Soap Operanon in Equestria

>Day Soaps in Equestria

>God fucking damn the ponies in this place, every fucking day it's more of the same retarded drama

>You're currently half-listening to Rarity gossiping about Flitter cheating on her coltfriend with some minotaur Lolseas or something

>"Heavens, darling, it just keeps going on! Now, don't tell anypony I told you this, but Flitter might even be pregnant! She was reportedly feeling nauseous this morning, and she's not certain who the father is!"

>Your wandering mind has decided now is the best time to start visualizing

>You can't get the idea of a mutant pony/minotaur demonspawn out of your head

>You never asked for this

>You abruptly stand up

"I'm done."

>"Darling?"

"I'm done with this shit. Done with Equestria. Time for me to go. See you again never, Rarity."

>"W-wait, Anonymous, you can't be serious!"

"I'll kill myself if I have to. Fuck this gay Equestria."

>You stomp off towards your home as Rarity keeps yelling your name

>You kick open the door and head into your bedroom, where you whip out your Suitcase of Holding

>You start dumping everything you care about taking with you into it

 

>Meanwhile, a panicked Rarity has told Twilight what happened with you and your threat of suicide

>Twilight writes an urgent letter to Princess Celestia, begging for help, and then rushes off towards your house

>Rarity takes it upon herself to round up the rest of the gang, to see if any of them can help

 

>Back at your house, you're rifling through your pantry for the food you're going to need

>You just got to the canned goods when you hear Twilight shouting your name

>In seconds, she's in your kitchen and begging you to stay and not kill yourself

>You stare blankly at her and wait for her to stop talking

>"Do you know where ponies who kill themselves go to, Anon? TARTARUS! They go to Tartarus! A-and besides, if you leave then that means I've been a bad friend, and I CAN'T be a bad friend, I just CAN'T, it means I did something wrong and I NEED TO FIX IT! WHAT DID I DO WRONG ANON, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I'LL MAKE YOU STAY, I'LL CAST A SPELL AND THEN YOU WON'T LEAVE!"

>You give her a firm slap on the cheek, not enough to really hurt her, but enough to snap her out of the crazed look she was getting

"Twilight, I made up my mind. I'm leaving, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

>"But-"

"No. Now if you'll excuse me, I have packing to do."

>You reach for a can of beans and Pinkie Pie pops out of it, making a mess of your shelves

>"Anon! I heard you wanted to leave! Is it true?"

"Yep."

>"Well, why?"

"'Cause I can't deal with it anymore."

>"But what about-"

>You put a finger on her lips, stopping her mid-sentence

>She stares into your eyes, studying you carefully

>Years ago, you and Pinkie had discovered she could tell if someone really meant something, merely by looking into their eyes

>"You... you really, really, mean it... I'm gonna... I'm gonna miss you."

>Pinkie hugs you tightly, and your resolve wavers ever so slightly

"...I'll miss you, too, Pinkie."

 

>You close your suitcase and head outside, Pinkie and Twilight trailing behind you

>You make it all of five steps before a lasso wraps around your torso

>"Hold it right there Sugarcube!"

"Applejack, please."

>Applejack and Rarity were waiting outside, apparently

>"Nuh-uh. Not until you explain why you wanna go!"

>You glance in Rarity's direction, and she shrinks back in place slightly, nervous smile on her face

"You wouldn't understand if I told you, now get out of my way and just respect my wishes."

>You wriggle out of the rope on your own and start walking in the direction of the Ponyville Train Station

>...And are immediately tackled to the ground by a pair of pegasi, your suitcase going flying

>Rainbow Dash is crying openly, Fluttershy is... Fluttershy

>"But, you said, we were gonna go see the wonderbolts this weekend! You can't leave, Anon! You're my bro!"

"I'm sorry, Dash, but-"

>"Anooooooooon, whyyyyyyy? You- you can't- I don't want to- lose my- my b-bro!"

>Dash's sobs are starting to make you crack worse than Pinkie's hug

>You're starting to wonder if you really do want to do this

>"Um, are... are long, painful goodbyes your fetish, Anonymous?"

>And there was the confirmation

"Thank you, Fluttershy."

>"Huh? Did I g-guess it right?"

"No. I was losing sight of why I wanted to leave, but you were right there to remind me. Thank you."

>Her eyes momentarily widen, before what you just said really sinks in

>She stares at the ground in disappointment

>"Oh... you're... welcome..."

 

>You pick your suitcase back up and take off again

>A shrill whistling noise heralds the arrival of Princess Celestia herself, who lands right in front of you

>"Anonymous, please reconsider, I beg you!"

"Not in the mood for this shit, Celestia."

>"But, Anonymous-"

"No."

>"Anonymous, please think of-"

"I said, no."

>"But I need to tell you-"

"NO, GODDAMMIT!"

>Her ears flatten and she lowers her head reflexively

>You sigh

"Sorry for the yelling, but my mind's made up."

>"...Please, just let me tell you, there's something very important you must know before you leave."

"It won't make a difference, but fine."

>"Well, um, it's kind of..."

>She looks kind of nervous, like she's struggling to find the words

>"It's... this is a somewhat private matter, could we... maybe... go somewhere else before I tell you?"

"Fuck that shit. You can tell me right here."

>Celestia rubs the back of her neck with a hoof

>"I, um... I..."

"Right, nice talking to you. I'm going now."

 

>Celestia grabs your hand with her forehooves

>"Please... I'm- I'm pregnant."

>You blink

"Good for you, I guess? How is this supposed to-"

>"...It's yours."

>what

"What"

>"The foal... you're the father."

"That's impossible. We've never-"

>"Do you remember that night from a few weeks ago? There was that party, in Canterlot..."

>You remember that night all too well

"...Yeah, Luna and I ditched that party, she complained it was boring. She came over to my place to... spend the night. But she left before I-"

>"Before you woke up."

>The realization of what happened that night is starting to creep up on you

"You're fucking shitting me. She slapped me when I asked her about it the next night! What the hell is wrong with you? Disguising yourself as your sister?"

>She flinches

>"I-I don't know, I just... I..."

>She rears up on her hind legs, pulls you into her chest, and begins crying into your shoulder

>You reluctantly hold her back

"I guess I... can't let you raise... our kid, alone. As messed up as this shit is."

>She looks into your eyes, and you look into hers

>She slowly goes in for a kiss

>You shrug

"Screw it. Why not?"

>You kiss, and the world stands still

>She slips you a little tongue, and-

>"AND... CUT! That's a wrap!"

>The set bursts into ponies applauding as you and Celestia keep kissing

>She reluctantly breaks the kiss seconds later, giving you a wink

>"Meet me in my dressing room in ten minutes for our date, Anonymous."

>Getting into soaps was the best decision you ever made.