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Thread 3: Stories 1-15

By: PrincessApplejack on Jan 29th, 2014 | syntax: None | size: 25.98 KB | hits: 140 | expires: Never

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Thread 3 archive http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/15905493
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Chrysalis
“Celestia”
‘Applejack’
____
“Hemorrhage.”
>Fake.
“Eeeng. Real.”
>Shit. Seriously?
‘Next. Fugacious.’
>Oh, that’s easy. Fake.
‘Nope, real.’
>Oh come the fuck on!
“Next. Scrittle.”
>That’s gotta be real. My Changelings and I scrittle all the time.
“I have no clue what you and your companions THINK you’re doing, Chrys’, but it’s not scrittling, because it’s not a word.”
>...I, uh. Well, what I meant to say was--
‘Anyway, next. Legerdemain.’
>Real.
‘…’
“…”
‘Y’all just took a stab in the dark on that one, didn’t ya?’
>Huh? No. I answered from knowledge. It means ‘sleight of hand’. For Changelings, that’s an invaluable tool.
“Get the buck out of here. She not only knows the definition, but the word ‘invaluable’.”
>Yeah, stick that in your plot! My vocabulary ain’t so laughable now is it?
‘Alright. Next word: celerity.’
>Ha! Nice try, Princess Apple, but that word is actually pronounced ‘celery’. Looks I just taught YOU something!
*the two princesses facehoof*
“I’m starting to get a headache. Why did we agree to do this again…?”
‘It’s yer’ fault. ‘We’ll teach her some words, she’ll be ready to handle some of the filing” is what y’all said.’
“Buck me…”
>Come on, come on! Next word! I’m on a hot streak!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Celestia, need a second.
>Oh, now what?
>Why aren't there any guards stationed at Ponyville? We get attacked by stuff all the time.
>...What? You mean like Discord? There's not much they can do about that.
>No, Ah' mean like, an Ursa Minor once stomped through town.
>...Come again?
>And then there was when the Parasprites devoured a bunch of it.
>The what now?
>And then there was that hydra just on the edge of town
>The WHAT!?
>...Frikken cows once almost stampeded the place even. Ponies in armor would've been really helpful. Never mind when the dam broke.
>...Who... what?
>Ah mean, we appreciate you sending the Wonderbolts for backup when Spike supersized and went on a rampage, but we kind of need.... Princess? You okay?
>Fine. Just... just... so many letters, you know? I have an entire archive of this stuff, and NEVER ONCE did this come up. I feel like it should have.
>....They blame you fer not stopping it.
>Of course they do, dear Applejack, of course they do.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Applejack
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~
>Princess? Had a question.
"....Oh, me? OH! I get to be the question answery pony! Yay!-um, I mean, what did you need, Applejack?"
>Jus' wonderin' how the preparation fer' the games is coming.
"I don't know."
>.......
"Was, was that it? Oh my, that's disappointing. This is what it must have been like to be Chrysalis. All drained and empty before it even starts."
>What?
"Nevermind, anything else?"
>Uh, yeah, why don't ya' know how the preparation fer' the biggest event this year is going?
"Twilight's handling it."
>Twilight.
"Yep. Smart, huh?"
>Ah' guess, but ain't this gonna send a bad message ta' the other dignitaries?
"Oh Applejack, I'll just call my Twilight if they do anything! She'll fix it. Or Auntie Celestia. Or Auntie Luna. I've got connections, you know?"
>Do ya' at least know how much yer' spendin'?
"....A lot?"
>...Where's yer' husband, Ah' need ta' watch him hurt himself fer' a bit ta' make me feel better.
"He's working with Twilight, silly!"
>Damn. Guess you'll have to do.
"What do you mean-APPLEJACK NO!"
>WIFE TOSS!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Applejack
"Fluttershy"
'Discord'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Boy howdy, it sure is nice of ya'll ta' finally come around and visit again.
"Oh I agree! We don't spend nearly enough time together now that we're both alicorn. But, well.... you know."
>Discord?
"Oh, it's not his fault. He just gets so angry around Chrysalis."
>Ah' noticed.
"Well, I certainly hoped you would notice a fifty story tall chocolate bunny wielding a candy can railgun and a chainsaw made of puppies."
>....
"He assured me the puppies weren't hurt."
>Nice of him.
"But you know, he never did say exactly what it was Chrysalis said that made him so mad. What was it?"
>Erm.. she... might have insinuated that the only reason Discord is playin' nice is because we... uh.. utilized you.
"I'm not following."
>Utilized a specific aspect of you ta' tempt him to our side.
"Still not...."
>Oh fer' land's sake, Fluttershy! She said we whored you out ta' him and let him have his way with you fer' his co-operation!
"Oh...."
>......
".... I don't think I like her very much."
>Get in line, yer' number'll come up sometime around springtime, oh, 200 years from now.
"....I probably won't, but I might ask Discord to glue her to the floor."
*POOF!* 'Too late, I heard 'Glue her to the floor! Consider it done!' *POOF!*
"Good."
>Ya'll scare me sometimes.
"...Good."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Applejack
“Celestia”
_____
“Let it go, let it goooo, I’m one with the sun and sk--”
>...Princess?
“Ack! I--wait, it’s not what it looks like, I swear!”
>Really? Cuz it looks y’all were swayin’ around the room dressed in a highly elaborate gold gown and singin’ that song ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen Hoof….
“I swear to you it’s not! I was just… I thought I’d try on this dress to see if it still fit, you see. And then I just started humming. I didn’t even know that was the name of the song!”
>...s'that why the Frozen Hoof DVD case is open an’ empty near the TV there?
“…”
>…
“Oh, alright! Yes! Yes, I was dancing and singing and singing and dancing! I just wanted to know what it felt like to be a real princess for once!”
>But, uh… y’all are a princess. Of an entire world.
