Thread 1: Stories 46-60

 

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  >Sun sun, mystic glowing sun... kill my enemies-

 

>Princess?

 

>GAH! I WASN'T SINGING!

 

>Well, we can agree on that much.

 

>Thank you-HEY!

 

>We need ta' talk about yer' cake budget.

 

>Okay, no. No. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I have put up with a great many things from you, dear Applejack. The undermining me in front of my subject, the nitpicking every decision I have made, the utter collapse of my infrastructure, I have put up with it all because I believed you were doing the right thing. But this? NO. I have served this land for neigh on a millennium, I have seen empires beyond my boarders rise and fall, I have faced monsters of bizarre origin and form, and I ushered in a golden age of peace that lasted generations! I have EARNED my right to stuff my face until it almost bursts with the ONE FUCKING THING that gives me true happiness in this world and DOESN'T BACKSASS ME. You will not dare, you will not DARE TOUCH MY CAKES OR I SWEAR I WILL END YOU! ARE WE CLEAR!

 

>....yeah, Ah' think we're clear. But yer' still not gettin' the cakes-

 

>APPLEJACK!

 

>-until ya' approve the budget. Which ya' forget ta' sign.

 

>......thank you for your assistance on this slight mis-step on my part, and I appreciate your work.

 

>Got it.

 

>Please never speak of this again.

 

>Wow you do NOT need to ask me that twice.

 

>To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't.

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  >What's with all that ruckus?

 

"You tell me, your precious engineers and mechanics in your new "academy" are still months away from graduation. Shortage of maintenance crew does that."

 

>It doesn't mean Starswirl plaza, out of all places in Canterlot, should give away and sink to a bottomless pit! How is that even possible?

 

"Don't worry, Applejack. I've sent a pegasi guard company to investigate the pit and put up a containment field on top of it. It should prevent citizens from stepping in before we can rebuild and reinforce the plaza. Now, we would have to prepare a statement to assure-"

 

"Princess Celestia, Princess Applejack. I bring urgent news from Starswirl plaza."

 

"What is it, commander?"

 

"The guards investigating the pit report an unusual amount of magical beasts inhabiting various levels connected to the pit. While I can't pinpoint their point of origin I should say they're coming from the abandoned mines."

 

>The mines? But those monsters are supposed to be in stasis!

 

"Also, a twenty-seven headed hydra is apparently, what should I say, feeding off the containment field? It bumped one of its stone heads to the field, and the next second the head is alive! I'm afraid it is rapidly gaining strength as we speak, Your Highnesses."

 

>... Celestia.

 

"Oops. I, I think I made a rare mistake handling the situation, hahaha..."

 

>You never said what the mine was actually mining when it was operational.

 

"... Chrysoberyl and sunstone?"

 

>If you put up a containment field next to chrysoberyl and sunstone, what would happen?

 

"Chrysoberyl is a thaumatic absorbent, but sunstone... it conducts the raw magical energies projected onto them, charging the surroundings with thaumatic radiation originating from the normals of its facets, disrupting whatever enchantment placed near... oh my."

 

>... You know you're the only one to blame, the moment you offered to "provide the upper levels of the mines?"

 

"... I need another Raktajino. And a list of new recruits."

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"Princess!"

 

>Hey, that's the "something is going wrong" voice, not the "I've found something else wrong" voice.

 

"...It bothers me so much ya'll can differentiate between the two."

 

>Can we get to the problem?

 

"Oh, right! Sombra's back!"

 

>Oh dear! Has Twilight gone off to face him yet?

 

"That's the thing, he came here!"

 

>Well he is going to regret that. I may not have the same jump in my step I had one thousand years ago, but I'm fairly certain I could take someone like him.

 

"He has Princess Cadence with him!"

 

>Little matter, my aim is as sharp as it ever was.

 

"And he's arguing her policies!"

 

>.....And just like that, my sanity has decided that it would rather sit this one out. Explain?

 

"Well, he seems to think her foreign trade policy is completely messed up, and she's not utilizing the leverage she has with the horned crystals."

 

>The what?

 

"That's what I said. Turns out there's a crystal in the Empire that cured cancer."

 

>.....WHAT

 

"Yeah, and it also turns out there's a way to refine diamonds, and they've been sitting on the method this whole time. They could've have diamond armor and weapons by the thousands already."

 

>...I just.... Well, we still have to stop him, we can't let him enslave those crystal ponies again!

 

"Yeah, he says he's over that. Turns out he enslaved them because their economy had collapsed, and he had ta' revert ta' this in order to keep the place from devolving into mass riots... and then went power mad or something. He blames you."

 

>Hah! I didn't even know the guy! Or the empire! I didn't know anything!

 

"Said somethin' about Alicorn magic, Ah' didn't get it all."

