[Anon/Celestia] Anon the Manwhore Part 5 (UNFINISHED)

>You are now Anonymous.

>You sigh as you walk back into your home.

>That had gone better than expected.

>Well, it wasn't as if you were expecting it to go badly, but still.

>No offers of sex, though. You didn't expect any, of course, but it would have moved things along.

>No matter! In the ‘friendly’ dating game, subtlety and patience is key.

>You walk into the kitchen, humming a tune from your old wor-

>...

“What the fuck are you doing in my house?”

>Lo and behold, there’s a snobby-looking unicorn stallion in your kitchen.

>Blonde mane, blue eyes, looks like a goddamn pony Aryan.

>”Merely checking upon your… progress, sir Anonymous.”

>You should have guessed he was a noble from the retarded upturned nose thing.

>”My name is Prince Blueblo-“

“Shut up. How did you get in my house?”

>He blinks.

>”You dare interrupt-“

>You take a step forward.

“How did you get in my fucking house!?”

>He takes a fearful step back.

>”Err, the door was unlocked.” He squeaks.

“No it wasn't. In fact I’m the only one in town that actually locks my door.”

>”-and by door I mean window.”

>You sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Why are you here?”

>”Merely checking if you have made any progress laying my auntie.”

>You roll your eyes.

“I don’t know if you've ever had a gir- wait, auntie? Celestia has a nephew?”

>Now he rolls his eyes.

>”Not really. All members of royalty are considered family, and thus we’re all nephews and nieces to the Royal Sisters. Don’t change the subject.”

“No, I haven’t fucked your ‘auntie’ yet. I don’t know if you've ever had to date, but it takes more than asking if she wants to fuck."

>He hums.

>”Well, do hurry. I must take my leave.” He says, before walking towards the front door.

“Wait, you broke into my house just to ask if I fucked her yet? Why couldn't you just-“

>He’s already out the door.

>You just sit there, scowling in your kitchen.

“Fucking ponies.”

 

>Day the next day in Equestria.

>You’re sitting on your couch, wondering what the hell to do.

>This happens a lot. You miss television.

>You could read, you guess.

>But you would have to go to the library to do that.

>And deal with a pissy Purple Autism.

>...Actually, it wouldn’t be that bad considering it’s her job to give you the books you want. You don’t know why, what with her being a princess whose authority is just underneath Celestia and Luna. Really that entire situation is just bewildering and plain retarded to you.

>So really it’s more of your own laziness preventing you from doing something rather than any actual reason.

>You hear three knocks at the door.

>You look at the door, a scowl set upon your features.

>Maybe if you glare hard enough at it, whoever knocked will feel your hatred radiating from the house and just leave.

>...

>Three more impatient sounding knocks come.

>You resent whoever this pony is for obligating you to stand up and stop being a lazy fuck.

>You begrudgingly trudge to the door and open it.

>It’s none other than Dragon Fax™ with a letter in his claw.

>”It’s for you.” He says blandly, handing you the letter.

“Er, thanks Spook.”

>”Spike.”

“Whatever.”

>With that exchange finished, you slam the door in his face.

>You can guess who the letter is from, considering no one uses Dragon Mail™ except Celestia.

>You open the scroll.

>”Dear Anon,

>It has come to my attention that I have a couple hours of free time after noon court.

>Seeing as I have nothing to spend this time on, I am hoping to spend it with a recently acquired friend.

>Are you free this afternoon?

>Signed, Princess Celestia”

>Huh.

>You didn’t expect to have another ‘date’ set up so soon.

>But you have nothing better to do...

>You’re about to write a response when you realize you slammed a door in the face of your fax machine.

>Shit. Better go get him.

 

>A couple of hours passed since you drafted and sent a reply that basically said ‘yeah come on over’.

>Celestia finished whatever duties she had to do and teleported into your house.

>You exchanged greetings, and now you find yourself just as confused as to what to do as you were in the morning.

>You and Celestia are sitting on your couch, with her stealing glances your way every few seconds.

“So uh, not much to do today?”

>”No; many of the smaller duties that would take up my time are handled by other nobility.”

>You hum in response.

“And here I thought they were useless. Never would have imagined they know how to govern.”

>She chuckled.

>”Yes, Canterlot nobility can be a hoofful, but they have their duties.”

>You both were silent for a long while.

>Her just sitting there, her weird antigravity rainbow hair billowing in the nonexistent wind.

>You wonder if she ever accidently gets it tangled on passing objects.

“So...” you say, breaking the silence. “You ah, wanna do something?”

>She smirked.

>”I believe that was the purpose of my visit.”

“Well excuse me, didn’t have time to make any plans, and another picnic just seemed redundant.”

