Don't Panic: Chapter V

Day 25 in Equestria

>You know what this place needed? Washing machines. A simple washing machine would do wonders for you at the moment, truly. Unfortunately for you, however, it would seem that Sugarcube Corner had no such wondrous contraption. No, instead you had to clean your clothes by hands with a bucket and a washboard.

>Your hands and fingers were soaked and pruney from washing your single shirt, and boxers, and your other clothes. Your bathrobe was next up on the job. After all, ever since your home was flattened with expensive, yellow construction equipment you've only had the one outfit. Everything else was crushed and maimed in the demolition. Even your lucky socks.

>You liked those socks.

>So here you sat, hunched over a washboard as you scrubbed away at your boxers. Grass stains, you'd found out, were extremely hard to get out of anything, and since coming to Equestria you'd gotten MANY a grass stain.

>Only thing that could make this any worse is if Gummy decided to gnaw at your elbows again. He seemed to like doing that a lot. The other day you woke up in your attic loft with a tiny baby alligator chewing on your big toe. You were startled, to say the least.

>Finishing up the boxers, you pin them up to the clothesline outside alongside your white shirt. You consider washing your robe, but decide against it. Right now it was the only thing keeping your decent, seeing as everything else needed to dry.

>"Good Morning Anon!" Pinkie chimes from the kitchen window, a chef's hat fixed to her head.

 

"Oh, good morning Miss Pinkie," you say as you tighten the belt of your robe. The soft scent of something sweet wafted out from the kitchen window, and you give the poofy pink mare a smile.

>"Oh silly," she says giggling to herself, "You know you don't have to call me "Miss Pie" anymore! It's just Pinkie to my friends!"

"Haha, but isn't everyone in town your friend?" you ask as you walk back into the bakery.

>"Yup!" Pinkie exclaims as she hops about the kitchen, stirring bowls and pouring batter into pans as she does so happily. "So that means everyp0ny calls me Pinkie Pie, and you should too!"

"I suppose I can handle that daunting task, Pinkie." You give her a smile as you walk through the kitchen and towards the refrigerator. "I just call you "Miss" because that's how I was raised, is all. Be polite and all that. What are you cooking?"

>Pinkie spins around from her bowl, a wooden spoon in her mouth with batter dripping from it, as well as her nose. "I'm making pancakes and waffles and crepes! All together! I call them panwaffacrepes!"

"Panwaffacrepes."

>"Panwaffacrepes!" she sings out, returning to her stirring. You roll your eyes with a grin on your face. Pinkie was special, that was plainly certain.

"Well that sounds all very good, and I'm sure they'd taste lovely, but I think I'm going to have some oranges from the fridge if that's alright."

>Pinkie Pie tries to warn you, but it's too late. Like lightning, Gummy rockets out of the fridge and onto your face.

 

>Your terrified screams could actually be described more accurately as a mix of a scream and a call for peace, really. Actually, now that you think about it, you seemed to be repeating the phrase "Stop" over and over as Gummy gnaws at your nose.

"Stop. Stop stop stop. STOP. Stop please stop, oh god stop. Gummy. Stop, Gummy, Stop," is the quote that shrilly escapes your throat as your arms flail about helplessly.

>Pinkie Pie is already over to you, trying to bounce up to your face and snatch her baby alligator before her works his way up to gumming your scalp. "Gummy!" she exclaims mid bounce, "That's not how we say good morning to our friends! We went to those meetings so you would stop this!'

"Pinkie I beg of you, please remove your reptile from my FACE," you ask as your try prying Gummy from your eyebrows.

>It didn't hurt, no, but Christ almighty was it just horrifying to experience.

>"Gummy, you pesky little baby boy, you get off of Anonymous right now! I mean it, mister!"

>Pinkie, in an attempt to reason with Gummy, bounds up and lands on top of your head and begins to bargain with him.

>"Okay, let's talk. Is this about not getting that special alligator cake for your birthday?" she asks the small toothless alligator as he continues to work around your face. "I already told you," she continues, "It's hard to get that many guppies into ONE cake. I was lucky enough to get those minnows you like!"

>She was bargaining with an alligator.

>Mother of god.

