Normal Norman - Normality is Heretical #6

>Day FOR THE EMPEROR! in the Canterlot 103rd

>Be Norman

>Cybernetic enhancements are somewhat common within the Imperium

>Sometimes they are added due to necessity, and sometimes out of obligation

>When Adam became part of the Adeptus Mechanicus, he got body parts replaced from time to time until he became what he is today

>When Orange lost her arm to an ork (and then beat the shit out of the culprit with it), she got a bitchin' power arm in return

>When I got shot in the gut by a stupid Eldar Ranger though...

---

>"Are you sur-"

>"For the fifth time Yellow, I'm fine. Now put the needles down."

>"But Nor- I mean, sergeant, you could still be hurt! Let me check you again. Um... if you want to."

>"Seeing as I've been on one of those beds for about three months already, no thanks."

>"Bu-"

>"Doctor's said I'm fine, so don't worry about it."

>"O-ok. Well take care then." - she said, finally letting me leave the medical center

>With that bit of awkwardness out of the way, I could finally return to my great life of... of...

>"Hey xenofucker! Get rekt!" - yelled a couple of guardsmen as they lobbed a pink dildo my way, smacking me right in the face

>...of THIS bullshit

>Before I could lob it right back, the two pricks were gone

>"Uuuuurgh." - I groaned, trying to forget the whole thing had just happened

>To that end, I threw the damned thing off into the air at some random direction, then proceeded to the barracks to see if my stuff was still there

>Sure enough, it wasn't

>It seemed for once, Brad listened and locked it all in his vehicle so that no jackass could mess with my stuff

>Good man

>Before I could go look for Brad to give thank him though, a tiny red light on my hip started flashing, giving off a beeping noise

>"Damn, already?"

>Wasting no time, I went to the bathroom and into one of the stalls

>***INITIATING EXCRETION PROTOCOL***

>While others got awesome implants or prosthetics, like a fuck-off power arm, I got an Emperor-damned robo-butt

>Robutt

>Fuck my life

 

>After the "test run" of my new piece of equipment, I returned to the barracks in hopes of finding Brad

>Hopefully, I could get all my stuff back before the day was over

>And sure enough there he was

>Within a small, happy crowd massed around Rainbow, who was sitting atop a pile of crates

>Apparently, she was partaking in everyone's favorite pastime: Dramatically reading the "Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer"

>A.K.A. the wordiest piece of toilet paper ever

>"The standard M-G short pattern lasgun is amongst the Imperium's most powerful weapons, being especially effective against living things!" - she said outloud, trying not to snicker

>"The lasgun possesses multiple firing modes to quickly adapt to changing battlefield conditions, as well as compliment the strengths of individual Guardsmen. These are listed as "Single Shot", "Repetition", and "Automatic", all adjustable with the turn of the Settings Dial." - she read, giving everyone a deadpan look before picking up her own lasgun

>Giving it a thorough inspection, she failed to find any sort of dial

>"Well shit guys, I think my gun's broken!" - she said snarkily, getting some laughs out of the men

>She was quick to shush them and kept going

>"Proper maintenance of the lasgun is crucial to its its functionality... No... really, book?! Ahem... proper maintenance involves anointing the barrel with "sacred" linquent every day, and before entering combat. Revere and honour the lasgun. Neglecting the Machine Spirit will cause the weapon to fail. Because apparently Machine Spirits are a bunch of whiny babies that need to be pampered or they'll throw a tantrum. Waaaaah! I didn't get oiled today! Waaaaah!"

>Good thing Adam wasn't here, seeing as he'd probably go berserk at that comment...

>Having had a good laugh, I decided that was enough fun for now and pulled Brad out

>"Normy! How're you doing?"

>"Oh you know, missing an intestine and all. By the way, mind giving me my stuff back?"

 

>"There we go. Sure that's everything?" - asked Brad as I checked the contents of the cardboard box

>He folded it together from the flak jackets of two or three guys who took axes to the face

>Same material, really

>"Notebook... data slate... Mr. Huggles... ROTTING EAR?!"

>"So THAT'S why the Chimera's been stinking lately. Huh... I think Adam wasted his time with that exorcism then... I'll just tell him it worked so he doesn't feel bad." - he said

>"Yeah, you do that." - I replied, turning around to carry my stuff back to my bunk

>Only to find my squad standing there, an Ogryn, and Commissar Aryan

>"Get onboard, darlings. We got work to do." - she said, waving both Brad and myself into the vehicle

>"Wait, what? But-" - I tried to ask, only to be cut off

>"No buts, dear. Apparently a scouting party disappeared just now near the Everfree Forest and command wants us to look for them." - she said, heading to the hatch herself

>As everyone got on, I let out a sigh and gave looked for somewhere inside to place the box at

---

>I never did like riding in Chimeras

>They're tight, uncomfortable, and ventilation's not the best

>But hey, it's a troop transport that operate in war zones; it's not meant to be comfy

>The nasty part though is that, even though it's meant to carry 12 people besides the crew, command REALLY LIKES to make the msot of them

>Usually by including one, or two, or twenty more people

>I swear, if war was a circus, this would be the clown car

>In this case, had to share space with an Ogryn

>With nothing to do until we got there, I started talking to Rainbow

>Who was holding a rather long weapon...

