Drury Lane: Chapter 1 -Wanted-

                                       Chapter 1

                                        WANTED

 

>Day 520 in Equestria

>You were having an okay day, for the most part.

>Then you got busted by the fucking cops.

>So yeah, good day for the most part.

>You are Anonymous, and you're currently in a jail cell in downtown Manehatten.

>You've been jumping from city to city for the past year now, making your way through Equestria as best as you can.

>It seems like you being human doesn't shock many, if any, ponies at all. If anything, they're indifferent about it.

>You spent a season in Appleloosa as a bartender at the Salt Block, but life in the West really didn't seem to suit you.

>That and the locals didn't seem to take kindly to your "type."

>You wandered east, and eventually found yourself in Manehatten, working as another god damn bartender.

>At least the place you were working in was a classy looking restaurant.

>The pay was decent and you didn't get many drunks, but the luxury of the city left a bad taste in your mouth.

>One morning you arrived to find that someone had broken in through the back door of the restaurant.

>Grabbing a frying pan, you made your way into the pantry.

>Only to find a small light brown filly with a red bandanna.

>Somehow, she had managed to break open the door to the shop, and was eating loafs of bread you had stored in the back.

>She looked up at you with fear in her big green eyes, hunger etched onto her face.

>You had seen her before once or twice. She was homeless from what you could tell.

>You could easily trap her in the cupboard until the police arrived to come get her.

>Instead, you find a small saddle bag and fill it with food.

>Her eyes widen at the site of all the apples and bread loafs you've packed up.

>You don't say a word. You just nod at her as you place the bag on her back.

>She smiles, nods back, then darts out of the back door, almost tripping over herself.

>When the police ponies arrived you told them that somep0ny had broken into the restaurant, but that whoever did it was long gone now.

>They didn't believe you, claiming that it was most likely you who had done it.

>Being the only human in Manehatten, it made sense that they didn't trust you.

>And now you're sitting in jail, on a cot that's two sizes too small for you.

"This is just fucking perfect," you say to yourself, running a hand through your hair in silent frustration.

>Looking out of your cell, you see one of the guards walking by.

"Hey."

>He doesn't answer.

"Hey, I'm talking to you! What are you, fucking deaf?"

>The guard wheels around.

>"Shut it, shithouse. You're not worth a squirt of piss to me."

>You could see a key ring on him.

>Slowly, you begin to devise a cunning scheme.

>You walk up to the bars of your cell, and call out to the guard again.

"Oh pardon me, Sally. Didn't know I was hurting your feelings, Officer 'Marehood'."

>Now he's pissed.

>He's inches from you and barring his teeth.

>"Listen here fuckface. I don't like your jerkoff name. I don't like your jerkoff face. I don't like your jerkoff behavior, and I don't like YOU, jerkoff."

"Well ain't that a shame?"

>An arms shoots through the cell and you quickly grab his head and slam it into the bars.

>He quickly crumples to the ground, unconscious.

>Unlocking your cell with his keys, you toss the guard into your now empty cell and make your escape.

>SNEAK MODE ACTIVATE

>You tiptoe your way through the police station, hiding behind office plants and water coolers as best as you can.

>Just as you near the exit, you hear it.

>"OI! That's they guy who punched out Mahonie! CUFF 'IM."

>Mahonie? The guard's name was Mahonie? Who the fuck names their kid Maho-

>FUCKSHITFUCKSHIT COPS EVERYWHERE RUN

>You sprint with the speed of about two Kenyans, just enough to keep distance between you and the cop ponies, who are lagging behind you.

>But they're gaining.

>You cut corners and cut through alleyways.

>You even barrel through a fruit stand.

>The Blues Brothers would be fucking PROUD.

>But still they chase you.

>Then you see something out of the corner of your eye.

>A small brown filly with bright green eyes waves to you near an alley entrance.

>You cut into the alley and spot her jumping into a dumpster.

>You quickly follow suit.

>The sound of hooves rattle on the concrete outside the dumpster and quickly fade away into the distance.

>You've lost them, and it's thanks to that homeless filly.

>You leap out of the dumpster, brushing off old newspapers and sticky apple cores from your clothes. The filly hops out and looks up at you, smiling.

>You beam down a smile of your own, kneel down, and hold out your fist.

>She doesn't know what you mean at first, but quickly gets the idea.

