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Anon gets a hiarcut

By: Pikeman on Apr 10th, 2013  |  syntax: None  |  size: 14.83 KB  |  hits: 70  |  expires: Never
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  1. > Day something or other in Equestria
  2. > You rise with a yawn from your new bed, stretching your arms out above your head.
  3. > As usual, your legs were cramped. Would it kill ponies to make some beds for taller people? Seriously
  4. > You groggily make your way to the bathroom, hoping a shower will finally get your synapses going.
  5. > As usual, you check the stall for any booby traps, hidden cameras, or pegasi poorly disguised as a towel rack
  6. > Fucking Fluttershy…
  7. > Thankfully your shower goes on uninterrupted. Stepping out, you subconsciously wipe your wet bangs from your eyes.
  8. > You catch yourself just afterward though. You never had to do that before.
  9. > You check in the mirror. Yeah, your hair has gotten pretty long lately. Without any other humans around to compare it to, you kind of let it go.
  10. > Guess it’s time for a haircut.
  11. > You dry off and get dressed within a few minutes, idly planning out your day. Come to think of it, you don’t remember seeing a barber shop anywhere in town before…
  12. > Your thoughts are interrupted by a loud knock on your door. You quickly make your way downstairs, opening the door.
  13. 1/x
  14. > “Sup Anon?” Rainbow asks as you open the door and let her inside.
  15. “Not much Dash,” You answer, closing the door behind her, “Was just about to grab some breakfast and then go get a haircut.”
  16. > “You need a hair cut? Which one?” She asks
  17. “Oh ha ha. Yeah, I’ve never heard that one before.” You reply.
  18. > Dash turns toward you, a confused look on her face. Wait…she’s actually serious.
  19. “Oh right.” You quickly figure out where she got confused, stupid p0ny terminology. “I mean I need my ‘mane’ cut.”
  20. > To your surprise, Dash just looks even more confused. “You mean you’re getting your mane styled? I thought you were too cool for than frou-frou nonsense.”
  21. “I’m not getting it styled.” You correct her, “I just need it cut.”
  22. > “Why though?” She asks, flying up to inspect the top of your head, “Do you have a bad tangle in there or something?”
  23. “No, jeez.” You shoo her away from your head, “It’s just getting too long. Anyway do you know where I can find a barber around town?”
  24. > “A what?”
  25. You bury your face in your palm. “Someone who cuts hair for a living?”
  26. > “Pfff, why would I know someone like that?” She scoffs. Looking up at her unkempt mane, you quickly realize how useless it was trying to ask her about this stuff.
  27. 2/x
  28. > After a quick breakfast, your make your way into town. Dash might have been no help with finding where you can get a haircut, but Twilight should be able to.
  29. > She might be a bit of a dork, but you have to admit she knows her stuff.
  30. > You arrive at the library after a few minutes. You knock a few times on the door, then let yourself in. It is a public library after all, and you now Twilight doesn’t mind.
  31. > “I’ll be out in just a minute!” you hear Twilight’s voice call out from the kitchen as you walk inside. You pull up a chair and sit down as Twilight enters, levitating a fresh pot of tea by the smell of it.
  32. > “Oh, hello Anon. I didn’t expect to see you this morning, what’s up?” Twilight asks, sitting down across from you and offering you a cup.
  33. “Not much.” You answer, taking the cup but not feeling particularly keen on drinking it, “I was just wondering if you could help me with something.”
  34. > “Really?” Twilight perks up instantly, suddenly gaining an almost disturbing amount of interest, “What is it? Do you have a problem with one of your friend? As a friendship expert, I-“
  35. You cut her off with a wave of your hand. “No, nothing like that. My hair is just getting too long.”
  36.  > “I could try a spell to fix that. It shouldn’t be too hard to create a spell that reverses hair growth. All I would need to do is counteract the specific mitosis processes of-“
  37. “Or you cut just, you know, cut it.” You deadpan.
  38. > “Oh, right.” Twilight giggles, “That would be much easier.”
  39. 3/x
  40. “So,” you continue, eager to get back on track and prevent another Twilight nerd-out. “Any idea where I could get that done?”
  41. > “You could do it right here Anon.” Twilight suggests
  42. “What, really?” you ask, dubious things could go that easily for you.
  43. > “Mhmm!” Twilight nods, “I do cut my own hair after all, I wouldn’t mind doing it for you too.”
  44. > Of course, how could you not realize? There’s no way the perfect straight edge of Twilight’s mane and tail could be natural, she would have had to cut it.
  45. > “Stay there for just one minute,” Twilight instructs you, “I just have to grab something from upstairs.”
  46. > You lean back in the chair and close your eyes. Man, you sure lucked out coming here first. You probably would have had to search all over town if it wasn’t for Twilight.
  47. > You’re startled from your thoughts as something large and heavy lands on the table with a loud thud. You open your eyes to see a grinning Twilight standing near a…
  48. > Is that a paper cutter?
