Derpicide

>It’s morning in Ponyville. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and you are sitting on your front porch swearing like a deranged sailor.

>The problem? You can’t get this fucking knot right in the rope you’re tying and you need to figure this out to show these ponies who’s boss.

>”Hey Anon watcha doin’?”

Oh hey Derpy. I’m trying to tie a knot.

>”What kind of knot?”

A real special kind. I need it to prove something to everyone.

>She flutters up next to you, gracefully like a jar of pickled eels.

>”I understand Anon.” she places a hoof gently on your leg.

>”I can help…I’ve tied this knot before.” She takes the rope from your lap and begins to work.

>”I was really sad for a long time Anon…so I tried to do something about it, but Pinkie found me. She always knows Anon…” she stares soulfully into your eyes and at your rose bushes.

>”She made me Pinkie Promise not to try again, but I couldn’t keep it.” She sniffles a little.

>”After the second time she took me under the bakery…I can’t remember much after that.”

Um…

>”My eyes used to be straight…”

>The grey mare just stares off into the distance. You take the rope from her lap. She’s tied a perfect noose.

Goddamnit!

>You exclaim.

I was trying to tie a lariat. Maybe Applejack can show me how.