>A quick tap of the hoof on your hand signifies it. You are bound in bro tier bonds.

>Giving her a wave goodbye, you begin to jog towards the train station.

>You feel a tug at your pants leg and look down to see the filly trying to stop you.

>She removes her red bandanna and offers it to you, holding it in her mouth.

>You take it and tie it around your neck.

"Nice. Now I look like a scruffy bandito. Thanks kid."

>She smiles once more, then runs off down the alley and turns a corner.

>You resume your jog to the train station.

"Okay, Manehatten is a bust. Looks like I need to find a new place to stay for now."

>Arriving at the station you notice a train start to leave.

>Sprinting after it, you're able to hop onto the caboose and get inside.

>From the looks of it the car seems to be filled with mostly cargo.

>Sitting down in-between two large wooden boxes, you lean against the wall of the car and drift off to sleep.

>You seriously hope this train doesn't take you back to Appleloosa.

>Fuck Appleloosa.

 

-------

 

>The shrill twain of the train's whistle jars you awake as you knock your head onto the wooden box next to you.

>Fuckin-OW

>You make your way out of the caboose as you rub your head.

"Okay so where am I no-...... DAMN THAT'S COLORFUL."

>A large town lay before you, a small river running through it from a waterfall in the distance.

>You decide to take a little tour before the train personnel notices you creeping out of their cargo area.

>You stroll through the town, a skip in your step.

>This place isn't half bad!

>Hell even the ponies that live here are damn friendly.

>You wave to a mint green pony sitting in a bench with a friend of hers.

>She smiles and waves back.

>See? DAMN friendly.

>You pass by book stores and coffee shops, taking in the sights and smells.

"You know, I like this place! Wonder if there's anyp0ny who needs work, after all I can't really get by without bits around her. Guess I better look for help wanted si-... Isthatafuckin'gingerbreadhouse?"

>A building of pure pastry stands before you, glistening in the yellow sunlight.

>DEAR

>SWEATY

>CHRIST

>You're drawn to the building, marveling in it's sugary sweet appearance.

>Fuck Appleloosa

>Fuck MANEHATTEN. THIS PLACE HAS GINGERBREAD HOUSES.

>You quickly gnaw one of the walls that looks like it's covered in frosting.

>...

>Wood.

>...

>WOOOOOOOOOD

>Sputtering out bits of lumber, you quickly realize that the house is NOT made out of pastry.

>Instead, it appears to be made out of wood.

>And it tastes like oak.

>Classy.

>You feel a light tap on the back of your shoulder.

>OH SHIT, IS BITING A BUILDING AGAINST THE LAW FUCK.

>You whirl around, posed in a martial arts stance that screams "I do not have any prior experience in martial arts."

>That's... a lot of pink.

>A pink pony stares at you with her bright blue eyes.

>You still look like a crippled Jet Li.

"Uh... hey?"

>She bursts into laughter.

>"Oh man, I thought I was seeing things when I saw you, but I was right! You were eating the bakery! Teeheehahahaha! You must be new around here, cuz I know everyp0ny in Ponyville, and I'm pretty sure I don't know you!"

"Ponyville?"

>"Yup!"

"The town is named Ponyville?"

>"Mmhmm!"

"You have a bunch of Ponies that live in Ponyville?"

>"Yep!"

"What kind of wood is this thing made of?"

>"Oak!"

"Classy."

>"I know right?!"

>She answers you in rapid succession, her grin never leaving her face.

>Does... does she smell like cotton candy?... Nah, that would be just stu-

>Suddenly you reach out and pick up the pink pony, sniffing her mane with ferocious intensity.

>HOLY BALLS IT SMELLS LIKE COTTON CANDY

"YOU SMELL LIKE COTTON CANDY."

>"Is that bad?"

>She gives a worried look.

"No, that's awesome!"

>Now she laughs even harder and you let her down.

>"What's your name anyhow?"

"Anonymous. No last name, didn't really need one. One name suits me just fine. What about you? You have a name?"

>"Sure do! The name's Pinky Pie! Nice to meet you, AnimeMoose."

"Anonymouse."

>"Yeah that!"

>The word 'Pinky' is in the name of this bubbly pink pony.

>This town, it just gets BETTER and BETTER.