 

"Pinkie," you say as Gummy latches onto your ear, "Maybe if you just helped me yank him off of me, then this whole ordeal could be behind us?"

>She shakes her head. "Nope! Gotta bargain with an alligator! As my old uncle Shepard's Pie once said, "An alligator just needs a good enough reason to stop bitin' ya! Like a vacation with drinks in yer umbrellas! Arrrrgh, matey!"

>She giggles to herself. "My uncle was a pirate."

"Fascinating," you flatly reply as you begin pulling Gummy off of your earlobe. "Did he have any advice that, I don't know, could possibly actually HELP get Gummy off me?"

>"Have you tried whispering sweet nothings into his ear?"

"No."

>"Do you want to try whispering sweet nothings into his ear?"

"No."

>Gummy begins chewing on some of your hair, rather content in his actions. The fear you once held is soon replaced by an apathetic wave of uncaring. Fine, you think to yourself, gum my hair. It's not going to be doing you any good, in any case.

>Gummy, the ever clever alligator that he was, then had an idea. A wonderfully awful, horrible idea. Leaping off your head, the little green gator snatches the belt of your robe, and in a stunning display of showmanship, undoes the knot and runs off, pulling the entire robs off of you.

>And then the panic began to set in.

"STOP YOU LITTLE GREEN THIEF!" you shout loudly as you sprint after the reptile. Gummy scampers away while Pinkie Pie holds onto the top of your head, cackling in delight as you chase her pet.

 

>The reptilian burglar darts across the floor, weaving about so that you can't possibly catch him. Your bare feet pad across the floor of Sugarcube Corner as you scramble after Gummy, cursing rather loudly in your head as you do.

>"Ooh ooh!" Pinkie chimes while pointing a hoof at Gummy, "Serpentine, Gummy! Serpentine!"

>Gummy then begins to serpentine.

"Pinkie are you on his side or mine?!" you ask loudly as you burst out the front door, still giving chase to the little thieving reptile.

>"Nothing wrong with an alligator chase in the morning to get the blood pumping!" Pinkie shouts back, patting your head and kicking her hooves into your shoulders. "Now mush! MUSH, MY STEED!"

>Many a townspony looks on in shock and awe as you sprint after Gummy. How on earth was this baby crocodile THIS fast? It made no real sense, honestly. After all, it had itty bitty legs and you could swear reading something about baby alligators being shit at running. Or was that sloths? You weren't all too sure, to be honest.

>As you contemplated the logistics of alligator sprinting, you soon realize that the air outside is breezier and colder than you anticipated. Strange, it even felt as if you didn't have any underpa-

>No underpants.

>You were running around Ponyville with a Pony on your head while you chased a baby alligator with a robe in its mouth.

>Naked.

>Pinkie senses your embarrassment, and adds to it by playing the Benny Hill Theme from a boombox she pulls from nowhere.

 

>About an hour later, and you're back in your clothes, as well as hiding in the attic loft of Sugarcube Corner. Your nude escapade in town left your red from embarrassment and with new clarity on your situation here in Equestria.

>If you were going to keep living her, you were going to need more than just the clothes on your back. The biggest obstacle you saw with that plan was the fact that you had absolutely no money to buy clothes or -anything- with, and you honestly didn't know where any were sold. A few ponies around town had clothes, a hat or the occasional vest, but beyond that most ponies were nude all the time.

>Worst came to worse, you'd just make tunics out of used cupcake and muffin wrappers. Pinkie would probably think that was an amazing idea, but you really didn't want her input into the matter, especially now that you knew she had an entire soundtrack at the ready whenever you were naked.

>She started playing "Bad Touch" when you shamefully ran back to the bakery earlier.

>She thought it was fucking hilarious.

>Walking down from your attic and back into the main foyer of the bakery, you spot Mrs Cake arranging some eclairs near the cash register. She spots you and gives a friendly wave, smiling. "Anonymous! Good afternoon, how are you?" she asks as she finishes arranging the last row of sweets.

"I'm fine Mrs Cake, thank you," you say as you walk over to a window and adjust the cake that's sitting in it.

 

"Say," you begin, pondering to yourself, "You wouldn't happen to know where in town I could find clothes, would you?"

