Normal Norman - Normality is Heretical #5

>Day PROMOTIONS! in the Canterlot 103rd

>Be Norman

>"That's SERGEANT Norman to you, maggot!"

>I'm loving this shit way too much

>Specially since I could rub my new rank all over Scott's face and feel his anal anguish rising

>"Yeah, yeah. At least I've still got a gun." - replied Scott, trying his best to not show his pooper pain

>"Oh yeah. A shitty lasgun. LOOK WHAT I GOT!" - in a single motion, I pulled out my new power sword from its sheath

>Unfortunately, I was standing too close to the wall, hitting it in the process

>And it had somehow been turned on upon being pulled out

>The end result was it slicing right through the wall

>"Opal! What happened to your tail?!" - was heard on the other side

>The ancient Kenyans of Terra wouldn't have been able to match the speeds at which Scott and I ran away

---

>Despite the little incident earlier in the morning, today was shaping up to be a good day

>Space Marines finally arrived and proceeded to murder every ork in their vicinity

>Now, they were assaulting their main stronghold in the mountains, and we had to cover their flanks

>That meant sitting our asses on a mountain pass and making sure no ork reinforcements could get through

>This time the Dame General was present, so there really wasn't a chance for the regiment to fuck up massively

>Again

>And for once, my squad, or rather the one I was put in charge of, didn't get sent straight to the front, instead placed as reserve

>Unfortunately both Red and Orange weren't as lucky

>Then again, Red mans a gun as big as myself behind a wall of sandbags, and Orange can beat an ork to death with her bare fists, not to mention her new mechanical one

>"High ground, a pretty good killbox down in the pass, artillery out the ass. Yeah, I don't think we're going to get to fight today, guardsman." - I said, turning to look at the only other person out in the observation post I was hanging out in

>He was laying on the ground with a massive stab wound in his torso

>"... Oh come on!"

 

 

 

>Almost as soon as I saw the corpse, I picked up movement on the corner of my eye

>instinctively I unsheathed my power sword, barely managing to stop a blow from a black sword in the process

>Wielding it was a tall, sleek female figure in bone-white armor, with a ridiculously large helmet

>Fucking...

>"Accept your fate, mon-keigh! Your deaths will insure the survival of the craftworld!"

>... Eldar

>A howling banshee, to be precise

>Before either of us could react, lightning coursed through her body, making the Banshee convulse in place

>Taking this chance, I swung my power sword, decapitating the xeno

>As she fell, I saw another figure standing at the door

>"Purple!" - I yelled once I saw her there, having her hand pointed where the Eldar had been standing a second ago - "You have NO IDEA how glad I am to see you!"

>"I kinda do." - she said, pointing to her head - "But there's no time for that! There are Eldar inside the base, and they took out our communications!"

>"Wait, they what?! How?!"

>"I don't know, but once the other psykers and myself sensed them, we couldn't contact anyone!"

>"Oh Emperor, this is bad. Ok, lets think. Eldar. Sneaky bastards. If they can screw us over without fighting directly, how would they do it?" - I asked

>Maybe it was because Purple was reading my mind, or we both just happened to reach the same conclusion, but our answer was the same

>"Dame General Celestia!"

---

>Be Brad

>"There! Done!" - I said, looking at my masterpiece

>My chimera was now ready for battle, covered in god-tier art

>The main turret had the words "EMPERAH'S FUREH!" written on it in red, with an arrow pointing to the shooty end

>Side-lasturrets had stickers with "PEW PEW!" slapped on

>And its sides had my precious face painted on them, wearing bitchin' sunglasses

>"Hey Scott, what do you think?"

>Still seated on a couple of ammo crates, he just glared at me

>"That's not how you spell 'Emperor'. Or 'Fury'. Dumbass."

>Scott was right, I had to correct it

>EMPRA'S FURRY!

 

 

 

>Be Scott

>Not only did I have to deal with Norman going on a power trip over his new promotion

>Or being ordered to guard the depot while everyone else went to dick around the base as long as we weren't needed

>But I also had to deal with a complete moron who was doing THE EXACT SAME THING THAT GOT HIM BANNED FROM PILOTING A BANEBLADE!

>"There. How's it look now?" - said the talking monkey, pointing to a painting of himself wearing stupidly-large and pointy shades

>"Five out of ten. Apply yourself." - I answered as a screeching yell suddenly pierced both our ears and minds, knocking us to the floor

>When it ended, we could hear weapons discharging and screams outside, as well as an explosion going off extremely close to our position

>As soon as I could get up, I rushed to a nearby window to peek outside

>The Basilisk artillery guns were on fire, with their crews attempting (and failing) to fight off a force of Eldar

>"Oh shit oh shit OHSHIT!" - I said, rushing towards Brad and helping him get up

>"Aaaaah! That was NOT Bradical!" - he said, shaking his head

>"Shut up and get in the chimera! There are xenos outside and they're attacking our artillery!"