“Then how come my life never plays out like any of the movies I see? Where’s my prince charming, huh? Where’s my stallion to sweep my off my aching hooves and tell me I’m beautiful? Why do I have a kingdom filled with some of the most bungling officers and co-rulers to ever take in my sun? Why is cake and the suffering of Shining when he gets trounced by AJ42 my only sources of joy?”
>Because this is real life.
“Ah. Yes, that makes sense…”
>Do y’all, er… need a minute? Ah can just back out, forget this happened and try again later.
“I’d appreciate it, dear.”
>And princess?
“Yes?”
>It’s common knowledge to lock the door durin’ private moments. Yer fault.
“I know, dear. I know.”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘AJ42’
“‘Shining’”
_____
‘Is there a reason I’ve been called to your chambers, Princess Celestia?’
>That’s what’d Ah’d like to know.
“I’d just like to offer you my sincere thanks, AJ42.”
‘In what way have I earned such praise?’
“Because for many a day, I’d been contemplating bringing the sun down upon Equestria in a blazing wall of cleansing flame. Just to clear things out and start fresh.
‘…’
>…
“With everything Applejack kept bringing to my attention, I’d begun to think that there was no saving my land, and not even cake was doing much to alleviate my worries. But then, like a message from above, in you came, AJ42. And you started beating the ever loving shit out of Shining. And suddenly, I’m filled with some few sparks of joy.”
‘…’
>…
“So you’ll continue to do that, won’t you? Because if you stopped, or if he accidentally won, I might fall under that same depression and ponies all across the world might get a hotter sun than the forecast predicted. You’ll keep winning, because Shining needs this training. And I need my occasional chuckle to keep the bad thoughts at bay.”
‘I… I will do my utmost to keep Shining Armor on his hooves, Princess. But not so on his hooves that he gets the best of me.”
“Excellent, my dear! You are dismissed. Go give that up-and-coming colt what for!”
*Applejack42 hurriedly exits the chamber*
>Gotta question, ‘Tia.
“I’m sure you do.”
>How in the hell is it y’all can be so damn scary yet so lax when it comes to running a kingdom?
“Because one has nothing to do with the other. Oooh, now where’s that piece of marble cake I’ve been saving?”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Shining Armor
"Cadence"
'Applejack 2'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
>At last, I finally finished the entire budget for our military! Everything, from the highest officials to the freaking MEALS is planned and paid for! AT LAST!
*Cadence immediately walks in, sweeps all of the papers off the desk, and gives Shining Armor a stern, hard look*
"We need to talk."
>...I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the destruction of my soul. Why the hell would you do that!?
"Because that way you know it's serious! I can't have you not knowing this is serious!"
>While I'm choking down my sadness and horror, please, by all means, give me this serious talk.
"That Changeling is still in our house."
>Applejack 42? Damn it, I told him not eat my stuff anymore!
"Not him, the other one."
>Chrysalis? What, is she going to try to molest me again?
"NO! That one that keeps following you!"
>...Applejack 2?
"Yes! I think she's infiltrating us! And I think you're being deceived by her attitude! I'm worried about you."
>Just to double check, Applejack 2.
"Yes!"
>The Changeling sitting in the corner coloring in her little book.
"....Is that a coloring book?"
>No, that would be my old journal from when I was ten.
"Was she in the room the whole time?"
>Yep. She's not mad, though. She's way too happy about her previous discovery. She found out she can slip crayons in those little holes in her leg, and she's just been going nuts.
"Dear..."
>I trust her, so don't worry. You trust me, right?
"...I guess."
>Cool. So, you going to help me pick up all those papers?
"Erm, I have... princess stuff to do. Gotta go!" *leaves*
>Of course you do....hmm?
*Applejack 2 is standing there with an armful of papers.*
'I can help...'
>...You sure can, Applejack 2. More than you know.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Applejack 2
"Applejack 42"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*AJ2 Is bouncing through the halls. Literally*
>Ohhhhhh~! I'm AJtwo, and I'm never feelin' blue, AJtwo! Jumpin' with my bouncy shoes, AJtwo! Never gonna be untrue- Hey AJ forty two! Man, could this day get any more-GLK!
*Crash!*
>....That cabinet looked expensive- ULK!
*Crash2.0*
>Please stop throwing me into stuff!
"See, my queen? That blow was enough to smash the very walls themselves, and no damage to our solider."
'Impressive. She must have absorbed quite the amount of love in her time in this castle.'
>Oh hey, you figured out I was a girl! What tipped you off?
'My child, when was the last time you used your pheromones?'
>...S'been a while. Shiny doesn't like it when I use it, cause it leaves little streaks on the bed.
'Oh ho ho! I knew you were here for a reason. Tell me, is Cadence still ignoring him?'
>Sometimes, but they're getting better now that the doll got killed!
'You don't say. Well, that your time here is over. Your power should be enough now you could surely wipe out all who oppose me! It is time to strike, and kill Shining Armor and his pretty pink bride!'
>Nu-uh.
'...Did you really just reply with 'nu uh' to me?'
>Uh-huh!
"Wait, which was it, nu-uh or uh-huh? Those mean two different things!"
>The no one.
'...What!?'
>NO!
'... clearer. But you do realize that this is treason to me, yes? I can't kill you, obviously, but you can never come back home.'
>....You guys didn't like me anyway. You just like me now cause Shiny lets me chew on his stuff and sleep with him when I have nightmares and get waffles. Shiny did that when I was still Applejack two!
"...Are you not anymore?"
>IT'S CONFUSING!
'...Fine, stay his little pet, we don't need you. Come along, 42.'
"As you wish."
*They both leave.*
>....I-I'm AJtwo... and I might be feelin' blue... AJtwo... da, da da da...
*She walks off, not bouncing anymore*
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Celestia
"Cadence"
'Applejack'
~~~~~~~