>"Hey, what's with that gun?" - I asked, looking at the size of the damn thing

>"What, you've never seen a long-las rifle before?"

>"No, I mean, where did you get it?"

>She just shrugged before answering - "Would you believe I found it on my bunk right before we got called out? Requisition papers filled, signed and approved, all there. Not complaining."

 

>Soon enough, we got there

>At night, at the edge of the Everfree Forest

>Dark, surrounded by trees and more darkness

>Yup, nothing can go wrong here

>As I walked out the rear hatch, a robotic voice started talking right in my ear

>"So Norman, where do you need me?"

>Were it not for my new implants, I would have probably shit myself

>"Adam?! How the- what are you doing here?!"

>"The scouts were using Sentinels. If we find them, I have to determine whether they can be fixed, and if not, put their Machine Spirits to rest."

>".... riiight... How the hell did you get here anyway?"

>"On that able beast." - he said, one of his robo-tentacles pointing at the Chimera - "Riding outside."

>"Er... why outside?" - I asked with an inquisitive stare

>After taking a quick look around, one of his tentacles nudged me closer - "Promise not to tell?"

>"Sure, just spit it out."

>"Well, you see. It's pretty cramped in there, and I'd have to sit close to R... Ra... someone. I don't think I could."

>"Ah, I see. Look, I can understand you're afraid of the Commissar, but I'm telling you. She's one of the good ones. And by "good" I mean "won't shoot the whole squad faster than she can drop her hat." Which, given this regiment's competence record, is pretty good for our health."

>"Oh, right, the Commissar. Of course, she's terrifying. I'll just go stand over there if you need me." - he said, walking to the front of the vehicle and... petting... the Chimera

>Damn Techpriests and their machine... affection? Fetish?

>I don't wanna know

>Shaking my head, I went to find Rainbow

>"Alright, listen. I want you to go up the side of the mountain and act as a lookout with that rifle." - I ordered

>"You got it! Anything specific you want me to keep an eye out for?"

>"Yeah. Look for heat signatures. If it doesn't look like an animal, let us know immediately."

>"Right. I'm on it." - she said as she sprinted towards the mountain

 

>Good new, finding the two Sentinels was easy

>Apparently, their engines were still on

>Given the lack of anything else in the damn forest, it lit up in Rainbow's thermal scope like a candle in the darkness

>Bad news, they were completely wrecked, their legs destroyed and the pilots having been apparently dragged out in a violent fashion, if all the blood was anything to go by

>"So, do you think you can salvage anything from them?" - I asked as Adam's robo-tentacles inspected every part of the wrecks

>I'll never get over how creepy that is

>"As you know, their legs are broken and hull is damaged. Their lascannons, however, are still fully functional as well as their computers and engines. If they're taken back, we can rebuild their bodies and nurse their Machine Spirits back to health." - he said, all the while petting one of the wrecks

>I swear, one of his tentacles was shushing it and saying words of comfort...

>Nodding quickly, I looked for an excuse to get away from there

>And found it quickly, in the form of Rainbow calling me

>"Sorry Adam, need to take this call." - I said, rapidly walking away before answering my headset - "What have you got fo-"

>"GET DOWN NOW!" - she yelled over the vox, followed by me crouching, making hand signs for everyone to do the same

>The purple Ogryn had to actually lay down so as to not be visible

>Commissar Aryan came to me quickly - "What's the matter?"

>"That's what I'm finding out. Rainbow, come in. What do you see?"

>"Eight heat signatures moving towards you from the north! One of them is HUGE! I'm switching off thermal. It's..."

>"It's what? Rainbow?" - I asked, only to hear her say something to herself, dread in her voice

>"By the Emperor... not them..."

>"Rainbow? Answer me, dammit!" - I demanded, peeking through the northern foliage

>What I saw took my own breath

>Seven men, their tops displaying self-inflicted mutilation

>Chaos Cultists

>The greatest cause of horror, however, was their leader

>A Chaos Marine

 

>Chaos...

>Why did it have to be Chaos?

>Why not more Orks?

