Jester-Anon One-Shot

>Day Jester in Equestria

>Wake up with a Golden Sun as usual striking your face through the window

>One of these days you are gonna tear down that wall and just replace it with lame wood that you might find on the Everfree

>Better than having those Sun-rays on your face everyday

Hey, why are you describing my thoughts as if I was a Grumpy Old Fuck?

>"Because you are, that`s how today`s story is going to be, dildo-face"

No, you know what? No. That`s not going to be like that. Today I woke up really happy, and I want to share my happyness with the peop- err ponies.

>"Oh goodness no, not again..."

And what better way to do it than-

>"Being a Jester?"

No, you dingus! Tell jokes and make people smile like Pinkie does!

>"Okey, first your jokes are crap. Not like the crap you eat everyday, but worse. Like crap you might find on a 200 years old French Dumpster"

But-

>"And second, Pinkie doesn´t make ANYONE smile, the last time I had to deal with her, I wanted to break my legs and then OD myself until death, JEEZ!"

Well that wasn´t very nice...

>"Deal with it, now please get grumpy so we can begin this once and for all"

NO can do Mayor, told you how I want to be today, and nothing will change that!

>"FINE! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT" *Angry stair stepsounds* "You little piece of fungus, did I really quit McKing to work here? Jesus Fucking Christ..."

Welp, Guess I`ll be the narrator now!

>Then a huge pile of bacon appeared in front of Anon!

>...

>...

Where is my bacon!?

>ERROR, STORY CANNOT BE DERAILED ANYMORE

Well I didn`t know I was Clive Owen...

>"https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s"

Wuzzat?

>...

Oh well, nevermind. Guess I`ll just keep going with the morning routine and then head outside before Fluttershy comes around

>So you head downstairs and go to the bathroom

>As ponies have difficulties using stairs, the houses are usually build with a bathroom downstairs

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=vZpoGTEwd84#t=71s

>When you found Twilight`s video entitled "Twilight`s first stairs", your sides travelled the world just to stop on the same spot again and die from air collission

Well, they would have met their fate anyways, didn`t matter which side they choose...PFFMM hehhe

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s

There is that sound again! Where is it coming from?

>You decide to forget about that Quacker for now

Heheheh...Quacker

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s

Damn you!

>Anyways, just head to the bathroom, have a fine showering time, following a nice shaving and last but not less... Shit Fluttershy...

>No, but really, Fluttershy is in your bathroom now

Erm...Fluttershy...

>"Yes sweetie?" She replies while playing dumb

Why are you in my bathroom?

>She just stares at your crotch without answering

>She literally put her head inside the toilet while you are sitting taking a dump

>You push her head away and tell:" [spoiler] [/spoiler] Fluttershy, get the hell away from here! I am in a good mood today, don`t ruin it!

>She takes a few steps back but doesn`t leave

>The nerve of this mare...

Fluttershy, you know what? Looks like I am about to be single

>"R-Really? W-w-What do you mean?"

Becase I`m about to break with my nerves

>...

>...

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s

>She just stares at you

Get it? Because you are giving me a nervous breakdown?

>"Do you have a duck here or something Anon? I-I think I just heard a duck"

>...

Fuck you...

>Get up, clean your ass and drag her outside

>Go upstairs again and dress up

>Can`t dress down unless you were Robbie Williams on an ice disco

>...

Oh well, no duckie this time. Good riddance

>Skip the breakfast today, with Fluttershy in your house it would end up being a mess and it will ruin your mood

>Head out to see Twilight, she is always Grump, and you are not so Grump today, that`s gotta be something

>Meet with Lyra on your way

>"Heya sexy human! Where are you going with those hands of yours?" says she while lusty-staring at you

>This mare would kill for your hands

>But let us not worry about that for today

>Easy and Jokie Anon, easy and jokie..

Well thank you for admiring my beatiful hands, still haven`t done the manicure yet

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s

Not again damnit!