>That was unnecessarily cruel, Applejack.
'Had ta' know.'
"I asked her..."
>I know, but I rather liked that little thing. It's upsetting to see her not bouncing like she normally does.
"I know, and I feel terrible for doubting her..."
'She'll be back ta' normal within' a day. Shiny'll cheer her up.'
>It is, unfortunately, a hard decision we must make. To test loyalty like that. I suppose it couldn't be avoided.
"...Want to go get her some waffles?"
'Oh lord no, we got roped into a three day Monopony game last time! Ah' almost shot Twilight!'
>Those Flim Flam brothers should be put to death, I ended up throwing Luna in prison. For a week.
"We kind of owe it to her..."
'....FINE!'
>I'm the shoe this time.
'Tia, I will cut you in half!'
>I'M THE SHOE THAT IS FINAL!
"I want to be the battleship!"
'NEVER!'
>...This is going to go well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>And thus, on that day, a game began. A game that would last well into the month that followed. Turmoil stuck. Alliances were forged, and broken. Lives were nearly lost, and marriages nearly crumbles. But on the twenty first day, four Alicorns, one Unicorn and one Changeling emerged from that sealed off room, blinking and weary of the sunlight. On that day, they knew true friendship, they knew true happiness, and they knew that every copy of that board game was to be burned. For Equestira. For Justice.
>...Oh, and Applejack 2 is happy again. Turns out Shining Armor just got her some ice cream and she forgot about the whole thing.
>And everyone resolved to never speak of that month, ever again.
>This happens a lot, come to think of it.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>"'Alicorns don' need ta sleep', Celestia says! 'Have 'hundred times tha endurace o' tha hardiest earth pony', she told me..."
>Applejack yawns
>Six months without sleep
>Even with coffee being intravenously dripped into her blood, she's still running on fumes
>The door knocks
>"Enter..."
>It's Spike with her cake and non-dripfed coffee order
>"Applejack... Would you sign this-"
>"Nope, not fallin' fer that again."
>Applejack just chuckles and goes back to her work
>"Ah mighty appreciate ya tryin' to help, Spike, but Twi's an inventor, not a paperpusher, Celestia lives in self-delusion, Luna ain' no help, Cadence is... Cadence. An' this is why Ah was made a princess to begin with..."
>"Alright... Anything else I can help you with?"
>He pushes her coffee towards her
>"Couldn' ask fer a better assistant. Ah need to talk to Twi 'bout given ya a pay raise."
>She sips the coffee and resumes work
>Spike watched her intently the entire time
>The world seems to tilt just so
>Watches her work
>Her vision fades
>Watches her sign things
>Blackness
>She wakes up in her bed with a start
>"Oh no! Ah fell asleep an' Ah still got a mountain o' work to do!"
>Then she sees the calendar
>Seven days have past
>Applejack goes ballistic and briefly looks out the window to see if there's any fires
>She rushes towards her personal office in time to see Twilight walk out with a sleeping Spike on her back
>No time for questions
>She bursts in and finds
>Her office is clean and organized, a dozen ponies are going around, forwarding proposals from sheets of paper
>Her proposals
>Her bills
>"What in tha hay's goin' on?"
>"The Royal Secretary hired us to help, he taught us how to carry out your orders, and showed us your proposals, and everything!"
>Applejack was stunned
>Apparently, so was Celestia when she walked by
>She checks her 'in' and 'out' boxes
>They're under control
>"Celestia?"
>"Yes?"
>"Ah'd like ta propose a raise for a certain dragon."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Shining
"AJ42"
'AJ2'
-Celestia-
~~~~~~~~~
>It's time for our final bout, fourty-two!
42 turns around from her daily walk, and looks at the confident looking stallion?
"You must be kidding."
>I'm not, trust me
Shining smirks, and charges at his foe
AJ42 pulls out a red cloak and waves it infront the white stallion
With a smirk, Shining transports to ontop of 42 and rides her into a wall, but of course she doesn't hit it, being a smart one and teleporting away
The stallion turns around after being dropped onto the floor, and fires a few blasts her way
Fourty-two dodges them with skill and elegance, as she then turns to the stallion, panting
"So, *pant*, you've been practicing?"
The stallion stands tall and proud, looking at the changeling dead in the eye
>You call it practice, I call it studying
>I really have to think Twiley for that one, if she didn't help me study on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING about how to beat you. I swear to fucking tartus I /will/ be an alicorn!"
Celestia, looking down at the scene from her castle, looks surprised at the turn of action from Shining. The hell's causing him to act like this?
Well, whatever the reason, he needs to lose this so called, "final battle". Celestia can't afford another alicorn!
-KICK HIS ASS, FOURTY-TWO!-
AJ2 sat atop a roof nearby the fight, smiling wide
She noticed Celestia cheering on 42, so AJ2 got the bright idea of cheering on Shining
'C'MON, SHINNY, YOU CAN DO THIS!'
The two fighters glared at eachother and got in fighting posistions, ready to pounce like cats
Shining smiled at AJ2's cheering, while 42 rolled her eyes at Celestia's
"You up for this, twit?"
>You already know the answer
Shining pounces first, causing the changeling to sidestep away
"Seriously? If that's the best ypu got-OOF!"
Shining, finally, rams into the changeling, horn first, right into her chest
It didn't pierce anything, however. Turns out Shining's horn is extremely dull
However, it did make her chest wounded
He slammed her right into a wall, which did a number on her hind legs
"DAMN!"
Shining backed off, and looked at 42 fall to the ground
He started to walk off, in foolish pride
Fourty-two sprang up and tackled Shining to the ground
-YES!-
'BOO!'
"Did you really think it was going to be THAT easy?"
>No.... Of course not, what do you take me for?
Shining quickly rolls over and blasts 42 away from himself
She goes flying back to the wall, and soon gets up, growling
-KICK HIM IN THE KNEE!-
