[Anon/Celestia] Anon the Manwhore Part 4

"Didn't I tell you to call me Anon?"

>"I... yes, but what are you doing?"

>BULLSHIT MODE: ACTIVATE

"I've recently realized that, despite all you've done for me and our..." you cough "recent encounter, I still don't really know you."

>Bullshit mode. First activated when you needed to write an exam about a book you neglected to read in middle school, it has served you well ever since.

>"I," She's blushing. That's a good sign. "er, I can assure you that's not necessary."

"I'm serious though, Celestia. You took me in, a weird bad-mouthed alien guy, gave me a house and unwavering support in the face of the political shitstorm that inevitably brews from.. you know, aliens."

>"I assure you anypony would have-"

"No, not everyone would have. Especially my old government. And ever since our, er, session, I've come to the realization that despite the times we've talked and my informality with you that pisses the nobles off to no end, I don't really know you, do I?"

>Celestia furrowed her brow, still blushing faintly.

>"I... suppose not."

"You see my point. Now, you and your student-"

>"Former student."

"We both know she's totally still your student. Anyway, both of you preach friendship like to tomorrow, so I figured I may as well start to get with the program. I could think of nopony better to start with than the one who's been saving my ass since the beginning."

>You rub the back of your neck.

"So excusing the cheesy crap. Celestia, would you be my friend?"

>Celestia got a big grin. The kind you wouldn't imagine on her usually serene face.

>"Of course I will Anon."

>Hook, line, and fucking sinker. Now you've got a reason to be around her more often.

"So with all that in mind, I know you're busy but you think you can make time to go out, do something this week?"

>She smiled serenely.

>Damn that's cute.

>In a platonic way, you mean.

>Still not attracted to horses.

>"I would very much like that, Anon."

 

>You're standing in your bathroom looking in the mirror.

>Hair combed? Check.

>Clean shaven? Check.

>Weird pony pheromone cologne applied?

>You sniff yourself, smelling the strange odor that vaguely smells like your shoes after a hard days work.

>Check.

>Stunning good looks and charm?

>You give the mirror a Fonzie pose and go 'eeeeyyyy'

>Double check.

>Celestia invited you to a late lunch/picnic type deal on the outskirts of Ponyville.

>Apparently she regularly eats lunch at 3:00 rather than noon like everyone else.

>What with court being at noon.

>Hence the name noon court.

>She chose the location close to your home because well... she can teleport and you can't. More convenient for everyone.

>You felt kind of shitty about using her like this. Not even using her for sex like a regular douchebag, but using her for sex and then using that sex for money like an ultra-douchebag.

>You are very aware of how you are acting.

>But not all of what you said yesterday was bullshit.

>You really do want to get to know her.

>She seems like a cool friend to have.

>Really, your plan is to get her to bed, hopefully under the guise of a friends-with-benefits thing, have sex, have her see the extent of your injuries, and unanimously agree that sex is probably not a good idea between you two. Then you would both understand and move on, perhaps laugh about this whole thing in a few years.

>She doesn't need to know you're doing it for money.

>You get paid, she gets laid, you both get a new friend. No feelings are hurt. Everyone wins.

>You got the strangest feeling that somehow your intentions would be revealed and she would be pissed off.

>But that was just paranoia on your part.

>That kind of thing only happens in bad dramas anyway. In real life, secrets like this usually remain secret.

>You step out of the bathroom and out of your house shortly afterwards.

>You begin your trek to the west side of Ponyville, where you agreed to meet.

 

>You are now Princess Celestia.

>And you're... kind of excited.

>Yet hesitant at the same time.

>You are happy Anon is willing to be your friend despite your... history.

>And hesitant because you're probably going to be fantasizing about him every time there's a gap in conversation.

>He seems to be willing to let that sex thing go as the past. After all, it's only really awkward if you let it be.

>You're also excited because... this is the first time somepony has reached out to you like this in... centuries.

>Ponies have always been so nervous around you.

>Maybe it's your height that intimidates them.