>You stroll down the street, Pinky bouncing like a SuperBall(you know, a super ball. Black, round. Bounces like crazy? No? Fuck you too then) next to you.

"Is it ALWAYS this colorful here, or am I just arriving on a good day?"

>"Oh no, Ponyville has always been a cheery colorful place!"

"Oh god that's so cool. Hey, you have any neat places to visit around here?"

>She give you a look like she thought you'd never ask.

>"OmigoshOmigoshOmigoshOmigosh FOLLOW ME!"

>She grabs your arm with her hoof and drags you off to go see w-

>HOW IS SHE DOING THAT WITH NO FINGERS

>Meh nevermind, too busy having fun right now.

>The two of you stop in front of a massive tree with... a door.. in the trunk?

>"My friend Twilight Sparkle lives here! She's super smart, a bit cranky, but she's a pony you can count on! One time, we-"

>You shove your hand over her mouth, silencing her.

>You give a face of EXTREME. SERIOUSNESS.

"...Twilight Sparkle?....Her name is Twilight Sparkle?"

>"Yes."

"Her name is Twilight Sparkle."

>"Her name is Twilight Sparkle."

"Her name is Twilight Sparkle."

>"Her name is Twilight Spa-"

>You get super fucking close to her face, your nose touching hers, and whisper.

"Does. She. Twinkle?"

>"Nope!"

>Pinkie gives a happy grin.

"Huh. Alright then. Neat."

>You begin to knock on the door, but Pinkie just barrels through it.

>Oh Pinkie, we may have just met, but please don't ever change.

>Ever.

>You two walk into the treehouse... goddammit that pun.

>Suddenly, books.

>Books everywhere.

>It's a nerd factory at this point, but you don't mind. You like books well enough.

>You see a purple unicorn buried in a large leather bound book.

>She hasn't noticed you.

>You thrust an arm in front of Pinkie and place a finger on her mouth.

>You give her the universal sign for "SHUT THE FUCK UP WE NEED TO BE SNEAKY."

>She gets the idea, a devious grin on her face.

>You Solid Snake your way to where Twilight sits, while Pinkie slithers on the floor next to you.

>You both are inches from her now, and you raise your arms up, ready to strike.

>You can feel the assassin in you squealing in glee.

>Twi: "Who did you bring over this time, Pinkie?"

>AWWWWWWMAAAAAAAAAAAN

>You and Pinkie let out a collective whine.

>The jig is up you suppose.

>Twilight turns around and looks at you, taken a bit aback.

>Twi: "Uh, Pinkie, who's this?"

>PP: "This is my newest bestest friend, A-Nani-Moose!"

"Anonymous."

>PP: "That!"

>You wave quickly to Twilight, a smile thrown her way.

>If anything, she looks creeped out.

>whatabitch

>Twi: "What... IS he, exactly?"

>PP: "Oh that's easy, silly! He's a... he's a uhm..."

>Pinkie darts to you and bounces up and down to speak into your ear.

>PP: "What are you?"

"A dude."

>PP: "He's a dude!"

>Twi: "No I meant what species is he?"

>PP: "What species of dooooooood are you?"

"Human dude, dude."

>PP: "He's a human doooood, doooo-"

>Twi: "Heard him Pinkie, thank you."

>Pinkie smiles and ceases bouncing.

>Twi: "A human? Homo sapien, bipedal, mostly hairless, hasn't been seen in Equestria since the age of w-"

>Pinkie gives a gasp that sounds like she's a miniature hoover and whips around to you, bouncing again.

>PP: "You're a GAY MONKEY?! I didn't know that monkeys could be gay!"

"Pinkie."

>PP:"I mean not that that's a problem of course I mean you can't change who you are, you just gotta be yourself, you know?"

"Pinkie."

>PP: "Hey, is it wrong to ask what it's like to have a big fat co-"

>You snatch her up and bring her to eye level.

"PINKIE"

>You've got her attention.

"NOT A MONKEY."

>PP: "Not a monkey."

"NOT GAY."

>PP: 'Not gay."

"And there's nothing wrong with me if I WAS a gay monkey, right?"

>PP: "Right."

>She beams up at you and giggles.

>goddammitshe'sadorable

>You squeeze her in a massive hug.

>You don't know why you did, it just felt right.

>And she

>Hugs

>You

>BACK

>THIS PONY IS THE SHIT