Drury Lane: Chapter 8 -P.V. Noire-

>Day 700 in Equestria

>You and Pinkie sat among dozens of ponies outside the Ponyville schoolhouse.

>Today was the day of the local talent show, the homeless filly, which you named "Hush" for hilarious and touching reasons, had been practicing her routine for some time now.

>Her routine taught to her by Trixie.

>Who just so happened to sit next to you.

>At least she wasn't in her wizard get up, that shit just got annoying.

>Trixie, for the past month, had gotten close to Hush, so close that she's now undertaken the responsibility of raising her. Pinkie had interjected when you said you would adopt the young filly at your birthday party, saying "You are not ready to be a daddy." You whined all night, only further proving her point.

>Trixie, however, decided to take her in, and began teaching her stage magic. Being an Earth pony, Hush was thoroughly excited to be learning magic, even if it was just smoke and mirrors.

>You leaned over to Trixie and whispered.

"When is she coming on? I seriously cannot take anymore of this Shakespeare bullshit Diamond Tiara is spouting out."

>For the last hour, Diamond Tiara has been performing Billygoat Shakespeare's "Pony-O and Juliet."

>It's worse than the original.

>And Tiara was playing ALL the parts.

>If there were guns in this world, you would have blown your brains out by now.

>Trixie gives a small laugh, and whispers back to you.

>"She's the last one performing."

"Last? Why?"

>"Because you save the best for last, of course."

"I swear, if Hush ever refers to herself in the third person, you're dead."

>"Hush is mute, Anon."

"Clam it, you blue whore."

>You're brought back to reality when you realize that the crowd is clapping.

>Diamond Tiara is done.

>THANK GOD.

>Cheerilee trots up on the stage to a microphone and taps it to see if it's still working.

>Cheerilee: "Thank you, Diamond Tiara, for that... interesting interpretation of classical literature.

"IT SUCKED BIG MAC'S BALLS."

>Everyone is silent and all eyes are on you.

>Pinkie scolds you with her gaze, but winks quickly.

>Looks like she agrees.

>Cheerilee: "...Anyway, here's Hush with a magic show."

>Pinkie jumps into the air and screeches in delight, while Trixie claps lightly.

>From stage left comes Hush, decked in Trixie's outfit.

>The hat is clearly too big for her.

>For the next ten minutes, Hush does standard magic tricks. She pulls rabbits from hats, makes flowers appear from underneath silk sheets, the list goes on.

>The crowd gets more and more invested as time goes on as well.

>She's not up to the standard that Trixie is at, but for a beginner she's doing well.

>After finishing a trick involving a rather large buzzsaw, Hush races offstage and returns, wheeling out a large cabinet.

>She rolls it out center stage, and then faces the audience, wide eyed but confident.

>And then she just sits there.

>Aaaaand sits there.

>Why is she just sitting there doing no- OH GOD SHE'S MUTE.

>MUTE MAGICIAN

"ARE YOU WAITING FOR A VOLUNTEER?"

>The crowd stares at you again, stern expressions on their faces.

"Oh fuck you all, I'm uncle of the goddamn century."

>You leap onto the stage and take a bow, turning to Hush.

>She smiles and opens the cabinet, motioning you to step inside.

>Once in, she shuts the door and stamps her hoof three times, and flings the door open.

>The crowd goes wild.

>What?

>Why are they going nuts?

>And why can't I see them?

>This is just we- I'M UNDER THE STAGE

>You look up, and see that you have fallen through a trapdoor in the stage, and that the crowd has no idea you've simply fallen a good three feet.

>Hush closes the door to the cabinet again, and stamps her hoof three times.

>Finally catching on, you zip back up the trap door and close it, right before Hush swings the door open to reveal your reappearance.

>CROWD GOES WIIIIIIIIIIILD.

>Hush takes a bow, and you join her as the two of you bound off the stage.

"Oh you little mute fucker, that was great!"

>Hush gives you a big smile and sprints off to Pinkie, who scoops her up in her arms and swings her around, laughing madly.

>PP: "That was AMAZING! I had no idea you could do magic that outstanding! You know what this calls for?"

>Oh balls, YES.

>You zoom over to Pinkie Pie, the two of you giggling like a bunch of nerds at the debut of The Dark Knight Rises.

"A PARTY!!!"

>Trixie: "I'm afraid that's going to have to wait."

>You and Pinkie let out a loud groan as Trixie shoots down your plans.

