Don't Panic: Chapter VI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inhs_SCGAjw&feature=related

 

Day 48 in Equestria

>It felt absolutely wonderful to have a form of income now. Being able to pay Pinkie Pie your rent felt grand, really. Sure, she made a fuss every time you came to her with bits to give her, but ultimately she would accept it. It was only proper, after all.

>Working for Rarity was a godsend now that you thought about it. You put in the hours, and she payed you nicely. Not too much, but not too little as well. Just enough to allow you to get by, as well as save a little bit of money on the side. And now you were going to use a little of that money.

>At the moment, you stood in Ponyville's market street, eyeing a stand of ripe looking tomatoes. You had a basket under your arm already filled with lettuce, cucumbers, and a few very choice strawberries. You planned on thanking Pinkie Pie for all she'd done for you since arriving in this world a month ago. Seeing as you were rather bad at throwing big get togethers and parties, you decided to try the next best thing.

>Make her a salad.

>In your head you thought it would be a fine gift. She was a pony, ponies liked veggies and the sort, and you had the time and money to make it. A part of you thought it was a stupid idea though. After all, this was Pinkie Pie we were talking about. She had parties and fun on the brain all day, everyday. You were half convinced that you should at least hide a cupcake -in- the salad, just to be safe.

 

>Well now this tomato looked nice. You hold the red fruit in your hand, feeling it for any softness. Wouldn't you know it, it was ripe and ready for eating. You look to the mare behind the stand, you see that tomatoes were selling for two bits each.

>Well that's just not right, you thought to yourself. Two bits? Fiddle faddle, that seemed inaccurate.

"Excuse me, ma'am?" you ask the pony behind the counter, "But am I to believe that the price on that board is correct?"

>"Yep. Two bits for a tomato," she says back to you. Strange, it seems like she's been through this before, what with her dull tone.

"I'm sorry, but that just seems... wrong, don't you think?"

>"No. Two bits. One tomato."

"If I could make a suggestion, perhaps it should be -one- bit per tomato? I think that would be a very reasonable price."

>"Sorry mister, but it's two bits per tomato. My tomatoes, my rules."

>Bother, this was just unacceptable. Time to haggle.

"One bit."

>"Two bits."

"...One bit."

>"TWO bits."

"One."

>"TWO."

"One?"

>"TWO BITS."

"Two bits!" you say in mock outrage. "I demand you change to the price to two bits!"

>"It's ONE bit!"

"I insist! TWO BITS!"

>She mare's left eye twitches in anger. "The price is ONE. BIT. PER TOMATO. That is FINAL."

>You give a shrug and toss a bit onto the counter, plopping the tomato into the basket. "Thank you, ma'am!" you say with a smile as you walk off down the market.

>You... can't really believe that worked. Pinkie must have been rubbing off on you.

 

>As you walk along the cobblestone and dirt roads of Ponyville, you can't help but hear a shrill, high pitched voice in the distance. It sounded as if it was insisting ponies on buying... apples? Your suspicions are confirmed as you round a corner and see a small yellow filly with a red mane running around, asking the townsfolk to-

>"Buy some apples!" she says, running to a cream colored mare, balancing an apple onto her head as she does so. Ah yes, Apple Bloom. You knew her from Sweetie Belle, Rarity's younger sister. Sweetie sometimes hung around you when you were helping tailor dresses and the occasional sock. She liked to especially help you come up with new hat designs. Sure, Rarity never really used them, but Sweetie seemed to enjoy the company and fun all the same.

>"Mr Anonymous!" a familiar voice calls out from nearby Apple Bloom. Speak of the devil, there she was. Sweetie Belle prances over to you, hopping in circles around your legs as she does so. "What are you doing in town, Mr. Anonymous?" she asks. "Shopping for dinner?"

"Why yes I am," you reply, a smile on your face. "What about you and your friends? Still trying to find out what your special talents are?"

>"Mmhmm!" she says back to you. "We're trying to sell apples and things with Apple Bloom right now!... But I don't really think it's working out." She looks back to Bloom, who is now trying desperately convince a colt that apples are the one thing to invest in this crazy messed up world. Heh. Funny.

 

>"Say, Mr. Anonymous?" Sweetie asks up at you, a look of concern on her face. "Can I ask you a favor? It would really mean a lot to me, and I'd be super duper grateful."

"Well sure, Sweetie Belle, of course. What's the matter?" you ask her, crouching down so you can get on an eye-to-eye with her.

>"Well," she begins, "My class has got a show and tell thing coming up, and I don't really have anything to bring and show them..."