>WHICH KNEE?
'ALL OF THEM!'
Shining Armour starts to run at AJ42 with full force
"I'M FINISHING THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!"
Fourty-two starts build up magic from her horn, and aims it at the stallion
Shining doesn't notice, as he closed his eyes shut while runing
AJ2 starts to shake, becoming worried if the blast hits him. She flies out to the scene, thinking that she could stop Fourty-two
'STOP!'
She flew too far in. as the blast was fired by the time she was in the middle of the two
The blast struck her, as Shinny ran into AJ2 and then AJ42
This caused them all to K.O., leaving only Shining Armour without injuries
-...IT'S A FUCKING DRAW! NOTHING CHANGED!-
Enraged, Celestia threw her popcorn and left the balcony
-I'll go hide from AJ some more, then. Entertaining, but a waste of my time.-
DECLARED NON-CANON BY AUTHOR
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Hey, ‘Tia. Y’all ever wonder--
“When the day will come that you never darken my chamber door with your haunting shadow? Every day, dear.”
>Nah, more like, ya ever wonder what’d happen if the cooks ran out of the top-tier gourmet supplies needed to make yer’ cake?
“…”
>Ah bet that’d be awful, wouldn’t it? Probably drive y’all insane.
“You’re treading over dangerous territory there, Applejack. What’re you implying?”
>Who, lil’ ol’ me? Ah’m not implyin’ anything! ‘Cept maybe that the budget for the castles cuisine is runnin’ powerful low. Frighteningly low, even.
“If they run out of ingredients while you stand there pussyhoofing around, they’ll find new stock when I cut it out of your plot, dear. Your point?”
>Ah want temporary control of the castles finances, all of ‘em, so Ah can attempt to allocate bits where they need to be. Try an’ fix whatever the hay y’all done did wrong over the past thousand years….
“You ask that like I would have to give it serious thought! Go ahead, do whatever you have to--just save my cake!”
>...so it’s a nevermind to the abysmal state of yer’ kingdom. But when yer’ cake comes under fire--
“We do what we must to save what’s important!”
>That sounded like something Cadance might say.
“...Don’t you ever. Ever. Fix your muzzle to say something that heinous again.”
>Yeah, that was below the belt, Ah’ll admit, but it’s yer own fault.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>Applejack
“Cheerilee"
______
>How’s it goin’, Miss Cheerilee?
“…”
>...hello?
“…”
>Y’all okay there? Yer kinda starin’ off in a da--OW! What in tarnation, mah nose! Why’d ya hit me?
“Oh goodness me, I’m terribly sorry, Princess Applejack! Please forgive me, it’s just I’ve been having these stress hallucinations. Burning down the school, drowning all the fillies, using blood instead of chalk, you know, the usual.”
>The… usual?
“Indeed. Makes it hard to tell reality from fantasy, and I figured you were another hallucination. You see, when you said you were coming down for a little visit to see how things were going, I never expected you to actually show up! I do apologize….”
>It’s… Ah’m alright, just… are y’all okay? The classroom looks mighty bright….
“Oh, yes, after all those little fur-faced demons trot off to hopefully fall in a ditch somewhere and I'm left alone, I usually turn the lights on full power.”
>Okay. Prob’ly gonna regret askin’, but why?
“Why? Mostly because it keeps the shadows at bay, and with my mind cracked as it is you never know what I might see! Why, one time, I swear I saw a two-headed manticore right there, right where Snails usually sits. It was just glaring at me with big, crimson eyes, a muzzle riddled with razor-sharp fangs, and fur blacker than pitch--he was truly a sight to behold!”
>…
“Good heavens, Princess, you look absolutely ill! Here, sit, sit, get off your hooves! You say you wanted to see how things were going, yes?”
>N-no… no. Ah’m… Ah think Ah got a pretty good picture already, Miss Cheerilee, ma’am.
“A Princess calling me ma’am? It must be my lucky day! The last thing to call me ma’am was this hunched over imp thing that crept out of the darkness in that corner over there. It carried a knife and asked whose pelt I wanted first, then it called me ma’am! Believe you me, I was left all a twitter, didn’t know hallucinations could show respect!”
*Applejack glances forlornly out the window at the waning sunlight*
>Oh sweet Celestia, what is wrong with these ponies?
“Did you say something, Princess? Pardon, I was watching a spider crawl about my hoof.”
>Ah didn’t say anythin’….
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>"..." AppleJack.
"..." Luna.
'...' Celestia.
---------------------
>"Hold still you! Ah'm tryin' t' help..."
"Please, AppleJack, we request thou be gentle..."
>"Ah'll be as gentle as ah can, sugar. Can't promise ya nothin'."
"Ah! Be careful..."
>"Heh, sorry 'bout that."
"We think it may be too much for thou to handle..."
>"Hey, gimmie some credit; ah used to help Twilight with this all th' time..."
Meanwhile, Celestia is listening intently at the door of Luna's bedchambers, manically giggling as quietly as she can. She'd never of thought the two to do such things! And AppleJack doing that to Twilight?!
>"Just lay down on yer front, this'll be easier that way."
"Oh... If thou insist, we've never done this before."
>"Ah said don't fret, ah'll go real slow."
"Ahh! That's cold, AppleJack..."
>"This is real big, Luna. You've been misbehavin' something fierce."
"T'was not my intention to misbehave. That's Mal's job."
>"An' yet here we are with yer plot in mah face..."
Celestia couldn't take anymore of this! Excitedly wanting in on the action, she bursts in through the door with a grin on her face, which rapidly lessens. AppleJack has a tape measure around Luna's massive posterior while Luna is angled so the tape measure can fit around her properly. AppleJack wears a look of total concentration and Luna looks back as if expecting a bad answer.
>"Nope, it's as ah though, Luna. Yer behind aint gettin' any smaller. It's gained a few inches."
"Curses."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Thread 3 archive http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/15905493

