Enginon in Equestria

>Be a feller called 'Anon' on account ah you can't recalect a dern thing about yer eye-dennity.

>There's somethin' you sure and shoot recall though...

>Engineerin'

>You may not be able to solve such philosophical quandaries such as 'who am I?' Or 'Why in the Sam Hill am I in a world fullah ponies what look, smell and taste like marshmallow fluff. But you reckon' that's alright.

>You solve practical problems.

>Fer instance. What's a body to do when some big mean muther hubbin' minahtaur decides yew looked at his girl funneh.

>Simple. Just rewire the capacitor and actuator in yer right hand what's made outta highly advanced ee-lec-tronic doohickeys or "magic" as yer adorableh nah-eeve friend Twilight calls it, and tase em' like an over zealous quarterback on prom night.

>So yew did.

>An' now yer sittin' in a jail cell in Canterlot, waitin' tah be bailed out by said magical grape flayvered, horn-ed E-Quine.

>...

>Shoot.

>Least they let yah keep yer guitar.

 

>There in lies some other bits a nuanced mystery.

>Yew can't 'member a dern thing 'bout yerself.

>No name.

>No home address.

>Not even yer favorite color...though a real safe bet ought a' be red.

>Seein' as bout every gol-dern you were wearin' when yew landed yer bee-hind here was all pleasantly coordinated shades ah said hue.

>You could remember other things though. Like how some song called 'Ring ah Fire' by a feller named 'Cash' was played, sung and orchestrated.

>Yew think yah liked Cash.

>He gave not one single Texas got-damn.

>Just like yerself.

>"Prisoner. A Ms. 'Twilight Sparkle' here to see you."

"Much obliged fer the warnin' part. I needed a moment to make sure I was decent 'afore entertainin' high class company."

>That there guard jus' gives yew a look deader n' a 12 point buck on the wron end of a Pickup.

>"..."

>Philistinian. Evereh one ah these midget horses.

>"Ms. Sparkle, you may enter."

 

>"Anon, what the hoof! This is the third time this week I've had to come get you from the guard station! Your behavior is unstable and starting to seriously try my patience."

>Yew always found it funneh when folks try tah rustle yer jimmies like this.

>Don't nobody rustle yer jimmies.

"Now Twahlight jes calm yer sparkleh purple rear end down. I was simpleh-"

>"No. No, Anon. I won't be swayed by your deceitfully rural musings this time."

>She's gone and pulled out some kinna' list now.

>Hoo boy this ain't gonna be pretty.

>"Simple assault, three counts. Destruction of private property, four counts. Drunk and disorderly conduct, Seven-'teen' counts-Anon!"

>She's tossed the list aside and is lookin' mighty flustered.

>Yer pretty sure yew didn't have a sister back wherever it is you hailed from but Twi sure did try to act like one to yah.

>"This has gotten 'entirely' out of hoof!"

>Dern shame she' so cute when she's mad otherwise yew might feel bad er somethin'

>...maybe.

>"The princesses only agreed to let you stay here in Canterlot on 'my' request to study you and your technology. If you cause any more trouble like this they might-"

>"Ms. Sparkle."

>That there Plebian guard is back. Maybeh his primitive mind finalleh grasped the intricacies of yer finely honed humor.

>"Your errm...'Dragon' seems to have vomited fire onto the waiting room couch...it contained this message for you."

>Well, shoot guess not. He's jes handin' Twilight some ole scroll.

>Ah well, back tah 'Cash' what verse was it yew were on?

>Ah, right.

>"Oh no..."

"Burned...by my desire."

>" Anon...it's from the princess...she says she wants a very serious meeting about your place in Equestria..."

"Ah fell in, to ah ring ah Fire."

>"The council wants you banished..."

 

~

 

>Now this wasn't the first time you'd found yerself in Canterlot castle.

>Matter ah fact it was the first place you ended up when you crashed rear-first into the Princess' breakfast cake.

>You even recall yer first words to that giant white flyin' narwhal horse-woman.

>"Who in the Sam Hill eats coconut 'cake' fer breakfast!?"

>Heh

>A Rembrandt ah comedic stylings. That's yew.

>Either way yah got locked up real fast, like. There was some kinna scuffle involved.

>It was all sort of a blur now that yew ponder upon it.

>Either way after an indeterminate amount ah time at the bottom of an oubliette danker than the finest drow this side ah the California coast yew were set loose long as you let Sparkle-rump examine yer hand and interview yah about yer old home world.

>All in all, a pretty sweet gig.

>"All rise for the entrance of their royal majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!"

>Oh my. Seems in yer ponderous mental wandrins yew've missed yer own arrival tah the council chambers.