>"Oh well that's easy enough!" Mrs Cake calls back as she goes over to a shelf and takes stock. "Your best bet would be at Carousel Boutique! I'm sure you could find something to wear there, dear."

>You're about to thank her, but Pinkie bursts out of the cake you're fixing in the window and your heat does that thing where it stops again out of sheer bloody panic.

>"You're going to RARITY'S place?! Oohoohoohooh! I'm coming along, I'm coming along!" Pinkie shouts into the air as she licks up the cake that clings to her body.

"Rarity's place?" you ask as your heart stops doing loop'd'loops in your chest. "Is Rarity another pony or something?"

>Pinkie somersaults out of the pastry, pulling a new cake out of nowhere and replacing it. "Yup! She's one of my bestest best friends here and town and in the whole world! She's just the "Element" of generosity! Heehahaha!"

>A generous pony? And a friend of Pinkie's? It seemed like a worthwhile gamble just to go down and visit her to at least say hello and introduce yourself. You've only met two of Pinkie's other friends, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, but Dash was constantly suspicious of you and loud... christ how she was loud... and Twilight had assisted the mayor in destroying your home by distracting you the day it was demolished.

>Maybe Rarity would be a breath of fresh air.

 

>Soon you're walking through Ponyville once more, Pinkie prancing bouncily next to you the entire time. She rattles on about her friends, telling you more about them in case you finally meet more of them. Apparently there are a few you haven't been introduced to you, like a mare out on a farm named Applejack, a pegasus on the edge of town named Fluttershy, and of course the pony you're on your way to meet, Rarity.

>"You'll like her!" Pinkie exclaims as she hops along with you. "Rarity's one of the politest ponies in town! You actually kinda remind me of her."

"Oh?" you ask, "How so? After all I'm not a unicorn or any sort of magical beasty now am I?"

>"No, but you're kinda... panicky! Heehee, she does that sometimes."

"Does what?"

>"Panics. You should see her when she thinks a dress isn't pretty enough for a customer, she gets super duper frazzled and mutters."

"Mutters?" you mumble to Pinkie.

>"Yep!" she says. "Mutters! You mumble, she mutters! You'll be like two peas in a pod, except one of the peas gets all red whenever ponies see him nakey! HAha!"

>You mumble shyly to yourself once more and lock your gaze onto the ground as you both continue on your trip. Hopefully by the end of the day you'd have clothes, and then ponies wouldn't HAVE to see you "nakey." Wouldn't that be terrific?

>Eventually the image of a fanciful shop enters your view. It was a two story building with large bay windows on the first floor, as well as pink flag at the very top of its spire.

 

"Is this Carousel Boutique?" you ask Pinkie as you stand in front of the shop's front door.

>Pinkie Pie smiles and nods. "This is it! Isn't it just fancy?"

"Yes," you say as you look up at the sign above the door. It has the image of a carousel horse on it.

>In fact, that symbol appears many times on the shop's exterior. You kind of feel foolish for asking Pinkie if you were at the right place, now that you saw all the obvious symbolism on it all.

>A small bell rings as you walk into the shop, and again you're assaulted with some new sites. Truly, the interior of the shop was just as lovely, if not more so, than the exterior. Velvet and silk drapes hung from every corner of the room, lace and other trappings neatly and elegantly placed around edges to sooth the eye.

>You could feel yourself getting rather calm as you stood inside the boutique. Sure, it was charming and elegant, but at the same time you suppose you liked that sort of thing. It was relaxing.

>Your relaxed nature is immediately yanked from your grasp as Pinkie rockets through the boutique, shouting at the top of her lungs.

>"RARITY! IT'S YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD, PINKIE PIE! I BROUGHT A NEW FRIEND FOR YOU!" Pinkie cackles into the air around her, the shrill titter of her bubbly voice ringing in your ears.

>You sort of just... stand. Yes. You just stand near the door of the boutique as Pinkie looks for Rarity. A soft sensation reached your leg, and you spot a white cat purring at your ankles.

 

"Well hello there," you say to the cat, smiling.

>The long haired thing looks back up at you, sniffs, then proceeds to claw at your ankles. You had almost completely forgotten what the sensation of claws on flesh felt like, but luckily for you this tiny ball of pure pain and hatred has decided to give you the grand tour.