>Atleast they just shoot you or chop you up, instead of damning your soul to suffer unmentionable atrocities for all eternity...

>"Oh dear Emprah... Come on Norman, think..."

---

>BASIC TRAINING

>"Cultists are just men! Depraved, heretical, vile men who've given themselves over to false gods! You'll kill them in droves without batting an eye!" - yelled the drill sergeant, bringing up the image of a humongous, armored man on the display

>"This, however, is the real threat. Traitor space marines who've abandoned the Emperor's side. Their armor requires a minimum of thirty-two shots in a single location to penetrate with a lasgun, so it's recommended you use either bolt or plasma weapons to take them down." - he said as images of either type popped up

>"But what if we only have lasguns?" - asked a man at the back of the room

>"THEN DROWN THEM IN YOUR BLOOD!"

---

>Basic training was essentially the most useless four months I've ever lived through

>"Ah, Chaos... an excellent chance to educate those savages." - said the Commissar after taking a look for herself

>"Please tell me you have a plan."

>"I do. You stay here. I'll take Spike and three other men and flank them."

>"Spike?" - I wondered outloud

>"The Ogryn. He just started following me one day and wouldn't stop. And he certainly knows how to compliment a lady." - she said, fixing her hat with a smile - "Regardless, as soon as I give the order, throw grenades and open fire. We'll have to take out the cultists first, then close in to attack the traitor marine with power weapons. Spike is strong enough to keep him busy in CQC for a time while we attack from range, but we'll have to hurry."

>Knows how to compliment a lady... bah...

>Sentiments aside, that... wasn't a bad plan, actually

>Better than just charging and hoping to pierce adamantium with regular bayonets

>As she left with her group, however, I could swear the Ogryn grinned in my direction

 

>Be Rainbow Dash

>"Take out stragglers. Got it."

>Finally going to test this bad boy out

>Didn't think it'd be against Chaos though...

>"Ok, here goes."

---

>Be Norman

>"That takes care of her. Now for you nameless guys. As soon as I give the order, shower them with grenades and start firing."

>"Hey, we have names too fag- I mean, sir."

>"Oh yeah?" - I replied, giving him a deadpan stare - "Tell you what. Survive fighting those bastards and I'll bother learning it."

>Turning my back to them, I immediately called Brad

>"Brad, come in. Over."

>"Hey 'Sarge'. Do you need me to pick you up already?" - he said in his usual, cheery tone

>"No. We ran into some Chaos. I need you to bring the Chimera over for when it inevitably gets nasty."

>"I hear ya. Do you want me to be sneaky or just rush in, guns blazing?"

>Before I could answer, Adam tapped me on the shoulder

>"What is it?" - I asked him, getting pointed at the spot the rookies were at a moment ago

>With them gone...

>And with someone yelling "DIE TRAITOOOOORS!!" -really- close by...

>"Brad. Get your ass here right the fuck now."

---

>Be Commissar Rarity

>"Ugh, that looks like it'll hurt." - I said, looking at the three Guardsmen charging the Chaos group

>My suspicions were confirmed once an arm, ripped right off its socket, smacked Spike in the face, followed by a scream along the lines of "MY SPLEEN!"

>"Shouldn't we help dem?" - asked my giant companion, firmly grasping his ripper gun

>"Of course not. Even though you can't help but admire their valiant efforts, they're still disobeying orders. Then again, I'm probably to blame for doing a magnificent job with this group. After all, a commissar's duty is to muster the Guardsmen's courage and loyalty under fire and to" - I stopped, interrupted by the sound of footsteps rapidly moving away from us

>My own group was running away

>"HEY, GET BACK HERE!" - I yelled running after them, bolt pistol in hand

>In the end, bolter rounds tend to be faster than cowards

 

>Be Norman

>And so here I was, standing behind a tree, getting shot at with autoguns by a bunch of heretics who kept yelling "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" with their nasal, whiny voices

>All the while the traitor marine was maniacally laughing his ass off

>At least Adam had found cover inside the wrecks of the Sentinels

>"Adam, please tell me you've got some secret techpriest superweapon or something under all those robes and tentacles!" - I yelled, not moving lest I get ripped apart by the endless stream of lead

>"Sorry Norman, I just have a laspistol, like you." - he answered, quite apologetic

>"Well can't you get one of the Sentinel's lascannons firing at them?!"

>"That would imply I can uninstall one of them while keeping it attached to the power source, and then lift and aim it at them, all while under fire."

>"Can you do ANYTHING then?!" - I yelled in frustration

>He took a moment to answer, having gone into deep thought - "I think there is..."