 

>...Ah. Let's not pursue that one any further.

 

"Done."

 

>You know, I'm kind of second guessing overthrowing him.

 

"He also said Cadence's obesity rate is too high, and he is cutting down on the sugar."

 

>OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

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  >Oh sweet merciful me, here she comes, here she comes, here she--

 

>Ghastly Gorge.

 

>What? Ghastly... Gorge?

 

>Right, Ghastly Gorge. We're doin' absolutely nothin' with it, princess.

 

>I--that is, I don't--

 

>Well, before ya throw a fit, lemme explain. See, Ah reckon we could turn that fiendish landscape into our own little flyin' grounds, an obstacle course, actually. Ah've been doin' mah research, payin' it a few visits and found that it improves yer wing strength and aerial maneuverability. We can put this to good use, princess. We can have Rainbow Dash or Spitfire, any competent flier really, hold trainin' sessions there in order to get all of our sky forces up to snuff because honestly, a group of murderous gnats could lay waste to us right now, and Ah wish Ah were kiddin' 'bout that. Ah know the area is unstable but look at mah charts--Ah've mapped out some pretty safe courses, got some testimonials from those who've been there--we can turn that death-zone into a place to breed the elite. Whatta ya think, Princess?

 

>...

 

>Uh... Is there something wrong? Ah mean, if ya need more data, Ah can get more, this is just a mock-up.

 

>No, no, it's not that, I just... can't seem to recall a 'Ghastly Gorge'...

 

>Oh, y'all have got to be buckin' kiddin' me.

 

>Hey, don't give me that look! So I forgot the place even existed! You can't blame me for that! I've been overseeing Equestria since before it was called Equestria! I've run myself ragged trying to remember specific areas, build law and establish order and make sure my subjects are being taken care of to the best of my ability! It's not my fault I can't recall a stupid canyon that never did anything but BE a canyon!

 

>And yet, with absolute clarity, y'all can remember any backdoor eatery that ships yer favorite cakes...

 

>I--that's different! That's actually important!

 

>And trainin' yer pegasi so they can provide Ponyville with better support isn't?

 

>Ah, touché, dear Applejack...tou-bucking-ché...

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  >Applejack....

 

>Ah'm just sayin'.

 

>Applejack!

 

>Ah'm just sayin, Ah said.

 

>You mean... y-you really can't tell whether I'm...?

 

>After 'bout a year of gorgin' yerself on all those crystal cakes, Ah'm surprised anyone can!

 

>But... but Shiny never said anything to me about my... ohhh... about my weight!

 

>Cadence, really, what stallion in his right mind would come right out and call his wife fat? Especially if said wife runs an empire and can have him thrown in the barracks?

 

>Hm. Good point. And who cares--guards! Bring me more crystal marble cake!

 

>While yer at it, got any more of that apple cider crystal cake...?

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  >Wait, where's Shining Armor in all of this?

 

"Well...."