>Shoot. This oughta be good.

 

 

>"Thank you, council. You may be seated."

>Yew kinna took a shine to ol' Sunbutt once yah got over her disgusting confectionary convictions.

>"We shall now preside over this trial to decide the fate of the human, Anonymous. Will the council please address their position and complaints?"

>She was mighty friendly.

>"We of the council believe the human anonymous to be a waste of royal resources, time and most importantly a public nuisance and danger."

>Pretty...s'far as horses go yew reckon.

>"...Several counts of criminally appalling behavior..."

>Sure was gen'rous. Set you up real nice in magic horse castle land.

>"Violent...crude and utterly disrespectful of our way of life."

>Why she'd be dern near perfect if not fer-

>"Which is why we motion for this...creature. To be removed from Equestrian lands post haste! Preferably left in the Northern wastes to fend for itself amongst the gryphons, in the south so it can left with the other beasts in the Everfree...or Tartarus...where it almost certainly came from."

>"Your concerns are most valid, good councilponies."

>Her sister.

>Yew admit there wasn't much you knew bout Celestia's sister Luna.

>Didn't cotton to gatherin' much info tah be honest. All you knew issat there was somethin' bout the nag you jes didn't...COULDN'T trust.

>Semthin' bout er hair...or er wings...or er coat. All that same, sicknin' color.

>Blue.

>Sakes a fuckin'live you HATED the color blue.

>"What say you, Anonymous?"

"Hwat?"

>Hwat?

>Ah shoot.

>Yer darn figgerin' distracted yah from the situation at hand...what was it again?

>"What reason can thou provide my sister and I to 'not' toss thee to the wilds!?"

 

>Ah, right. Yer bout tah be banished.

>Cash is still the coolest cowpoke since Frosty...but maybeh you ought'tah start given a fuck once in awhile.

>"Princesses please! Anonymous isn't some monster! He's misguided, yes. Crude. Drinks a tad too much but-"

>"Exactly Ms. Sparkle. The council finds these very traits to be why the royal office should NOT be supporting him."

>"We could not agree more heartily either. Even after all that was done to ensure your safe integration amongst our ponies you 'still' manage to allow the burden of keeping you well to outweigh your usefulness."

>"There's so much I have left to LEARN from him though! Anonymous' world is amazing! They have such incredible technology and culture. Their artists are geniuses! Their leaders and scientists  visionary! And-"

>"And Anonymous is none of those things. Despite your time as my sister's student you do not seem to understand the implications of his presence here. There are risks to the general populace and common welfare involved in continuing to support him."

>"There's the damage to diplomatic relations to consider as well! Do we not all recall what he did at the peace summit!?"

>Well shucks how were yew s'posed tah know 'Cowboy' was a racial slur tah Minotaurs?...an' steer...an' heffer...an' longhorn.

>"We'll there's more to gain by giving him another chance!"

>"He hath had plenty of chances! There is-"

"There is a hell of a lotta' folks doin' the talkin' FOR me when they shouldn't..."

>...

>"...Very well, Anonymous. Please. Make your appeal."

>Good ol' Solarrump finally pipes up.

 

 

"Now Ah' know how Ah been actin' and yer right it twern't real neighborly ah me tah be causin' all this ruckus."

>What the blu- err Red blazes are yew doin'?

"But. I ain't no fiend. Or monster or 'public endangerment'."

>You emphasize that technical term with the most technical ah finger quotation marks.

"What I am is an engineer...and I'm bored. Border an' a Vegas gamblin' addict hearin' the life story of ah nun."

>Yew reach on intah yer oversized front pocket and whip out yer trusty ol' wrench. The electro-magnets innit make it lock to your metal hand with ah' pleasant 'clang'.

"Ah solve problems...practical problems...an' all yew con sarn-ed horses have done since Ah 'got' here is argue over the philosophic implications ah mah existence and shuttle me around like a damn slaughterhouse hog."

>The room looks a tad taken aback at yer juxtaposition ah the words 'slaughter' and 'hog'...

>Oh right.

>Pig's er people here.

>eh whatever, back tah the monologue.

"Ah'm goin' crazier than a fox tied up outside a henhouse. I jes ain't got nutin' tah put mah nervous; an' quite abundant, mental energies toward..."

>Yew pull down yer helmet. Goodness knows yew wish it were a Stetson.

>Stetson's were the ol' Bee's knees.

>Unlike fedoras.

>Where were yah?

>Oh right. Seems yew inadvertently created a dramatic pause with yer ever runaway train ah thought.