>Suddenly, he started talking in what I can only describe as static

>Moments later, the hail of fire stopped, prompting complaints from the cultists

>"What'd you do?!" - I asked, taking a slight peek at the group

>"I-I insulted their guns' Machine Spirits..." - he said, his voice on the edge of tears - "I ne-need a moment..."

>Leaving Adam to his techpriest-ness, I threw a pair of frags at the cultists, followed by satisfying explosions

>When the dust settled, only one of them remained

>Pulling out a knife, he took a striking pose aimed in my direction

>"HYAGHYAGHYAG! KHORNE FAVORS ME, WELP! I'LL SACRIFICE YOUR GUTS TO THE BLOOD GOD!"

>A second later, his head got vaporized by a laser shot from atop the mountain

>And all the while, the Chaos marine continued with his maniacal laugh

>"It's only you and me now, slave of the corpse emperor! Come and give your life to Khorne!" - he yelled, his chainsword revving up with rage

>Well, at least I had a power sword instead of a shitty bayonet

>I want my mommy...

 

>Be Rarity

>"Well, that takes care of those cowards." - I said, walking behind Spike and reloading my bolt pistol - "So tell me darling, anything important happen?"

>"Norman need help." - he said with his usual gruff voice

>As I took a look for myself, I was just in time to see Norman getting thrown about like a ragdoll

>"Oh my goodness! Spike, this is terrible! We have to do something!"

>"Spike help." - he answered, readying his gun

>I took a moment to wipe off coward's blood off my cape

>That thing stains

---

>Be Norman

>Currently on the ground after getting thrown around

>"IS THAT ALL, WORM?! YOU'RE NOT WORTH TASTING MY CHAINSWORD'S RAGE!" - yelled the traitor, trying to stomp me to death

>Seeing as being flattened by a power-armored super-soldier wasn't in my best interests, I rolled the hell out of the way

>All the while Adam (ineffectively) tried plinking away at the monster's armor with his laspistol from the safety of cover

>Rainbow's attempts at sniping the beast weren't useful either

>Suddenly, a primal, guttural roar was heard as a purple Ogryn rushed out of the woods, tackling the Chaos marine

>Right behind him, the Commissar followed, standing right in front of me

>"Come on, get up. You die when I say you die." - she said, helping me back on my feet

>Catching my breath, I turned to look at Spike and the traitor engaging in superhuman fisticuffs

>"So, we run over there and stab him in the back?" - I asked

>Pulling out her power sword, she grinned - "Sounds like a plan. Shall we?"

>In unison, we charged

>Only to hear "INCOMING!" over the vox

>Brad's Chimera appeared over a ridge, having knocked over (and dragged) over a dozen trees in his rush to get here

>All of which ended up getting thrown by inertia towards the giant combatants

>"Spikey Wikey!" - yelled out the Commissar as the two were buried underneath a beaver's treasure worth of logs

>Brad yelling "PEW PEW PEW!" while he fired the multilasers at the pile did not help the issue

 

>"BRAD, CEASE FIRE!" - I screamed over the Vox, the Chimera's multilaser going silent

>There was a moment of anxiety as everyone that remained waited for something to happen

>Said something came in the form of the (now burning) pile of logs moving, a large figure standing up

>The Chaos Space Marine

>"HA! IS THAT ALL THE SLAVES OF THE CORPSE EMPEROR HAVE?! WOOD?!" - he yelled

>Apparently, all those logs managed to knock off his helmet, exposing his horribly deformed face

>"I'LL ENJOY HANDING ALL YOUR SOULS TO KHORNE! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR SKULL THRO-"

>He was rudely interrupted by a heavily-charged laser beam vaporizing his cranium, which was fired from the mountaintop

>With the threat neutralized, everyone scrambled to dig Spike out from under the logs

>And by "everyone" I meant "Adam", seeing as he was the only one present with a crane built to his back

>Within ten minutes, he had managed to put out the fires and get the knocked-out giant out of there

>"Phew, that was tiring. He's fine, by the way. Nothing a few implants won't fix."

>"Do you have to add implants to everything?" - I asked, glaring at him

>"What can I say? It's in my nature."

---

>The ride back to base was uneventful

>Once we got back, we all got a pat in the back

>Six casualties, three of which were friendly fire, are apparently well within acceptable numbers if it meant killing one Chaos marine

>On my part, I went straight to the barracks to catch some sleep

>I managed to find Scott there

>"Hey man, I heard you got your own squad now. Congratulations." - I said

>"Forget about it. I'm getting transferred back to yours." - he replied with a heavy sigh

>"What? Why?!"

>"Because apparently all the recruits they put under my command dediced that trying to kill Orks with bayonets was a good plan and died."

>"Where the fuck did they get that idea?!" - I demanded

>Scott just pulled out the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer and showed me the appropriate page

>Fuck this book