>She shakes her head.

>”Well what do you normally do?”

>You shrug.

“Be lazy. Find someone to bug.”

>”’Find someone to bug’?”

“Hey, ever since I stopped working at the spa, I’ve had a lot of free time. I’ve learned in that free time that annoying people is a reliable source of entertainment.”

>She just shakes her head.

“Oh whatever, Princess McJudgy.”

>You exhale tiredly.

>Then you get an idea.

“How about a game?”

>She raises an eyebrow.

>”What game?”

>A grin that would put the Grinch to shame finds its way onto your face.

“Truth or dare.”

>She just looks at you for a moment.

>”Truth or dare?”

“Yep.”

>”A game fillies play during sleepovers?”

>You laugh.

“Think about it. I’m an alien. You’re a solar diarch. A game of Truth or Dare between us is bound to take an interesting turn, regardless of our ages.”

>She looks away, her ears folded back.

>”I don’t know...”

“You got any better ideas?”

>You lean in.

“Or are you just...”

>Your voice drops to a whisper.

“...chicken?”

>She looks at you.

>”Really, Anon? You’re going to accuse me of being ‘chicken’ for not playing a filly’s game with you?”

“Chicken~” you singsong.

>”I’m well over a thousand years old. These juvenile tactics will not-“

“Bawk bawk!”

>She stares at you, her eyes narrowed.

>”Fine.” She huffs.

“I knew you’d see reason.”

>”How is that-“

“SO. Princess...”

>You lean back with a smirk.

“Truth, or dare?”

>She bites her lip, silent with thought for a moment.

>”...Truth.”

>You shrug. She’ll come around.

>You think for a moment, trying to come up with an embarrassing question.

>Your eyes widen with a silent epiphany, and you grin.

“How many times have you had sex?”

>You wear a victorious smirk. Being over a thousand years old, she’s going to give you some vaguely rounded huge number-

>”Three times.”

>Your smirk drops.

“Wait, what?”

>She nods.

>”Three times, including with you.”

>You just stare at her, bewildered.

“Three times?”

>She nods again.

“Three times over a thousand years of life?”

>She nods yet again.

>”The other two times were before my ascension to princess.”

>You just stare at her.

“Holy hell. No wonder Twilight thought you were a virgin.” You quietly muse.

>”So I’ve answered your question Anon. Now it’s my turn.”

>She has that smile.

>The ‘get ready for a metaphorical (possibly physical) butt fucking’ smile.

>”Truth... or dare?”

>You decide that you really don’t like that smile.

>Better play this one safe.

“Truth.”

>She rolls her eyes.

>”Oh now who’s the chicken?”

“You chose truth too you damned hypocrite!”

>She laughs airily.

>”So Anon,”

>She leans towards you, her long-ass neck extending so she can get right in your face.

>”when was the last time you wet the bed?”

>You stare at her.

“Seriously?”

>She nods, still in your face.

“And you call me juvenile...”

>She sighs and leans back into her previous position.

>”Coming up with a suitably embarrassing question is difficult when dealing with one such as you.”

>You frown.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

>”Just answer the question.”

>You think back. When was the last time you wet the bed?

“Well... when wetting the bed stopped being a habit, I was about nine. My brothers gave me so much shit for that.”

>You laugh.

“But the last time I wet the bed without it being a habit was back in highschool. I was seventeen, bunch of friends of mine got some weed and a shitton of booze. The details of that night elude me, but I woke up with piss stained pants. Whether or not that happened in my sleep is a mystery to this day.”

>She looks at you oddly.

>“’Weed’?”

“It’s a drug. It’s pretty much harmless, but it was illegal back home. My friends and I thought we were so damn cool because we smoked it when we weren’t supposed to. We always grinned like idiots whenever it was mentioned and alluded to the fact that we smoked it occasionally like it was a badge of honor or something. Glad I grew out of that phase.”

>You chuckle and shake your head.

>”Rebellious phase?”

“You could call it that. Anyway, truth or dare?”

>She brings a hoof to her chin in mock contemplation.

>”Well seeing as embarrassing questions are so difficult to come up with, I’ll take a dare.”

>You grin.

“Now we’re talkin’.”

 

>You are now Applejack.

>You are running your market stall.

>Most ponies would have packed up and turned in after 2:00, but not you. No siree.

>Ponies love an afternoon apple pie.

>Especially your afternoon apple pie.

>...

>That sounded a lot dirtier than you intended.

>Your thoughts are interrupted by the gasps of ponies around you.

>You look around to see them dropping and bowing.

>You quickly find out why.

>Princess Celestia is here!

>...And she’s walking right towards your stall, with that Anonymous in tow!