 

~~~~~~~~

 

>I WISH TO SPEAK WITH THE RULER OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE!

 

"I am Prince Shining Armor, speak to me!"

 

>No, like, the pony actually in charge.

 

"...I just said I was prince of this empire."

 

>No no no, I mean the one who actually, you know, makes decisions and all that.

 

"....You're doing this to mess with me."

 

>Look buddy, I count one throne up there and I doubt you ordered a giant pink seat of power. Also, no wings. I'm well aware of the "Need to be an alicorn" policy around here, and I doubt they'd leave you wingless if you were actually the head of this place. Where's the actual pony who runs this place.

 

"...my wife's upstairs."

 

>Thank you, GOD. Was that so hard?

 

"I'm... I'm gonna go sulk in my room for a bit. That okay with you?"

 

>What do I care? I'm only after the royalty.

 

"Yeah... yeah.... maybe I'll...'shave' a bit. In the tub."

 

>Don't stain the marble! Asshat.

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  >So, Cadence, what else kind of rare, unspeakably useful crystals have ya'll been keeping from us.

 

>....Dunno.

 

>Ya' don't know.

 

>Nope, no idea. How am I supposed to know what they do?

 

>Don't ya'll have a library?

 

>Yeah, what's your point? I don't really see how "The little dragon and his gerbil friend" is going to help us here.

 

>...Was referring to the other books.

 

>Applejack! Do you know how scandalous it would be if I was caught reading those smutty novels?

 

>...Meant the non-fiction ones.

 

>What's that mean?

 

>Based in real life.

 

>Those novels aren't real!? But Sir Horiningham's love for Cooc Sleev was so true and pure!

 

>Ah just... ugh.

 

>Oh dear, do you have a headache? I have this wonderful little crystal that fixes that.

 

>.......

 

>Oh, right, probably should start marketing that, shouldn't I? How does one do something like that? Throwing it from a blimp seems dangerous.

 

>NNNNNNGH!

 

>...did both of the blood vessels in your eyes just pop? OH! Apple family tradition, right. I'll stop talking now.

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  >"Hello, princess. I just wanted t'say th--"

 

"Before you say another word, just take note that I'm not in a good mood today. If you are going to bring up another issue about how things are run here, then it can wait till tomorrow. Tomorrow. As in not today. Do I make myself clear?"

 

>"Of course, princess. I just wanted to know how you're doin' an' all."

 

"Oh. In that case, I'm faring quite well. Thanks for asking. How are you?"

 

>"I'm doin' just fine myself. Thank ya kindly."

 

>...

 

"I'm counting the seconds until you mention the issue you came here for."

 

>"Hehe. Funny you should mention counting, because I think Cadence--"

 

"GOD DAMMIT"

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  >Hey, Celestia, I... what's that shiny thing ya got pressed to yer skull there?

 

>Nothing, dear Applejack, just a wonderful invention I nicked from another galaxy. It's called a gun.

 

>Sounds fancy. What's it do?

 

>Why, I do believe it can end all of my problems if I pull this trigger. But before that, you had a question...?

 

>Oh, yeah. Well, Ah want to enlist Pinkie Pie.

 

>Enlist Pinkie Pie? For what? Furthermore, why?

 

>Do y'all not know what she can do...?

 

>Dearest Applejack, now you're beginning to overstep yourself, thinking I don't know about the pony chosen to be the Element of Surprise!

 

>Laughter, Princess.

 

>Not in my mind, it's not. Regardless, she brings joy to everyone she meets! Why, her smile is as infectious as--

 

>No, no, no, not her personality. Her powers.

 

>Powers...?

 

>To list 'em all would prob'ly take a day or two. The quick of it is she can bend the fabric of reality itself, slow down time, heck, she's even psychic to a degree.

 

>WHAT? Why has no one told me this?!

 

>Because y'all don't pay attention. At all. To anything. That's yer fault, Princess.

 

>...Right. Of course it's my fault. Well then, enlist away. I've this gun to try out.

 

>Will do! Enjoy yourself!

 

>Oh, I will.

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  >Has anyone seen Shining Armor? It's been, like, a week. Cadence?

 

>I'm sure he's fine.

 

>...Okay, concerning. Celestia?

 

>It's entirely possible that I have and just forgot about him. He's just got one of those faces.

 

>....more concerning. Luna?

 

>We could not give less of a damn, my dear.

 

>Hey! Twilight! You seen yer' brother lately?

 

>No. Wait, why? Did something happen!? IS HE OKAY!? WHERE IS MY BROTHER APPLEJACK!?

 

>We don't know, that's what Ah'm askin' fer, it's been a week and-

 

>SHINY NOOO! I'LL FIND YOU!

 

*Runs off*

 

>....Does it bother anyone else that she's way more worried about him than his wife is?

 

>Meh.

 

>Not really.

 

>As we said, not a single damn.

 

>Jus' figured Ah'd clear that one up.

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  >Applejack! We request a word with thee!

 

>Uh, can it wait, Luna? Ah'm hoof deep in tryin' to establish a better trade route between Baltimare and Fillydelphia--

 

>No it cannot! Lately our sister has been trotting around with her muzzle to the floor! Wouldst thou care to know why this is?

 

>Not entirely, Luna, now y'all would just gimme one second so Ah could--

 

>Because a certain alicorn princess has cut her cake funding to one pastry a day! One a day!

 

>Considerin' Celestia's 'cake fund' could give business to three Ponyville's, Ah don't really see the problem. 'Sides, yer barkin' at the wrong alicorn.

 

>COME AGAIN?

 

>Ah said it wasn't me. Ah have my own cake funds, it's the only thing keepin' me sane in this line of work, so Ah wouldn't even consider messin' with Celestia's. It was Twilight.

 

>That... that cannot be for it was Twilight herself that told us 'twas you that dealt our sister such a blow! Why would she lie?

 

>Prob'ly 'cause Twi' needed a distraction while she sees to cuttin' YER cake funds as well, Ah'd reckon.

 

>...

 

>Yeah, y'all may wanna—

 

>TWILIGHT YOU DIRTY CUR! I'LL BANISH THEE TO THE MOON IF YOU EVEN DARE!

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  >Shining Armor! Yer' okay! Where the hay have you been?

 

>Oh Applejack, it was amazing! See, I got really depressed after Sombra's attack... really depressed... and felt unappreciated. So I set out on this big epic quest in order to find a way to transform myself into an Alicorn too! I traveled across the land, facing all sorts of weird creatures and narrowly escaping tons of danger. Finally, I reached the temple of trials, which was rumored to be able to grant godhood to any who proved worthy. So I went though countless battles, puzzles and hardships, and finally I reached the end! I was a step away from ascension! But there was a catch. They said that in order to become an Alicorn, I would have to give up being me. I would have to become a completely different pony, mind and body. I hesitated, and for a second I almost accepted anyway, sure I would still be me deep down all the same. Then WHAMMO! Twilight burst into room from the ceiling, and stopped me just in time. She gave me a really heartfelt speech about how regardless of who I am, or how others see me, she'll always love me, and always respect me, even if nopony else does. Moved, I turned the offer down, and thank Celestia I did! It turns out it was a plot from this dark creature to warp powerful ponies into his own minions, and use them as an army! Needless to say, and epic battle ensues, and me and Twilight saved the day! And now I realize I'll always be loved, and I don't need wings to lift me up.

 

>Daww, that was beautiful Shiny.

 

>Yep, just goes to show you, you can always count on family.

 

>Sure can-OH FUCK!

 

>What!?

 