>Well, that and the fact that you rule the country and raise the sun.

>You realize that the only real friends you had in a while is your own sister and Twilight, the latter of which still refuses to see you in any other light beyond wise mentor.

>And Luna only came back two and a half years ago...

>And only just now do you realize exactly how lonely you've really been these past thousand years.

>Alone in a crowd.

>Drowning in endless meaningless praise.

>You shake your head, checking the contents of your picnic basket again.

>You made sure to include meat for your omnivorous friend.

>You sigh and shift your wings.

>You look to the east, to see Anon approaching over a hill.

>You didn't tell him an exact location, but considering you're sitting out in the middle of a plain on a bright red and white quilt, you figured you wouldn't be too hard to find.

>As he got closer, you noticed he looked rather... handsome.

>Moreso than usual.

>He also smelled a bit different.

>You couldn't put your hoof on it. He smelt... familiar.

>"You ever think about how strange a sight this would be to any passing pegasi?" He asked when he finally reached your quilt.

>You tittered.

"A princess and an alien having a friendly picnic? What could be odd about that?"

>"Well, more of you having a picnic in general." He shrugged.

>You furrow your brow.

"Am I really that boring?"

>The human's eyes widen as he sat down, as if realizing what he said.

>"What? Nononono, that's not what I mean. I mean, it's just that you seem really formal. When I first met you, it was kind of hard for me to imagine you going on a picnic."

>You sigh.

"I understand what you meant, Anon. I know I have a rather... imposing presence. It's something that's been hammered into my behaviors since the beginning of my reign. The nobility demand I act like a princess, after all."

>He smells pretty good now that you think about it... You wonder if he would mind if you leaned in and-

>No, Celestia. Stop it.

>"Who are they to demand you act like that?"

"Excuse me?"

>"I mean, you're the princess. I think you've earned the right to act however you damn well please."

"I... appreciate the thought, but it's not just for the appeasement of royalty. It's a diplomatic mask. It pays in politics for your true feelings and behaviors to be kept hidden."

>"Well that's politics. The reason I couldn't imagine you on a picnic is because you never take your big 'princess' mask off and be a pony. Which is a shame, because I like the pony a lot more than I like the mask."

>You blush.

"I appreciate the sentiment, but this is well over a thousand years of imprinted behavior. It's a bit more difficult than just 'taking of a mask' as you put it."

>"Your sister did it, didn't she?"

>You bark a laugh.

"You heard about that, did you?"

>"Yeah, Twilight told me about the infamous 'Royal Canterlot Voice' like a month ago." He chuckled. "But I figure if Luna can change her entire pattern of speech, you can be a little more personal with your ponies"

>He shrugged.

>"But you've probably heard this speech a thousand times before."

>Truthfully, you have not.

>Nopony has ever dared ask you to be more informal, and less regal.

>You... you like this.

>You smile.

"I'll keep that in mind, Anon."

>"Cool. So let's see what you brought!"

>You magic open the picnic basket, and move some paper plates out for you two.

>The very first food item you take from the basket grabs your companion's attention.

>"Is... is that-"

"The griffins call it 'glied'. I figured you would appreciate some of your natural diet." you say with a smirk.

>Several lines of processed meat linked together float within your grasp.

>"Sausages..." Anon practically drools.

>You giggle at his reaction.

"I take it that is what they're called where you come from?"

>He dumbly nods, before furrowing his brow.

>"It's been a while, but I don't think they're supposed to be that pink." he says while he reaches out to them. The second he touches them, he draws back with a grimace.

>"They're raw." he says dejectedly.

"I-is that bad?" you ask.

>"Yeah, raw meat is kind of... unhealthy to humans."

>Great, you screwed up his diet. Griffins eat their meat raw all the time; you figured he would appreciate it the same way.

>...Wait! You're an alicorn! You have magic, silly!

"Not to worry, Anon. I can fix this." You state proudly.

 

>You are now Anon.

>You watch, mesmerized as Celestia disconnects one of the sausages and holds it alone in her magic while the rest of the links go back in the basket.

