Normal Norman - Normality is Heretical #4

>Day WE DIE STANDING in the Canterlot 103rd

>Be Norman

>"Oh man, this isn't good. Not at all." - I said, passing my binoculars to Rainbow, who whistled in amazement at the sight before us

>Not only had our recon squad been cut off in a cave from the rest of the regiment, but the ork's entire fucking WAAAGH! was assaulting our defensive line

>On one hand, at least we all weren't in the middle of that meat-grinder

>On the other, if the line fell, we were dead back here anyway

>Twelve of us, the commissar and a chimera; can't do much with that

>"Oh goodness, this is just terrible!" - said the commissar - "Poor Opal will be terrified with all the fighting going on!"

>Sometimes, I think my squad got lucky when we got a commissar who won't shoot us for any little reason

>This is not one of those times

>"Psst, Dash, Norman. Come 'ere." - I heard Orange say, having both Purple and Brad besides her

>"What's up? Got any ideas?" - I asked, looking at the group

>"Well, I was thinking we could use the chimera to break past the ork horde and get back to our lines." - said Brad, getting a deadpan stare from everyone

>"Sure, sounds like a plan. To get us all killed!" - I responded

>"Which is why ah was callin' ya." - answered Orange - "Do ya have any ideas?"

>"Really? Way I see it, all we can do from here is distract them a bit. Hopefully long enough for our guys to get their shit together and push back." - I said, crossing my arms - "No idea how we'd be able to do that though."

>"I think I do." - said Purple - "The cave entrance is rather small. Barely large enough for our chimera to get through. If we can make them come this way, we can nullify their numerical advantage and do some damage."

>"Right, right. So, what do we do?" - I asked

>"Well darling, if you'll let me in on your plan-" - said our gorgeous commissar, scaring us all shitless as she popped up out of nowhere - "-we could, say, anger them. Specifically, we could insult their false war gods, Gork and Mork."

 

>"Yeah, that should get them to charge at our cave." - added our resident Sanctioned Psyker - "I can amplify the voice of whomever volunteers as well, so as to get as many orks as possible to come at us."

>"I vote Brad." - I said, getting a glare from him

>"Hey, I'm the only one here who can pilot the chimera! Someone else go!" - he said, before whimpering softly - "I miss the Bradblade..."

>"That's what you get for pissing off the techpriests by covering it in stickers!" - I replied, slapping the back of his helmet - "Anyone else?"

>What I got was a bunch of women looking at me, with pleading smiles on their faces

>"... Ok, fine. I'll play bait then." - I said, grabbing my plasma gun

>As I snuck outside carefully so as to not be spotted, everyone else either manned the chimera's sideturrets, or took positions around the entrance

>Standing up, I took a deep breath

>"GORK AND MORK ARE A PAIR OF USELESS DICKBAGS WHO CAN'T EVEN BEAT A KID IN A FIGHT!" - I yelled out with a resounding, echoing voice

>Purple was doing her job really fucking well

>Seein as a whole bunch of the horde suddenly stopped and stared at me, it looked like the plan was working as well

>"THOSE TWO PANSIES LIKE TO FROLLIC IN FLOWER FIELDS AND HUG EACH OTHER!"

>The anal anguish within the horde was quite visible

>"AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, THEY LIKE TO HAVE FANCY TEA PARTIES WITH THE ELDAR!"

>And that last one seemed to piss them off the most

>This could be seen by the fact that ten rockets flew over my head as I hit the dirt, blowing up outside the cave entrance and sealing it

>"... ohdearfuckingemprahwhy..."

>Suddenly, I found myself between a horde of angry greenskins and a wall

>Time to put basic training to use

---

>"LOOK! XENO RIGHT THERE! THE EMPEROR DIED FOR YOU! HOW WILL YOU REPAY YOUR ETERNAL DEBT?!" - yelled the drill sergeant, pointing to a cardboard cutout of a tyranid

>"FUKKEN XENOS!" - yelled a cadet, running at it and blowing himself up

---

>On second though, better not

 

>Thinking quickly, I grabbed two frag grenades, one in each hand, pulled the pins with my teeth, and chucked them at the incoming choppa-wielding orks

>The resulting explosion bought me around... two, maybe three seconds of life

>"Well then... Looks like this is it." - I said to myself, firing plasma bolts at my soon-to-be slayers

>However, taking a look at the Guard's line from my elevated position, it seemed I wasn't going to be torn apart in vain

>I had distracted the horde enough for the Leman Russ tanks to push through, followed by a Baneblade

>Only one thing to do now

>I set the plasma gun to maximum charge

>Forced my bayonet on it, despite it not having any slot for the melee weapon

>And turned to look at the horde

>"FUKKEN XENOS!" - I yelled, charging my attackers

>If I was going out, it would be in a blaze of glory, taking a numer of them with me

>Or so was the plan

>The result was me getting punched in the jaw and having my supercharged weapon fly off into the distance

>Straight into the sealed cave entrance, vaporizing the rocks blocking the way

>"CHAAAAAAARGE!" - I heard an angelic voice yell, as the ork that had knocked me down was torn asunder by the chimera's multilaser turret

 

>Be Commissar Rarity

>As the chimera charged out of the cave, I could see the fate of the battle had turned

>The Guard was pushing the orks back!

>Yet through it all, I still had a man being attacked, and that just wouldn't do!

>"Back off ruffians! The only one allowed to kill my men is me!" - I yelled, seeing a wartrukk heading towards Norman

>"Drive me closer! I wish to hit them with my sword!" - I yelled as Brad took the chimera into a collision course with the vehicle

>Upon impact, both the green gunners and their weapons were sliced in half by my power sword, and its driver obliterated by laser fire

>All the while, the rear hatch opened, allowing Norman to be brought inside

 

>Be Norman

>If Scott still has a higher rank than me after this, I'm going to be pissed