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
“Celestia”
‘Applejack’
____

“Hemorrhage.”

>Fake.

“Eeeng. Real.”

>Shit. Seriously?

‘Next. Fugacious.’

>Oh, that’s easy. Fake.

‘Nope, real.’

>Oh come the fuck on!

“Next. Scrittle.”

>That’s gotta be real. My Changelings and I scrittle all the time.

“I have no clue what you and your companions THINK you’re doing, Chrys’, but it’s not scrittling, because it’s not a word.”

>...I, uh. Well, what I meant to say was--

‘Anyway, next. Legerdemain.’

>Real.

‘…’

“…”

‘Y’all just took a stab in the dark on that one, didn’t ya?’

>Huh? No. I answered from knowledge. It means ‘sleight of hand’. For Changelings, that’s an invaluable tool.

“Get the buck out of here. She not only knows the definition, but the word ‘invaluable’.”

>Yeah, stick that in your plot! My vocabulary ain’t so laughable now is it?

‘Alright. Next word: celerity.’

>Ha! Nice try, Princess Apple, but that word is actually pronounced ‘celery’. Looks I just taught YOU something!

*the two princesses facehoof*

“I’m starting to get a headache. Why did we agree to do this again…?”

‘It’s yer’ fault. ‘We’ll teach her some words, she’ll be ready to handle some of the filing” is what y’all said.’

“Buck me…”

>Come on, come on! Next word! I’m on a hot streak!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia, need a second. 

>Oh, now what?

>Why aren't there any guards stationed at Ponyville? We get attacked by stuff all the time. 

>...What? You mean like Discord? There's not much they can do about that. 

>No, Ah' mean like, an Ursa Minor once stomped through town. 

>...Come again?

>And then there was when the Parasprites devoured a bunch of it. 

>The what now?

>And then there was that hydra just on the edge of town

>The WHAT!?

>...Frikken cows once almost stampeded the place even. Ponies in armor would've been really helpful. Never mind when the dam broke.

>...Who... what? 

>Ah mean, we appreciate you sending the Wonderbolts for backup when Spike supersized and went on a rampage, but we kind of need.... Princess? You okay? 

>Fine. Just... just... so many letters, you know? I have an entire archive of this stuff, and NEVER ONCE did this come up. I feel like it should have. 

>....They blame you fer not stopping it. 

>Of course they do, dear Applejack, of course they do.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~

>Princess? Had a question.

"....Oh, me? OH! I get to be the question answery pony! Yay!-um, I mean, what did you need, Applejack?" 

>Jus' wonderin' how the preparation fer' the games is coming. 

"I don't know."

>.......

"Was, was that it? Oh my, that's disappointing. This is what it must have been like to be Chrysalis. All drained and empty before it even starts." 

>What?

"Nevermind, anything else?"

>Uh, yeah, why don't ya' know how the preparation fer' the biggest event this year is going?

"Twilight's handling it." 

>Twilight.

"Yep. Smart, huh?"

>Ah' guess, but ain't this gonna send a bad message ta' the other dignitaries?

"Oh Applejack, I'll just call my Twilight if they do anything! She'll fix it. Or Auntie Celestia. Or Auntie Luna. I've got connections, you know?" 

>Do ya' at least know how much yer' spendin'?

"....A lot?" 

>...Where's yer' husband, Ah' need ta' watch him hurt himself fer' a bit ta' make me feel better. 

"He's working with Twilight, silly!" 

>Damn. Guess you'll have to do.

"What do you mean-APPLEJACK NO!"

>WIFE TOSS!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Fluttershy" 
'Discord'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Boy howdy, it sure is nice of ya'll ta' finally come around and visit again.

"Oh I agree! We don't spend nearly enough time together now that we're both alicorn. But, well.... you know."

>Discord?

"Oh, it's not his fault. He just gets so angry around Chrysalis."

>Ah' noticed.

"Well, I certainly hoped you would notice a fifty story tall chocolate bunny wielding a candy can railgun and a chainsaw made of puppies."

>....

"He assured me the puppies weren't hurt." 

>Nice of him.

"But you know, he never did say exactly what it was Chrysalis said that made him so mad. What was it?" 

>Erm.. she... might have insinuated that the only reason Discord is playin' nice is because we... uh.. utilized you.

"I'm not following." 

>Utilized a specific aspect of you ta' tempt him to our side.

"Still not...."

>Oh fer' land's sake, Fluttershy! She said we whored you out ta' him and let him have his way with you fer' his co-operation!

"Oh...."

>......

".... I don't think I like her very much." 

>Get in line, yer' number'll come up sometime around springtime, oh, 200 years from now. 

"....I probably won't, but I might ask Discord to glue her to the floor."

*POOF!* 'Too late, I heard 'Glue her to the floor! Consider it done!' *POOF!* 

"Good." 

>Ya'll scare me sometimes. 

"...Good."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
“Celestia”
_____

“Let it go, let it goooo, I’m one with the sun and sk--”

>...Princess?

“Ack! I--wait, it’s not what it looks like, I swear!”

>Really? Cuz it looks y’all were swayin’ around the room dressed in a highly elaborate gold gown and singin’ that song ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen Hoof….

“I swear to you it’s not! I was just… I thought I’d try on this dress to see if it still fit, you see. And then I just started humming. I didn’t even know that was the name of the song!”

>...s'that why the Frozen Hoof DVD case is open an’ empty near the TV there?

“…”

>…

“Oh, alright! Yes! Yes, I was dancing and singing and singing and dancing! I just wanted to know what it felt like to be a real princess for once!”

>But, uh… y’all are a princess. Of an entire world.