>You then hear a hissing noise.

>You see the pink meat turning darker as you see smoke rise off of the meat.

>Then you remember how phallic sausages look.

>And now the image of a burning penis-object is hitting really close to home.

>Your eyes widen marginally while you unconsciously cup your genitals, your smile becoming increasingly difficult to maintain.

 

>You are Celestia again.

>Anon has the oddest look about him.

>His smile seems a bit... forced.

>You pass it off as your imagination.

>You finish cooking the 'sausage', and float it to his paper plate.

>"Thank you!" He squeaks.

>You look at him oddly.

>He quickly clears his throat. "I mean, uh, thank you. Very much." he says in a much deeper voice with a big smile.

"You're welcome!"

>You begin to take more assorted foods out of the basket.

>Anon is taking some things from the basket and putting them on his plate.

>"So how was your day?" he asks between bites of his sausage.

"It was... fine."

>He chuckles.

>"You know what I've noticed? Whenever someone says something is 'fine', it usually isn't."

>You smirk.

"Really?"

>"Yeah. I know because I've done it, I know because you've done it. 'Fine' feels like the ultimate neutral statement. If you say 'good' then it feels too dishonest. If you say 'bad' then it's too truthful. You say 'fine' to answer the question and hint that nothing eventful happened, thus preventing further questions."

>You laugh.

"It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this."

>He shrugs. "Maybe I have. Not saying this is always the case, but you have to admit that whenever something isn't going your way, and you don't want to trouble people with your problems, you usually say it's fine."

"So you think my day wasn't fine?"

>"Was it? Tell me about your fine day."

>You giggle. He seems very adamant about hearing the details of your day.

>You... can't remember the last time somepony asked that expecting a less than concise answer.

"I don't know what to tell you, Anon. Nothing truly of note happened."

>"So that would make it a boring day, not a fine day." He chuckles. "Well if today was so fine, can you tell me what an actual good day is like, your highness?"

>You smile.

"Well I suppose a picnic with a friend can uplift any day."

>"Ah, so my presence has upgraded this day from fine to good! Glad I could be of service, your majesty! But you didn't answer my question." He said, leaning it and taking another bite of his sausage.

>Twilight's letters always describe Anon as vulgar and uncaring, often saying and doing things for no other purpose than to get under a pony's fur.

>That does not describe the stallion sitting before you.

"I would suppose a good day would be when I actually feel like I'm... a pony."

>He tilts his head

>You sigh.

"Allow me to explain. I always have the best interests of my citizens at heart but it's... easy to disconnect. Sometimes it feels like my decrees are just data points, waiting to be logged. After a long day, ponies just become numbers. When I'm sitting down in the Palace, alone doing paperwork, that's all ponies become. Paperwork. Statistics."

>You smile sadly.

"And that is what most would consider healthy, considering my lifespan. Making attachments with mortals is dangerous for an immortal's sanity. Statistics and data you can keep consistent with effort. The ponies they represent, however, go faster than I'd like them to. So I disconnect, and begin to feel less like a pony and more like some omnipresent chessmaster, pulling strings and altering data points like I'm playing some intricate game rather than actually ruling a country."

>You chuckle.

"A good day, to me, would be days in which I'm reminded of my pony origins. A good day is like when I have a conversation with my former student. A good day is when I get pranked by my sister. A good day is when a guard steps out of line and asks if I'm alright when he suspects I'm feeling down. A good day is when I go on a picnic with a friend."

>You smile at Anon, and shake your head.

"Fine days are becoming more and more common. Good days? Maybe it's selfish of me, but I would really like some more good days."

>Anon smiles.

>"I don't think that's selfish. I think that just means I'll have to make more of an effort to give you some good days."

>You giggle.

"You don't have to do that Anon."

>"You say that like it's a burden." He laughs. "For a sun-raising immortal, you have strange confidence issues."

"What? I don't-"

>"Of course you don't. Because you're good company and you should know it."

>You fail to suppress a smile as an unfamiliar fluttering sensation fills your stomach.