>Trixie: "Hush has to help me get all of her gear back to my caravan. After that, I need to have a chat with her about using my cabinet for that little stunt back there."

>Hush blushes in embarrassment and scuffs the ground with a hoof, dejectedly.

>Trixie gives her a stern look, but then nuzzles her face.

>Trixie: "You did wonderfully. But you need to alert me next time you take a major piece from my caravan. Anon, Pinkie."

>You nod, and wrap Hush up into a tight hug, ruffling her hair.

>Trixie takes Hush back to the stage to work, and you and Pinkie return to Sugarcube Corner.

"So what did you think of the show?"

>"I liked it! There were some really good routines out there. Nothing that had to do with parties or cake though..."

"I liked Snips and Snails' routine."

>"The Abbot and Coltstello bit?"

"Yeah."

>"Yeah I liked that one too. 'Who's on first, what's on second, I don't know's on thi- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

>"AAAAAAAAAGH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

>NO CAKES

>WHERE ARE ALL THE CAKES AND COOKIES

>OH DEAR GOD IT'S A HELLISH NIGHTMARE

>You enter the bakery to see that all of your delicious confections and treats have been pilfered.

>Snatched.

>Burgled.

>Fucking STOLEN.

>Nothing is left. Absolutely nothing.

>Not even a single muffin top.

>This is the worst possible thing.

>"Wha-wha-wha-what happened? Where are the cakes? Where are the cookies? The pies? The eclairs, the donuts, the cupcakes? Who would DO THIS?!"

"A fucking monster, that's who. Only a demon from the nether would go to such great lengths to steal all that we hold near and dear to us."

>"Anon, this isn't right. This... this is just WRONG, Anon."

"It's alright Pinkie. We're going to be fine."

>"Hold me."

"I shall."

>As you console your beloved, an idea pops into your head.

>A glorious idea.

"Pinkie, you know what we have to do?"

>"Call the police and wait for them to find the culprit?"

"Fuck no. We find the thief ourselves and bring him or her to JUSTICE."

>Pinkie's wearing a fedora and a suit, smoking a cigarette, her body silhouetted in the shadows of the bakery.

>So are you.

>Pinkie takes a long, deep drag, and exhales smoothly.

>"Lets go find this son-of-a-bitch."

>Initiate Film Noire Mode

-------

7:23PM, Sugarcube Corner

>You and Pinkie examine the bakery, searching for any clue that might give you an edge in finding the bastard that robbed you.

>The chill of night crept into the room you were in.

>Strange, the front door was closed, the window was intact.

>Yet there was a slight breeze.

>"Hey boss, I may have found something."

>Pinkie's right. The back door is unlocked and open a crack. Looks like the culprit came in through there.

>You crouch down, examining your surroundings.

>Crumbs. Not a lot, but enough to pick up a trail.

>You also detect something else in the air.

"Hey Pinks, you smell that?"

>Pinkie sniffs the air, trying to get at what you're jiving about.

>"That mint?"

"Yeah. Whoever did this likes to keep fresh. C'mon, we can follow this crumb trail to whoever ran off with the goods."

>"Right behind you, chief."

-------

7:47PM, Ponyville Townsquare.

>The town was quiet and sleepy, ponies locking up for the night and heading off to bed.

>You and Pinkie walked through the streets, the only light being from Luna's moon, shadows being thrown from the corners of houses.

>The trail ended at the foot of a bench.

"Trial goes cold here. Let's look around, see if we find anything."

>"On it."

>You begin inspecting the area around the bench, taking in as many details as you can.

>You can't find anything around the area. You sit down on the bench, and take a drag of your cigarette in cool contemplation.

>Then something on the bench catches your eye.

>A single strand of hair.

>You pick up the strand and examine it.

>Green.

>Mint green.

>You smell the air, and sure enough the crisp smell of mint permeates the area around you faintly.

"Pinkie, I got a lead. Strand of a mane, mint green. May belong to our perpetrator."

>"I'm getting that smell in the air again too. Maybe we can... did you see that?"

>She points towards an alleyway, and you can make out the silhouette of a unicorn peering at you.

>Before you and Pinkie can react, she's gone in the blink of an eye.

>"Should we go after it?"

"No. No we'll let her go for now. C'mon, we'll cut her off at her house."

>"Her? House? You know who that was?"

>Taking another hit of your cigarette, you give a wry smile to Pinkie.

"What other pony is there in Ponyville that's a unicorn and mint green?"