“Then how come my life never plays out like any of the movies I see? Where’s my prince charming, huh? Where’s my stallion to sweep my off my aching hooves and tell me I’m beautiful? Why do I have a kingdom filled with some of the most bungling officers and co-rulers to ever take in my sun? Why is cake and the suffering of Shining when he gets trounced by AJ42 my only sources of joy?”

>Because this is real life.

“Ah. Yes, that makes sense…”

>Do y’all, er… need a minute? Ah can just back out, forget this happened and try again later.

“I’d appreciate it, dear.”

>And princess?

“Yes?”

>It’s common knowledge to lock the door durin’ private moments. Yer fault.

“I know, dear. I know.”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘AJ42’
“‘Shining’”
_____

‘Is there a reason I’ve been called to your chambers, Princess Celestia?’

>That’s what’d Ah’d like to know.

“I’d just like to offer you my sincere thanks, AJ42.”

‘In what way have I earned such praise?’

“Because for many a day, I’d been contemplating bringing the sun down upon Equestria in a blazing wall of cleansing flame. Just to clear things out and start fresh.

‘…’

>…

“With everything Applejack kept bringing to my attention, I’d begun to think that there was no saving my land, and not even cake was doing much to alleviate my worries. But then, like a message from above, in you came, AJ42. And you started beating the ever loving shit out of Shining. And suddenly, I’m filled with some few sparks of joy.”

‘…’

>…

“So you’ll continue to do that, won’t you? Because if you stopped, or if he accidentally won, I might fall under that same depression and ponies all across the world might get a hotter sun than the forecast predicted. You’ll keep winning, because Shining needs this training. And I need my occasional chuckle to keep the bad thoughts at bay.”

‘I… I will do my utmost to keep Shining Armor on his hooves, Princess. But not so on his hooves that he gets the best of me.”

“Excellent, my dear! You are dismissed. Go give that up-and-coming colt what for!”

*Applejack42 hurriedly exits the chamber*

>Gotta question, ‘Tia.

“I’m sure you do.”

>How in the hell is it y’all can be so damn scary yet so lax when it comes to running a kingdom?

“Because one has nothing to do with the other. Oooh, now where’s that piece of marble cake I’ve been saving?”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Shining Armor
"Cadence"
'Applejack 2' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>At last, I finally finished the entire budget for our military! Everything, from the highest officials to the freaking MEALS is planned and paid for! AT LAST!

*Cadence immediately walks in, sweeps all of the papers off the desk, and gives Shining Armor a stern, hard look*

"We need to talk."

>...I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the destruction of my soul. Why the hell would you do that!?

"Because that way you know it's serious! I can't have you not knowing this is serious!" 

>While I'm choking down my sadness and horror, please, by all means, give me this serious talk. 

"That Changeling is still in our house."

>Applejack 42? Damn it, I told him not eat my stuff anymore!

"Not him, the other one."

>Chrysalis? What, is she going to try to molest me again? 

"NO! That one that keeps following you!"

>...Applejack 2? 

"Yes! I think she's infiltrating us! And I think you're being deceived by her attitude! I'm worried about you." 

>Just to double check, Applejack 2.

"Yes!"

>The Changeling sitting in the corner coloring in her little book.

"....Is that a coloring book?"

>No, that would be my old journal from when I was ten. 

"Was she in the room the whole time?"

>Yep. She's not mad, though. She's way too happy about her previous discovery. She found out she can slip crayons in those little holes in her leg, and she's just been going nuts. 

"Dear..."

>I trust her, so don't worry. You trust me, right?

"...I guess." 

>Cool. So, you going to help me pick up all those papers? 

"Erm, I have... princess stuff to do. Gotta go!" *leaves* 

>Of course you do....hmm?

*Applejack 2 is standing there with an armful of papers.*

'I can help...'

>...You sure can, Applejack 2. More than you know.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack 2
"Applejack 42"
'Chrysalis' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*AJ2 Is bouncing through the halls. Literally*

>Ohhhhhh~! I'm AJtwo, and I'm never feelin' blue, AJtwo! Jumpin' with my bouncy shoes, AJtwo! Never gonna be untrue- Hey AJ forty two! Man, could this day get any more-GLK!

*Crash!*

>....That cabinet looked expensive- ULK!

*Crash2.0*

>Please stop throwing me into stuff! 

"See, my queen? That blow was enough to smash the very walls themselves, and no damage to our solider." 

'Impressive. She must have absorbed quite the amount of love in her time in this castle.'

>Oh hey, you figured out I was a girl! What tipped you off?

'My child, when was the last time you used your pheromones?'

>...S'been a while. Shiny doesn't like it when I use it, cause it leaves little streaks on the bed. 

'Oh ho ho! I knew you were here for a reason. Tell me, is Cadence still ignoring him?' 

>Sometimes, but they're getting better now that the doll got killed! 

'You don't say. Well, that your time here is over. Your power should be enough now you could surely wipe out all who oppose me! It is time to strike, and kill Shining Armor and his pretty pink bride!'

>Nu-uh. 

'...Did you really just reply with 'nu uh' to me?'

>Uh-huh!

"Wait, which was it, nu-uh or uh-huh? Those mean two different things!" 

>The no one. 

'...What!?' 

>NO!

'... clearer. But you do realize that this is treason to me, yes? I can't kill you, obviously, but you can never come back home.'

>....You guys didn't like me anyway. You just like me now cause Shiny lets me chew on his stuff and sleep with him when I have nightmares and get waffles. Shiny did that when I was still Applejack two! 

"...Are you not anymore?"

>IT'S CONFUSING! 

'...Fine, stay his little pet, we don't need you. Come along, 42.' 

"As you wish." 

*They both leave.* 

>....I-I'm AJtwo... and I might be feelin' blue... AJtwo... da, da da da...

