Drury Lane: Chapter 1.5 -Bandanna-

                                       Chapter 1.5

                                         BANDANNA

 

>You bounce down the road with Pinkie Pie on point.

>You can't even remember being this energetic before in Manehatten.

>Or in Appleloosa

>FUCKING APPLELOOSA

>Your meeting with Twilight went well for the most part, until you met Spike.

>You think that the exact words you used when you saw him were, "Oh fuck, a purple iguana."

>And after about an hour of playing, "Toss the Baby Dragon Carelessly Around a Crowded Library," with Pinkie Pie, you decided that the two of you had probably overstayed your welcome.

"Okay then, Pinkie. Where to next?"

>Pinkie puts a hoof to her chin in ponderous thought while still bouncing up and down.

>Fucking TALENT

>"Ooh! I know! We'll go visit Rarity!"

"I have no idea who that is, but I 'm already excited!"

>"You too?!"

"YES!"

>The two of you giggle like little fucking girls, but you have more of a manly-little-girl-giggle, so it's not gay.

>Not that having a gay little giggle is wrong.

>Cuz it ain't.

>Moving on.

>You and Pinkie make your way to wherever Rarity lives, and you can't keep from asking Pinkie more questions.

"So what do you do for fun around here? I mean, besides dragging people that you just met around to meet your friends?"

>She laughs a little and smiles.

>"Oh I dunno, I really like singing and dancing, and throwing parties for my friends, and baking cakes and cookies and cupcakes and pies and-"

"Whoa wait you bake? Really?"

>She beams pridefully and nods.

>"Yup! In fact, I just so happen to work at the bakery you were chewing on a little while ago."

"The one made of oak and not gingerbread?"

>"That's the one!"

"Yeah sorry about trying to eat your place of employment. It just looked... reeeaaaal fucking tasty."

>She snickers at your use of... FOAL... language (I'm so sorry it won't happen again)

"Heh, yeah I have sort of a potty mouth. If you don't approve, I think I can stop. Maybe. Give me time."

>Pinkie perks her ears up and gives a grin, shaking her head.

>"Oh please, it's not like you can actually shock me with naughty wo-"

"Thundercunt McFucklips."

>Pinkie trips over herself as she bursts into a fit of laughter.

>Yeah, you still got it.

>You look ahead and see what looks like a carousel... with a door and windows.

>God dammit is everything in this town something that's not supposed to be a house but IS a house?

"I take it THAT'S where Rarity lives?"

>Pinkie spots the carousel and looks at you wide eyed.

>"Are you a psychic, Annie-Me-Mouse?!"

"Anonymous."

>"Right. But are you?"

>Oh that's so cute, she thinks you're psychic. Better tell her the tru-

"YES. I CAN READ YOUR VERY MIND."

>"GASP! NO, YOU JEST!"

"NEIGH! (I'm so sorry) WATCH AS I TELL YOU YOUR FUTURE!"

>You place your magnificent magic-hands on Pinkie's head and begin rubbing them to and fro through her mane, drawing out her mind.

>She's totally going with it too.

>What a fucking PRO.

"I see... I SEE..."

>Pinkie's eyes get bigger and bigger in anticipation.

"I see you falling in love with a tall, dark, stranger!... But there is more.."

>"What?! What else do you hide from me, magic man?!"

"Your love will be wearing... he is wearing.."

>"What? What is he wearing? IS IT A DRESS OH PLEASE LET IT BE A DRESS THAT WOULD BE GRE-"

"A red ban-DANNA!"

>You give her a smarmy, wide open smile as you point at the bandanna around your neck, wiggling your eyebrows.

>"You're not a very good psychic."

"You're not a good mind reader volunteer."

>She sticks out her tongue and whips back around, and you two enter Rarity's house.

"Wow. This place is something fancy."

>"Rarity loves fancy things!"

"Yeah I can see that. Is this diamond? This looks like diamond."

>Rarity: "It most certainly IS diamond, so please don't touch it, thank you dear."

>A white unicorn gracefully trots out to the two of you and OH SHIT LOOK AT DEM CURLS.

"GodDAMN you have bitchin' hair."

>Rarity: "Excuse me?"

"I mean I've seen manes that look good before, but my GOD that's just luxurious as shit."

>Rarity: "I beg your pardon?"

"Pinkie your mane smells like cotton candy."

>PP: "Yup."

"Her mane is purple."

>PP: "Yup."

"Does that mean her mane smells like grapes?"

>Rarity: "What are you talking abou-"

>PP: "Omigosh I never considered that!"

"Would you like to perform science with me, Ms. Pie?"

>PP: "Certainly!"

>Rarity adopts a look of sheer horror as you, and Pinkie Pie, vigorously sniff her elegant mane.

>The look on her face is as if someone prodded her sphincter with a troll doll.

>Hard.

>Suddenly you and Pinkie are on the other side of the room, discussing your findings.

"Nothing?"

>"Nothing."

"Damn. I thought for a second I smelled something."

>"Nutmeg maybe?"

"Maybe, but it's too late to find out. Let's carry on."

>The two of you break your little huddle and you walk up to the disturbed Rarity.

"Sorry about that, it had to be done. Science. My name is Anonymous and I'm new to Po-"

>Rarity: "Did... did you two just SMELL my mane?"

"Yes ma'am."

>Rarity: "And you don't think that's in any way strange?"

>You look to Pinkie, who just shrugs.

"No ma'am. Science."

>Rarity gathers her composure as best as she can and clears her throat.

>Rarity:"Yes, well. You said you're name was Anonymous? It's... ever so nice to meet you. May I ask, what IS that around your neck?"

>You look down and fiddle with your bandanna a bit.

>Rarity: "Darling I can smell that old thing from here! What on earth were you doing, hiding in a dumpster yesterday?"