"Oh?" you ask, cocking your head. "What about that hat you made the other day?"

>"It's busted. That, and I don't want to show off that silly hat to my class."

"Okay well... what about Opal, your cat?"

>"I showed her last year," she says, still looking nervous.

"Well how can I help you? Do you want to make something together for your class?"

>"Ssssssorta," she says as she scuffs a hoof on the ground. "I was actually hoping that I could.. show... you."

"She me what?" you ask to her.

>"No, I mean you. You know, make you my show and tell project!" She says this with more enthusiasm in her voice, You still smiled a bit whenever it cracked.

"Wait wait, you want -me- to be your show and tell project?"

>"Sure! You've only been here in town for a month or so, right? So I figure that some of my class hasn't even met you yet! They'd have lots of questions for you, and maybe even Miss Cheerilee too!" She smiles broadly again, bobbing too and fro on her tiny hooves, waiting for your answer. You give it a quick thought, then shrug and smile back to her.

 

"I'd love to."

>"Really? Oh thank you! This is so great, thank you!" she chimes out, bouncing once more around you gleefully. "Just wait until tomorrow! Nopony's going to have their own human for their show and tell, just me! This is so exciting I could just burst!" She skids to a halt in front of you and bounds up, latching to your arm with a hug. "Thanks Mr. Anonymous! You're the best!"

"Aw hey I'm just doing what I can to help. You said it was tomorrow?" you ask, setting her back onto the ground.

>She nods vigorously, shaking that small mane of hers about as she does so. "Yup! Tomorrow morning! You'll really do it?"

"Of course," you say back as you pat her head. "It should be pretty fun."

>"DID SOMEP0NY SAY FUN?!"

>The basket of apples near Applebloom and Sweetie Belle bursts to life, shouting happily about fun... Oh. Wait. Pinkie Pie.

>Yes it seems Pinkie Pie was in the basket of apples the entire time, as the pink body of energy bounds out of it, balancing a few of the red fruits on her snout as she does so. "Annie!" she shouts out as she sees you. "Howdily doodily neighboreeno! What'cha up to?"

"Oh, you know," you begin, hiding the basket of fresh fruit and veg behind your back, "Just doing some shopping I suppose."

>You didn't want Pinkie to see your instruments of mass salad creation. For as crazy and energetic as she was, she was incredibly bright. She'd figure out just what you were up to if she saw your groceries.

>Pinkie smiles happily and nods at you.

 

"Well, I should probably head out. Still have some things to get, shouldn't take me very lo-"

>Suddenly Pinkie is running circles around you, and of course you're spinning along with her, so as to make sure she doesn't see the basket behind you. "Hey! What'cha got there Anon?" she asks, becoming very curious.

"Nothing, Pinkie, really, I was just having a nice conversation with these fillies is all-"

>"Oooooh," Pinkie coos as she sniffs the air. "I smell strawberries! Is that it? Are you buying strawberries, Anon?"

"Well I-"

>"And I smell lettuce and cucumbers! Well now I just think you're-"

"Pinkie! Look!" you shout wildly, pointing a finger to the sky, "A hot-air balloon made out of jaw breakers!"

>Please fall for your clever ruse.

>PLEASE fall for your clever ruse.

>Pinkie eyes you super suspiciously, rubbing her chin as she ponders poignantly, trying to gauge if you're telling the truth or lying.

"And... the jawbreakers... have... parties inside them?"

>It's almost as if you've said the magic word, as Pinkie's eyes grow to frightening proportions, her suspicious expression ricocheting into one of pure joy and excitement. "PARTY BREAKERS?! OH MY GOSH, WHERE?!" She whips around and scans the sky for the mythological, aeronautical candies, and you take this opportunity to run. You run like you have never ran before.

>Stopping off for a second to explain things, let's be clear that you're adamant on making this salad a surprise. This is why you're running like mad.

 

>It's about the time you pass by the watch shop that Pinkie Pie slowly realizes that there is, indeed, no hot air balloon made of party filled jawbreakers. Her happy, exuberant face descends into one of frustrated glee. Why glee? Who knows. Perhaps it's very hard to make her legitimately angry.

>"IT WAS A CLEVER RUSE!" she cries out as she drops to her knees, shaking her hooves at the sky, cursing the world around her. In a flash she's back on all fours. "So, Anon, it's a grand chase you want? So be it! But I will not be alone in this silly endeavor!" Pinkie cackles maniacally as she digs a hoof through her mane and pulls out Gummy, her toothless tool of vengeance.

