Criminal Mastermind Anon Oneshots

>Mmmmmmmyeeeeess

>Today was the day!

>The day you'd finally take over Canterlot!

>As you finalize your diabolical plan, a low grunty chortle rumbles in your diaphragm.

>Oh my... you feel an evil laugh coming along.

"Screw Loose!"

>Your turn about to your henchman, still wrapped up in her straight jacket.

>She had asked you to get her out of it.

>You thought it matched her eyes, so no. No you did not.

>"Yeah boss?" she asks, wriggling on the ground like a little manic worm.

"Prepare the device! Today's the day we teach that meddlesome Celestia that I am NOT to be trifled with!"

>"Gee Anon, how are we gonna do that?"

"Simple, my simple simpleton. We're going to invade-"

>"Wooo!"

"Using this catapult!"

>"...Wooo!"

>You clamber deviously up into your evil device, strapping a helmet to your head as maliciously as you can.

"Screw!"

>"I look like a hush puppy."

"Pull the lever and let me fly like a burning phoenix of hate and prejudice into the lair of that sweet and saccharine princess!"

>"You got it boss!"

>Screw loose pulls the lever, and indeed you DO fly!

>Riiiiiiight over the castle.

>Just sailing right over it, man.

>You catch a glimpse of Celestia doing paperwork in her study.

"CURSE YOU, YOU VILE MARE."

>Celestia just coughs.

>You'd try again tomorrow. Perhaps the mobile drill car would finally work.

 

Today was a heinous day.

 

------

 

>Blast it all!

>You thought you had this ALL figured out, but she foils your plans YET AGAIN.

>You trudged out of a rather large pit below Canterlot castle, wiping mud and dirt from your evil uniform.

>Screw Loose rolls on out behind you as well.

>"Shoot, boss, I thought we had her there!"

"Silence, minion! I'm thinking!"

>"You got it boss."

>Rubbing your chin in heinous thought, wondering what you could do next.

>The drill was a bust, as it had just dug into a diamond dog colony.

>Did they drown? You're not really sure. Nor do you care.

"We need ray guns."

>"Huh?"

"Did I stutter?"

>"I don't know what speech impediments you have, boss!"

"SILENCE"

>"Kay."

"We need ray guns. Death rays! Lasers! Only then will I be able to be rid of that rotund reared royal!"

>"Heeeeeehehe, her butt's big."

"If only it had a target painted to it, then it would be all the easier!"

>As you walk out, you're suddenly greeted by a platoon of guards.

>"Halt. Is that what I say? Halt? Yeah. Halt." says one of the guardsponies.

"Ha! You think you can capture ME?! Anonymous! The most diabolical scourge of your worthless little world?! Ha! Don't make me laugh!"

>"Sir we-"

"Too late, I'm laughing anyway! HAHAHAHAHA!"

>"You forgot the "mwa" at the start of the laugh, boss," says Screw, hopping on one hoof.

"Of course! Thank you, whelp!"

>"S'cool."

>"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

>The guards taze you.

>All at once.

>Your devious balls are fried.

 

Today was a dastardly day.

 

------

 

>You weren't going to stand for this.

>You were ANONYMOUS! The vile one, the bestial scourge! The eater of worlds and children!

>No, wait, those weren't your titles.... huh.

>Still!

>You currently sat in a cell inside the Canterlot dungeon.

>A very large, tattooed stallion was sitting near you in your cell.

>You think his name is Peaches.

>You don't like Peaches.

>Peaches makes kissy faces at you when you look at him and it's getting unsettling.

>"Hey, mask guy. You have a visitor," calls a guard towards your cell.

"Ha! I knew rescue would come for me eventually."

>Peaches gives that damn face again.

>You really don't like Peaches.

>Walking to your cell bars, you're greeted by-

"...Screw Loose?"

>"Shhh! I'm under cover!"

>Yes. Under cover. Screw Loose was dressed in her usual straight jacket and nothing else, save for a pair of glasses.

"...Right. Nevermind. Get me OUT of here, minion!"

>"Don't you worry boss, I got JUST what you need!"

"Yes! YES! Is it my death ray? Or my freeze gun? PLEASE tell me it's the shark cannon!"

>"Even better!"

>Screw Loose hands you a cake.

"..."

>She winks, then flops to the floor and wriggles out of the dungeon.

"..."

>Peaches is massaging your back.

>He's breathing on your neck.

>You don't like Peaches.

>You REALLY don't like Peaches.

>Then you notice that your cake is ticking.

"..."

>One minute later, you're sprinting out of the massive hole left in the side of your cell from the cake bomb.

 

Today was a malicious day.

 

-----

 

"MWAHAHAHAHA!"

>"HAHAH-"

"Silence Screw Loose! I'm trying to do my evil laugh!"

>"Sorry boss I just thought I'd join in ya know?"

"...you thought... that you'd just... join in?"

>"Well... I mean..."

"YOU'LL JOIN IN ON MY MALICIOUSNESS WHEN I DAMN WELL WANT YOU TO."

>"Yes boss! A'course boss! Whatever you say boss!"

"THANK YOU... now where was I... hrm... ah yes! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

>Your deliciously sinister laugh rocks through your evil lair.

>Screw Loose laughs under her breath. She liked joining in.

>You hated that.

>Ah, but you had a big day!

>Today was the day you completed your magnum opus!

>Your very own DOOM-BOT!

>Granted you've had to make due with wood and plastic to make him, but STILL!

"Screw! Throw the switch!"

>"You got it boss!"

>The schizophrenic mare wriggles over to a large lever near the Doom-Bot's frame, still in her straight jacket.

>Yanking the lever with her teeth, electricity courses through the Doom-Bot's body.

"Yes! YES! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIVE! ALIIIII-"

>And then it melts.

>The plastic AND the wood just... form a goopy puddle on the table.

>You blink beneath your mask.

>Screw Loose is making fish noises.

 

Today was a Dreadful Day

 

-----

 

>Ahhh Ponyville.

>What a beautiful, idyllic little town nestled in an even more splendid valley.

>Oh...

>Oh how you HATED it so.

"Look at it, Screw Loose! Isn't it just... just..."

>"Pretty?"

"Yes! It's oh so PRETTY!"

>"Heeee~ I like pre-"

"I HATE PRETTY."

>"Pretty sucks, yup I hate pretty things, pretty things are just the worst, boss."

"Exactly, Screw Loose," you say as you sling an arm around her shoulders. "Exactly. Pretty things are just absolutely horrid. And do you know what we do to pretty things?"

>"Take them out to dinner?"

"What?"

>"Huh what I didn't say anything musta been the wind or somethin' hehe whaaaaat?"

"...rrright. Anyway, do you know what we do to pretty things?"

>"Whazzat boss?"

"BURN THEM TO THE GROUND!"

>You spin around to the great field of wheat that lead to Ponyville, lighting a Molotov Cocktail in your hands.

"With one throw I shall set the field on fire, and then it shall spread all the way to town! Soon, every soul in Ponyville shall BURN! HAHAHAHA!"

>"HaaaaaaaahaaaSoThat'sANoOnDinner?"

"What?"

>"Wind, boss."

"Of course! No, let my evil be DONE!"

>You throw the cocktail.

>It bursts ahead of you.

>And....the fire begins to go towards you.

>Huh. Seems you're down wind...

>...

"RETREEEEAAAAAT!"

 

Today Was a Hellish Day