  49. > Yes, yes it is. You stare dumbfounded at it, your brain slowly putting the pieces together.
  50. > “Here, let me show you how it works!” Twilight enthusiastically offers.
  51. > You watch in mute shock as Twilight puts her tail on the board, carefully lines it up against the ruler, and in one quick SHINCK from the blade, cuts her tail in a perfectly straight line.
  52. > “See? With this I cut my mane and tail perfectly every time.” Twilight grins, “So, want to get started?”
  53. 4/x
  54. > Well that was a bust…
  55. > After turning Twilight down (semi-politely) she explained P0nyville doesn’t have a resident barber. You would have to find a p0ny to do it for you on your own.
  56. > Apparently most p0nies grow their hair out to it’s natural length. While plenty style their manes, few actually shorten them.
  57. > As you walk down the street, you begin to notice what Twilight was talking about. Even the colts and stallions have manes that would be excessively long if put on a human.
  58. > You groan inwardly as you make your way deeper into town. There’s only one mare you can go to now for something like this, as much as you had to admit it.
  59. >Slowly, Carousel Boutique comes into view. Looming ahead of you like an ivory obelisk of doom.
  60. > Ever since you met Rarity, she has been an absolute pain to be around. Once she found out human wear clothes all the time, she has been instant on learning everything she can from you.
  61. > The fact she was your only source of fresh clothes made things even worse. You had to fight tooth and nail with her just to get a t-shirt not covered in laces or gems.
  62. > The way she called you ‘darling’ all the time didn’t help either.
  63. > Grudgingly, you make your way to the front door, and knock. Maybe she isn’t home? Then you could just leave and maybe-
  64. > “Comiiing~”
  65. > shit
  66. 5/x
  67. > Rarity opens the door, and her face lights up in joy. Oh god, you think her eyes sparkled too.
  68. “Anon! Darling, how nice of you to come!” She quickly ushers you inside, practically pulling you in.
  69. “Do you need some new clothes?” she asks, “I just came up with some new designs that would look positively dashing with your eyes. All I need to do is make sure I have the dimensions right and I-“
  70. > “No! I mean, uh…nothing like that.” You quickly assure her, desperate not to be dragged into another several hour long modeling session, “I just need someone to cut my hair.”
  71. > Rarity rounds on you with surprising speed, the smile on her face so large it would almost be scary. No, wait, it is scary.
  72. > “You want your mane styled?” She practically shouts, “Oh I just knew this day would come eventually! Quickly, we need to get you to the spa now!”
  73. “Wait, what?” You barely have time to protest before Rarity grabs your wrist tightly with her magic and drags you back out the door.
  74. > “I had an appointment already this afternoon, so it shouldn’t be any trouble at all for you to squeeze in with me.” Rarity continues, completely oblivious to you protests as she pulls you down the street.
  75. “I don’t want it styled!” you shout, your heels dragging two narrow trenches through the dirt, “I just want it cut shorter!”
  76. > “And we’ll need to do something to add some flair. Maybe a few curls and a gem or two woven in. Oooh, and we’ll have to pick out some dyes!”
  77. 6/x
  78. > Okay, that’s it.
  79. “Look over there!” You shout, pointing into a random crowd of p0nies, “That mare is wearing purple with yellow polka dots!”
  80. > “What???” Rarity whips around, her magic loosening enough for you to wrench your hand free. “Stop this crime against fashion!” she shouts as she goes running off looking for the perpetrator.
  81. > With your arm free, you sprint off into a random alley as if your very life depended on it, desperate to get away from the sadistic seamstress.
  82.  
  83. > After that quite bold and dashing escape, you find yourself on the borders of Sweet Apple Acres.
  84. > You drop down into the shade of an apple tree to catch your breathe. The sweat on your brow makes your hair stick to your forehead, and have to keep wiping your hair clear from your eyes.
  85. > You groan in frustration, hitting your head back against the trunk of the tree.
  86. > How hard could it be to get a goddamn haircut in this crazy town?
  87. > “You alright there Anon? You look like you just had to run from a manticore.” you hear a familiar voice from your right.
  88. > You look over at the smiling face of Applejack, no doubt hard at work before coming over to say ‘Hi’
  89. “Rarity.” You answer. Applejack lets out a low whistle. That’s all the explanation she needs.
  90. “Hey Applejack, you know where I can get a simple haircut?” You know it’s a long shot, but what the hell, can’t hurt to ask right?
  91. > “A haircut?” she asks, “Mane getting a bit long for ya’?”
  92. “Yes!” you practically shout. Finally someone who knows exactly what you want.
  93. > “Shoot, I could do that for you. I cut Big Mac’s hair all the time. Keeps it out of his eyes while he works.”
  94. 7/x
  95. > You could almost leap for joy. That is exactly what you wanted to hear! Finally, your long search over!