"I... thank you, Anon."

 

>You teleport directly into your dining room, quilt and picnic basket in tow, startling your sister who had already begun eating.

>"Tia? Where have you been?"

>You giggle while you levitate the picnic essentials to the room's corner, and practically skip towards your end of the table, in which food has already been brought to.

>You have spent the past five hours with Anon. It was wonderful. At first you were worried that your history with him would make things awkward, but it was not the case!

>You two finished eating rather quickly, and you just... talked. About your day and duties, he talked about his old home and some novels he apparently didn't like.

>You got so caught up with him that you even lowered the sun in his presence rather than going back to Canterlot first.

>And throughout all of it, you only had twelve dirty thoughts involving him.

>It was a good day, indeed.

"I was having a picnic!" You answer your sister.

>Luna's brow furrows in confusion. "Picnic? With whom?"

"Anon."

>You begin digging into your food.

>"Anon?" Luna blinks, before smirking. "What was that you said just about a week ago?"

>You look at her with your mouth full.

"Hmm?"

>"Something about you two being a... 'one time thing'?"

>You swallow before glaring at her with false venom.

"It's not like that. Just two friends having a friendly picnic. There was nothing romantic or sexual about it in any way."

>Luna leaned towards you, her eyes narrowed.

>Then she reared back a bit.

>"You're actually telling the truth, aren't you?"

"Why would I lie, sister?"

>She cocked her head, before growing a devilish grin.

>"...But you wanted a... 'romantic, sexual' picnic, didn't you?"

"I..."

>You glare at your hooves.

"...may have entertained the thought for a moment."

>You raise your head and level your gaze with Luna.

"But it changes nothing."

>She just raises an eyebrow.

>"And why is that?"

"He is not interested in that kind of relationship."

>Luna looks at you for a bit, bewildered.

>"Forgive me if I do not laugh, sister. I have difficulty understanding these 'new age' jokes."

>You shake your head.

"It's not a joke, Luna."

>"Then what, pray tell, is the purpose of such a blatantly false statement?"

"It is not false, Luna."

>""We- I mean, I refuse to believe your luck is atrocious enough for the object of your affections is the singular being in our realm that is uninterested." She deadpans.

>You blush.

"I don't that that many ponies are really interes-"

>"DOST THOU HAVE AN INKLING AS TO HOW MANY WET DREAMS OF THY IMAGE WE HATH SEEN!? WE SHALT GIVE THEE A HINT; OVERMANY! WE BESEECH THEE TO HALT WITH THY HUMBLENESS, AS IT GAINS NO PITY FROM US!"

>You fold your ears back at your sister's verbal onslaught.

"Your speech is regressing, Luna."

>She blushes and looks down.

>"I apologize, sister, but my point remains strong. You could have any pony in the kingdom. Surely he is no exception!"

>You sigh.

"That is... kind of the problem, Lulu. I could have any pony in the kingdom. Even if they didn't want me to have them, they would not say no to me."

>Luna frowns.

>"You believe any interest he may show is a lie to placate your desires?"

>You nod.

>"Then how are you certain that he does not like you in such a fashion?"

"Because of the state he was in after our brief encounter."

>Luna adopted a confused expression.

>"Elaborate."

>You flush heavily, pointedly looking away from your sister.

"I-I do not believe that is appropriate, Luna."

>"Come now, Tia. If you cannot tell your sister about your sex life, who can you tell?"

"Preferably nopony. One's sexual activities should remain between them and their partner." You state firmly.

>Luna rolls her eyes.

>"And you say I'M the archaic one. Just tell me!"

>The look on her face tells you she's adamant about this.

>You sigh,

"He was.. burnt."

>Luna blinks.

>"Burnt?"

"Not to mention bruised. Plus his... 'equipment' looked a bit like it had been suffocated."

>Luna was silent for a long moment.

>Then she started laughing. Hysterically.

>You glared at her as she slammed a hoof on the table several times, covering her head thrown back in her mirth.

>"Y-you burnt and*snort* strangled his stallionhood!?" She choked out in her laughter.