>"What?! But if we lose those-"

>"We lose those, our line will gets steamrolled! Now MOVE!"

---

>Be Brad

>CRUNCH!

>Nothing like the sound of a xeno being crushed under treads!

>Stupid banshee probably never saw my chimera as it rushed out of the depot!

>"BRAD, THE FUCKING CLIFF!" - yelled Scott as he shot the multilaser

>"Sorry, sorry!" - I apologized, driving away from the chasm I was heading to and taking us charging towards our Basilisks

>And running over another xeno! Woo!

>"I'm just glad these Emperor-damned fairies didn't seem to bring anything to deal with armor." - said Scott, PEW PEW'ing more - "Woah, what the fuck!"

>Before I could ask what the problem was, an Eldar in red armor and a white helmet popped out of nowhere on one of the Basilisks

>I barely managed to get down as my chair was riddled with holes

 

 

 

>Be Norman

>"Quick, pass me a frag!" - I yelled to a guardsman

>"Yes sir!" - he answered, throwing over the explosive

>Purple and I had managed to find and/or rescue a few guardsmen and formed ourselves a ragtag squad

>Yet at the moment, a fucking Eldar in red armor was keeping us pinned in a hallway, stopping our advance

>I swear the bastard just popped up there as soon as we turned the corner

>Taking a slight peek, I threw in the grenade

>Only for it to get shot in midair by the continuous storm of... whatever it was shooting at us

>However, in a second the barrage stopped, followed by the sounds of a struggle

>Taking a look around the corner, I could see the Eldar having been forced to its knees

>A woman was standing next to it, with a highly-decorated uniform, a magnificent, flowing blue hair, and a bolt pistol pointed at the xeno's head

>With no hesitation, she pulled the trigger, blowing its head all over the walls and ceiling

>The Eldar wasn't just killed; it was outright executed

>Slowly, we all walked around the corner

>There wasn't a person in the regiment who did not recognize who she was

>"Dame Commissar!" - I said, sheathing my power sword and standing in salute

>Stormtroopers and assorted guardsmen soon appeared, standing behind her, including a few psykers

>Seems like she'd gathered her own group of survivors

>"At ease sergeant." - she said, looking at my own group - "Where were you headed?"

>"To the command bunker, ma'am. We suspect the Eldar were here to hit our commanders, now that you and Dame General Celestia were here."

>"I've considered the possibility. However, I'll handle the safety of our command structure. Now that you're here, I need you to take your men and secure both the depot and Basilisks. Some of the other squads we encountered reported weapons fire from that direction."

>"Yes ma'am!" - I answered, saluting once more, signaling the squad to follow

 

 

 

>Be Applejack

>"Dash, whatd'ya see?" - I asked as she looked down her binoculars

>"The greenskins are rushing to their base, alright. I'd say... two... three minutes tops before they hit us."

>"A'ight." - I answered, walking towards the Commissar

>"Er, ma'am? When are HQ's guns supposed to start firing?" - I asked

>"Oh, any minute now. The rascals will come right to us, beaten and bleeding!" - she answered

>"Of course. Ah just mean, when? They're almost here, but the guns shoulda started shooting a while ago."

>"As I said, any minute now." - answered Rarity, looking back at the mountains - "Any minute."

---

>Be Brad

>"OUT! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!" - I yelled, pushing Scott out of the chimera through the rear hatch

>Just as we did, the chimebrad's shot-up engine fizzled out and died, without actually exploding

>Under a hail of fire, we ran from cover to cover, it being desintegrated moments after we had gotten to it

>Soon enough, however, we made it to the depot once more

>"What now?!" - I asked, looking at Scott

>"I- I don't know!" - he said, throwing his rifle on the floor and putting his hands on his face

>An idea popped in my head though

>"Open the crates!" - I said, getting off the one I had sat on to look at its contents

>As I had hoped, a heavy bolter was packed inside, ready to use

>"Bradical!" - I said, grabbing it and its tripod, and heading to the window - "Bring the ammo box! I'll need you to feed it while I shoot!"

>It didn't take more than a few seconds to set the thing up

>First on the list?

>That teleporting son of a bitch!

>Firing on him, the bastard teleported away

>Only to reappear running towards us

>Firing again, he does the same again

>And again

>And again

>Until he no longer reappeared ahead of us

>"Where the hell did it go?!" - I asked outloud, before hearing a grunting sound behind us

>It was the dirty xeno in red armor, with a sword through its chest

>"Hey guys. Heard you needed help." - said Norman

 

 

 

>Be Rarity

>"STAND YOUR GROUND!" - I yelled as the horde overcame our position

>Not a single artillery shot had been fired when it was supposed to

>"Those gunners better be dead, or else they'll wish they were once I'm done with them!" - I thought to myself

>Big mistake

>During that distracting second a Nob tried to ram me, a fatal attack that I barely managed to roll out of

>However, that left me open for a swing with its club

>"UGLY GRINSKIN NO SMASH PRETTY BOSS-LADY!" - I heard, witnessing a purple ogryn wrestling the club away from the Nob and beating it to death

>With the orc eliminate, the ogryn approached me, picking me up and back on my feet

>"Boss-lady ok?" - he asked, to which I only nodded quickly, dusting off my uniform and hat and picking up my sword

>"Commissar! We hafta retreat right now!" - was a combination of words I'd never expect anyone to say to a commissar, much less coming from Applejack

>"What did you just say?!"