>You quickly drop to a bow as well.

>You hear her hoofsteps stop in front of you.

>”That is not necessary, my little-“

>She is cut off my Anon clearing his throat loudly.

>You look up to see the princess close her eyes and sigh, before opening them and looking at you.

>”I mean... Ahoy, ye scurvy dog. Thar be no need for that bowin’ ye hear?”

>You stare at the princess, your mouth agape.

>Anon is trying and clearly failing to suppress his laughter.

“...Whut?”

>”I be here for a purpose. I need yer best apple, I’ll buy it at a high price. Arrr.”

>You continue to stare at her.

>Is she... blushing?

>”...Well? You’d best do it smartly, ye land lubber.”

“I... er, right away, princess.”

>You try to shake the pure ridiculousness of the situation from your mind as you grab an apple from your cart and present it to the princess.

>Do you charge her? She’s the princess! Well, she did say she’d ‘buy it at a high price’...

“That’ll be, uhh, two bits, yer majesty.”

>She levitates the apple from your grip, and two bits fly from Anon’s pocket to your stall.

>Anon briefly glares at the princess.

>”Thank ye for yer services. Arrr.” She says, turning back to you.

>With that, the princess and the human walk out of sight, apple in tow.

>Everypony around you is silent.

“What the hay just happened?”

 

>You are Anonymous again.

>You are currently behind a house with Celestia, laughing your ass off.

>”It wasn’t THAT funny.”

“It *pff* it really, really was! Did you *snort* did you see the looks on their faces!?”

>Celestia shakes her head, apple still held in her telekinetic grip.

>”Well I bought an apple ‘whilst talking like a pirate’, so now it is my turn.”

“Sure, sure.”

>Your laughter tapers off. You try to snatch the apple from the air.

>She pulls it away from you.

>”I think I earned this.” She says, taking a bite from the apple.

“But my money bought it!” you whine. “Why didn’t you pay for it anyway, miss ‘I go everywhere in golden regalia’?”

>She swallows her bite.

>”One, I do not have pockets nor did I bring saddlebags. Two, my royal stipends sustain your living, so you have no right to complain when I use two bits of it.”

>Dammit, she’s right.

“You win this round. I’ll find a reason to complain soon enough, though. Don’t you worry.”

>She rolls her eyes and giggles.

>”I’m sure, Anon. Now... what to do with you?” she ponders, looking you up and down.

“Hey, hey! I didn’t choose truth or dare yet!”

>She smirks at you.

>”Are you implying that you wish to take the ‘chicken’ option, Anon? My, and to think I thought so highly of you!”

>Oh damn. Well played, princess. Well played.

“Nonono, it’s just presumptuous is all! You should at least ask before condemning a man.”

>She then gives you the most evil looking smile you’ve ever seen.

>It is scary how well it fits her features. It’s like she was an evil mastermind in a previous life.

>”Very well, Anon. Truth, or dare?”

>You puff out your chest and give her a determined glare.

“Dare. Hit me with your best shot, your highness.”

 

>You inhabit the vessel of Big McIntosh.

>You are transporting a cartful of apple-related products with your diminutive sibling Apple Bloom, as she thought such a task pertinent to obtaining her cutie mark.

>Foolishness, you say. Your cutie mark relates to that of a McIntosh apple, which says nothing of your competence in theoretical physics.

>When you turn the corner, you see resident extraterrestrial Anonymous in the most idiosyncratic circumstance.

>He stood in the middle of the street, in some manner of arena, dressed only in his unusual undergarment and absolutely covered in mud. Various ponies surrounded him looking on with concern.

>Upon sighting you, he points a finger at you.

>”You! I challenge you to a mud wrestling competition! If you beat me, you win fifty bits!”

>You stare at him, perplexed. You look to your sibling for confirmation that she was indeed perceiving the same thing, to see her nodding in the most encouraging fashion.

>You suppose that getting muddy for fifty extra bits is quite the bargain.

>You nod mutely, detaching yourself from your cart and approach the eccentric human, muddying your hooves as you step into the improvised arena.

>Your ability to wrestle is not extraordinary, but you can see that both you and your opponent have advantages.

>You have size and strength, he has reach and flexibility.

>You determine a way to defeat your opponent in an expeditious fashion. A solid grip upon any of his limbs will render him immobile.

>”C’mon, let’s do it!” the human taunts.

>With a battle cry, the extraterrestrial surges forward with unexpected speed.

>Nothing you can’t manage.

>You allow yourself a small smirk before you meet your opponent’s charge...

 

>You are Anonymous again.

“I can’t believe I lost...”

>You and Celestia were behind yet another house, mulling over the events that just transpired.