>"Wha-? Eh.. I gotta go Anon, see ya!" With that, Lyra takes her leave

>Meh, she is too soft for your hardcore jokes anyway

>Continue walking to Twilight`s home

>It`s odd that she lives in a giant fucking tree

>Combined with her personality, she has well earned the title of egghead

>You left her planted one day and she was furious with you

>Looks like she doesn`t like being left [spoiler]hanging from the branch[/spoiler]

>[spoiler]>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s[/spoiler]

I DON`T KNOW WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE, BUT IF YOU KEEP QUACKING AFTER MY JOKES, I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL DROWN YOU!

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRH!

>Decide to shut your mouth and ask Twilight about this

>Once you reach her house, you push Spike aside and he shouts at you

>"Why the hurry?! You left my vision blurry!"

>What the...

>Did Spike just rhyme?

Did you just rhyme?

>"I don`t know what that has to do, with you being such a meanie dude!" he rhymes again

Jeez man, that sounds like it`s coming from a pussy, did you eat a cat or something?

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s

>Scream Internally

>And externally

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

>"Is that a duck what I just heard? I am asking just to make it clear. I have this problem since this morning, Twilight forgot how to cast a spell and now I sound like a pony eating in Cho-Ming"

[spoiler]http://chomings.foodpages.ca/[/spoiler]

What the hell is that anyway?

>"A pony restaurant like no other, Scootaloo recommends it because of it´s chicken offers!"

No thank you, If I wanted to eat chicken then I could just visit Fluttershy

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s

>*Grrr*

>This is beyond frustrating and annoying, you leave Spike there with his stupid rhymes and go upstairs to see Twilismo

>You open the door and find her on the bed watching a sphere

>"I knew you were coming here Anon" She says without taking her eyes out of the sphere

What do you mean Twilight?

>"Did you wonder why a "cuack" sounds everytime you make a joke?"

>Now she moves her head just a little to have you on her sight

How did you..

>"Oh, I know many things Anon, specially the things that I do"

>Oh so SHE was the one that made those stupid noises after your great jokes!

Why you little piece of...

>"Ah-ah-ahhh!" I´d watch that language if I were you Anon, we are on Ponyville, use good words, it´s funnier that way. I am just taking care of you Anon."

>She leaves the sphere and tells you to get closer

>You do that while thinking of how to kill her

>Maybe you could sofocate her with the pillow

>And once she´s dead rise up from the bed and say "I always thought that you could use a little nap"

>[spoiler]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s[/spoiler]

You got to be fucking kidding me Twilight...

>"Joking on your mind? I don´t think so Anon. Wanna know why I casted this spell on you?"

>She gets closer to your ear and screams

>"BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A 5 MONTHS OLD FILLY!"

>That´s gotta leave you deaf for a long long time

>"But at least I found a way to stop you from joking like this, and before using my ace, I decided to have a little fun with this spell"

What did you do Twiight?

>This mare is scary

>She can basically do anything she wants and leave unscarred

>"Come" She says while showing you the sphere "See by yourself"

>Leaning closer to the sphere you manage to see the figure of Princess Celestia herself, and then she speaks

>"As Princess and with all the power that comes with the title, I declare that the next joke told by Anonymous the Human, will be sentenced to a rape day with the Element of Kindness"

>With that, the sphere explodes and look at Twilight

You really think Fluttershy could do something to me? Come on Twilight, I basically avoided her almost all the day. I only saw her in the morning while taking a shit!

>"We´ll see Anon, but remember, you have been warned"

>With that, she teleports you outside your houses

>Stupid ponies, they ruined your mood

 

>*THE NEXT DAY*

>Wake up and go to the bathroom for the morning routine

Wo WO wOO! Pal, come down. You came back with a hurry or something?

>"I just came today for the morning routine, so do this quick, I want to enjoy it before I go"

Ok Ok, Jeez...

>Go downstairs and brush your teeth

>It´s good that Colgate always advice you to constantly brush your teeth

>However it´s kinda weird, so much brushing

>What does she think, that you are a shoe or something?

>Heh

>Oh crap, the warning!

>Left...Right...

Hehe... I knew this ponies were just bluffing, not even a duck..

>Look down and spit

>Stare at the mirror and your heart skips 10 beats

>You only manage to catch a glimpse of FLuttershy leaning closer to you from behind and shw whispers at your ear

>"CUACK"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH