.
- >You smell of spoiled milk no matter how much you shower.
- >Pegasi avoid you due to your gravitational pull.
- >You are a fat bastard.
- >And today, you’re going to dethrone the champion. Pinkie Pie.
- >You arrive at the bakery fashionably late.
- >They added a ramp and widened the doors just for you.
- >You are after all their best customer.
- >Upon entering you see your opponents.
- >There are only two others:
- >Big Macintosh and Pinkie Pie.
- >They’re sitting at a table underneath a banner that says “Pudding Eating Contest”
- >The rest of the Apple family are there to root on Big Mac.
- >The Cakes are performing their hosting duties.
- >Twilight is adjudicating the contest.
- >Rarity is sitting in the corner with Fluttershy trying hard to hide their disgust at the whole situation.
- >Then you spot your bro.
- “Hey Dash.” You wheeze. “I thought you weren’t coming.”
- >”Well, I don’t really like what you’re doing to yourself, but I just can’t leave a bro hanging like that”
- >You brohoof with her and wheel yourself behind the table and take your place.
- >”Gee Anon, you were so super-duper late that we were going to start without you!”
- Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. You’re going to lose Pinkie.
- >”PPthh, no way jose, I’ve never lost an eating contest.”
- There’s always a first time balloon butt.
- >She giggles and gets her game face on.
- >The Cakes and Applejack are wheeling out three large bathtubs full of chocolate pudding.
- >If you died right this moment you’d die fulfilled.
- >Twilight begins setting the rules.
- >”Alright, rule one, you have to use a spoon. Rule two, no lifting the tub. And rule three, if you vomit you are disqualified.”
- >Sounds fair to you.
- >”And Begin”
- >You dive in, your spoon shoveling at lightning speeds.
- >You glance at your opponents; Big Mac is out of his league.
- >But Pinkie, oh god you’ve never seen anything eat so fast.
- >You redouble your efforts.
- >By the time you’ve gone a third of the way through your tub, Big Mac taps out.
- >Pussy.
- >Pinkie is still going strong, but she’s not that far ahead of you.
- >You’ve started to break out in a sweat; your personal musk should be giving you an advantage.
- >So far all it did was make Rarity vomit.
- >Pinkie is well ahead of you now. It’ll take a miracle for you to win.
- >Time to play your trump card.
- >You stop eating for a moment and concentrate.
- >Music begins to swell from beneath the folds of your largess.
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPvAQxZsgpQ
- >The pönies are awestruck.
- >Pinkie begins to cry.
- >”IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL!” she stops eating.
- >Now is your chance.
- >By the end of the aria your tub is finished.
- >Half the town has gathered to listen to the haunting music that emanates from your midsection.
- >You lean back with a smile on your face. You’ve won.
- >Three days later a large casket is being lowered into the ground at Pönyville cemetery.
- >The final push in the contest was too much for your overtaxed heart to bear.
- >As they lowered you into the ground, your penis gave one last performance.
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSTivVclQQ0
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