  96. “Thanks AJ!” You quickly leap to your feet, “You’re a life saver, I’ve been looking for someone who can do this for me all day!”
  97. > “It ain’t no trouble at all Anon.” Applejack replies, leading you into one of the barns. “You should have come here in the first place.”
  98. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I do that next time.” You assure her as you step inside. It looks like this barn is used more for storing tools rather than hay or animals.
  99. > She leads you to a large wooden stool and you sit down. After a few moments, Applejack drapes a large sheet around your shoulders to keep the hair of your clothes. Now this is more like it.
  100. > You hear some rummaging behind you as you idly tap your fingers on your knee beneath the sheet.
  101. > You probably won’t get the most stylish haircut from AJ, but it can’t be that bad right? Maybe you could go for something rough and simple.
  102. > “Aha, gotcha! Now hold still Anon, this won’t take but a minute.”
  103. > You turn your head, about to give AJ a few pointers on how you like your hair done.
  104. > You heart skips a few beats. Those are NOT scissors. The horrifying shears in AJ’s mouth look more fit to shear sheep than cut hair!
  105. > “Anon?” Applejack asks through the handle of the shears, “You okay there partner? You’re twitching.”
  106. 8/x
  107. > After kindly turning down AJ’s offer, (No, you did not run away screaming like a girl), you find yourself once again in P0nyville proper.
  108. > You sit on the edge of the decorative fountain near town hall, bemoaning your bad luck.
  109. > At this rate, you’ll either end up with hair down to your shoulders or some hideous mop on your head. Seriously, could this day get any worse?
  110. > “There you are Anon!”
  111. > O’ Lord, why hath thou forsaken me?
  112. > A positively fuming Rarity storms up the street, complete rage filling her eyes.
  113. > “We have nearly missed your appointment with the mane stylist, so you are coming with me, NOW!”
  114. > Quick brain, think of something!
  115.  “Oh my gosh! Hoity Toity and Fancypants are totally making out over there!”
  116. > “Where???”
  117. > By the time Rarity looks back, the only thing left of you is a rapidly diminishing dust cloud in the distance.
  118. 9/x
  119. > You collapse into a park bench a few minutes later. You let your head fall back and just stare at the clouds slowly passing overhead.
  120. > That’s it. You’re done. You give up. The day is nearly over and there is no way you’re doing this again tomorrow.
  121. > There is not a single pony in this village that can give you a simple haircut
  122. > “Hey Snails, look it’s Amon!”
  123. > “I thought his name was ‘hoo-man’?”
  124. > “No, his name is Amon, and he is a ‘hoo-man’. That would be like me calling you ‘unicorn’.”
  125. > “But I am a unicorn!”
  126. > “Yeah but it isn’t your name!”
  127. > “It could be!”
  128. > Great, this is JUST what you needed right now, a visit from the resident glue eaters.
  129. “Look you two,” you begin, struggling to keep your voice under control, “I have had a VERY bad day, so could you two just leave me alone?”
  130. > “Maybe we could help?” Snips offers
  131. > “Yeah, we’re good at fixing stuffs!” Snails chimes in.
  132. > “Usually stuff we broke,” Snails clarifies, “But still! C’mon, give us a chance.”
  133. “Let me think about that... No.” you reply. “Now scram.”
  134. > “Alright alright, jeez. There’s no need to be rude.” The two finally get the idea and turn around, walking away.
  135. > Something catches your eye. You immediately step forward, grabbing the fat one by his tail
  136. “Hold up.” You demand, narrowing your eyes, “You. Snips. What’s your ass tattoo mean?”
  137. > “My Cutie Mark?” he asks, looking back at it, “I dunno. I just got it one day while cutting up some string. I guess it means I’m good at cutting stuff?”
  138. > That has to be the lamest story of self-discovery you have ever heard. But…
  139. > God dammit, you’re probably going to regret this…
  140. “Hey Snips, what do you think about cutting hair?”
  141. 10/x
  142. > “Alright, all done!” Snips proclaims from behind you.
  143. > This is the moment of truth. You gingerly pick up a mirror, hoping the damage isn’t too bad.
  144. > Actually… it isn’t that bad. It’s actually pretty good. Great even. You have to hand it to that kid, he’s a natural. This is probably one of the best haircuts you’ve ever had.
  145.  “Thanks kid” you say to Snips as you toss him a couple of bits for the trouble
  146. > “No problem Amon!” He enthusiastically waves to you as you head out the door.
  147. > You practically skip as you head back home. This day might have gotten off to a rough start, but at least it ended on a high note.
  148. > After a simple dinner and some reading, it’s finally time you head back to bed. You walk into your bedroom, yawning and scratching your face.
  149. > You freeze mid-step, hand still on your chin as a horrible realization washes over you.
  150. > You need to shave.
  151. 11/11