*She walks off, not bouncing anymore*

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
"Cadence" 
'Applejack'
~~~~~~~

>That was unnecessarily cruel, Applejack.

'Had ta' know.' 

"I asked her..." 

>I know, but I rather liked that little thing. It's upsetting to see her not bouncing like she normally does. 

"I know, and I feel terrible for doubting her..."

'She'll be back ta' normal within' a day. Shiny'll cheer her up.' 

>It is, unfortunately, a hard decision we must make. To test loyalty like that. I suppose it couldn't be avoided. 

"...Want to go get her some waffles?"

'Oh lord no, we got roped into a three day Monopony game last time! Ah' almost shot Twilight!' 

>Those Flim Flam brothers should be put to death, I ended up throwing Luna in prison. For a week.

"We kind of owe it to her..." 

'....FINE!'

>I'm the shoe this time. 

'Tia, I will cut you in half!' 

>I'M THE SHOE THAT IS FINAL!

"I want to be the battleship!" 

'NEVER!'

>...This is going to go well. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>And thus, on that day, a game began. A game that would last well into the month that followed. Turmoil stuck. Alliances were forged, and broken. Lives were nearly lost, and marriages nearly crumbles. But on the twenty first day, four Alicorns, one Unicorn and one Changeling emerged from that sealed off room, blinking and weary of the sunlight. On that day, they knew true friendship, they knew true happiness, and they knew that every copy of that board game was to be burned. For Equestira. For Justice.

>...Oh, and Applejack 2 is happy again. Turns out Shining Armor just got her some ice cream and she forgot about the whole thing. 

>And everyone resolved to never speak of that month, ever again. 

>This happens a lot, come to think of it.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>"'Alicorns don' need ta sleep', Celestia says! 'Have 'hundred times tha endurace o' tha hardiest earth pony', she told me..."
>Applejack yawns
>Six months without sleep
>Even with coffee being intravenously dripped into her blood, she's still running on fumes
>The door knocks
>"Enter..."
>It's Spike with her cake and non-dripfed coffee order

>"Applejack... Would you sign this-"

>"Nope, not fallin' fer that again."
>Applejack just chuckles and goes back to her work
>"Ah mighty appreciate ya tryin' to help, Spike, but Twi's an inventor, not a paperpusher, Celestia lives in self-delusion, Luna ain' no help, Cadence is... Cadence. An' this is why Ah was made a princess to begin with..."

>"Alright... Anything else I can help you with?"
>He pushes her coffee towards her

>"Couldn' ask fer a better assistant. Ah need to talk to Twi 'bout given ya a pay raise."
>She sips the coffee and resumes work
>Spike watched her intently the entire time
>The world seems to tilt just so
>Watches her work
>Her vision fades
>Watches her sign things
>Blackness

>She wakes up in her bed with a start
>"Oh no! Ah fell asleep an' Ah still got a mountain o' work to do!"
>Then she sees the calendar
>Seven days have past
>Applejack goes ballistic and briefly looks out the window to see if there's any fires

>She rushes towards her personal office in time to see Twilight walk out with a sleeping Spike on her back
>No time for questions
>She bursts in and finds
>Her office is clean and organized, a dozen ponies are going around, forwarding proposals from sheets of paper
>Her proposals
>Her bills
>"What in tha hay's goin' on?"

>"The Royal Secretary hired us to help, he taught us how to carry out your orders, and showed us your proposals, and everything!"

>Applejack was stunned
>Apparently, so was Celestia when she walked by
>She checks her 'in' and 'out' boxes
>They're under control
>"Celestia?"

>"Yes?"

>"Ah'd like ta propose a raise for a certain dragon."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Shining
"AJ42"
'AJ2'
-Celestia-
~~~~~~~~~

>It's time for our final bout, fourty-two!

42 turns around from her daily walk, and looks at the confident looking stallion?

"You must be kidding."

>I'm not, trust me

Shining smirks, and charges at his foe
AJ42 pulls out a red cloak and waves it infront the white stallion
With a smirk, Shining transports to ontop of 42 and rides her into a wall, but of course she doesn't hit it, being a smart one and teleporting away
The stallion turns around after being dropped onto the floor, and fires a few blasts her way
Fourty-two dodges them with skill and elegance, as she then turns to the stallion, panting

"So, *pant*, you've been practicing?"

The stallion stands tall and proud, looking at the changeling dead in the eye

>You call it practice, I call it studying
>I really have to think Twiley for that one, if she didn't help me study on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING about how to beat you. I swear to fucking tartus I /will/ be an alicorn!"

Celestia, looking down at the scene from her castle, looks surprised at the turn of action from Shining. The hell's causing him to act like this?

Well, whatever the reason, he needs to lose this so called, "final battle". Celestia can't afford another alicorn!

-KICK HIS ASS, FOURTY-TWO!-

AJ2 sat atop a roof nearby the fight, smiling wide
She noticed Celestia cheering on 42, so AJ2 got the bright idea of cheering on Shining

'C'MON, SHINNY, YOU CAN DO THIS!'

The two fighters glared at eachother and got in fighting posistions, ready to pounce like cats
Shining smiled at AJ2's cheering, while 42 rolled her eyes at Celestia's

"You up for this, twit?"

>You already know the answer

Shining pounces first, causing the changeling to sidestep away

"Seriously? If that's the best ypu got-OOF!"

Shining, finally, rams into the changeling, horn first, right into her chest
It didn't pierce anything, however. Turns out Shining's horn is extremely dull
However, it did make her chest wounded
He slammed her right into a wall, which did a number on her hind legs

"DAMN!"

Shining backed off, and looked at 42 fall to the ground
He started to walk off, in foolish pride
Fourty-two sprang up and tackled Shining to the ground

-YES!-

'BOO!'

"Did you really think it was going to be THAT easy?"

>No.... Of course not, what do you take me for?

Shining quickly rolls over and blasts 42 away from himself
She goes flying back to the wall, and soon gets up, growling

-KICK HIM IN THE KNEE!-

>WHICH KNEE?