>Leaping about on one leg as you flail the other, your attempts to fling the cat from your lower extremities are met with hissing, yowling, and even more biting. Yes, the biting was very, -very- apparent to you.

>"Pinkie Pie," a voice from one room over says, "I'm actually in the middle of a large order right now. I'll gladly meet the fellow but I simply don't think I can- OPALESCENCE!"

>The white ball of fur that you assumed was the cat on your ankle is tugged away from your leg by a pull of blue magic, and you instantly go to rub the numerous claw and bite marks on your ankle. The nightmare was over. For now.

"Thank you," you say as you rise back to two feet. "I honestly don't know what came over the ca-"

>You stop, seeing as the reveal for Rarity seemed like an appropriate place for a dramatic pause. This... must have been Rarity. The white unicorn calmly floated her cat over to a counter, admonishing it for its bad behavior the entire way. She had a purple mane that... curled? Flowed? Both? You didn't rightly know, but this pony was pretty. Beautiful, even. She held herself with an air of distinguished pride.

>You think you liked her already.

 

>"Oh I'm dreadfully sorry, dear," Rarity says as she trots over to you. "Opalescence can be a bit catty to new neighbors, I'm afraid to say." She titters a bit at her "catty" joke. "Now," she continues, "Who is it I have the distinct pleasure of meeting today, hm?"

"Oh, well uhm, hello there. You must be Rarity."

>"The one and only," Rarity says as she adjusts her mane daintily. "And you must be this "Anonymous" that Pinkie has told me so much about. It's very nice to meet you."

>She cocks her head to the side slightly, looking you over. "Am I to believe that what you're wearing at this moment is what you -choose- to wear of your won free will?"

"Um... yes?"

>"Well!" she says as her horn lights up, "We'll just have to fix all that, now won't we? Pinkie? Be a dear and take Opalesence up to my room, will you?"

>"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie chimes as she gives a salute, leaping upon the white cat as it yowls in surprise. As Pinkie drags the cat upstairs, Rarity levitates a number of tools over to you, taking measurements and the like.

>"Well now let's see," Rarity mutters to herself. "Broad shoulders, lengthy torso-" she stops and looks up at you. "Pardon, can you just go ahead and tell me how tall you are?"

"Oh well I think I'm near six feet high, actually."

>"Well! Very tall indeed!" she chimes as a pencil jots down notes. "I'll be quite honest with you, darling, the only things in Equestria of extreme height I deal with are the occasional giraffe."

 

"Giraffes?" you ask, raising your arms up so she can measure them.

>"Oh yes, one came by a few months ago on vacation from across the pond as it were," she says, throwing on a pair of red glasses. "Excuse my diminishing beauty, Anonymous, but I can't really read without these."

"Oh that's fine. You don't really look awkward with them, in any case. Glasses make me look like a fool, honestly, but you look rather nice with them."

>She smiles at the polite compliment and measures your pants legs. "Right!" she says, doing away with the measuring tape, "It seems I have all the information your body was so graciously willing to let me have. Now it's time to get to work."

"About that," you begin as she trots over to a work station. "I'm afraid I don't really have any way to pay you for your trouble. I can always work off the cost of the clothes, of course."

>Rarity gives a small laugh as she floats over a few spools of cloth. "Oh really now it's no trouble at all! You're a friend of Pinkie Pie, and Pinkie Pie just so happens to be a friend of mine! So, logically by association, we are also friends."

"Right, but you have work to do, don't you? I overheard you talking to Pinkie as your cat... kind of... went to war with my leg."

>"Ah, yes," she says as she removes the glasses from her snout. "Again, I apologize for Opal. She's feisty. And it's true, I have a dress to make by the end of the night, but I'm sure I can get both of these little projects done in time."

 

>Glancing around, you find that there are dress after dress laid out and propped onto mannequins. Perhaps she was right, maybe she could actually make you a new outfit as well as finish her order. However, you didn't rightly feel comfortable letting her do all of this without some sort of effort on your part.

"Miss Rarity, I don't mean to be a bother, but perhaps I can help you with my clothes? I'd feel better knowing I at least assisted you instead of leaving you to make my clothes on your own."