"Yep."

>Rarity: "Because it certainly smells like you-... What?"

"Long story, rather not go into it."

>Rarity: "But I ... alright fine. In any case, you absolutely REEK. Follow me, I'll get you into a shower."

 

-------

 

>Tossing your clothes out the bathroom door like Rarity told you to so that she could wash them, you step into the shower and turn the nobs.

>Warm water drops down on you and you feel relaxed.

"Damn I needed this. Time to get that Manehatten smell out of my hair."

>You grab a bottle of shampoo with the words, "Mane and Tail" written along it.

>You've been in Equestria for over a year now, but dammit you never got used to that kind of shit.

>You squeeze a bit of it into your hands and start to lather the fuck up.

>You close your eyes and take a nice, deep breath.

>The scent of lavender and cotton candy fills your nostrils.

>Well that's just a great combination! Sure smells nice, maybe you should buy some shampoo just like this when you have a job and can afford to bu-

>Your eyes shoot open and you bring the bottle to your face.

"Lavender."

>It doesn't say anywhere on the bottle the words "Cotton" nor "Candy."

"So why do I smell cotton candy?"

>"I dunno Ano-mano-mus. Maybe it's mislabeled?"

"Probably. I mean it's a simple marketing mistake, can't really get mad for PINKIE WHAT THE FUCK."

>Pinkie's poking her head through the curtains of the shower stall, looking up at you curiously.

>"What?"

>Your hands instantly shoot dick-ward to shield your jim jams from her sight.

>"You're trying to hide that? I guess that's cool, I already saw it like a minute ago so it's no big deal to me. Say, do you like bubble baths? I just love bubble baths!"

"Pinkie."

>"Oohooh! Do you think Rarity has a rubber ducky to play with? We could pretend we're pirates and the duck can be the Dread Pirate Rob-"

"PINKIE GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGEOUT."

Pinkie gives you a frown that could sink ships.

>"You... you don't want to play with me?"

"Well I'm naked and taking a shower, so now isn't an optimal time, no!"

>Her demeanor shifts now, and gives you a look that throws you off.

>It's a look of dead-sexy bedroom eyes.

"Uh, Pinkie?"

>She steps into the shower.

"Pinkie?"

>"We cold play a.. different game, if you want."

"Uh, I uhm.... I.."

 

-------

 

"CORPORAL PINKIE, THIS IS CAPTAIN SPACE JETS. DO YOU COPY?"

>"I read you loud and clear Captain Jets! Set phazers to KILL!"

"Jeez Pinkie that seems harsh all of a sudden..."

>"What? I'm a space pirate, I'm supposed to be mean."

"Point taken."

>The two of you have been running around the bathroom playing "Pirates in Space Doing Space Pirate Things" for a good half an hour now, water and bubbles are everywhere, and you're still naked.

>But you just don't care anymore.

>This pony is just too much FUN.

"Pinkie, I'm hit! AAaaarghghgh...."

>"nnnnNNNNNOOOOOOOO!"

>She tackles you into the shower and you hit your head on the tiles wall.

>DAMMIT OW DAMMIT OW

>"Oh, sorry Alan. You alright?"

"Anon."

>"Yes."

"Yeah. Never better."

>You both laugh and you rub your head in pain.

>Just then, the door opens.

>Rarity: "Anonymous, your clothes are clean! I'm just checking... up... on you..."

>Rarity stares at the site of you and Pinkie Pie in the shower together, her jaw dropping.

>PP: "Hey Rarity! You're just in time, want to play with us?"

>FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckthislooksBAAAAAAAAAAAAD

>Rarity's face turns a bright pink as she blushes from ear to ear, and slowly closes the door and leaves.

>PP: "RARITY COME BACK YOU CAN BE THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS!"

>GoddammitPinkiePie

 

-------

 

>You and Pinkie leave Rarity's house, Pinkie with a smile on her face and you with yours turning red with embarrassment when Rarity looks at you as you leave.

>There is absolutely no doubt in your mind that Rarity thinks you were doing the nasty with Pinkie in that bathroom.

>Nice first impression, shit-for-brains.

>But nothing happened in there!

>You just played with Pinkie! Nothing sexual!

>Nothing!

>Sure, you were naked and all BUT STILL.

>It was getting late, and you were getting a bit worn out from the events from the day.

"Hey Pinkie, are there any hotels or inns in Ponyville?"

>"Sure there are Anononoymouse! Why do you ask?"

"Anonymous."

>"Yep!"

"Well it's just that it's getting late, and I'm getting a little tired. I have a few bits left on me, so I thought I'd find a place to crash for tonight."

>She thinks for a moment or two, then jumps straight up when she gets an idea.

>"Oohoohooh! I know! You can stay at my house for tonight!

>Wait what?

"That's nice of you Pinkie, really, but I think I should maybe-"

>"Oh don't be such a silly filly, Annie!"

"Not my name."

>"Yup! You're my guest here in Ponyville, so I will gladly host you at my house.

"Since when did I become your official guest?"

>"Since you tried to eat a bit of my house, of course!"

>She's still all smiles and bright eyes.

>You can't help but smile and scoop her up in your arms, swinging her around in a hug as she giggles wildly.

"Alright then, you've convinced me! I appreciate it, really."

>You ruffle her poofy pink mane and let her down, the two of you walking back to Sugarcube Corner as the sun sets."

>"So Anonymous, what brings you to Ponyville anyways?"

>You crack a grin as she finally says your name correctly.

"Oh you know, I was chased by the cops."

>She lets out an excited "ooooOOOOOoooh!" as you begin to tell her about your adventures through Equestria.

>You get the feeling you're going to like it here.

 

~End of Chapter 1.5~