"What Ah'm sayin' issat Ah'm sorry...Ah jes ain't got a purpose without summin' tah build, fix er rig up. Doesn't help ah course that Ah'm lih-trahlly the onleh one ah mah kind there ever is or will be in this nightmare of ah' skittles commercial ya'll call a world but those aren't the kinna things Ah tackle..."

>The room stays dead sihlent.

>"Very well."

"Hwat?"

>Hwat?

 

>"If it is problems to solve that you require to stay sane, then that is what you shall receive."

> Celestia's lookin' at yew like yew was the blue ribbon bull.

>Dang. How does she make a room fill up with all them...wachacallit? Good vibes.

>"Sister, we do not think allowing this ruffian to solve anything would be-"

>"Luna. Was not an opportunity at redemption a moment of pure forgiveness without expectations that allowed you to even sit beside me this day?"

>"..."

>Yeah, shettep yeh blue brained old horse-featherin'-

>"Anon?"

>That's yew, Newton.

"Er, Yessum?"

>"You shall be placed under the care and supervision of my most trusted student. Twilight Sparkle."

>"Yes!"

>Aw, no.

>"You shall accompany her to her home in Ponyville."

>"Yes!"

>Aww, No.

>"There. You shall follow her instructions on proper socialization and the magic of friendship."

>"Oh, Anon! It'll be like a non-stop sleepover! I've read all about those!"

>Yew have the distinct urge tah shoot yerself at the notion.

>Wait gol' dern second yew've used 'shoot' as en expletive but never a verb.

>The heck does 'shoot' mean as a ver-

>"Anonymous will also be tasked with fixing any and all 'practical' problems that arise. In doing so he can both share his knowledge with Equestria and spread good will amongst the ponies."

>Eh, whatever. Probleh jes a slip ah the ol' mental tongue.

>"I hereby call this trial to a close!"

>"Well, Anon you'd better get some rest. We're headed to Ponyville!"

>Looks like yer gettin' rustled off to a whole new place.

>Ah place where ponies got problems.

>Yer kinna problems.

"Cowboy up."

>"I'd really prefer of you didn't swear like that along the way, though."

>...Ah shoot.

 

~

 

>Day shoot yew dunno it's like year two in EquestriARRRBALLLRRRRGH!

"Pheh!...Sheeeeoot."

>Yer flyin' now. Off tah the little ol' town Celestia saw fit tah send yeh.

>Sakes alive yew hate flyieerrrrYAAARRGH!

>"Anon. I could just cast a sleep spell. Then atleast you wouldn't be expelling your lunch every 6.4 minutes."

"Thanks Twi but 'herk'!"

>Uh uh. Nope. Not lettin' it.

>Hold, stomach. Hold yah gol dern sumbitch.

"..."

>"..."

"Alright...think ah staved that one o-HORRRRACCCCH!"

>"Anon!"

"Damnit, woman Ah can't help it! Why couldn't this ah been done by telaportin? You know I love telaportin."

>Yew sure did, too. Seemed tah ease yer mind for some reason

 

>Alright, c'mon Anon. Yer tougher than a little ol' flyin' chariot ride.

>Yew can handle dern near eight bottles ah hard cider.

>Yeh can handle a gryphon and this best friend and their mama with the busted half ah one ah them bottles.

>So yew sure as shit can handle some measly. Namby Pamby little carriage rihhhh-

"-HORK-"

>"Look Anon! There's Ponyville!"

>Yew were a tad too preoccupied with examinin' yer egg salad sammich and fish sticks reach terminal velociteh.

>"Oh Anon I just can't wait to introduce you to everyone! Fluttershy and Dash and Rarity and Pinkie and Eek!"

>Now yew weren't some kinna expert on Unicorn Anatomy er nutin'.

>Yeh were just sick and tired ah spewin' yer got' damn insihdes.

>Mostly jes sick.

>So. Yah figured what the hell? Take the bull by the horns.

>Er Unicorn in this case.

>By the horn.

>Singular, like.

>The result. As fortune would have it, was the aforementioned sleep spell ya'll hypothesized the grape colored equine had charged and ready.

>A slight 15 degree tweak and -BZZT-

>Sahweet release.

>"Hmph!...Anon you jerk..."

 

>Buhlackness.

>"Land sake Twi I knew yah said ee' wuz funneh lookin'. I jes waddn't expectin...er"

>"For him to be a freak?"

>"Dash! Shush. That's no way to speak of a new acquaintance."

>"I think his overalls look silly! I hope he likes parties!"

>"You gonna give him a choice about whether or not he comes?"

>"Hmmmm nope!"

>-Caclingaling-

>"Um...hello? Sorry I was late."