~~~~~~Back at Sweet Apple Acres~~~~~~~~~~

 

>So is she ever commin' back? She went ta' get some milk, like, a month ago.

 

>Eeeeyup.

 

>....Denial ain't just a river in Saddle Arabia, Mac.

 

>.....N-nope.

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  >"Princess?"

 

"Oh my dear Starswirl, give me strength..."

 

>"About th' newest law yer done passed..."

 

"...Here she goes Starswirl, hand me the noose."

 

>"So... how come ya got th' almighty power t' control any commodity in this here entire country, and yet ya'v gone an' passed a law, heck, no, several laws, that ponies now gotta gather materials themselves, an' t' go an' build their own safety measures, an' such other laws that'll go an' probably kill 'em?"

 

"Alright... here I go Starswirl, pray for me: ...Applejack, sweetie, you've been having a go at the way I run things for near on ten years now. I've metaphorically pulled my arse through broken crystals for you, and you're still giving me problems? I passed this law for you. It will solve all your issues."

 

>"An' how exactly does it solve mah issues, darlin'?"

 

"Survival of the fittest."

 

>"...Come again?"

 

"I love my little ponies Applejack, even if they're all as smart as a woodlouse on heroin, but you've done it. I am no longer going to spoon feed them. They will have to evolve. If they don't learn to adapt, they will die."

 

>"That's rather harsh, don'cha think?"

 

"Nope!"

 

~Several weeks later, the majority of stupid ponies have all succumbed from their own stupidity, leaving the smarter than average ponies to continue life~

 

>"...It makes me feel horrible that it had t' come t' this fer things t' improve. Heck, the economy's doin' better than it ever did in th' last hundred years an' the average I.Q has risen like mad!"

 

"I told you I could solve your problems. I have done something right by doing something so wrong."

 

>"...So yer thousands of deaths are yer fault?"

 

"..."

 

"Yes, Applejack. I admit that is my fault. Where is my triple-chocolate gateau..."

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  >Hey princeess, Ah'-

 

*BOOOM!*

 

>...Did ya'll just try ta' shoot me!?

 

>N-no~... there was... a mosquito. Next to your head. I.. had to intervene.

 

>Ya blew a hole in the wall ta' kill a mosquito?

 

>West nile virus is no joke, Applejack. I was simply... concerned for your safety. Whatever can I help you with?

 

>Well, Ah' was going over the castle floor plans, and-

 

*CRRRRAAAAACK*

 

>-Ah noticed it ain't exactly stable.

 

>...is this your doing, mother? IS THIS BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET YOU THAT CARD ONE YEAR!?

 

>Should... should we evacuate?

 

>No. Let it hit me. You hear that!? LET IT HIT-

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

>-and the brain damage should only be minor. We hope.

 

>What did we learn?

 

>Dear Princess Applejack, today I learned not to call out a higher power. The will win, I will hurt... and it will still somehow be my fault. Your concussed prasibalish, Chelestian.

 

>Very good. Now take a rest.

 

>Okesh

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 >Princess.

 

>Applejash! Howsh you goin'?

 

>.....

 

>My thinky piecsh ishn' workin' so well, so you should go talk ta' someone elsh. LUNA! Go talk ta' Luna bout whateversh wrong.

 

>....

 

>I'mma shleeppy now- NO APPLEJACK PUT THE WATER DOWN!

 

*SPLASH*

 

>COLD COLD COLD COLD OH SWEET ME IT'S SO COL-

 

>......

 

>...I mean... Oh shwee me itsh... Shoot, that's not going to work anymore, is it?

 

>Ah'd say no, Princess. Ah'd say no.

 

>...I'm not sorry.

 

>Ah'll tell everyone you wet the bed.

 

>....I am so sorry.

 

>Atta girl.