>"Go, Gummy. Do my bidding!" she cackles, rubbing her hooves together like a villain. The alligator, on the other hand, proceeds to chew on one of her ears. "...Gummy. This is not my bidding." Gummy looks to his master confusedly as Pinkie rolls her eyes. "We're chasing Anonymous, not playing "Hair Munch 2: Electric Boogaloo!" Now come on! The chase awaits!"

>Gummy gives a sudden salute, full of purpose, drive, and whatever emotions a baby alligator can feel when given a quest. With that the two of them strike a valiant pose, then fire off down the market street.

>Meanwhile, on the other side of town, you're busy tripping on a small trail of ducklings as Fluttershy looks on in concerned horror.

>"Oh dear, careful Mister Anonymous! You almost stepped on Clara belle..." Fluttershy says quietly.

 

>Your legs freeze in place, your automatic impulse to politely apologize kicking in. Turning back to Fluttershy with a sheepish, remorseful smile on your face, you realize two things. The first is that the ducklings that she was escorting across the road were all adorable. Seriously, those we some cute ducks. The second thing is that Pinkie was charging right at you, brandishing Gummy like some sort of Alligator flail.

>She even tied him to a stick by the tail.

>Like well mannered lightning, you bend over, pat the duckling on the head, say sorry to Fluttershy, then proceed to run away once more with your basket in hand. "Anonymous!" Pinkie roars as she gallops after you, "Stop right there, criminal scum! Forfeit your stolen goods or pay the fine!"

"Pinkie!" you shout back over your shoulder, "I haven't stolen anything! Stop chasing me!"

>Pinkie Pie is now inexplicably next to you, galloping backwards and looking at you quizzically.

"Inconceivable!"

>"Not so! Galloping backwards is number forty five on my list of things I am inconceivably good at, followed closely by ping pong with gumballs!"

>Your feet screech against the cobblestone streets as you make a hard right into an alleyway, trying your best to shake off Pinkie Pie. You'd lose her, you just HAD to.

>Glancing behind you, you find that Pinkie is nowhere to be seen. A cocky grin cracks across your face, but it's quickly smacked off your cheeks as Pinkie bursts out of a manhole, flinging Gummy onto you.

 

>The bright green terror latches onto your nose, refusing to let you go as you fidget with him, asking him to kindly stop. Pinkie Pie appears on top of your head, looking at you upside down, her pink mane bobbing in the non-existent breeze.

>"Okay Mister!" she says, poking your forehead with a hoof, "You're gonna tell Pinkie Pie here why you're running away from her like a bat out of Tartarus, and no fibs! Boy oh boy do I not like fibbers. So talk, you ragamuffin!"

>Pinkie quickly giggles happily. "Heeheeha, ragamuffin. I like that word." After laughing at her clever use of lexicon she hardens her expression to look a lot more threatening. Instead, it just looks like she's eating something sour.

>Seeing as you're trapped by a small pink ball or joy and her pet alligator, you decide that maybe the truth wouldn't be all too bad. If anything it would get Gummy to stop treating your poor nose like a chew toy.

"Fine, fine, I was out getting groceries for you."

>"For me?" she asks, still suspicious. "But the bakery's kitchen is chock full eatable edibles! Something is fishy in the town of Ponyville, and it's not this bass."

>She produces a small mouth bass, waving it about while not looking away from your eyes.

"Well I was going to MAKE something with the things I bought, of course. You know, for you."

>Her eyes squint a bit, yanking Gummy from your face and shoving the bass into his mouth. Gummy looks overjoyed, and proceeds to gnaw on it down on the ground.

 

"Well you see, you've been pretty good to me, Miss Pinkie Pie, and I just wanted to do something for you to show you I appreciated it. That I appreciated you, really. And seeing as I don't really know customs around here or anything, I figured a nice meal wouldn't hurt. So I decided to make you a salad."

>"So you ran away from me in a high octane chase because...?"

"Ah. Yes. Well, I wanted it to be more of a surprise, and you're too bright for your own good so I knew I couldn't let you figure it out."

>You pause for a bit, thinking. Why DID you do all the running though? You weren't really frightened or scared of her or anything of that sort. In fact, you felt pretty... happy. Realizing the reason, you laugh heartily and give her a smile.

"I guess I thought it would be fun. After all, you like fun, right?"

>Pinkie blinks, still looking at you upside down, then giggles happily. "That I do! And I guess it -was- pretty fun to chase you around town... and you said you were going to make the salad for me?"

>You give a nod, lifting the basket up a bit.

"Lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, some strawberries for a splash of sweet, and maybe a cupcake. After all, it wouldn't be a Pinkie Pie Salad if there wasn't a baked good in there somewhere."

>Pinkie lets out a long "aww" at you, tittering a bit. "Aww thank you, Anon. That's pretty sweet of you." She pecks your nose with a small kiss before flipping off your head, landing with a bounce on her hooves.

 

>Then, as if nothing happened at all, the two of you begin walking back to Sugarcube Corner, Gummy still chewing on the fish while lying on Pinkie Pie's back. This was the routine, as of late. Run around, have fun, no panicking. Truth be told, it was rather... refreshing. Yes, there were still the occasional panic attack here or there, but you were getting better. Pinkie's care free demeanor and personality was wonderful to be around. Sure, she could be a nuisance, but what she lacked in social graces she made up for in absolute entertainment.

>"So, my special human friend," Pinkie says as she bounds happily around you, "What do you want to do today? Go see a movie? Play down by the lake? OooOOOooh, what about a water balloon fight? I haven't had a water balloon fight in hours!"

"Hours?"

>"Hours! There was a colt in town and he looked like he could use a... "splash" of fun." Pinkie cackles at her horrible, horrible pun, and you roll your eyes with a smile on your face.

"I was actually just hoping to get this salad made for you, really. I thought sharing a nice meal would do us both some good."

>It wasn't as exciting as the other suggestions she made, and you were worried she'd scoff at the idea. Instead she smiles brightly at you and simply nods her head.

"That's a yes then, I take it?" you ask, chuckling a bit.

>"Of course! Why wouldn't I want to spend time with my best friend?"

"Hahaha, Pinkie, everybody's your best friend."

 

>More giggling comes from Pinkie Pie as she bounces onto your shoulder, snuggling into the side of your head. "No, silly, you ARE my best friend! Number one on my list, well number one right after Gummy of course." Gummy gives a little squeak, and you blink to yourself.

"I'm really your best friend, Pinkie?"

>"You bet'cha!" she says, patting the top of your head with a hoof. Despite her size, she was pretty light on your shoulders. A rather goofy smile spreads on your face, and you rub Pinkie's head softly.

"Thanks, Pinkie. You're the best."

>There's a nice, warm feeling in your chest at this point. Fancy that, it feels rather nice. Kinda fuzzy, too. You give a content sigh, nearing Sugarcube Corner. Nothing could spoil this moment.

>"Ah, there you are! Yoohoo, Mister... oh what was your name again... Anonymous?"

>You crane your head over a tad and see a mare standing in front of Sugarcube corner, glasses on her snout and a clip board on her back.

>As you get closer, you instantly know who it is. After all, the tan fur and grayed mane were big giveaway, especially with that turquoise... poof thing she wore on her neck.

"Oh. Mayor Mare."

 

>"Hiya Mayor Mayor!" Pinkie says, bounding from your shoulder to the ground. "What brings you to the bakery? Oh! Do you want another order of apple fritters? I know how much you enjoy apple fritters."

>The mayor shakes her head politely, a little smile on her face. "Oh no, that's quite alright Pinkie Pie. I was actually looking for Mister Anonymous, here. How are you, by the way?"

"Fine," you say flatly. You still didn't like this one, what with her policy of homes and crosswalk zoning.

>"Well that's good! I've been meaning to speak to you."

"Are you going to bust down another one of my homes?"

>"Of course not. After all, according to city records you don't really -have- a home. That, and no further construction is happening."

"Uh huh. So what is it you need, Miss Mare?"

>"Ah, yes. You see, ALSO according to city records is that you've been living here in Sugarcube Corner. Is that right?" Mayor Mare asks, jotting down notes on her board.

>"That's right!" chimes in Pinkie Pie gleefully. "Anon sleeps in the attic and pays me rent."

>"I see! Well, that certainly clears up some nasty paperwork now doesn't it?" the mayor says, smiling sweetly to you and Pinkie Pie. She jots a few more things down on the board, then hands you the paper she's been writing on. "Here you are, Mister Anonymous," she says, trotting off.

"What is this?" you ask, waving the yellow slip of paper at her.

>She turns and smiles, clicking her pen shut. "Your eviction notice!"

 

"Sorry, what?" you ask, still waving the paper about. "I could have sworn you said it was an-"

>"Eviction notice, yes." the mayor says, nodding. "I'm sorry Mister Anonymous, but as an illegal alien you are not allowed to have lodging with a citizen without first filing an agreement with town officials."