>"Ah! Fluttershy you're here! Now all we need to is await Anon's emergence from his induced comatose sta-"

"Ah been up fer bout the past minute er so."

>"EEE!" "TARNATION!" "AHH!" "YAYYYY! Scary surprises!" "...-squeek-"

>Shoot. That was bout near the cutest damn thing yew'd ever seen in all yer days.

>Note tah self. Scare pone as often as reasonably possible.

 

>"Anon! How many times are you going to raise my blood pressure today!?"

"Long as it stays funneh, Twi. Heheh."

>"Hm. He's a tad uncouth isn't he?"

"Yew mus' be Rarity."

>"Oh my. Does my 'illustrious reputation precede me all the way in Canterlot? I suppose it was inevitable that I-"

"Nah. It was a long carriage ride over."

>Yer metal hand fishes down intah yer overalls fer the treat ye'hd saved fer when the trip was done.

"Twi here's about as good at keepin' er gab shut as a bear is at cross stitch knittin'."

>"Um...excuse me? Mr. Anon?"

"Eh?"

>This was so gonna worth it. Can't enjoy a good ceegar when yer pukin' harder than an amateur runway model.

>Little flick ah the ol' sparker thumb.

>"Muh...Mr. Bear's actually been doing quite well in his knitting class. It's a um..."

>Aw, tar'nation' that's a smooth drag.

>Hold it.

>Hold it.

>"A cruel stereotype to assume Ursine's can't-ACK! ah-choo. Ah!...choo."

>Did that banana flayvered wing-horse jes cough in the negative decible range?

>Aderable.

>"That there a Richmond?"

>Hwat?

"Hwat?"

>"Smells lahk a Richmond. Priceh but werth it Ah here."

>Hole up.

>Wait a minute.

>Did this tineh horse wearin' a cowboy hat jes say somethin' that wadn't bout rainbows er clouds er hugs er...oh wait.

>Cowboy hat.

>Tarnation.

>Yer gonna like it here.

 

>"Twilight darhling isn't that dreadful -thing- your guest is puffing on a -eck- fire hazard?"

>"I live with a baby dragon, Rarity. What kind of librarian would I be without a cautionary fire-proofing spell on every book?"

"Then why in the sam hill are yeh floatin' mah stogey outta' mah hands?"

>"Because it's gross."

>-Phsss-

>Feckin' grape wizard horse.

>"Oh don't be grumpy Anon. Here, you can have it back just don't light it in the library."

"Why I oughta' mermememr."

>"What was that?"

"...Yer horn looks crooked from when ah cranked it earlier."

>Sudden, like. The whole room's starin' at Twi like she'd just been tar and feather-ed.

>Twi's also shifted outta' her usual shade ah Periwinkle inta a strikin' hue ah crimson.

>"Twi ah didn't know ya'll and the er...Ape man? Were involved that way."

>Oh...OH!

>...erectin' yer shit eatin' grin.

>Twi's humiliated.

>But yew have a distinct advantage in sitcheeations lahk these.

>Yeh ain't got a lick a shame.

 

"Why Twilight. Ah'm mortified that yer ashamed ah our yewnion."

>"ANON!"

>She's tossin' books at yer noggin'.

>Oh she mad.

>Good thing you wear a helmet.

>An' don't give a fuck.

"Ahhahahah! Wassa matter Twi? 'Fraid yer friends might catch monkeh fever and steal me away?"

>A slight wink toward the uptight white one earns yah a thesaurus tah the cranium.

>"Guys I- it's not like that! Anon was just uncomfortable and ill on the ride over and I offered to help him relax an-"

"An yew shurrre did that. Slept like a baby all the rest ah the trip."

>Yer not sure who 'HP Hoofcraft' is but his complete works sure are hefteh.

>Maybe you oughtah' start duckin'.

>...nah. This is worth it.

>"Pfff ahaha! Twi you should see your face!"

>Looks like one ah these here marshmellow pones gets yer cutting humor.

"Least somebodeh 'round here appreciates my comical styli-"

>Blue.

>Blue as blue as blue can be.

>"You're alright monkey man! Put er there!"

>She's offerin up her hoof.

>Her filtheh. BLUE

>Man, iffun yew had yer shotgu-CRITICAL BRAIN ERROR

>Yeowch. What in hell? This again? What was that word that caused yer mental crash? Somethin' with an S...shoot? Shucks?

>"Hi! I like your crazy metal hand thing! How does it work!? Did you make it!? I make things! Like my party cannon!"

>The hell is a party canno-

>Oh.

>Oh My.

>Suddenly yew recall ah feller from yer old world called "Takei".

>Yah think he'd be excited this bee-aye yootiful cylindrical lookin' device.