-------

8:28PM Pony Residence

"Wake up."

>Lyra's head was woozy. Someone had hit her from behind when she wasn't looking while making pudding in her kitchen.

>She tried to rub the back of her head, but her arms were tied behind her.

>So were her legs.

"Good. Worried you would be out all night. Now we can start our little chat."

>Lyra: "What is this? Who are you?"

>You step into the light of the lightbulb swinging above where Lyra sat, a stern look on your face.

"Where are the baked goods?"

>Lyra: "The what?"

"Don't you fucking play games with me. Answer my goddamn question."

>Lyra: "What are you talking about?"

>Pinkie gets in Lyra's face, brandishing her frying pan.

>PP: "Did he STUTTER? WHERE ARE OUR CAKES?"

"Easy Pinkie."

>PP: "I swear if this bitch keeps jerking me around I'll do her in right here, right now!"

>Lyra: "I have no idea what you're talking about! What baked goods?!"

>Pinkie produces a bottle and proceeds to break it against a table.

>PP: "I WILL CUT YOU, YOU MINT GREEN WHORE. WHERE ARE THE SWEETS?"

>Lyra: "What?!"

>Pinkie rushes at Lyra, picking her up and slamming her against the wall.

>She's in a Batman costume now.

>PP: "WHERE ARE THEY?!"

>Lyra: "OH MY GOD, WHAT?!"

>PP: "TELL ME WHERE YOU HID THEM."

>Lyra: "I SWEAR I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM YOU, I SWEAR TO GOD!"

>PP: "SWEAR TO ME."

>Pinkie raises a fist to strike batty-justice into Lyra's terrified face, but you gab it, stopping her.

"Wait... she's telling the truth."

>PP: "What? How do you know?"

"Notice anything about the way the room smells? Or how she smells?"

>Pinkie pauses, and sniffs the air, then Lyra.

>PP: "I don't smell anything. What does this have to do... with... I don't smell anything. I... DON'T smell anything."

"Exactly."

>Pinkie releases Lyra, who is now jabbering to herself after being assaulted by vengeance incarnate.

>You crouch down to her, and speak softly.

"Lyra, listen to me very carefully. I think we're close to catching our sweet-thief. Whoever it is, it's a unicorn like you."

>Lyra: "B-but... there are tons of unicorns in Ponyville! How can you find-"

"A unicorn exactly like you, but smells a certain way. Like mint."

>Lyra: "Mint? What in Equestria are you ta-... a unicorn that smells... minty?"

>You nod.

>Lyra stares at you, but pauses to think, before answering.

>Lyra: "Colgate."

-------

10:51PM Residence of one "Colgate"

>You and Pinkie stood outside of Colgate's house, the two of you wielding frying pans.

>You look to Pinkie and nod, and she kicks down Lyra's door with a powerful buck.

>You rush in, and see your beloved confections littered around the room.

"Looks like she has... a bit of a sweet tooth..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoPWALM2riQ&feature=related

>"Well well well, looks like you found me out."

>In the doorway stands Colgate, her mouth covered in chocolate and frosting.

"Why, Colgate? Why did you steal from us?"

>You and Pinkie aim you frying pans at Colgate like firearms.

>It just feels right.

>Colgate: "You can't imagine what it's like to not have sweets... I have to control myself. Otherwise, my pearly whites would just get RUINED. But you know what? I enjoyed robbing you of your sweets. I enjoyed it, and I'm going to enjoy eating them ALL."

>Suddenly Pinkie Pie lets out a battle cry that would make Conan the Barbarian shit his britches.

>She's on Colgate like a moth to a flame, but the moth is kicking the ever living shit out of the fire.

>It takes all your strength to pry her off the unicorn, who is now whimpering in pain and fear.

"It's okay Pinkie, it's over."

>She breathed heavy as she starts to calm down.

>"What... what will we do about her?"

"Don't worry, Spider-Man will take care of that."

>With that, Spider-Man proceeds to tie Colgate up to a lamp post in webbing, and he swings off into the distance."

>"Will he ever show up in this story again?"

"Nope."

>"Neato."

"Let's go home and play "Pony Candyland."

>"YAY! I call the Yellow piece!"

"You always get the yellow piece!"

>"Oh fine, I'll be the red piece and you you can be the yellow piece."

"I love you, you adorable, pink mare, you."

>She smiles and kisses you on the nose.

>"Let's go home."

"Let's."

 

~End of Chapter 8~