>”The stallion was twice your size.” Celestia said, chuckling.

“But humans are supposed to be good at wrestling!” You whine.

>She looks your dirtied nearly-naked form up and down.

>”...Really?”

“Pff, I don’t know. I just assumed what with me being bipedal that I would beat a pony at this kind of thing.” You pause. “You’re paying for the fifty bits, by the way.”

>”Anon, I only declared that you had to mud wrestle a pony. I never said you had to pay the victor fifty bits. That is on you.”

>You scowl sullenly at her.

“You know, for a ‘generous ruler’, you’re being awfully stingy.”

>”Stipends~” she singsonged.

“Yeah yeah...” you waved her off. “Can’t you magic this mud off of me, at least?”

>Celestia smirked, and her horn started glowing.

>Then a giant blob of water splashed over your form, absolutely soaking you. The same spell she used to make the mud arena in the first place.

>You stare at her with the look of a kicked puppy.

>She only giggled, the sadistic bitch.

>”You didn’t say how to go about magicking the mud off of you.”

“You’re cruel, you know that? Your name should be Princess Cruelestia.”

>”Oh, fine.”

>With a flash of her horn, you’re dry and the mud is removed from your body.

“Thank you.”

>You walk over to the bushes in which you discarded your clothes and begin dressing yourself.

“So.” You say as you put on your shirt. “Truth or dare?”

>She laughs. A different laugh than the ones you heard from her before. An excited laugh.

>”Do you really have to ask? Here is a better question, Anon. How can you top your last challenge?”

>Well she’s getting into it.

>You grin like a madman.

“I’ve got a few ideas.”

 

“You think we took it too far?”

>Celestia and you stood in the outskirts of Ponyville, looking like complete idiots.

>Your shirt has been cut to only cover your shoulders like a shoulder cozy, your entire torso and back free in the wind. An angry face has been drawn on your stomach that turns into a happy face when you flex your abdomen. A little sun and a little moon have been drawn on your nipples. Smashed chicken eggs reside on your head, leaving yoke to drip from your hair. You pants are tied around your neck like a retarded cape, while your boxers have been cut into the shape of a thong. You hold a small pig under your left arm, which had “I’m with a complete idiot” written on the side of it pointing towards you.

>Celestia’s fur color had been changed to dark indigo. Her sun cutie marks have a happy face on one side and a sad face on the other. Her face was painted like a raccoon and a red clown nose is on her snout. She is missing her rear horseshoes and one of her front horseshoes as well. Her tiara is taped to her rump, and an opossum is glued to her underside. Lipstick was applied to her mouth to make it look like she has a Glasgow grin. Her breastplate is missing, and two patches of fur on her barrel are missing with nipples crudely drawn onto the bare skin.

>”I think we may have been a bit... overzealous in our demands.”

>You two are quiet for a bit.

>Then you both start laughing.

>And laughing, and laughing, and laughing.

>Cackling like complete retards.

>Tears come to both her eyes and your own you two are laughing so much.

>A stray thought in the back of your mind tries to remind you that you’re supposed to be subtly seducing her.

>But you’ve been having far too much fun to care.

>It was a good day.

 

>You are now Princess Celestia.

>You had stated your farewells to Anonymous before teleporting back into your palace, in your room to be exact.

>You are currently looking in your mirror, marveling at your appearance.

>You look incredibly silly.

>You have thoroughly embarrassed yourself in front of the Ponyville community.

>You can’t find it in you to care.

>Because that was the most fun you’ve had in several centuries.

>You laugh airily as your magic begins to fix the damage you two caused.

>Your fur returns to its immaculate white, and the missing patches regrow.

>Your tiara is ripped free from the tape keeping it to your rump and returned to your head.

>Your missing shoes and chestpiece are summoned to you, and you quickly put them on again.

>You clean the markings from your face and cutie marks.

>You nod to yourself in the mirror, deeming your appearance acceptable.

>You then teleport into the dining room, where your sister has once again already begun eating, a fork held in her telekinetic grip.

>She looks at you and smiles upon your arrival, before her expression turns to one of confusion.

>”Tia? Why is there a rodent attached to your underside?” she asked incredulously.

>Your eyes widen as you realize you forgot one detail to fix.

>You smile sheepishly as you telekinetically detach the opossum from your stomach, and put in on the floor.

>The little thing skitters under the table and to Luna’s legs, where it looked up to her with beady eyes.

>She looks at it curiously.

>”Adorable. Why was it attached to you?”

“I, ah...” you giggle. “It’s a long story.”

>Luna drops the fork she telekinetically held, and folded her hooves on the table.

>”I’ve got all night, Tia. Let’s hear it.”

>So you tell her everything.