'ALL OF THEM!'

Shining Armour starts to run at AJ42 with full force

"I'M FINISHING THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

Fourty-two starts build up magic from her horn, and aims it at the stallion
Shining doesn't notice, as he closed his eyes shut while runing

AJ2 starts to shake, becoming worried if the blast hits him. She flies out to the scene, thinking that she could stop Fourty-two

'STOP!'

She flew too far in. as the blast was fired by the time she was in the middle of the two
The blast struck her, as Shinny ran into AJ2 and then AJ42
This caused them all to K.O., leaving only Shining Armour without injuries

-...IT'S A FUCKING DRAW! NOTHING CHANGED!-

Enraged, Celestia threw her popcorn and left the balcony

-I'll go hide from AJ some more, then. Entertaining, but a waste of my time.-

DECLARED NON-CANON BY AUTHOR
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Hey, ‘Tia. Y’all ever wonder--

“When the day will come that you never darken my chamber door with your haunting shadow? Every day, dear.”

>Nah, more like, ya ever wonder what’d happen if the cooks ran out of the top-tier gourmet supplies needed to make yer’ cake?

“…”

>Ah bet that’d be awful, wouldn’t it? Probably drive y’all insane.

“You’re treading over dangerous territory there, Applejack. What’re you implying?”

>Who, lil’ ol’ me? Ah’m not implyin’ anything! ‘Cept maybe that the budget for the castles cuisine is runnin’ powerful low. Frighteningly low, even.

“If they run out of ingredients while you stand there pussyhoofing around, they’ll find new stock when I cut it out of your plot, dear. Your point?”

>Ah want temporary control of the castles finances, all of ‘em, so Ah can attempt to allocate bits where they need to be. Try an’ fix whatever the hay y’all done did wrong over the past thousand years….

“You ask that like I would have to give it serious thought! Go ahead, do whatever you have to--just save my cake!”

>...so it’s a nevermind to the abysmal state of yer’ kingdom. But when yer’ cake comes under fire--

“We do what we must to save what’s important!”

>That sounded like something Cadance might say.

“...Don’t you ever. Ever. Fix your muzzle to say something that heinous again.”

>Yeah, that was below the belt, Ah’ll admit, but it’s yer own fault.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
“Cheerilee"
______

>How’s it goin’, Miss Cheerilee?

“…”

>...hello?

“…”

>Y’all okay there? Yer kinda starin’ off in a da--OW! What in tarnation, mah nose! Why’d ya hit me?

“Oh goodness me, I’m terribly sorry, Princess Applejack! Please forgive me, it’s just I’ve been having these stress hallucinations. Burning down the school, drowning all the fillies, using blood instead of chalk, you know, the usual.”

>The… usual?

“Indeed. Makes it hard to tell reality from fantasy, and I figured you were another hallucination. You see, when you said you were coming down for a little visit to see how things were going, I never expected you to actually show up! I do apologize….”

>It’s… Ah’m alright, just… are y’all okay? The classroom looks mighty bright….

“Oh, yes, after all those little fur-faced demons trot off to hopefully fall in a ditch somewhere and I'm left alone, I usually turn the lights on full power.”

>Okay. Prob’ly gonna regret askin’, but why?

“Why? Mostly because it keeps the shadows at bay, and with my mind cracked as it is you never know what I might see! Why, one time, I swear I saw a two-headed manticore right there, right where Snails usually sits. It was just glaring at me with big, crimson eyes, a muzzle riddled with razor-sharp fangs, and fur blacker than pitch--he was truly a sight to behold!”

>…

“Good heavens, Princess, you look absolutely ill! Here, sit, sit, get off your hooves! You say you wanted to see how things were going, yes?”

>N-no… no. Ah’m… Ah think Ah got a pretty good picture already, Miss Cheerilee, ma’am.

“A Princess calling me ma’am? It must be my lucky day! The last thing to call me ma’am was this hunched over imp thing that crept out of the darkness in that corner over there. It carried a knife and asked whose pelt I wanted first, then it called me ma’am! Believe you me, I was left all a twitter, didn’t know hallucinations could show respect!”

*Applejack glances forlornly out the window at the waning sunlight*

>Oh sweet Celestia, what is wrong with these ponies?

“Did you say something, Princess? Pardon, I was watching a spider crawl about my hoof.”

>Ah didn’t say anythin’….

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>"..." AppleJack.
"..." Luna.
'...' Celestia.
---------------------

>"Hold still you! Ah'm tryin' t' help..."

"Please, AppleJack, we request thou be gentle..."

>"Ah'll be as gentle as ah can, sugar. Can't promise ya nothin'."

"Ah! Be careful..."

>"Heh, sorry 'bout that."

"We think it may be too much for thou to handle..."

>"Hey, gimmie some credit; ah used to help Twilight with this all th' time..."

Meanwhile, Celestia is listening intently at the door of Luna's bedchambers, manically giggling as quietly as she can. She'd never of thought the two to do such things! And AppleJack doing that to Twilight?!

>"Just lay down on yer front, this'll be easier that way."

"Oh... If thou insist, we've never done this before."

>"Ah said don't fret, ah'll go real slow."

"Ahh! That's cold, AppleJack..."

>"This is real big, Luna. You've been misbehavin' something fierce."

"T'was not my intention to misbehave. That's Mal's job."

>"An' yet here we are with yer plot in mah face..."

Celestia couldn't take anymore of this! Excitedly wanting in on the action, she bursts in through the door with a grin on her face, which rapidly lessens. AppleJack has a tape measure around Luna's massive posterior while Luna is angled so the tape measure can fit around her properly. AppleJack wears a look of total concentration and Luna looks back as if expecting a bad answer.

>"Nope, it's as ah though, Luna. Yer behind aint gettin' any smaller. It's gained a few inches."

"Curses."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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