Anon in Deadquestria, Episode 2

>Day 107 in Deadquestria

>Death seemed to finally leave you alone this past week

>Yesterday, you bet Rainbow Dash that some poor fucker out in Manehattan was going to be the one getting the short end of the stick

>You checked the obituaries to see if you were right

>Some poor bastard named Mahonie found himself on the wrong end of a griffon's talons

>According to the obit, he was a... police officer, or something

>And he was from...

>Manehattan!

"FUCK YES!"

>"Be quiet, we are trying to sleep!"

>You pump your fist in triumph

>Rainbow Dash owes you twenty bits!

>You start whistling tunelessly, a magically-flung pillow narrowly missing your head as you duck

>It collides with another ugly vase, knocking said vase to the floor and breaking it into pieces with a crash

>"Ugh! We cannot sleep with this racket! Why do you have so many vases in your house?!"

>You shrug and continue whistling

>Today was already going to be a good fucking day

 

>You step outside, ready to see what shenanigans Death had in store for you today

>You figured that if Death was going to leave Ponyville alone for a week, it was probably itching to come back

>And the fact that you just profited off its work may have pissed it off, anyway

>You headed into town, aiming for Sugarcube Corner

>Pinkie Pie's working the counter today

>"Hey Anon! What can I get you?"

"I'm thinking... something with blueberries. Got any recommendations?"

>The noise Pinkie makes is an unearthly one

>The amount of air she pulls into her lungs manages to pull you a full inch closer to the counter

>...From your position at the front door

>You're not sure how she didn't inhale anything else in the room

>"Well, I just finished a completely NEW recipe I like to call the Bountiful Bombastic Blueberry Bundt Blast, and I've been looking for somepony willing to try it out! What do you say?"

"How much is it?"

>"Two bits!"

"I'll take it. Hey, by the way, you know where Rainbow Dash is?"

>Pinkie rummages around in the kitchen while calling out to you

>"Sorry Anon, not a clue!"

"Eh. No big deal, I'll find her later."

 

>Pinkie sets an impossibly blue slice of bundt cake in front of you and stares at you

>She gives you a grin that makes you uncomfortable, like she knows something you don't

>"So Anon... you got lucky last night, didn't you?"

>You munch happily on your slice of cake

"Sure di- wait, what?"

>"Don't try to deny it, Anon. Every time you get lucky, you want something with blueberries."

>She's got you there, and you know it

>"Spill! I want to know every detail!"

"...I won a bet I made with Rainbow Dash. Bet her the next poor schlub to die would be from Manehattan, and I was right."

>Pinkie looks confused

>"That's not what I was talking about at all..."

>She gasps again and her eyes narrow as she inspects your face

>"You're hiding something from me, Anon!"

"Pinkie, my dear, I don't know what you mean."

>Pinkie leans forward, stretching her neck toward you

>"Were you and L-"

>You clamp a hand over Pinkie's face and push her back

"Nope."

>You finish your cake

"Pretty good cake, Pinkie. You should make it a menu item."

>She perks up slightly at that, but you can tell she's not ready to let the issue go

>You hand her three bits, because you're not the kind to forego tipping

>You get to the door of Sugarcube Corner when Pinkie sweetly calls out your name

>She shouts

>"YOU AND LUNA ARE BUCKING LIKE RABBITS AREN'T YOU?"

 

>You stumble on your way out of the door, right into a griffon carrying a pair of oversized eggs

>One of the eggs flies out of its holster, and she shrieks in horror

>The world switches to slow motion

>You leap up and follow the egg as it flies through the air

>The griffon is screaming something at you, but you're not paying attention

>The egg is on a collision course with the ground

>You dive headfirst, barely catching it

>You get up, dust yourself off, and hand the egg back to the griffon

"Sorry about that, ma'am."

>"You dweeb! Watch where you're fucking going next time! You almost got one of my babies killed!"

>The griffon gives you the finger before continuing onward

>...Right into a speeding Rainbow Dash

>"MY BABIES!"

>Both eggs go flying

"This shit again?"

>Dash shouts in surprise, realizing what she's done, and shoots into the air, catching one of the eggs

>You manage to catch the other one

>You both hand an egg back to the griffon, who is becoming noticeably paranoid about the safety of her children

>"Gotta get out of this fucking deathtrap town!"

 

>As the griffon breaks out into a run, she stumbles over a rock

>Her face collides with the ground, and both eggs go flying

>Again

>You're too far away to catch one, this time

>Dash takes off like a bullet again, effortlessly catching one of the eggs

>You look on in horror, seeing where the other egg is headed

"You gotta be shitting me."

>The other one sails toward Snowflake, who effortlessly catches it

>>"YEEEEEAH! TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"

>Snowflake then spikes the egg

>The griffon faints

>You facepalm and head home

>This shit has become too much to deal with

>Upon arriving home, you are face-to-face with Princess Luna

>"Welcome home, Anonymous!"

>She has an odd look on her face

>You avoided the question all last week, but now you're too tired to push aside the curiosity

"Why are you staying here, anyway?"

>She rubs the back of her neck with a hoof

>"Well... if we must be honest..."

>She closes her eyes and takes a breath

>"We kind of liked giving you that blowjob and were hoping you would consider taking it a step further!"

>She opens an eye and looks at you

>You sigh

"Yeah, sure, why the fuck not."

>"Wondrous news! We shall get the whips and chains, right away!"

"Wait, whips? Chains? What?!"

>She's already gone

>You don't sleep that night