>Rarity unravels a large loop of blue cloth and looks to you with a wary look in her eye. "Do you know how to sew?" she asks as some shears float about the cloth, cutting it into designs.

"I know enough, yes. I used to fix up some of my older clothes."

>Rarity brings a hoof to her chin, pondering for a moment before sighing and nodding her head. "Well I suppose it couldn't hurt. You're welcome to help me along with your things, Anonymous. Thank you."

>A smile makes its way onto your face and you nod back to her as Pinkie Pie comes flipping down the stairs. "Heeeeeey Anny! You ready to head back to Sugarcube Corner? I could use a helping hoof with some doughnuts!"

"Sorry Pinkie, but I'm going to help Rarity out with the clothes she's preparing for me. I hope that's alright," you say with a weak smile on your face. You had forgotten about the doughnut order.

>Pinkie stops bouncing and stares at you. "You're not coming back?" she asks, sounding like a hurt puppy.

 

>"Now Pinkie, dear," Rarity says as she trots to the poofy pink mare, "Anonymous will of course be back at the bakery soon enough. He's just being a gentleman and asked to help me. I'm not trying to steal your new... what was the word, human? Yes, that. I'm not trying to take your darling new human friend from you, I promise."

>Pinkie gives a happy laugh and hugs Rarity's neck with a hoof. "Oh don't worry about it, it's all okie dokie with me! I can just get the cakes to help me out anyways!"

>"Of course dear," Rarity says with a smile as Pinkie hugs her tighter. "Now if you'd be so kind as to let me out of your vice grip?"

>Another laugh escapes the both of them as Pinkie bounces towards the door, waving a hoof at you. "Bye Anon! See you later, alligator!"

"Please don't talk about alligators."

>"Be nice to Rarity too! Bye bye!" she cries out as she barrels through the door of the boutique, bouncing away into the distance.

"Haha, quite the handful isn't she?" you ask to Rarity after Pinkie leaves. The white mare laughs softly to herself and nods.

>"Yes, Pinkie is certainly a ball of energy. If I could power a dress making contraption with her pep and imagination, I would never have to lift a hoof ever again."

>She smiles at your and motions for you to make your way over to her, and you oblige. "Now then, what say we get to work? Here's some needle and thread," she says, floating over the tools specified. "Shall we?"

>You nod politely, and begin working with her.

 

>After what seems only a few minutes, but are really hours in reality, a few new pants lay next to you as you finish sewing the seams of a shirt. You've pricked your fingers so many times with that blasted little needle that you lost count, really. Still, the time flew by and here you were, sitting and sewing the last shirt of the day as Rarity trots back into the workspace with two glasses and a bottle.

>You'd been chatting away with her the entire time, mostly about her lifestyle and her passions for the most part. You learned that she simply adored all things sophisticated and elegant, but you were able to get that much simply from the surroundings and her appearance all by themselves.

>When you mentioned that fashion on Earth was similar to hers, she went ballistic with giddy anticipation. You'd answered hundreds of questions, ranging from "Oh tell me they have silk there! They do? Fabulous!" to "What are gloves like?" She seemed very entertained by the fact that you knew so much about Earth fashion, seeing as she's never heard of it till now. On top of that, and she was impressed at your sewing skills. You weren't amazing, but you were able to keep up with her to say the least.

>"Now then," Rarity says, floating a glass over to you, "Shall we make a tiny little toast?"

"What for?" you ask, taking the floating glass from the air.

>"Why to a hard day's work of course! You and I just made quite the gorgeous and handsome wardrobe, you know."

 

"Ah yes, but the credit is all yours. After all, you're the one who helped me along and put up with my clumsy needlework."

>"Nonsense," she says, pouting at you. "Why you helped me more than you realize. I think it's rather safe to say that you were an excellent assistant, Mister Anonymous. Now, would you care for a glass of wine?"

>You nod politely at her as the bottle magically floats to you, red wine pouring into your glass, then going and pouring some into Rarity's own cup.

>"I'll be honest, I don't think I've met anyp0ny quite like you, Anonymous. You're quite the well mannered gentleman."

"All a product of my upbringing and nature, I'm afraid. Still, it's not all too surprising is it?"

>"Is what?" she asks, sipping her glass.

"My politeness," you say as your swirl the wine in your cup. "I'm sure most of the men around here are just as polite if not more so than I am, surely. I'm just being a proper guest."

>Rarity laughs and rolls her eyes, already finishing her glass and pouring her second. "Believe me, the men here in Ponyville aren't really the creme de la creme, if you understand me. So quaint, so simple, all of them. There's the occasional gentlecolt, but more often than not they're spoken for." She sips her glass daintily and adjusts her mane.

"What, no gentleman callers at your doorstep at all times?" you ask, still drinking your first glass of wine. You look to her and admire the mane on her head. It was truly gorgeous. In fact, it was curious...

 

"Miss Rarity may I ask something?"

>"Hm?"

"How do you go about being as.. well.. beautiful as you are? I'm genuinely curious."

>She blinks, then blushes and clears her throat.

>“I think it was a stallion in Canterlot who pointed out how lovely I was. Until that time I think it was safe to say that I had never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. But his words smote me, because of course you see, I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of way and who would have it otherwise? I walk, and let’s be splendid about this, in a highly accented cloud of gorgeousness that isn’t far short of being quite simply terrific. The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness, of the order of which we are discussing, in this simple, frank, creamy sort of way, doesn’t reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents, milks, moisturisers, liniments, lubricants, embrocations or balsams, to be rather divine for just one noble moment, it resides, and I mean this in a pink slightly special way, in ones attitude of mind. To be gorgeous, and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and then with rousing heat and passion, because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I’m so often told it.”

>She takes a sip of her wine and smiles to you.

>“That’s the secret really.”

 

>Normally you would be ready with a witty, if not appropriate response, but at present you were absolutely floored. She spoke with such eloquence, such sophistication and honesty. And while some of it may have seemed rather overtly descriptive, you can't help but admire her outlook on life.

"So the key to being lovely is-"

>"To simply believe you are," she says, finishing your sentence with a demure grin on her face, finishing her second glass daintily. "More wine, Mister Anonymous?"

>Blinking a few times, you look down to your glass, a small amount of the dark liquid laying at the bottom of it. You hadn't even finished your first glass. Chuckling to yourself, you shake your head.

"No," you say, setting the glass on the table. "But thank you. It was wonderful to meet you, Miss Rarity. You've been more than helpful with me."

>"It's no trouble at all, really. As I said, you've been a terrific help to me as well. I dare say I could someone like you to help me in my day to day." She brings a hoof to her chin and gives it a tap, thinking to herself. "In fact," she says as a smile creeps onto her face, "That sounds like a positively wonderful idea!"

"Hm?"

>"Mister Anonymous, how would you feel if I hired you to work here in my boutique?"

>The thought hadn't crossed your mind, really. Then again, you did need a job.

"Will I be working alongside you, Miss Rarity?"

>She smiles and nods happily to you, to which you hold out a hand to shake her hoof.

"Then it's settled."

 

>"Splendid!" Rarity says as she lifts the wine bottle once more. "Another drink, to celebrate!" She's about to pour her glass, but you reach out and gently tug it out of her magic's grasp. She blinks at you confusedly after you put the bottle on the table with your glass.

"I think," you begin, "That we've celebrated more than enough, don't you agree?"

>Rarity gives a small pout. "Well i can certainly say you're off to a very poor start as my new employee if you're going to deny me a chance to give you a toast, Mister Anonymous." She gives you a mock frown of disapproval and hops out of her seat. "But you're right, I'm afraid. After all, I have a rather bulky gown to prepare."

>She starts to trot off to the basement, but you clear your throat in order to get her attention. "Yes Mister Anonymous?" she asks, looking back to you.

"Since I'm working here," you begin with a smile, "Perhaps I should help you with your dress tonight. Is that alright, Miss Rarity?"

>The white unicorn gives a sweet, modest smile and nods her head. "Of course, my newest loyal assistant. I'd love it if you helped me."

>With that, you stand from your seat and follow after her. Perhaps you were right about what you were thinking earlier, when you hoped Rarity would be a breath of fresh air. She certainly played the part well.

>And who knows? Maybe working for her will actually be enjoyable. And in the end, you'd have a new friend.

>And working with a stunning mare like her didn't hurt either.