>"LOOK!" - she said, pointing behind me - "The armor's fallin' back! If we don't move, we're gonna get shelled by them!"

>"WHAT?! Who told them they could retreat?!" - I demanded

>"Ah dunno, but if we stay here, there ain't gonna be even pieces left of us!"

---

>Be Norman

>Having taken whatever was needed from the depot, the squad had become a terrifyingly efficient killing machine

>Besides Brad and Scott's team, two more heavy weapon teams were set up, one using an autocannon instead of a bolter to destroy whatever cover the Eldar used

>The rest took either plasma guns or flamers

>The users of the latter essentially taking a look at the Banshees' charges and going "NOPE!", burning them down with holy prometheum

>Or so was the case, until one of them cried out in pain, quickly being silenced by the blades of a green-helmet banshee

>One carrying two swords instead of one...

>"Foolish mon-keighs! Your actions here will doom us all, unless you leave this pla-"

>"Will you shut up and fight already?!" - I said, power sword out

 

 

 

>"GAH!" - I let out, having had to stop two blades heading straight to my face

>Before I could even regain my breath, the banshee struck again with incredible swiftness, attempting another decapitation with one of her blades

>With the other blade coming for my torso, I hopped back, barrying the lower attack

>Only to have her immediately close the distance, backing the two of us out of the depot

>"PURPLE! ZAP HER!" - I yelled out, with psychic lightning being shot being the end result

>Only for the damned Banshee to block it with one of her blades...

>However, that distraction gave me the chance to parry her other blade out of the way and kick her right in the chest, back into the building

>Understandably, none of the others attempted to shoot her during the whole ordeal, both out of fear of hitting me, and due to being busy with their own targets

>"Come on you xeno! Is that all you've got?!" - I taunted her

>Getting lunged right back out again for my touble, being pinned againt a misplaced crate

>"Any last words, mon-keigh?" - she said, not even waiting for me to respond before raising her blades over my head

>"Yeah." - I answered with a grin, seeing what was coming - "Emperor protects, bitch!"

>With that, Brad tackled her off me, allowing me to roll away

>"BRAD, RUN!" - I yelled to him as I fired my laspistol at the crate and ran back inside

>Ammo, explosives, weapons, it didn't matter, all those were highly explosive when hit with a laser

>Which was exactly what happened as the blast catapulted both Brad and myself to safety

---

>+++ATTENTION ALL GUARDSMEN. WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ADDING THE TEXT "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" AND THE HERETICAL SONG "PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE" TO THE SECURITY FOOTAGE OF SERGEANT NORMAL'S FIGHT  WITH A BANSHEE EXARCH, AND SENDING IT TO ALL THE TECHPRIESTS, WILL SOON BE DEALT WITH BY THE COMMISSARIAT. EMPEROR PROTECTS+++

 

 

 

>"What's going on? Why did you stop firing?" - I asked the squad

>"They're running away unto the mountain range, sir. What should we do?"

>"Let them. Secure the area first." - I said, walking towards the edge of the mountain, looking at the distant battle

>"Yes sarge!" - replied the guardsmen, making sure there were no more living Eldar around

>"It's a massacre..." - I told myself, walking towards Brad

>"Hey br- I mean, Sarge. What do you need?" - he asked

>"Look, you're our vehicle guy here. I need you to make sure the basilisks still work. If one's too damaged, ignore it and leave it for the enginseers."

>"You got it!" - he said, heading towards our artillery

>"Scott, come over here!" - I then commanded - "Go back inside the base and find the Dame Commissar, or if you can, the Dame General herself. Tell them the Basilisks are secured, but we need more men to use them."

>"Is inside secure?" - he then asked

>"What- of course it is! We came from in there! Now move your ass!" - I answered, feeling the need to give him a kick - "Alright then. Purple!"

>"I know. Read your mind. Already getting in contact with the other psykers up here, and trying to reach the ones down in the line." - she answered, pacing back and forth with her huge staff

>"Oh. Good." - I said, taking another look at the fighting taking place below - "As bad as it was up here, at least wasn't as bad as it is down there."

>In an instant, the whole world turned into pure pain

>As I fell to my knees, I looked at blood coming from my lower body

>"SNIPER!" - I heard someone say, realizing that I'd been hit somewhere in my lower body

>As plasma and laser fire was fired out, and I neared unconsciousness, I realized exactly where I'd been shot

>And thus I learned what rectal ragnarok truly was like