"You can't be serious," you say, walking up to her. "I've been here over a month, and now you're telling me this?"

>"Now?" Mayor Mare asks, blinking at you confusedly. "Mister Anonymous, might I remind you that I and other town officials have sent you many letters alerting you of this?"

"Letters?" you say incredulously. "What letters? I haven't gotten any letters!"

>"Well of course you haven't gotten any letters, non-citizens don't receive any mail! Besides, your old address wasn't valid anymore."

>Your left eye is twitching.

"My OLD address was also bulldozed to make way for a CROSSWALK." you mutter, your body shivering a tad.

>"Yes," Mayor Mare says with a calm smile, "And as such the letters we've sent you automatically return to the post office."

>That thing in the back of your brain snaps again, and you can feel your mouth begin to froth as you angrily do the most dastardly thing you can think up.

>You eat the eviction notice.

>"Mister Anonymous!" the mayor says, appalled, "That was a notice from town hall! They are not for consumption!"

"Oh bugger off!" you say loudly at her, pointing a finger into her snout. "I've had it to here with you and your regulations!"

 

"I swear, living here is like jumping through hoops! Why are you out to make me the bad guy?" you ask angrily, your brain contorting in sheer hatred. For some reason it was only cursing in Swahili.

>"Mister Anonymous, you're not the bad guy, neither do I -want- you to be one. If you had READ the note before eating it, something I have to say is -quite- unhealthy for you, you'd know that the eviction is only enacted if you don't fill a Lodging and Mainstay form within forty eight hours."

"I-"

>"I'm actually curious, do you eat -everything- that's made of paper when you're frustrated?"

"You-"

>"Because it took me ages to draw up another set of blueprints from the time you ate those."

"Forms-"

>Your body is twitching at a million miles an hour, your mouth making various "Hoo's" and "guuh's" every second or so.

"Okay!" you shout, swiping at the air. "What do I need to do in order to file a... what did you call it?"

>"Lodging and Mainstay form," she says.

"Whatever. What does that entail?"

>"Ooh!" Pinkie Pie says, bouncing over to you. "Is it a trial by fire? Or does he have to walk on hot coals?"

"Pinkie, my word."

>"What? Coal walking is number thirty two on my list of things I can inconceivably do!"

>"Actually," the mayor says, taking her clipboard back into a hoof, "All I require is your signature and date of birth."

>The air goes dead.

>Nothing can be heard.

>A tumbleweed bounces across the crosswalk before realizing that it is in the wrong scene.

 

"All you need... is my signature... and birthday."

>"That's correct!" the mayor says in a sing song voice. "And seeing as you're having a rather rough day, I'd be more than willing to simply take a copy of your signature and apply it to the form at a later time!" She hands you a pen, clicking it open.

>You want to eat the pen. Oh good lord above how you so DESPERATELY wanted to eat that pen and show her how frustrated you were right now, but all you seem to be able to do is sigh and mutter to yourself as you take her writing utensil.

>The mayor pokes the clipboard with a hoof, indicating you should write the information there. With another grumble, you write your signature and jot down your birth date.

>"Wonderful!" Mayor Mare says, rolling up the paper into a scroll. "Now then, I need to take this down to town hall, get it signed and approved by public relations, send it off to the princess, and then poof! You'll be registered with the town and will be granted land."

"I'm sorry, land?"

>"Of course. All citizens of Ponyville are granted a few acres of land in order to live on."

>"Yeah Anon!" Pinkie says joyously, "Everyp0ny knows that!"

>Citizenship and land. You would get both, and the only thing that stood in your way was not filling out a single, measly form. Mayor Mare smiles and bows her head to you a tad, then trots off.

"Pinkie," you ask to the pink mare.

>"Yes, Anonymous?" she asks back.

"I feel as though I just had a heart attack for no reason at all."

 

>"Hey," Pinkie says, bouncing up into your arms. "Cheer up Annie. You know what they say, after all."

"What's that, Pinkie?" you ask the little mare in your arms.

>She smiles and hums a bit before starting to sing.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ECUtkv2qV8

 

>"Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best... And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life... "

 

>You're dumbfounded by her sudden knowledge of British comedy, but you're happy nonetheless. You grin to her with your tired eyes, and whistle along as she continues.

 

>"If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing. And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life... "

 

>Laughing happily with one another, you bring Pinkie up to you and snuggle into her, sending her into a fit of laughter as you do so. "C'mon, Annie Moose. Let's go bake us a cake."

"You know Pinkie," you say with a skip in your step, "That sounds rather delightful."

 

End