>You bristle.

"It's not funny! He was in a lot of pain!"

>"W-we hate to c-contradict you s-sister, but it is bucking hilarious!"

>You don't dignify that with a response. You sullenly glare at her while her laughter tapers off.

>Eventually, she composes herself.

>"How-*snort* how did you manage such feats, Tia?"

>You blush.

"...With my (mumble mumble)"

>Luna leaned inward.

>"With your what?"

"I did it with my (mumble mumble)"

>"Sister, you have to speak lou-"

"I DID IT WITH MY MAREHOOD!"

>Luna leans back with a humored expression.

>"You strangled, bruised and burnt his groin using only your vulva?"

>You nod, a furious blush still on your face that refuses to go away.

>She hums with thought. "Bruised and strangled I can understand. We are, after all, alicorns. But burnt? How did you manage that?"

>Somehow, your ever-present blush gets deeper.

"...My connection with the sun goes further than mere control over it." You mumble.

>Luna angles her ear towards you.

>"Pardon?"

>You glare at her, red-faced.

"My vaginal secretions are hot enough to burn his skin." you state bluntly.

>Luna's eyes widen, before she starts giggling again.

>You shake your head.

"If all you are going to do is laugh at my misfortune, then I see no point to this conversation continuing."

>You stand up, and start walking away from the table.

>"Wait Tia! I'm sorry, please sit down! It's just... odd, okay?"

>You sigh.

"Promise not to laugh anymore?"

>"I promise."

>You walk back to the table and take your seat. You look down at your dinner, forgotten in the midst of the conversation.

>"So we've established that you hurt him during your midnight activities-"

"It was actually during the day-"

>"Midnight. Activities." Luna ground out, eyes narrowed. "How does this prove his disinterest?"

"He was hurt! How does it not-"

>"How do you know he is not, as the kids say, 'into' that?"

>You furrow your brow.

"I-I don't know-"

>"And even if he isn't, it isn't as if it is impossible to take precautions in future rendezvous! There are plenty of spells and alchemical recipes to increase heat resistance and general resilience, are there not?"

"I suppose so-"

>"So what is the purpose of your doubt, sister!?"

>You pause for thought.

"Well... he didn't argue with me when I told him it was a one night- err, day stand."

>Luna just rolls her eyes.

>"That is not conclusive! Of course he is going to stop his pursuit if you tell him that! You are a princess! Only the insane would pursue you after you reject them!"

"And if I told him that I am interested in courtship, he would never say no because 'only the insane would say no to me'!"

>Luna blinked, then adopted a look of dawning comprehension.

>"Aaah, I now understand your plight sister. But fear not! I have an easy solution!"

>You raise an eyebrow.

"And what is that, Luna?"

>"Simply continue going on 'friendly' dates with him until he shows interest! Then make your move!"

>You frown.

"And how will I be able to tell if he's showing interest?"

>Luna raises an eyebrow.

>"Aren't you supposed to be good at reading ponies?" She questions.

"Luna, I haven't had romantic experience in over a thousand years. I can read many things from a pony, but interest is not one of them. Even if I could notice that, he isn't even a pony!"

>Luna groans.

>"It is not advanced orbital thaumaturgics, Tia! The signs are easy! Does he smile upon recognizing your presence!? Does he touch you often!? Does he ogle you while he thinks you aren't looking!?"

"I don't know! I wasn't looking-"

>"But now you will be, sister! I implore you, let me teach you what to look for!"

>You give a long, drawn out sigh.

>You've sighed a lot this evening, haven't you?

"Very well, Lulu. I see no harm in learning what to look for."

>A wide grin splits her face.

>"Huzzah! You shall not regret it, sister! You'll have that human stud in your bedchambers in no time!"

"Yes, but can we eat for now?"

>Luna's eyes widen, before she looks down at her still full plate.

>You both had forgotten about your dinner.

>"Ah, yes. Let us eat!"

"Luckily we don't have to worry about salad getting too cold." you chuckle.